A long story, and a dream...
It's been quite a long time since I last ventured here.. I've missed much of what's going on with those I still consider friends, and there's no good excuse for being so out of touch.
Please know that many of you are still in my thoughts, and I do wish for there to be happy days for you in the future. Sometimes where we are isn't where we want to be, but usually it's where we need to be.
The following is a long story, split into different parts.. I hope that some of you will take the time to read part of it, as it's been an amazing year, and I feel as though it's impossible for such a transformation in a single year...
I'll begin with my [personal journey..]
This year started off in a dark place.. Lingering negativity from last year was hanging heavily in my mind.. Realizations about my long relationship were revealing themselves. I realized there are some things, different for each person, that cannot be compromised on.. Part of the unhappiness and resentful feelings definitely stemmed from these personal beliefs that I had compromised on. Another realization that did not hit me right away was that it's very hard to have a happy life with someone else if you're not happy with yourself. This last one, I believe, was one of the biggest factors. It amplified resentment and also nurtured dependency. One shouldn't have to rely on someone else for personal happiness.
The largest (in more way than one) issue, that I felt I could work on first in my quest for self worth, was my weight. Weight is something we usually (pending medical reasons) have control over. I made a point to work on a healthier diet.. For most of this year I worked on making lunches for work, as well as splitting my lunch into a couple smaller meals (which worked well for the delivery position I held).. My weight loss began. I have made mistakes along the way, drinking alcohol or eating more than I should, but overall I've felt better. Currently I'm sitting at an overall loss of 65 pounds, and I can scarcely believe how far I've come. It was no "diet", just a conscious decision to reduce unhealthy foods without denying myself of anything in particular. I will say it helped having a job where I walked around a bit, but that can easily be covered going on short neighborhood or park walks by most people.
Weight may not be everyone's issue, obviously, but for me it was something that's bothered me since I was little. I just never committed to it as thoroughly as I have this year. As I lost the weight, I definitely found myself feeling better, and I came to realize it's much easier to get yourself out of a dark place once you begin the small steps toward positive changes.. It's not a fast road, but every little step builds up to quite a fantastic journey.
In late Spring I took some of the growing confidence and decided I needed to change my career path. I started looking at WCTC for classes, and in late summer I signed up for 3 classes (a light first semester to get into good habits) that, with my previous credits, will result in a Customer Service Assistant certification. '
As school began, I found myself enjoying the refresher courses for Keyboarding and Microsoft Office (granted a little redundant at times, lol), but absolutely loving my Customer Service Management. I believe that, due to my insecurities, I'd overlooked any idea of being a management figure as well as advancing a career in Customer Service.
Now, I find myself considering enrollment into Business Management for the Spring, and I'm thoroughly excited. I'm truly looking forward to finding out what the future holds for me, as well who I am becoming.
[Progress through my job..]
A portion of my journey this year was helped along through my position at the dry cleaners.. The people I worked with were decent folks, but it also gave me insight into common issues at a small, family owned business. I've gotten better at letting poor attitudes slide past me, not letting them infect me with negativity. I was blessed with a handful of fantastic customers that I encountered on my two different driving routes, and I've made connections that I hope will flourish, in time.
One problem arose, as I was beginning to look into school: how do I fit classes into this work schedule? I tried my best to schedule the 3 classes to only take up 2 days a week, Mondays and Wednesdays (which were already a day off), so they only affected one work day a week. Sadly, that still meant the owner would have to cover, but he needed to be around the cleaners' plant to keep an eye on things and so he was connected with any issues that arose. I needed to find a new job.
I was still needed around the cleaners, and I worked through Labor Day week.. Part of me was worried that I would have a similar job search experience to what I've had in the past.. Weeks or months passing before getting a new position.. Fortune smiled on me, one weekend. The sunday after my last day on the driving routes, I went golfing with my now ex-fiancee.. Afterwards we planned to get something to eat, and then watch an anime I wanted to introduce him to (Polar Bear Cafe). We drove around downtown Delafield, since someone had told me about a restaurant down there. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as it turned out) the restaurant was more of a sit-down, and we wanted to take food back to eat while watching Polar Bear Cafe..
