monday
Today, i woke up to a morning not so unlike the previous ones. The faint perfume released from the grass crushed underfoot in the streams of human traffic scurrying about campus wafted in as the world jiggled into clarity when reluctant eyelids struggled back to reveal a room half lit- the result of a futile attempt by the cheap window blinds to dam the relentless flood of light from the sun. There was a difference to the feel of this morning but it was so slight as to be rendered almost imperceptible - kinda like when you've had a series of uncomfortable dream-filled nights and then one morning you wake up from unhindered sleep to a difference defined by the LACK of something rather than by the pressence of something new. I slid into my chair, opened up my sexy macbook as safari swung open a window through which the vastness of the world beyond trickled through in a stream of images, hypertext and verbs. from that chaos, on a random blog I stumbled upon a little anecdote about accepting loss so heartfelt and so triumphant in its almost childlike simplicity that it made me smile.
Much of our experience is defined by paradox. The important and meaningful ones are anyway. people revel in complexity - the obvious, simple and trivial are often hardly worth mulling over. Here's one: sometimes you have to relinquish control of a situation in order to regain some semblance of order. I've been trying so hard to make things right, preoccupied with how things were spiralling out of order that I was blind to the fact that deep inside I was really hoping for an impossible return to a time now past. It's akin to grasping a wee shrub rooted in loose slick bank mud, as the rest of your body is submerged under the screaming, implacable waters of a raging river that you've fallen into. Your first instinct is to pull yourself up, albeit knowing that in all probability, doing so would sever your tenuous link to soild land, releasing you into watery oblivion. yet I yanked; and oh, oh, did it give.
In retrospect, hanging on and waiting for the eddies and currents to dissipate was a comparatively more prudent measure, but rationality is never in order when emotions are so inflamed. Yes, time smooths out the kinks - the difference between knowing that and accepting it is one of an order of magnitude. that and the simple faith that given what i know about me and you and how we both are, that when the waters clear, two people will find a way to be friends again. I miss the bobas, the ancient fob music and just being able to laugh, share, scheme and ruminate with somebody that just got it all, but for now, realizing the need for letting go and having a little hope for the future goes a long way towards being happy.
Much of our experience is defined by paradox. The important and meaningful ones are anyway. people revel in complexity - the obvious, simple and trivial are often hardly worth mulling over. Here's one: sometimes you have to relinquish control of a situation in order to regain some semblance of order. I've been trying so hard to make things right, preoccupied with how things were spiralling out of order that I was blind to the fact that deep inside I was really hoping for an impossible return to a time now past. It's akin to grasping a wee shrub rooted in loose slick bank mud, as the rest of your body is submerged under the screaming, implacable waters of a raging river that you've fallen into. Your first instinct is to pull yourself up, albeit knowing that in all probability, doing so would sever your tenuous link to soild land, releasing you into watery oblivion. yet I yanked; and oh, oh, did it give.
In retrospect, hanging on and waiting for the eddies and currents to dissipate was a comparatively more prudent measure, but rationality is never in order when emotions are so inflamed. Yes, time smooths out the kinks - the difference between knowing that and accepting it is one of an order of magnitude. that and the simple faith that given what i know about me and you and how we both are, that when the waters clear, two people will find a way to be friends again. I miss the bobas, the ancient fob music and just being able to laugh, share, scheme and ruminate with somebody that just got it all, but for now, realizing the need for letting go and having a little hope for the future goes a long way towards being happy.