The Shadow Self and Weird Sandwiches
I was thinking about how when I was a kid I loved "weird sandwiches". I used to get made fun for eating them. So I eventually stopped because I cared about what people thought about my sandwiches. I liked to eat this strange combination at the Subway. A rib patty sandwich. (back when they sold the rib patties in my area) The patties didn't come with sauce. And shredded lettuce there was nothing else in the sandwich not even cheese. After I thought about it there might have been pickles. So I decided to make one at home. The taste was rather nostalgic. I could cherish the flavor and eat it in peace.
That made me think of my shadow self and how I suppressed my love for weird sandwiches. Then I was thinking about other things about my shadow self.
I remembered when I was so strongly drawn to something and the worse part was it made me act like a little kid. At first I didn't understand, and was shocked and upset by this. Now I realize it was my shadow self manifesting itself. But why that particular thing? After I thought about it the thing I was drawn to was unconventional that is why I like that thing so much. My suppressed inner weirdness I'm not sure if I could get away with being "quirky". I was always told those qualities were "bad" from a lot of people. Including significant adults in my life and other children. I know embracing your "quirky" side is like the thing now while you listen to jazz covers of metal songs and only wear 1970s vintage pants or something like that. I mean I'm usually so worried about being and looking weird it's not even funny.
The dying extrovert I've suppressed for like 20 years. I used to be very extroverted as a child. Then I got conditioned/bullied to be an introvert. Does a person's personality really set in at like 9 years old? Or younger? Maybe job interviews won't be so hard. I dread those so much. Maybe my shadow self can help me get a job. I know what part of my shadow self looks like its me in child form. She is probably cowering or in some other frightened position. She wants to talk to you and be your friend, but she is just afraid. Crippled by fear of rejection. Please befriend her if you want she likes weird sandwiches.
All my creative works that I've said "came from the heart" were probably made by my shadow self. Anything I make that doesn't "come from the heart" I feel is contrived, and I usually hate it. That was a problem I have in writing and art classes is that the teacher will want a really specific assignment. Then I have the inspiration to do something else totally unrelated to the assignment. Then I get upset because I'm really inspired to do that other thing.
I guess you are supposed to use your shadow self to find a hobby or talent you didn't know about and use it to find a career or something. If there is some hidden talent I have. I have not found it yet. Ideally I would like to be paid to write or draw, but then I start having doubts. Am I really that good? Will people want to buy my work? I've gotten over thinking I'm a "bad writer". I mean I never stopped writing I just thought it was not worth sharing. I would have stopped writing for years, and if I did that I would have gone crazy. I did think I was a bad writer for at least 3 years. I thought I was a bad writer because I thought I was too young and didn't experience much. I used to think "I've never done anything cool and interesting like go to Mongolia. Who wants to read a story about my dad being confused about a disposable camera? That sucks!" I would really like to go to all around the USA and see interesting things there and write about them. I would think that I could get along in the big cities because I'm from the city...sort of. Then I wouldn't need a passport. I think I might want to go to some smaller towns too. I haven't been to an interesting place like China or Egypt. Does that make me a bad writer? Then I started reading other people's work that was "homegrown" they weren't writing about traveling the world they were writing about mundane things like going to a diner and riding a bike. I thought "If this writer can make everyday things interesting they are a good writer." Then I stopped feeling so self consious about how "bland" my writing was or if other people thought it was no good because it was not travel writing. Because that is not the only kind of writing out there. I remembered the time I was upset when somebody told me I write like a child and I was upset. But now when I look back on it maybe it's not such a bad thing. You know what I'm gonna embrace that in some way I'm just not sure how.
Drawing is another story. I get really bad creative blocks from drawing. I get discouraged a lot because it doesn't come out as it looked like in my head. I have so many half finished drawings I bet I could make a whole scrapbook of those.
That made me think of my shadow self and how I suppressed my love for weird sandwiches. Then I was thinking about other things about my shadow self.
I remembered when I was so strongly drawn to something and the worse part was it made me act like a little kid. At first I didn't understand, and was shocked and upset by this. Now I realize it was my shadow self manifesting itself. But why that particular thing? After I thought about it the thing I was drawn to was unconventional that is why I like that thing so much. My suppressed inner weirdness I'm not sure if I could get away with being "quirky". I was always told those qualities were "bad" from a lot of people. Including significant adults in my life and other children. I know embracing your "quirky" side is like the thing now while you listen to jazz covers of metal songs and only wear 1970s vintage pants or something like that. I mean I'm usually so worried about being and looking weird it's not even funny.
The dying extrovert I've suppressed for like 20 years. I used to be very extroverted as a child. Then I got conditioned/bullied to be an introvert. Does a person's personality really set in at like 9 years old? Or younger? Maybe job interviews won't be so hard. I dread those so much. Maybe my shadow self can help me get a job. I know what part of my shadow self looks like its me in child form. She is probably cowering or in some other frightened position. She wants to talk to you and be your friend, but she is just afraid. Crippled by fear of rejection. Please befriend her if you want she likes weird sandwiches.
All my creative works that I've said "came from the heart" were probably made by my shadow self. Anything I make that doesn't "come from the heart" I feel is contrived, and I usually hate it. That was a problem I have in writing and art classes is that the teacher will want a really specific assignment. Then I have the inspiration to do something else totally unrelated to the assignment. Then I get upset because I'm really inspired to do that other thing.
I guess you are supposed to use your shadow self to find a hobby or talent you didn't know about and use it to find a career or something. If there is some hidden talent I have. I have not found it yet. Ideally I would like to be paid to write or draw, but then I start having doubts. Am I really that good? Will people want to buy my work? I've gotten over thinking I'm a "bad writer". I mean I never stopped writing I just thought it was not worth sharing. I would have stopped writing for years, and if I did that I would have gone crazy. I did think I was a bad writer for at least 3 years. I thought I was a bad writer because I thought I was too young and didn't experience much. I used to think "I've never done anything cool and interesting like go to Mongolia. Who wants to read a story about my dad being confused about a disposable camera? That sucks!" I would really like to go to all around the USA and see interesting things there and write about them. I would think that I could get along in the big cities because I'm from the city...sort of. Then I wouldn't need a passport. I think I might want to go to some smaller towns too. I haven't been to an interesting place like China or Egypt. Does that make me a bad writer? Then I started reading other people's work that was "homegrown" they weren't writing about traveling the world they were writing about mundane things like going to a diner and riding a bike. I thought "If this writer can make everyday things interesting they are a good writer." Then I stopped feeling so self consious about how "bland" my writing was or if other people thought it was no good because it was not travel writing. Because that is not the only kind of writing out there. I remembered the time I was upset when somebody told me I write like a child and I was upset. But now when I look back on it maybe it's not such a bad thing. You know what I'm gonna embrace that in some way I'm just not sure how.
Drawing is another story. I get really bad creative blocks from drawing. I get discouraged a lot because it doesn't come out as it looked like in my head. I have so many half finished drawings I bet I could make a whole scrapbook of those.