Two buildings over, Max saw a pizza place called Bennoli's, and it just so happened they had a Help Wanted sign up. Naturally, we went inside to check it out, and it smelled very nice, inside. The interior was simply decorated yet comfortable and elegant.. The people working seemed happy. It was well-kept and clean. Something else caught my eye, as well: a pizza with bratwurst on it. The whole menu was well thought out and carried a variety of delicious combinations. We (Max's preference of course) decided to go for the Meat Eater's pizza, but with the red onions only on my half (yes, meat eater with red onion). I tried both types of slices, and definitely preferred it with the onion. The owner had obviously carefully considered the toppings for his pizzas for maximum flavor impact (not overly seasoned, but just right).
Suffice to say, I was impressed. I filled out the application and dropped it off that Tuesday, and the next day I was brought in for an interview. It went rather well, and I could tell that the owner shared some of my own beliefs when it came to quality service. Last week, Tuesday, I started my new job as a delivery driver. Not only will I have direct feedback from customers at the delivery end, but the feedback of tip quality will also directly reward me for my efforts. I've never been so excited to start working at a job, and I continue to love it (granted it's just been 1 week, lol).
I can honestly say that I feel very fortunate.. Especially during a time where it can be very, very hard to find a job. I can only hope that some of you have found a career path that you're passionate about, as well. If not, please don't ever give up hope.
[The family land issue...]
During this entire year of self-discovery and improvement, there's been underlying stress in the household out here.. It concerns land that my grandparents, on my mom's side, have passed along to my mom and my uncle, as well as their kids (myself, my brother, my sister, and my cousins). It's set up as an LLC and usually costs of various work being done is split between my uncle and my parents.
Now, to understand, I'll give a brief outline of family history, as far as I know. Part of the issues today, I believe, stem from the fact that my mom is a woman, and my uncle was raised a little old-fashioned so he may not see her as an equal so much as his little sister. He's always been pretty active with helping around the land when they were growing up. My mother didn't have these kinds of expectations put on her, though.. Their oldest brother died in an accident, and my uncle later followed my grandfather's footsteps into Law practice. He eventually moved away and practiced Patent Law out near Washington DC, and was usually traveling around the world for his work. I believe that part of what's happening is influenced by a sort of "guilt" from being so detached from the farmland. Granted my grandparents rented out the fields to nearby farmers, but my uncle still wasn't around much to feel included in what was going on. During summers, they would visit with my cousins and be around for quite awhile, so there was some interaction/ involvement.. But my aunt and uncle also weren't seeing our side of things. Us kids were raised on this land.. My parents helped out around the land quite a lot, and even us kids helped where we could.
In recent years, since they've moved back out to Wisconsin, and have been living nearby.. My uncle has been working on various things around the farm, but sometimes (maybe more) he goes ahead and does things without consulting my parents about it. Aside from this being a little inconsiderate, my uncle has quite a lot more money than we do, so it would be nice to have my parents consulted about things that might cost a bit to do (as costs and land taxes are shared). It bothers my dad, to no end, and he usually ends up writing emails without fully reviewing them.. And probably ends up looking rather foolish for getting so emotional/upset sometimes. Granted, his concerns and worries are valid, but it's hurting the image that my aunt and uncle already have about him, which isn't too positive already. There are two different types of people at play here, with different backgrounds, and neither my dad or my uncle probably want to bother to get to know the other's position better.
Needless to say, it's bothering me a lot more, as I've been growing lately... I don't want a division between our sides of the family, and I would like to be active in the current desire to split the land. I'm tired of just sitting by as an "outsider". This is my family, and I need to invest in the people that I care about.
I'll be reading over documents relating to the past proposals, land assessments, etc. today and the rest of this week (or longer).. I'm working on discussing things with my brother and sister. I will also be trying to reconnect with cousins who live nearby, as there's no good reason to be distanced from them, aside from possible age gap differences. I want to get to know my aunt and uncle who lived so far away for so long.. Now that I'm an adult and I feel like I have a direction to journey onward in, I want to make up for lost time and also show that I'm not just a child, anymore. I'm growing and I want our family to grow for the better.
[The dream last night...]
