Rain and insomnia
Once again up, and not the least bit tierd [yeah I know Alex I told you I was going to bed, ... didnt work out...] So much for a snow day, fricken 3 degrees too warm.
I swear to god if we have diving practice tomorroe and I have to listen to denise talk, shes going in the pool. Maybe Ill have her straddle the lane lines. She has faith and is helping everyone except me, even the fucking girl whos scared to do anything other than dive. Aly was 'doing doubles' today, which she could def do but is scared to so would never do it, and denise [along with everyone else] is like cheering her on and helping the whole way. And then there's me, slightly less skilled but much more ballsy, and I keep trying it, coming up a little short, not being able to open up or I land funny and hurt myself. But does anyone help? no, I dont think anyone was even watching me at all, I shared the enthusiasm I had for doing it the first time all on my own underwater in my emense pain of throwing my back out when I hit the water at macc 4. Only when I really fucked up and SLAMMED myself flat out on my back on the water did anyone finally notice I was even alive.
My back is still red
fuck diving
This week is the slowest week Ive ever lived through
last weekend was really fucked up...
Looking out my window and there's dirty snow all over the ground, puddles of mud and bare gray trees soaked with the slowly dripping freezing cold rain thats oozing out of the sky. Most depressing sight.
I swear to god Im not even living anymore. Just going through the designated motions of how liana the human girl is suposed to act. Everythings just a moving haze of color and faces. I cant tell reality from my dreams, daydreams, thoughts. I keep missing the right train at the train station and all I can do is sit around and eat expired hotdogs. Somehow I still get all the ramifications of everything though [crying mostly] god I hate crying.
Maybe Ill get my tear ducts removed.
I dont even know why the hell Im typing this all out. Theres no one up for me to talk to, if there.. really ever is someone to talk to [and Im not being mean to anyone I just... feel completely alone] Recently the only person I have to talk to is Alex, and most of the time he's already upset or his parents are sucking, plus I have nothing to talk about, cause ultimately I just, well, suck. Whatever, Im off in my own little world most of the time, so dont worry about it.
Only thing keeping me from running away right now is knowing that in a week Ill be on the beach getting horribly burned and dancing with monkeys. .. ohhhh monkeys
I feel like I could ramble for hours so Ill just shut up
spinning in gray spinning in gray
- A very lost Li
I swear to god if we have diving practice tomorroe and I have to listen to denise talk, shes going in the pool. Maybe Ill have her straddle the lane lines. She has faith and is helping everyone except me, even the fucking girl whos scared to do anything other than dive. Aly was 'doing doubles' today, which she could def do but is scared to so would never do it, and denise [along with everyone else] is like cheering her on and helping the whole way. And then there's me, slightly less skilled but much more ballsy, and I keep trying it, coming up a little short, not being able to open up or I land funny and hurt myself. But does anyone help? no, I dont think anyone was even watching me at all, I shared the enthusiasm I had for doing it the first time all on my own underwater in my emense pain of throwing my back out when I hit the water at macc 4. Only when I really fucked up and SLAMMED myself flat out on my back on the water did anyone finally notice I was even alive.
My back is still red
fuck diving
This week is the slowest week Ive ever lived through
last weekend was really fucked up...
Looking out my window and there's dirty snow all over the ground, puddles of mud and bare gray trees soaked with the slowly dripping freezing cold rain thats oozing out of the sky. Most depressing sight.
I swear to god Im not even living anymore. Just going through the designated motions of how liana the human girl is suposed to act. Everythings just a moving haze of color and faces. I cant tell reality from my dreams, daydreams, thoughts. I keep missing the right train at the train station and all I can do is sit around and eat expired hotdogs. Somehow I still get all the ramifications of everything though [crying mostly] god I hate crying.
Maybe Ill get my tear ducts removed.
I dont even know why the hell Im typing this all out. Theres no one up for me to talk to, if there.. really ever is someone to talk to [and Im not being mean to anyone I just... feel completely alone] Recently the only person I have to talk to is Alex, and most of the time he's already upset or his parents are sucking, plus I have nothing to talk about, cause ultimately I just, well, suck. Whatever, Im off in my own little world most of the time, so dont worry about it.
Only thing keeping me from running away right now is knowing that in a week Ill be on the beach getting horribly burned and dancing with monkeys. .. ohhhh monkeys
I feel like I could ramble for hours so Ill just shut up
spinning in gray spinning in gray
- A very lost Li