Square one...
It's like I want to say that I hate men but at the same time, I don't really mean it. I guess I'm just confused with the mind games and the lies. I don't understand why someone would just push aside something that was once really special...or why another would have anger for something that just didn't work out, and start placing assumptions where there is really no substance. I'm tired of being where I am. There really is no joy in the world for me right now. I'm not happy. I'm doing okay...but I'm not happy. I'm feeling burned out. I can barely animate on stage at work. I don't feel like going to class. I don't feel like cleaning my room. I don't feel anything because I'm too busy feeling one emotion. It's always on my mind. It's like some kind of drug and I want it to just go away but it won't. I'm tired of being depressed and feeling the hurt constantly stinging my being. I'm tired of crying in my bed almost every night because of the way things turned out. I'm tired of me. I just want to rip this skin off and get a new one. I want to start entirely over...just uproot myself and maybe move far away. Just wipe everything clean...but that's not possible. Unfortunately I have too many good things here, even if I can't feel it right now. Marne, Susan, Kathy, Jeff, Disney...they're all good things. So why can't I feel that?
I feel like a little lost boy again. Like I'm wandering aimlessly through some desert searching for an oasis. I need to feel renewed. I need to feel happy. This hopelessness, this torment, is eating me up inside slowly. It's tearing at my soul and chewing on my humanity. I don't feel human anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of everything.
I sometimes wish I could just snap my fingers and transform. Tall, dark, handsome...the kind of guy people see and just immediately fall in love with. Big, beautiful smile, sparkling eyes...but then what would I do with it? I'd probably crush them, because that's what I feel. I feel this anger deep below the surface. This horrible feeling that I could just torment someone else because I've been suffering. That I would want to make someone else's life a living hell just so I could feel something else for a moment other than my own pain. To seduce someone to the point of insanity and then leave them stranded with no number. Or to play a couple of them just so I can feel like I'm getting away with something bad. Or maybe just tell somebody I will always be with them just so I can leave them later...just for fun.
And that feeling scares me. I honestly feel frightened by the fact that I can even think of doing something like that...that I could even conceive it. I would never want to hurt anyone. Honestly, I would never want anyone to feel as bad as I'm feeling. Like everything that put me where I am is my fault, and that there is nothing I can do about it now...only a billion things I could have done about it then to change the way things are now. Regrets...so many regrets. Things I could have said or things I could have fought for. People I could have saved from being hurt had I just been using my head instead of my heart. Pain I probably could have spared myself. But now it's too late...and I'm stuck with my life being in the state that it is. And I'm just not happy with it. Not happy at all.
Somebody please! Somebody please rescue me from this place. Come charging in on the noble steed and just take me away from it. I can't do it anymore. I can't stand myself. I can't stand anything I do. I can't stand the things I can't do. I'm just so tired of it all. Somebody please just rescue me. Please. God, if you're listening...help me.
I feel like a little lost boy again. Like I'm wandering aimlessly through some desert searching for an oasis. I need to feel renewed. I need to feel happy. This hopelessness, this torment, is eating me up inside slowly. It's tearing at my soul and chewing on my humanity. I don't feel human anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of everything.
I sometimes wish I could just snap my fingers and transform. Tall, dark, handsome...the kind of guy people see and just immediately fall in love with. Big, beautiful smile, sparkling eyes...but then what would I do with it? I'd probably crush them, because that's what I feel. I feel this anger deep below the surface. This horrible feeling that I could just torment someone else because I've been suffering. That I would want to make someone else's life a living hell just so I could feel something else for a moment other than my own pain. To seduce someone to the point of insanity and then leave them stranded with no number. Or to play a couple of them just so I can feel like I'm getting away with something bad. Or maybe just tell somebody I will always be with them just so I can leave them later...just for fun.
And that feeling scares me. I honestly feel frightened by the fact that I can even think of doing something like that...that I could even conceive it. I would never want to hurt anyone. Honestly, I would never want anyone to feel as bad as I'm feeling. Like everything that put me where I am is my fault, and that there is nothing I can do about it now...only a billion things I could have done about it then to change the way things are now. Regrets...so many regrets. Things I could have said or things I could have fought for. People I could have saved from being hurt had I just been using my head instead of my heart. Pain I probably could have spared myself. But now it's too late...and I'm stuck with my life being in the state that it is. And I'm just not happy with it. Not happy at all.
Somebody please! Somebody please rescue me from this place. Come charging in on the noble steed and just take me away from it. I can't do it anymore. I can't stand myself. I can't stand anything I do. I can't stand the things I can't do. I'm just so tired of it all. Somebody please just rescue me. Please. God, if you're listening...help me.