"I Can't Live Without You..."
So LJ, I'm going to let it all out. Because you'll listen. You can't respond nor can you give me any advice, but you can listen nonetheless.
I refuse to let myself get involved. It's silly really. But time and time again I've fallen, stumbled, and had my heart broken. I've done well considering it's been a little over a month. But I'm falling again. Not so much as the past two times, but still. The phone rings and I jump. And then I become disappointed. I become antsy when it's past time for my cell to ring. And it's stupid. I have so many questions, and no answers. Mainly because I'm scared to ask. Does this mean anything? Is it another fling? Or is there really something deeper? I know some but not all, defiently not enough. I don't want to come off as some immature teenager. But maybe I need time to play the teenager so long as I keep my adult status up to quo. I don't regret it. I don't regret anything. It's more than I expected. I love it really. The secrecy and wholeness of it. If that makes any sense. But recently, I've learned you can't base or make life plans according to relationships. Therefore, I'm scared to think any further than a week ahead. Maybe even a day ahead. I'm compromising so many things. As for in a year, when I transfer to a University, where will I go? I don't want to go far. I barely even know what I want to do with my life! What if things take a turn for the serious? I can't just get up and leave. I'm not that kind of girl. And I refuse to become upset, or cry, or become angry. Which I've been very good about thus far. I've handled the situation well. I've distanced myself just enough yet let myself become involved so that things are just "so". But to walk away, please. I'd come running back.
At times I feel like screaming. As silly as this is, I talk it out. Me and the mirror. And everything comes out as I want it to. His responses and everything. But as life works, that won't be happening. I'm sure I'll get a response out of left field or I'll forget what I had planned, or...I dunno. It will all go wrong and everything will become awkward. And how to refer to it! It's not valid but it's not as though there's nothing. There's feelings right? Something? Whatever...I feel like getting up, giving in, letting go, and walking away. But the person I am won't let me do that. Never mind that it's impossible because, where would I go?
Come four months, four months to the date, come September 16 I'll get my answers. I just pray it works until then. That it last long enough and that I don't breakdown before then.
"...Can't Breathe Without You, I Dream About You"
I refuse to let myself get involved. It's silly really. But time and time again I've fallen, stumbled, and had my heart broken. I've done well considering it's been a little over a month. But I'm falling again. Not so much as the past two times, but still. The phone rings and I jump. And then I become disappointed. I become antsy when it's past time for my cell to ring. And it's stupid. I have so many questions, and no answers. Mainly because I'm scared to ask. Does this mean anything? Is it another fling? Or is there really something deeper? I know some but not all, defiently not enough. I don't want to come off as some immature teenager. But maybe I need time to play the teenager so long as I keep my adult status up to quo. I don't regret it. I don't regret anything. It's more than I expected. I love it really. The secrecy and wholeness of it. If that makes any sense. But recently, I've learned you can't base or make life plans according to relationships. Therefore, I'm scared to think any further than a week ahead. Maybe even a day ahead. I'm compromising so many things. As for in a year, when I transfer to a University, where will I go? I don't want to go far. I barely even know what I want to do with my life! What if things take a turn for the serious? I can't just get up and leave. I'm not that kind of girl. And I refuse to become upset, or cry, or become angry. Which I've been very good about thus far. I've handled the situation well. I've distanced myself just enough yet let myself become involved so that things are just "so". But to walk away, please. I'd come running back.
At times I feel like screaming. As silly as this is, I talk it out. Me and the mirror. And everything comes out as I want it to. His responses and everything. But as life works, that won't be happening. I'm sure I'll get a response out of left field or I'll forget what I had planned, or...I dunno. It will all go wrong and everything will become awkward. And how to refer to it! It's not valid but it's not as though there's nothing. There's feelings right? Something? Whatever...I feel like getting up, giving in, letting go, and walking away. But the person I am won't let me do that. Never mind that it's impossible because, where would I go?
Come four months, four months to the date, come September 16 I'll get my answers. I just pray it works until then. That it last long enough and that I don't breakdown before then.
"...Can't Breathe Without You, I Dream About You"