My birthday, a year in review...
I had a good birthday weekend. I worked the whole time, but I accomplished all that I wanted to do this year: go to Disneyland for my birthday. I know that doesn't sound like much since I work there...but I did it...and it meant something to me. I wish I had pictures to show for it, but I don't. I'll have to settle with somewhat detailed descriptions. So basically, Marne, John, Ashley and I went to Club 33 for my birthday. This is something Marne surprised me with like two months ago, so that was really cool. I just wanted to go to Disneyland for fun, but she told me two months ago that we were going to dinner and that I could invite one other person besides her and John. It took me some time and effort, but I finally found Ashley Bauer and invited her, since she's becoming one of my closer friends out here in the OC and, well, I wanted all parts of me represented, you know? The dinner was amazing, none the less, and watching Fantasmic from that balcony was oh so sweet. Sure there was a tree in the way, but hey, I am SO not complaining. After dinner, we went on Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters. I came out as a Lvl. 3, again, but next time I'm going to kick the crap out of that ride. Teehee. And after that, we pretty much went home, and went to bed.
The transition from the age of 21 to 22 has been so grueling, emotionally and mentally. I have been through a lot in one year, enough to make me feel so much more mature than I was a little over a year ago. I feel that in this past year I've started living...like, really living, finally. I've loved and lost, more than I wish, I've relearned how to cry, I've laughed, I've made others laughed, and most importantly, I've found my smile once more. Let me tell you, I haven't really smiled in such a long time. Let me back the thought train up a bit.
My 21st birthday was so much fun. I was surrounded by family and friends, I was in love and had the greatest boyfriend anyone could ever have, and I was feeling on top of the world. Work was great, school was great...everything was just going so well, and it seemed like it would last...but nothing does, does it? I spiraled into inward depression after I lost my true love in confusion and chaos. Honestly, I've been like that ever since. I've hid it for the most part, hell, I even dated someone else for a while, but it wasn't enough. I was still sick inside. I never got better. There was something wrong inside of me, and it went deeper than the ex-boyfriend issue, for sure. I wasn't out to my parents. It was something that started to tear me up inside. So I told them, and that was so hard...my mom didn't want to accept it at first. Even now, she never says anything about it, but neither do I, because I'm not serious about anyone, and no one is serious about me, so there's no need to say "Oh I'm not dating anyone" or anything like that. It's redundant. But that trial really put me on the path to where I am today. I think somewhere in that turmoil I found strength and courage to be me.
So the months rolled by. Things gradually got better and better. I was getting to do more and more at work, I got straight A's in school, I was even starting to feel a little better emotionally...but not completely. It still hurt inside. Christmas came and went, I became closer to my family, after a huge argument about my responsibility, and my mom's belief in my lack thereof. I really stood up for myself that night...I was tired of everyone thinking I was the failure. I was the failed child because I left home and never came back. God, I just left Acton, for goodness sakes. I had to leave there, or I never would have amounted to anything. I did not belong in that town. I never did.
Where was I? Oh yes, closer to my family. Good thing. And then I stumbled upon my career...well, I realized that I had stumbled upon it, I mean. Disney. Disney is where my career is firmly founded. I realized that I can't graduate with a degree in music, and then go straight into composition and expect those compositions to sell. No, I need a job, a career, something I love doing, so I can write on the side once I graduate. And then, voila! I'm working in the area I love, entertainment. To be honest, I never saw myself as having a career in entertainment, but here it is...it fell into my lap. So I'm already doing ten bazillion things at Disney...all the performance stuffs I could possibly do. So eventually, I will be climbing my way up the entertainment ladder to Trainer, Lead, Manager, etc. etc. until I've reached the top. That is my decision, that is my goal, that is my new dream and ambition. I'm going to put as much hard work and dedication into it as needed, and I am so excited for that.
