(no subject)
system malfunction.
i can't even bring myself to go to bed. i don't want to sleep, i just want to disappear for a while. stop thinking. not have to deal with any responsibilities. which i don't even fucking have, so i dunno what the hell i'm complaining about.
i was looking forward to continuing ged class, and looking for employment somewhere, and eventually going to college to study psychology. i had goals, i had the ambition. has that all faded as quickly as it arrived? what happened?
i miss my fucking therapist, who is on vacation this week. how sad is that? she's one person i can just let go and truly communicate with, and i always feel a sense of peace with myself after i leave her office. but i couldn't see her monday, so i guess i'm kind of lost. how strange that her words were true.. perhaps i really can't survive without her. now i wonder if she's having trouble without me to talk to. ;P
i fucking miss lui too. a lot. and i just wish i could see him and give him a hug and forget about everything else for a moment. when we're together, i realized, is one of the few conditions during which i am truly in the present. my mind is not stuck thinking of one thing or another, i am free to experience each second as it is-to experience life, unfiltered by persistent thoughts and anxieties. i really feel like we're growing as friends.. and i couldn't be happier about that.
anyway, back to my original subject: i'm going through some troubles right now. i came to the decision that i want off my medication. i am not comfortable with having to rely on one pill a day, that may or may not be making any difference. who's to say i haven't just matured and gained a greater understanding of myself, and this is me now? because i am finally comfortable with who i am. and somehow i doubt that was all the pill's doing. medication is only a tool, as is therapy.. both of which i have been utilizing for nearly a year, along with sorting things out on my own. i just don't feel the antidepressants are necessary anymore. i still get depressed anyway.. and that's life. i'm just able to accept that and deal with it now. all in all, i'm HAPPY. and i do enjoy life. but sometimes, it does become too much, and i do need a break. why does that have to indicate some kind of psychological disorder? nothing is wrong with me, i just function differently than most people. and i am okay with that. i will live my life, and i will accomplish the things that i desire to.. because that is what i want to do.
so, yeah...
i guess i feel better now? ^_^;