Just had the inevitable blowup argument with GF after a year of stressful change and struggle with health, finances, etc.
Always trying to see the glass half full, but it's been a pretty empty year with friends dying of cancer, others sick and struggling,
drains on finances, changes in our goddam living standards, being on disability and fixed income. What do we argue about?
Nothing. Nothing that matters. Trivial bullshit that shouldn't matter, that triggers underlying regrets and feelings.
I really don't want to get into it.
I think turkey is comfort food to stuff our feelings and the tryptophan helps us release the anger and sleep it off.
I've done enough soul-searching this year for a life time. I'm pretty done with that. I don't want more anything. I want out.
I want to be left alone, time to dream and wonder. Failing that I think I just want to die. Who gives a fuck about all of it?
Life means nothing and doesn't amount to a hill of beans, in spite of all the positive things I have to be thankful for. What
have I got to show for it? Piles of unfinished good intentions that my health stops me from finishing. The worst feeling is losing
confidence within myself, and not knowing how to ask for help or recognize help when it is offered or able to accept. Pride,
distrust, hate, separation, loss, negativity, depression, anxiety, misogynist, disillusionment, are all underlying themes of
negative feeling. Just in time for the Christmas season!
Maybe this is just part of getting old and knowing too much and unable to do anything about it.
For more reasons to never trust anyone ever, check out Google and "reasons to never trust anyone ever"
.