Bad Coffee
“Whoah there! Little filly, what part of two shots of espresso with lots of plain dry foam don’t you understand?”
Coffee Grounds
I can’t drink drip coffee because the longer it stands the more acidic it gets and it fucks with my system. It makes my stomach upset.
Every time the coffee houses change baristas, I need to train the new expert on what the fuck a ‘doppio espresso with extra dry foam’ means. It’s like drinking my whiskey ‘neat’. No room for syrupy swill or I get headaches. Just that strong quick fix, resets my sleep energy for the day. It’s like hitting a switch! And when it kicks in, I feel OK! All three local coffee houses Esquires, Koko's and Starbucks have new employees, must be a college/highschool semester turnover. Hard to find experienced help, I guess.
When the coffee house changes their beans, or the smooth rich taste suddenly becomes bitter, acidic or flavoured with shit, I leave and go find a new place to get my fix. Italian Joe tells me it's impossible to find reliable workers lately, and he has a $25,000 auto espresso machine, and he let's me make my own coffee. That worked well knowing what I want, until he decided to cheap out on the beans and buy them in bulk from Costco instead of the Italian supplier.
When their steamer is too hot or too cold, I get fried slag or lactose intolerant milk. The thing I need to impress is that I think I am lactose intolerant. I don’t normally do dairy, but properly steamed foam doesn’t seem to affect me that way. it changes the lactose to become tolerant for me. I instantly react to the wrong mix, like an allergic reaction, and I’m not enjoying feeling that way. Some of them don’t understand the word foam, and pour milk right into the cup, so I back them up and make them do it again! Or there will be hell to pay. I’m glad I’m not in bed with them. It’s like being half way towards orgasm and then being told they’re not in the mood. The guys are even worse, they try to make me cream in my jeans, by making the coffee uber strong, for men, but that’s not for me. I’m just fucking sensitive. I believe when the steam heats the foam I really don’t care about what other people think. They mostly drink “coffee flavoured” syrup and milk.
And now there are the lineups! Ten or twelve deep, waiting for a steeped cup-o-swill. Once you get through the cue, there is nothing to do, and nowhere to sit, all chairs are already occupied. So I stand there sipping my fix, and by the time something clears, I’ve finished my cup. So off into the day I go, with no relaxing experience to show. These days satisfying our basic needs is like eating on the toilet, no time to eat and no time to shit, just time to pay for getting substandard belly shakes. So more likely, I leave there depressed less happy than I was when I arrived hopefully expecting some magic potion, which turns out to be poison.
Here is the Lowdown for us Coffee Snobs :
1. Stale coffee - You can tell from the popped bubbles around the edges of the cup that the coffee has sat for far too long. From a distance this coffee looks ok, but it probably tastes terrible.
2. Mottled crema - The weird froth like texture to a crema suggests a poorly made macchiato or an espresso that was drawn for too long.
3. Burnt coffee beans - Most beans aren’t too bad, but if you look carefully several of them are so dark that any coffee you made with them would taste acidic and horrible.
4. Over steeped coffee - Coffee is only ever this dark if it has sat in a coffee maker for hours before being served. All the coffee taste is overpowered by the insipid tang of coffee grounds that have steeped too long.
You rarely find a fine crafted pour that decorates the foam with a pour through expresso motif in the fashion of the Italian cappuccinos. These days it's more likely slathered with syrup, whipped cream or candy sprinkles. Presentation is everything! Gourmet coffees range from $3.50 to $10.00 a cup depending what you get in it. For that price they should paint a da Vinci masterpiece on the foam for you. Life is too short to drink bad coffee and bad coffee photography on your smartphone is helping to perpetuate a lack of taste. Demand more from your pour and from your stock photos of coffee!
https://www.getcoffeebehappy.com/
What happens when you drink the shit coffee from the bottom of the barrel?
.
Coffee Grounds
I can’t drink drip coffee because the longer it stands the more acidic it gets and it fucks with my system. It makes my stomach upset.
Every time the coffee houses change baristas, I need to train the new expert on what the fuck a ‘doppio espresso with extra dry foam’ means. It’s like drinking my whiskey ‘neat’. No room for syrupy swill or I get headaches. Just that strong quick fix, resets my sleep energy for the day. It’s like hitting a switch! And when it kicks in, I feel OK! All three local coffee houses Esquires, Koko's and Starbucks have new employees, must be a college/highschool semester turnover. Hard to find experienced help, I guess.
When the coffee house changes their beans, or the smooth rich taste suddenly becomes bitter, acidic or flavoured with shit, I leave and go find a new place to get my fix. Italian Joe tells me it's impossible to find reliable workers lately, and he has a $25,000 auto espresso machine, and he let's me make my own coffee. That worked well knowing what I want, until he decided to cheap out on the beans and buy them in bulk from Costco instead of the Italian supplier.
When their steamer is too hot or too cold, I get fried slag or lactose intolerant milk. The thing I need to impress is that I think I am lactose intolerant. I don’t normally do dairy, but properly steamed foam doesn’t seem to affect me that way. it changes the lactose to become tolerant for me. I instantly react to the wrong mix, like an allergic reaction, and I’m not enjoying feeling that way. Some of them don’t understand the word foam, and pour milk right into the cup, so I back them up and make them do it again! Or there will be hell to pay. I’m glad I’m not in bed with them. It’s like being half way towards orgasm and then being told they’re not in the mood. The guys are even worse, they try to make me cream in my jeans, by making the coffee uber strong, for men, but that’s not for me. I’m just fucking sensitive. I believe when the steam heats the foam I really don’t care about what other people think. They mostly drink “coffee flavoured” syrup and milk.
And now there are the lineups! Ten or twelve deep, waiting for a steeped cup-o-swill. Once you get through the cue, there is nothing to do, and nowhere to sit, all chairs are already occupied. So I stand there sipping my fix, and by the time something clears, I’ve finished my cup. So off into the day I go, with no relaxing experience to show. These days satisfying our basic needs is like eating on the toilet, no time to eat and no time to shit, just time to pay for getting substandard belly shakes. So more likely, I leave there depressed less happy than I was when I arrived hopefully expecting some magic potion, which turns out to be poison.
Here is the Lowdown for us Coffee Snobs :
1. Stale coffee - You can tell from the popped bubbles around the edges of the cup that the coffee has sat for far too long. From a distance this coffee looks ok, but it probably tastes terrible.
2. Mottled crema - The weird froth like texture to a crema suggests a poorly made macchiato or an espresso that was drawn for too long.
3. Burnt coffee beans - Most beans aren’t too bad, but if you look carefully several of them are so dark that any coffee you made with them would taste acidic and horrible.
4. Over steeped coffee - Coffee is only ever this dark if it has sat in a coffee maker for hours before being served. All the coffee taste is overpowered by the insipid tang of coffee grounds that have steeped too long.
You rarely find a fine crafted pour that decorates the foam with a pour through expresso motif in the fashion of the Italian cappuccinos. These days it's more likely slathered with syrup, whipped cream or candy sprinkles. Presentation is everything! Gourmet coffees range from $3.50 to $10.00 a cup depending what you get in it. For that price they should paint a da Vinci masterpiece on the foam for you. Life is too short to drink bad coffee and bad coffee photography on your smartphone is helping to perpetuate a lack of taste. Demand more from your pour and from your stock photos of coffee!
https://www.getcoffeebehappy.com/
What happens when you drink the shit coffee from the bottom of the barrel?
.