I can't recount this whole dream... But what I do remember is that this was toward the end. Myself and my parents (possibly more relatives, but the other people did not stand out as anyone specific) were walking out into a clearing in a forest.. A large opening, perhaps a small field.. There was a bird hopping around on the ground ahead, and I believe it was a cockatiel of some sort. It appeared to be slightly green with yellow crest and markings. As we got closer, the bird flew up and landed on my left arm and sat there for a short while before hopping off to go somewhere else. To the right was what seemed to be the end of the field, finishing at a cliff. Next to the cliff seemed to be a little hut/ house, and (if I recall correctly) it was at the beginning of a walkway of sorts. I walked toward the edge of the field, to the left of the hut, planning to plant some seeds. While I was trying to find the right spot to plant them, I came upon a tree. I had no idea what kind of tree it was, but it was old and beautiful in it's stout, winding design. The tree stood about shoulder height to me, and at the tips of the stubby branches (almost as if branches had been lost), deep green leaves were beginning to grow, as though each stub were a new "hand" with leafy fingers....
This is where the dream ended, as far as I recall.. But, I was intrigued. What was this tree that stood out so vividly in my memory. It had practically had me mesmerized with it's ancient beauty when I had looked at it in my dream. Still now, I vividly remember the scene I described. I had to know what kind of tree it was.
After some searching, I narrowed it down to either an Olive tree or a type of Fig tree (like the Bodhi tree of Buddhism), both of which are trees that have a long and significant history in the world. I've determined that it was most likely an Olive tree, either Greek Kalamata or the American Mission variety. I honestly can say that I have no recollection of ever seeing a tree like the one I saw in my dream, and it has really put me into a mindset of great reflection.
I can look at this in different ways.. As a sign that I'm looking for my own roots (as I looked for a place to plant seeds).. As a sign that I should continue in my desire to help provide peace within our family. The tree may symbolize our family "tree" and how it's deteriorated over the years.. The new leaves standing for the new generation, my nephews and nieces, as well as my cousins' children. I can't help but feel that it's a message (from whomever you choose to believe) that I'm needed for helping cultivate this precious, old, wonderful tree. Its roots are strong, and it's been through a lot.. But there's so much more life yet to live, and fruit to bear.
The time of neglect is over. New life is in our future.
Take what you will from this.. I felt it was necessary to write this out, though.
I had to write this for myself..
My family..
And our future.
Thank you, and my love goes out to you all.
Please know that many of you are still in my thoughts, and I do wish for there to be happy days for you in the future. Sometimes where we are isn't where we want to be, but usually it's where we need to be.
The following is a long story, split into different parts.. I hope that some of you will take the time to read part of it, as it's been an amazing year, and I feel as though it's impossible for such a transformation in a single year...
I'll begin with my [personal journey..]
This year started off in a dark place.. Lingering negativity from last year was hanging heavily in my mind.. Realizations about my long relationship were revealing themselves. I realized there are some things, different for each person, that cannot be compromised on.. Part of the unhappiness and resentful feelings definitely stemmed from these personal beliefs that I had compromised on. Another realization that did not hit me right away was that it's very hard to have a happy life with someone else if you're not happy with yourself. This last one, I believe, was one of the biggest factors. It amplified resentment and also nurtured dependency. One shouldn't have to rely on someone else for personal happiness.
The largest (in more way than one) issue, that I felt I could work on first in my quest for self worth, was my weight. Weight is something we usually (pending medical reasons) have control over. I made a point to work on a healthier diet.. For most of this year I worked on making lunches for work, as well as splitting my lunch into a couple smaller meals (which worked well for the delivery position I held).. My weight loss began. I have made mistakes along the way, drinking alcohol or eating more than I should, but overall I've felt better. Currently I'm sitting at an overall loss of 65 pounds, and I can scarcely believe how far I've come. It was no "diet", just a conscious decision to reduce unhealthy foods without denying myself of anything in particular. I will say it helped having a job where I walked around a bit, but that can easily be covered going on short neighborhood or park walks by most people.
Weight may not be everyone's issue, obviously, but for me it was something that's bothered me since I was little. I just never committed to it as thoroughly as I have this year. As I lost the weight, I definitely found myself feeling better, and I came to realize it's much easier to get yourself out of a dark place once you begin the small steps toward positive changes.. It's not a fast road, but every little step builds up to quite a fantastic journey.
