Xenization
Much akin to people returning to prayer in troubled times, I return to my own sigilism during periods of confusion.
I think...yes...I think I need, dare I say it, HOMEWORK.
Or something.
I'm afraid my daily crosswords, while still fun to me, aren't doing the trick anymore. My concern is that I have become dumber as of late. Although one could argue that in order to become dumber, you'd have to first have a measured level of intelligence. And I suppose we'd have to figure out what intelligence means in this case. Maybe. I think you all know what I'm talking about here.
Is it due to an absence of schooling to focus on? My gut says "yes, partially." It seems that my lack of disciplined learning could be circumvented by a gentle prodding of due dates and assigned reading. However, this only seems to work when coming from an outside source. The obvious solution is to return to school, but in my particular case, this is a complicated matter. I'm not sure if I discussed this in an earlier post, and I'm too lazy to check.
There is an overtly self-critical area of my mind that suggests a deeper issue at hand, and to be honest, I don't know how to properly convey the idea. Here's an attempt: internal reward vs. practical application of actualized self-knowledge. Yeah, I don't know. I still feel that doesn't cut it. Is it possible to know who you are (mostly) yet still not have a clue as to where you fit in? Absolutely. Is that what I'm trying to say? Sort of. Like I said, it's difficult for me to bring this idea/feeling into the proper light because I can't quite get both my hands around it. The object has become slippery with the sweat of my own brow.
I often wonder if it was a mistake to focus more on who I am than what I should be doing. Age factor? I'm three decades in, sharing a house with my parents, jumping from job to job, comically single, still trying to "be a writer," with 6+ collective years of school amounting to a degree more useless than the roll of shit tickets in the bathroom. So far, anyway. These things do indeed bother me (oh hai, regrets) but not as much as the issue at hand. By contrast, my laundry list of status complaints seems correctable.
Give me some homework.
I think...yes...I think I need, dare I say it, HOMEWORK.
Or something.
I'm afraid my daily crosswords, while still fun to me, aren't doing the trick anymore. My concern is that I have become dumber as of late. Although one could argue that in order to become dumber, you'd have to first have a measured level of intelligence. And I suppose we'd have to figure out what intelligence means in this case. Maybe. I think you all know what I'm talking about here.
Is it due to an absence of schooling to focus on? My gut says "yes, partially." It seems that my lack of disciplined learning could be circumvented by a gentle prodding of due dates and assigned reading. However, this only seems to work when coming from an outside source. The obvious solution is to return to school, but in my particular case, this is a complicated matter. I'm not sure if I discussed this in an earlier post, and I'm too lazy to check.
There is an overtly self-critical area of my mind that suggests a deeper issue at hand, and to be honest, I don't know how to properly convey the idea. Here's an attempt: internal reward vs. practical application of actualized self-knowledge. Yeah, I don't know. I still feel that doesn't cut it. Is it possible to know who you are (mostly) yet still not have a clue as to where you fit in? Absolutely. Is that what I'm trying to say? Sort of. Like I said, it's difficult for me to bring this idea/feeling into the proper light because I can't quite get both my hands around it. The object has become slippery with the sweat of my own brow.
I often wonder if it was a mistake to focus more on who I am than what I should be doing. Age factor? I'm three decades in, sharing a house with my parents, jumping from job to job, comically single, still trying to "be a writer," with 6+ collective years of school amounting to a degree more useless than the roll of shit tickets in the bathroom. So far, anyway. These things do indeed bother me (oh hai, regrets) but not as much as the issue at hand. By contrast, my laundry list of status complaints seems correctable.
Give me some homework.