and turn off the shyness...
okay. i hardly ever write real entries. like entries talking about feelings and emotions and crap, cause i just feel that it's not good to let yourself be so vunerable to comments good or bad. well screw that. i need to talk.
okay, first, the lovely topic of boys. they confuse the hell out of me. i like him, we talk, it's wierd. never was wierd before, all of a sudden it is. i'm probably being stupid about it all, but i just keep feeling like i should give up, he's too good for you, he won't actually like you, so stop trying. but then another part just keeps telling me to act normal, act like the friends that we were before, the guy i could tell anything. so i'm gonna try to listen to that part of me, not the sad icky stupid depressed part.
second, another grand topic, friends. i really feel like i have none. i know i do, it just sometimes seem like all my friendships are fake. their not, just seems like they are. i love my friends, i would die without them. i just cant talk to them like i want to sometimes. if i could, i wouldn't be writing this entry. i just need someone to talk to, tell problems, help figure them out, and reassure me that i'm not being an idiot.
third, crew. it's wierd for me to be writing about crew. it's like, wtf, i quit. today was the banquet for all them. and i realized that i really miss it. i don't miss the drama, and the uselessness i felt from being the manager. but i miss my friends. since i quit, half my friends have deserted me. she used to be my best friend, now she's a total brat to me. we used to talk, i used to like him actually, now he hates me too. all cause i quit crew? i mean, i know i used to be obsessed with crew too, but did i actually leave my friends like they left me? i hope not. if i did i'm really sorry, cause it feels like shit.
forth, people. i really dont understand why people fight, or like, purposely make each other sad. i understand getting really mad, and that stuff. i know i've fought with people and unintentionally made people sad. -- you know who you are, i never meant to hurt you. no matter what you think. -- people piss me off, and if they do it enough, i'll say something, but like, full out fighting arrrg i'm gonna beat your ass. that's dumb. if your saying it, i doubt you could anyways, or you would've done it already. so yea, let's all just stop. be nice, everyone will be a whole lot happier.
fifth, high school love. shut up. there is no such thing. you date for a week, i love you! bulllshit. just be quiet, i can only think of two people who actually love each other. the rest of you be quiet, you get caught up in the other person and think you love them. you don't, you love the idea of loving them. hey, i love the idea of everything working out for everyone, doesn't mean it'll happen. i doubt it will. so just hush, your going to break up in a month, and fall in love with the next person you like anyways. i understand loving someone, not falling in love. so don't fall next time if you cant stand up, there may not be someone there to help.
sixth, sorry. i'm sorry for writing this entry, i'm sorry if i hurt you ever, i'm sorry if i pissed you off, sorry if you hate me, sorry if i annoy you, sorry for everything. there, i said my apoligies. so don't hold anything against me.
seven, i freaking love fall out boy. i've been listening to them since i got home tonight, and i love them.
the end. comment if you want. i'm not going to force you.
-- audrey.