Living Nightmares
I hate dreams. I mean, I like the idea of them, but they always fuck me in the ass. Every single morning I wake up with this big feeling of unrest (figuratively speaking). My dreams are either scary/unpleasant or so amazingly wonderful... until I realize it was just a dream. I've always had that weird ability to realize I'm dreaming and tweak my dreams without waking, but the things being tweaked still haunt my daylight hours.
I thought about this a lot while taking a walk in Sicily 2 weeks ago. The biggest problem is that I have trouble figuring out what has really happened and what was just a dream. The dreams sneak into my memories. This often causes unnecessary paranoia and discomfort, especially when interacting with people effected in the dreams. I remember feelings, images, and emotions more than actual plot. Most commonly, someone in a dream finds out something about me - good or bad - and then, days later, I either feel a false sense of relief that the discussion/discovery happened or panic out of fear that they know something they don't or hate me for some reason or another.
I'm generally a little too sensitive to what people think about me. It's kind of sad how much trouble I go to to seem as though I don't give a damn what people think. My dreams tend to exploit that. In a very bad way.
Examples: These may seem silly or fickle, but they really tear me down. There are a lot more that I'm not willing to share on the internet.
James. So many dreams involving him and me or him and Sarah (his girlfriend). I had a full-fledged breakdown on the trip. I've had too many dreams about him to distinguish any particular one, but they either involve a necessary discussion between the two of us, usually ending good, or him and Sarah being bitches. Needless to say, these dreams don't help me get over him. It's been almost 5 months since he dumped me for that whore (I don't use that word lightly). It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to sleep at night.
A (male) friend of mine is very cute and extremely intelligent, and also a considerable party animal. I don't exactly remember the details, but I dreamt that we kissed/hooked up at a party or something. I think we started dating informally. The problem (in the dream, at least) is a girl (pretty awesome girl, and very sweet in real life) he on/off dated for several months and is pretty hard-core best friends with now, sort of a soulmates thing. Well, in the dream, something went wrong. She either admitted to never liking me or caused a big scene involving calling me a whore. Well, anyone who knows me well knows that me actually being a whore/slut is pretty far-fetched, thus I'm pretty sensitive to such accusations. The guy ended up getting hurt too, and I HATE hurting people. Even though it never happened, I can't forget the image of her yelling at me and scoffing with pure distaste. Now, everytime I think about her I get a terrible, hurt feeling. My subconscious has tried to back up her "always hating me" with (most likely) tweaked memories of all of our interactions. It really sucks.
I keep fearing that my parents know various things that they really shouldn't because they find out in dreams. I woke up in a cold sweat a few times this trip and obviously couldn't discuss it with them.
Lots of running.
I don't like sleeping anymore. It terrifies me. Any tips for dreamless sleep? I have 2 dreamcatchers above my bed. They don't stop the nightmares.
Too much dream-caused anxiety. All the time.
HELP ME.
--eM
PS. I finally saw Pirates of the Caribbean 2 last night. It kicks ass. If I were Elizabeth, I'd be regretting turning down Commodore Norrington's marriage proposal...
I thought about this a lot while taking a walk in Sicily 2 weeks ago. The biggest problem is that I have trouble figuring out what has really happened and what was just a dream. The dreams sneak into my memories. This often causes unnecessary paranoia and discomfort, especially when interacting with people effected in the dreams. I remember feelings, images, and emotions more than actual plot. Most commonly, someone in a dream finds out something about me - good or bad - and then, days later, I either feel a false sense of relief that the discussion/discovery happened or panic out of fear that they know something they don't or hate me for some reason or another.
I'm generally a little too sensitive to what people think about me. It's kind of sad how much trouble I go to to seem as though I don't give a damn what people think. My dreams tend to exploit that. In a very bad way.
Examples: These may seem silly or fickle, but they really tear me down. There are a lot more that I'm not willing to share on the internet.
James. So many dreams involving him and me or him and Sarah (his girlfriend). I had a full-fledged breakdown on the trip. I've had too many dreams about him to distinguish any particular one, but they either involve a necessary discussion between the two of us, usually ending good, or him and Sarah being bitches. Needless to say, these dreams don't help me get over him. It's been almost 5 months since he dumped me for that whore (I don't use that word lightly). It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to sleep at night.
A (male) friend of mine is very cute and extremely intelligent, and also a considerable party animal. I don't exactly remember the details, but I dreamt that we kissed/hooked up at a party or something. I think we started dating informally. The problem (in the dream, at least) is a girl (pretty awesome girl, and very sweet in real life) he on/off dated for several months and is pretty hard-core best friends with now, sort of a soulmates thing. Well, in the dream, something went wrong. She either admitted to never liking me or caused a big scene involving calling me a whore. Well, anyone who knows me well knows that me actually being a whore/slut is pretty far-fetched, thus I'm pretty sensitive to such accusations. The guy ended up getting hurt too, and I HATE hurting people. Even though it never happened, I can't forget the image of her yelling at me and scoffing with pure distaste. Now, everytime I think about her I get a terrible, hurt feeling. My subconscious has tried to back up her "always hating me" with (most likely) tweaked memories of all of our interactions. It really sucks.
I keep fearing that my parents know various things that they really shouldn't because they find out in dreams. I woke up in a cold sweat a few times this trip and obviously couldn't discuss it with them.
Lots of running.
I don't like sleeping anymore. It terrifies me. Any tips for dreamless sleep? I have 2 dreamcatchers above my bed. They don't stop the nightmares.
Too much dream-caused anxiety. All the time.
HELP ME.
--eM
PS. I finally saw Pirates of the Caribbean 2 last night. It kicks ass. If I were Elizabeth, I'd be regretting turning down Commodore Norrington's marriage proposal...