Razor
Life has been sort of unclear to me lately. Everything is clouded. Nothing i do is really me. I feel like a wild animal that's been let out of a cage. I'm going crazy. Doing things i've never done before. Stupid things. "oh i was drunk" and "oh i was so fucked up" are becoming lame excuses. I need to get the shit beat out of me. For real. Im fucking lucky nothing really bad has happened to me yet. But, of course, im probably gunna take it for granted and keep living how i am. I have so much motivation and so much reason to clean up my life, but none of it really seems to matter anymore. I'm fallen so low, that getting up just doesnt even seem like a posibility. Maybe it's not. Maybe i'm done for good and this is my destiny. This is where i am supposed to be.
I really feel nothing anymore.
Im used and abused all because i use and abuse. Please..
I fucking need help. I want help. I'm done with this. I just need a push in the right direction, and it seems like all the people im hanging out with just wanna keep pushing me the wrong way. They say they care. they say they love me..So why do they let me do what i do?
I know it's not their job to watch me, but they should at least look out for me.
Recently I:
-have had no regards for others feelings except for mine and Jordans.
-Wasted all my money on bullshit
-disrepected my mother repeatidly by never being home and not respecting her house or her wishes and concerns.
-drinking and using HEAVILY
-not being careful or safe with MY body.
-Slacking in school
-lying
-serving
-Hanging out with the WRONG crowd..Knowingly.
-not doing anything to change it.
I think im gunna go hang out with Crocker tonite. He always makes me feel better. For some reason...Him, Julia, Evan, and Sam are the only people that can really do that. Make me feel better and give me confidence and assurance that i will be ok. That i can make it through another day and fix myself. and with them, i dont need drugs or alcohal because i have a good time without it. they make me smile and laugh. and..just remind me of how i used to be. How things used to be.
Last night was really horrible. I don't know what i was thinking. I guess i wasn't. I had far to much to drink. Ben told me i shouldn't drive, so i waited til he fell asleep then i dipped out because i thought i was ok. Well, i didnt realize i wasn't til i was already driving. It was like playing a damn video game. I had to concentrate so hard and the harder i tried, the more i swerved. Thank god im ok. It could have been really ugly.
i dont wanna be who i am. what i am.
i dont want to do what i do.
Someone make it all go away.
Hah # 1 stunna.
I really feel nothing anymore.
Im used and abused all because i use and abuse. Please..
I fucking need help. I want help. I'm done with this. I just need a push in the right direction, and it seems like all the people im hanging out with just wanna keep pushing me the wrong way. They say they care. they say they love me..So why do they let me do what i do?
I know it's not their job to watch me, but they should at least look out for me.
Recently I:
-have had no regards for others feelings except for mine and Jordans.
-Wasted all my money on bullshit
-disrepected my mother repeatidly by never being home and not respecting her house or her wishes and concerns.
-drinking and using HEAVILY
-not being careful or safe with MY body.
-Slacking in school
-lying
-serving
-Hanging out with the WRONG crowd..Knowingly.
-not doing anything to change it.
I think im gunna go hang out with Crocker tonite. He always makes me feel better. For some reason...Him, Julia, Evan, and Sam are the only people that can really do that. Make me feel better and give me confidence and assurance that i will be ok. That i can make it through another day and fix myself. and with them, i dont need drugs or alcohal because i have a good time without it. they make me smile and laugh. and..just remind me of how i used to be. How things used to be.
Last night was really horrible. I don't know what i was thinking. I guess i wasn't. I had far to much to drink. Ben told me i shouldn't drive, so i waited til he fell asleep then i dipped out because i thought i was ok. Well, i didnt realize i wasn't til i was already driving. It was like playing a damn video game. I had to concentrate so hard and the harder i tried, the more i swerved. Thank god im ok. It could have been really ugly.
i dont wanna be who i am. what i am.
i dont want to do what i do.
Someone make it all go away.
Hah # 1 stunna.