Sometimes I really hate God
They say we were created in God's image, to desire the things that he desired such as life, death and procreation. Sometimes I really hate God for that.
I am unemployed...again. This is by choice. This also means that I have more time to think about life and beyond, which is never a good thing. Instead of taking the time to write what needs to be written, I've flittered the time away with WoW and sleeping. Sometimes I eat, but depression puts me into a state that prevents the digestion of food.
And now I wonder what kind of mom I would really be. It's not like I get much of a choice at this point, but there's this ambiguous space where it could be a mass of nothing instead of some form of life. My history puts me in this limbo and only time can play my friend. Would I be relieved to find nothing there? By god, yes. I would go back to how things are and snap out of this feeling that pits emptiness at the bottom of my stomach. And what of the other choice? I really don't know.
I know that no one out there wants to see me cry about silly shit. My problems are nothing compared to the state of the world. But while Chris is pretending everything is just fine and dandy, I feel lost and alone. I have nothing beyond the corner that I curl up into when everyone else in my home is asleep. I don't know why I feel this way. What's done is done and I can't change it. Why should it matter? It's not like I would doing the world a favor by adding to its population. I wouldn't be the best choice for a parent anyways, I have no patience and I'm selfish. No one out there would ever want someone like me for a mom. See? If it turned out for the worst, that would probably be the for the best anyways. But if that's the case, why am I still sitting here crying?
Sometimes I really hate you God.
I am unemployed...again. This is by choice. This also means that I have more time to think about life and beyond, which is never a good thing. Instead of taking the time to write what needs to be written, I've flittered the time away with WoW and sleeping. Sometimes I eat, but depression puts me into a state that prevents the digestion of food.
And now I wonder what kind of mom I would really be. It's not like I get much of a choice at this point, but there's this ambiguous space where it could be a mass of nothing instead of some form of life. My history puts me in this limbo and only time can play my friend. Would I be relieved to find nothing there? By god, yes. I would go back to how things are and snap out of this feeling that pits emptiness at the bottom of my stomach. And what of the other choice? I really don't know.
I know that no one out there wants to see me cry about silly shit. My problems are nothing compared to the state of the world. But while Chris is pretending everything is just fine and dandy, I feel lost and alone. I have nothing beyond the corner that I curl up into when everyone else in my home is asleep. I don't know why I feel this way. What's done is done and I can't change it. Why should it matter? It's not like I would doing the world a favor by adding to its population. I wouldn't be the best choice for a parent anyways, I have no patience and I'm selfish. No one out there would ever want someone like me for a mom. See? If it turned out for the worst, that would probably be the for the best anyways. But if that's the case, why am I still sitting here crying?
Sometimes I really hate you God.