yeah, about that fool's errand...yeah, didn't turn out too well.
i want to disappear and wake up when this is all over.
can that happen? i'll pay handsomely.
i hate this killing time bullshit, waiting to find out what happened to other people while i was playing spider solitaire and eating crackers.
i hate people asking me where i've been, as if i have a damn obligation to waste my time going to bars with them when i barely know them and hate the bullshit overpriced dance club fucking scene with a passion.
i hate not having the energy (or the money, for that matter) to drink, and i hate that i really don't have anything better to do. i've been meaning for about a week to get into some kind of routine...predictably, this has not occurred.
instead, i've been reading the silmarillion and choking up over the tale of beren and luthien anytime i feel like not sleeping. and stumbling idly to class whenever i need to. it's a life. and a good one, in the reading parts of it. but an empty one. a really fucking empty one. i feel like i'm waiting for something horrible to happen. it's like being back at home, waiting to fucking leave again. for fuck's sake, i always end up in this rut unless there's someone around to drag, push, or otherwise give me an excuse to get out of it.
only fewer cartoons this time. maybe that's why i'm depressed. i watched spirited away yesterday with a coupla random people, which was a shitload of fun. that movie is a bloody breath of fresh air. i had forgotten how many little details just crack me up beyond hope of recovery.
it was just what i needed, i think. made for a good night. but now...i dunno. maybe it's the fall of the noldor that's depressing me. (that'd be wicked pathetic) maybe it's not having my cds. maybe i'm just being a fucking social coward, as usual.
i'm just talking to myself too much. i had a great time the first coupla weeks, just wandering off on my own, exploring. but now i have to work out how i'm gonna survive the next four months intact, and i think it's scaring the shit out of me. i've already figured out the shit i needed to figure out, and now i just need to remember it, stick with it, not end up paralyzed again like i always do.
and that's the fucking tough part. the part i can never handle.
simplify.
follow through.
can that happen? i'll pay handsomely.
i hate this killing time bullshit, waiting to find out what happened to other people while i was playing spider solitaire and eating crackers.
i hate people asking me where i've been, as if i have a damn obligation to waste my time going to bars with them when i barely know them and hate the bullshit overpriced dance club fucking scene with a passion.
i hate not having the energy (or the money, for that matter) to drink, and i hate that i really don't have anything better to do. i've been meaning for about a week to get into some kind of routine...predictably, this has not occurred.
instead, i've been reading the silmarillion and choking up over the tale of beren and luthien anytime i feel like not sleeping. and stumbling idly to class whenever i need to. it's a life. and a good one, in the reading parts of it. but an empty one. a really fucking empty one. i feel like i'm waiting for something horrible to happen. it's like being back at home, waiting to fucking leave again. for fuck's sake, i always end up in this rut unless there's someone around to drag, push, or otherwise give me an excuse to get out of it.
only fewer cartoons this time. maybe that's why i'm depressed. i watched spirited away yesterday with a coupla random people, which was a shitload of fun. that movie is a bloody breath of fresh air. i had forgotten how many little details just crack me up beyond hope of recovery.
it was just what i needed, i think. made for a good night. but now...i dunno. maybe it's the fall of the noldor that's depressing me. (that'd be wicked pathetic) maybe it's not having my cds. maybe i'm just being a fucking social coward, as usual.
i'm just talking to myself too much. i had a great time the first coupla weeks, just wandering off on my own, exploring. but now i have to work out how i'm gonna survive the next four months intact, and i think it's scaring the shit out of me. i've already figured out the shit i needed to figure out, and now i just need to remember it, stick with it, not end up paralyzed again like i always do.
and that's the fucking tough part. the part i can never handle.
simplify.
follow through.