(no subject)
I was looking at my old entries from nickysowncheese and came across this...
Well I was actually searching for this one in particular... but hey I like it.
There is something about it that has a standing meaning, though it has nothing to do with a situation in currently in.
To better your understanding, here's as I recall what I was talking about.
My friend, can't recall his name... but he has undergone multiple abuses and has sleep horrors and the like. But he fell in love with this girl and was going to ask her to marry him but she said no...
So he gave the ring to his narcissist friend to keep so he wouldn't be reminded of her. His friend had these false ideals and I just remember that the guy was marvelous at pissing me off...
And this is what I wrote on it:
Well... I have finally realized that being content with my life isn't enough, and that thought has pulled me out of serenity and way farther into depression than ever before as if the mob gave me cement shoes. Why am I so fake? Worse than fake... passed fake like fake sugar, Splenda... "tastes like sugar, because it's made from sugar." Splenda is in denial of how fake it is... as am I. Perhaps 8% of the time that I smile, it is fake, Whether to an old man walking passed me or a little child that just fell on it's ass. 7% of those smiles are me thinking of how fake I am. Then how is this denial? Because I want to be that person so badly. (as I sit here talking about something that means more than most people think... or perhaps less. I am waiting for someone to write me a story.)
He has pushed me off the edge... I was never on an edge... I was stuck an a edge. Either one, give or take. He is so down to Earth that I can't take it! His mind fixed on the idea that everyone around Him are less than what they same. We all know it's true. We just refuse to admit it. Why do the little things count? Everything big is only big in one persons mind. In His mind life is smaller than his mind and it is only His mind that is hidden inside of him... someplace. His apathy to how many people He has hurt... that I don't even know Him. I listen to Him... not His voice but His words. I want to eat His soul. Wait no, I do not want that thing to exist anywhere. It must be demolished. His dear friend, my dear friend, He truly does care for. That I do know. Our friend's state is far to different than ours. He knows our friend much better than I do. Our friend misunderstands me... sees me as a source of entertainment. Says that I keep him somewhat happy... I think and hope at least. Our friend needs it... He knows that. Our friend sees me as naive and little, I am far from naive, however, if it is a way to be the person that I am not, I will become that. I can become blissful in the snap of a finger and then disconsolate. Or the two at the same time. He is not aware of this. He is weaker than he thinks. But stronger than we all know. He is powerful... yet powerless.
Weak. Strong. Smart. Dumb. Ignorant. Hypocrite. Down to Earth. Human. Inhumane. Far from help... To me there is but a thin strand of hair that separates the two. Our friend killed by love. Torn in two. And was once human. Our friends state is far from Him and I's. He knows this. He knows how hard our friend fell... much more than I do. He carries the ring that She returned to our friend in their departure. And what is the love that has killed so many? Do only weak humans love? I hear that inhumane people... do not love. I find inhumane people smart. All the comes with love is hurt, pain, sorrow, regret, yet happiness. A smart person is even wiser to stay away from happiness. For they know, as I know yet can't keep from doing, is that by becoming anything more than content causes the fall to depression harder... yet oddly enough softly, as I have fallen. I wonder how hard He fell, and our friend fell. Harder than I did.
All I know is that I need someone to keep me from the fall... the fall to the hole with no foot holes. The fall the forces you to realize how worthless and pointless everything is. When you are far past the point of realizing that you need someone to pull you back up, unless you're strong enough to pull yourself back up. But the strong never fall. They never succumb. Our friend succumbed... hypnotized by love our friend fell. And hasn't gotten back up... I'd love to be the one to pull our friend up. He wouldn't stop me. I doubt he'd even watch me...
I'm afraid of love more than anything. I know i need it... and I know that Shane is an excuse for Aaron and I not talking as much... Aaron is... far from Blue. Better than anything imaginable. I just hope Aaron doesn't make me fall and that I don't make Shane fall. Because then they'll be no one to pull us up...
This was about 3 years ago... hah I don't even talk to Blue and Aaron anymore...
Silly when you look back on things.
The night before yesterday I went on a walk because "I couldn't sleep", got locked out and mum found out. Now she is angry... and that makes me uncomfortable. A lot of cooking going on. :D I miss Pat :(