In late Spring I took some of the growing confidence and decided I needed to change my career path. I started looking at WCTC for classes, and in late summer I signed up for 3 classes (a light first semester to get into good habits) that, with my previous credits, will result in a Customer Service Assistant certification. '
As school began, I found myself enjoying the refresher courses for Keyboarding and Microsoft Office (granted a little redundant at times, lol), but absolutely loving my Customer Service Management. I believe that, due to my insecurities, I'd overlooked any idea of being a management figure as well as advancing a career in Customer Service.
Now, I find myself considering enrollment into Business Management for the Spring, and I'm thoroughly excited. I'm truly looking forward to finding out what the future holds for me, as well who I am becoming.
[Progress through my job..]
A portion of my journey this year was helped along through my position at the dry cleaners.. The people I worked with were decent folks, but it also gave me insight into common issues at a small, family owned business. I've gotten better at letting poor attitudes slide past me, not letting them infect me with negativity. I was blessed with a handful of fantastic customers that I encountered on my two different driving routes, and I've made connections that I hope will flourish, in time.
One problem arose, as I was beginning to look into school: how do I fit classes into this work schedule? I tried my best to schedule the 3 classes to only take up 2 days a week, Mondays and Wednesdays (which were already a day off), so they only affected one work day a week. Sadly, that still meant the owner would have to cover, but he needed to be around the cleaners' plant to keep an eye on things and so he was connected with any issues that arose. I needed to find a new job.
I was still needed around the cleaners, and I worked through Labor Day week.. Part of me was worried that I would have a similar job search experience to what I've had in the past.. Weeks or months passing before getting a new position.. Fortune smiled on me, one weekend. The sunday after my last day on the driving routes, I went golfing with my now ex-fiancee.. Afterwards we planned to get something to eat, and then watch an anime I wanted to introduce him to (Polar Bear Cafe). We drove around downtown Delafield, since someone had told me about a restaurant down there. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as it turned out) the restaurant was more of a sit-down, and we wanted to take food back to eat while watching Polar Bear Cafe..
Two buildings over, Max saw a pizza place called Bennoli's, and it just so happened they had a Help Wanted sign up. Naturally, we went inside to check it out, and it smelled very nice, inside. The interior was simply decorated yet comfortable and elegant.. The people working seemed happy. It was well-kept and clean. Something else caught my eye, as well: a pizza with bratwurst on it. The whole menu was well thought out and carried a variety of delicious combinations. We (Max's preference of course) decided to go for the Meat Eater's pizza, but with the red onions only on my half (yes, meat eater with red onion). I tried both types of slices, and definitely preferred it with the onion. The owner had obviously carefully considered the toppings for his pizzas for maximum flavor impact (not overly seasoned, but just right).
Suffice to say, I was impressed. I filled out the application and dropped it off that Tuesday, and the next day I was brought in for an interview. It went rather well, and I could tell that the owner shared some of my own beliefs when it came to quality service. Last week, Tuesday, I started my new job as a delivery driver. Not only will I have direct feedback from customers at the delivery end, but the feedback of tip quality will also directly reward me for my efforts. I've never been so excited to start working at a job, and I continue to love it (granted it's just been 1 week, lol).
I can honestly say that I feel very fortunate.. Especially during a time where it can be very, very hard to find a job. I can only hope that some of you have found a career path that you're passionate about, as well. If not, please don't ever give up hope.
[The family land issue...]
During this entire year of self-discovery and improvement, there's been underlying stress in the household out here.. It concerns land that my grandparents, on my mom's side, have passed along to my mom and my uncle, as well as their kids (myself, my brother, my sister, and my cousins). It's set up as an LLC and usually costs of various work being done is split between my uncle and my parents.
Now, to understand, I'll give a brief outline of family history, as far as I know. Part of the issues today, I believe, stem from the fact that my mom is a woman, and my uncle was raised a little old-fashioned so he may not see her as an equal so much as his little sister. He's always been pretty active with helping around the land when they were growing up. My mother didn't have these kinds of expectations put on her, though.. Their oldest brother died in an accident, and my uncle later followed my grandfather's footsteps into Law practice. He eventually moved away and practiced Patent Law out near Washington DC, and was usually traveling around the world for his work. I believe that part of what's happening is influenced by a sort of "guilt" from being so detached from the farmland. Granted my grandparents rented out the fields to nearby farmers, but my uncle still wasn't around much to feel included in what was going on. During summers, they would visit with my cousins and be around for quite awhile, so there was some interaction/ involvement.. But my aunt and uncle also weren't seeing our side of things. Us kids were raised on this land.. My parents helped out around the land quite a lot, and even us kids helped where we could.