What else? Oh yeah, I've started to heal just a little more emotionally. It's taken me so long...I'm still not over it...and honestly I don't think I ever will be. I quote "Little Black Book" and say, "With a clean break, it's easy, because you can reset it, and it heals. But if things are left messy or not put back the way they should be, then it just hurts...forever." And it does. When things just don't make sense, no matter how many ways you look at it, no matter how many different perspectives you take or how many times you analyze it from how many different angles...it just hurts, and that's the only conclusion you can draw.
So that brings me to my 22nd birthday...I've got the coolest job, made some new friends at school, brought some friends closer, and am working on healing my heart as much as I can. What's my birthday wish? Well...that's a secret. But I can tell you this. I wished for something that is beautiful and simple and amazingly poetic...all in one little word ... hope.
The transition from the age of 21 to 22 has been so grueling, emotionally and mentally. I have been through a lot in one year, enough to make me feel so much more mature than I was a little over a year ago. I feel that in this past year I've started living...like, really living, finally. I've loved and lost, more than I wish, I've relearned how to cry, I've laughed, I've made others laughed, and most importantly, I've found my smile once more. Let me tell you, I haven't really smiled in such a long time. Let me back the thought train up a bit.
My 21st birthday was so much fun. I was surrounded by family and friends, I was in love and had the greatest boyfriend anyone could ever have, and I was feeling on top of the world. Work was great, school was great...everything was just going so well, and it seemed like it would last...but nothing does, does it? I spiraled into inward depression after I lost my true love in confusion and chaos. Honestly, I've been like that ever since. I've hid it for the most part, hell, I even dated someone else for a while, but it wasn't enough. I was still sick inside. I never got better. There was something wrong inside of me, and it went deeper than the ex-boyfriend issue, for sure. I wasn't out to my parents. It was something that started to tear me up inside. So I told them, and that was so hard...my mom didn't want to accept it at first. Even now, she never says anything about it, but neither do I, because I'm not serious about anyone, and no one is serious about me, so there's no need to say "Oh I'm not dating anyone" or anything like that. It's redundant. But that trial really put me on the path to where I am today. I think somewhere in that turmoil I found strength and courage to be me.
So the months rolled by. Things gradually got better and better. I was getting to do more and more at work, I got straight A's in school, I was even starting to feel a little better emotionally...but not completely. It still hurt inside. Christmas came and went, I became closer to my family, after a huge argument about my responsibility, and my mom's belief in my lack thereof. I really stood up for myself that night...I was tired of everyone thinking I was the failure. I was the failed child because I left home and never came back. God, I just left Acton, for goodness sakes. I had to leave there, or I never would have amounted to anything. I did not belong in that town. I never did.
Where was I? Oh yes, closer to my family. Good thing. And then I stumbled upon my career...well, I realized that I had stumbled upon it, I mean. Disney. Disney is where my career is firmly founded. I realized that I can't graduate with a degree in music, and then go straight into composition and expect those compositions to sell. No, I need a job, a career, something I love doing, so I can write on the side once I graduate. And then, voila! I'm working in the area I love, entertainment. To be honest, I never saw myself as having a career in entertainment, but here it is...it fell into my lap. So I'm already doing ten bazillion things at Disney...all the performance stuffs I could possibly do. So eventually, I will be climbing my way up the entertainment ladder to Trainer, Lead, Manager, etc. etc. until I've reached the top. That is my decision, that is my goal, that is my new dream and ambition. I'm going to put as much hard work and dedication into it as needed, and I am so excited for that.
What else? Oh yeah, I've started to heal just a little more emotionally. It's taken me so long...I'm still not over it...and honestly I don't think I ever will be. I quote "Little Black Book" and say, "With a clean break, it's easy, because you can reset it, and it heals. But if things are left messy or not put back the way they should be, then it just hurts...forever." And it does. When things just don't make sense, no matter how many ways you look at it, no matter how many different perspectives you take or how many times you analyze it from how many different angles...it just hurts, and that's the only conclusion you can draw.
So that brings me to my 22nd birthday...I've got the coolest job, made some new friends at school, brought some friends closer, and am working on healing my heart as much as I can. What's my birthday wish? Well...that's a secret. But I can tell you this. I wished for something that is beautiful and simple and amazingly poetic...all in one little word ... hope.