In recent years, since they've moved back out to Wisconsin, and have been living nearby.. My uncle has been working on various things around the farm, but sometimes (maybe more) he goes ahead and does things without consulting my parents about it. Aside from this being a little inconsiderate, my uncle has quite a lot more money than we do, so it would be nice to have my parents consulted about things that might cost a bit to do (as costs and land taxes are shared). It bothers my dad, to no end, and he usually ends up writing emails without fully reviewing them.. And probably ends up looking rather foolish for getting so emotional/upset sometimes. Granted, his concerns and worries are valid, but it's hurting the image that my aunt and uncle already have about him, which isn't too positive already. There are two different types of people at play here, with different backgrounds, and neither my dad or my uncle probably want to bother to get to know the other's position better.
Needless to say, it's bothering me a lot more, as I've been growing lately... I don't want a division between our sides of the family, and I would like to be active in the current desire to split the land. I'm tired of just sitting by as an "outsider". This is my family, and I need to invest in the people that I care about.
I'll be reading over documents relating to the past proposals, land assessments, etc. today and the rest of this week (or longer).. I'm working on discussing things with my brother and sister. I will also be trying to reconnect with cousins who live nearby, as there's no good reason to be distanced from them, aside from possible age gap differences. I want to get to know my aunt and uncle who lived so far away for so long.. Now that I'm an adult and I feel like I have a direction to journey onward in, I want to make up for lost time and also show that I'm not just a child, anymore. I'm growing and I want our family to grow for the better.
[The dream last night...]
I can't recount this whole dream... But what I do remember is that this was toward the end. Myself and my parents (possibly more relatives, but the other people did not stand out as anyone specific) were walking out into a clearing in a forest.. A large opening, perhaps a small field.. There was a bird hopping around on the ground ahead, and I believe it was a cockatiel of some sort. It appeared to be slightly green with yellow crest and markings. As we got closer, the bird flew up and landed on my left arm and sat there for a short while before hopping off to go somewhere else. To the right was what seemed to be the end of the field, finishing at a cliff. Next to the cliff seemed to be a little hut/ house, and (if I recall correctly) it was at the beginning of a walkway of sorts. I walked toward the edge of the field, to the left of the hut, planning to plant some seeds. While I was trying to find the right spot to plant them, I came upon a tree. I had no idea what kind of tree it was, but it was old and beautiful in it's stout, winding design. The tree stood about shoulder height to me, and at the tips of the stubby branches (almost as if branches had been lost), deep green leaves were beginning to grow, as though each stub were a new "hand" with leafy fingers....
This is where the dream ended, as far as I recall.. But, I was intrigued. What was this tree that stood out so vividly in my memory. It had practically had me mesmerized with it's ancient beauty when I had looked at it in my dream. Still now, I vividly remember the scene I described. I had to know what kind of tree it was.
After some searching, I narrowed it down to either an Olive tree or a type of Fig tree (like the Bodhi tree of Buddhism), both of which are trees that have a long and significant history in the world. I've determined that it was most likely an Olive tree, either Greek Kalamata or the American Mission variety. I honestly can say that I have no recollection of ever seeing a tree like the one I saw in my dream, and it has really put me into a mindset of great reflection.
I can look at this in different ways.. As a sign that I'm looking for my own roots (as I looked for a place to plant seeds).. As a sign that I should continue in my desire to help provide peace within our family. The tree may symbolize our family "tree" and how it's deteriorated over the years.. The new leaves standing for the new generation, my nephews and nieces, as well as my cousins' children. I can't help but feel that it's a message (from whomever you choose to believe) that I'm needed for helping cultivate this precious, old, wonderful tree. Its roots are strong, and it's been through a lot.. But there's so much more life yet to live, and fruit to bear.
The time of neglect is over. New life is in our future.
Take what you will from this.. I felt it was necessary to write this out, though.
I had to write this for myself..
My family..
And our future.
Thank you, and my love goes out to you all.