Paul
I cried over you today. Why. I don't even know why. I was going through my email because I was so determined to delete everything that had to do with you. I, of course, had to read the emails that you wrote me, conversations we had, and emails that I wrote to you before I deleted them. Half of them I printed out so I would still have. After doing that, I got off the computer, came in my room, sat on my bed, and read every word of them at least twice. I cried. I cried so hard. I don't know if it is because I miss what we had, or just because I'm so sorry I hurt you that much. I didn't realize how hard it was for you to go through all that shit for me. If I knew it was that hard, I would of somehow stopped myself from falling in love with you 5 years ago. Although, that would have been a near impossible task. God, I'm so sorry. After reading all of that, its completely my fault that we are no longer friends. Well, I don't know what we are. We're just not us, in any way at all. I'm sorry. I don't even know what else to say. I feel like such a shit right now.
Everyone is having a bad day today. What is it, like national Fuck Off Day? I wish I could just somehow make everything okay for everyone. And I wish that I could somehow make everything okay with people that I was once so close with. Especially Paul. God, what happened? Arg, what didn't happen... I just don't know how to make things okay again. I don't know how to be your friend. I just don't know what it takes, ya know? This is hard. I told myself over and over again that I wouldn't think about you anymore, that it was all your fault we aren't talking. How stupid am I? I guess I just like to believe that you had everything to do with us not being together, and that I had nothing to do with it. God knows that most of it was my fault, I just failed to realize that for a really long time.
Why can't things just be easy for once! Why can't I just call you up and have a normal conversation with you... a conversation that friends would have? Why do I have to make things so much harder than they really are? Why can't I have my best friend back? And why the FUCK did I have to lose the past 5 years? I miss you Paul, and not just romantically, but in every way possible. I miss having someone to talk to, who really knows me, ya know? Who tries to understand what I am feeling. You are one of two people who could know what I was thinking before the words came out of my mouth. Things are just so screwed up now. And I fear that things will just never be okay. Please tell me that isn't true. Tell me that when I get up enough courage to call you tonight that you will talk to me like we never changed, like we are still best friends.
Maybe I just expect too much from you?
I'm sorry.
I just miss you.
Blah.
Six days, guys. Six days. I can't wait. I need it so much.
Everyone is having a bad day today. What is it, like national Fuck Off Day? I wish I could just somehow make everything okay for everyone. And I wish that I could somehow make everything okay with people that I was once so close with. Especially Paul. God, what happened? Arg, what didn't happen... I just don't know how to make things okay again. I don't know how to be your friend. I just don't know what it takes, ya know? This is hard. I told myself over and over again that I wouldn't think about you anymore, that it was all your fault we aren't talking. How stupid am I? I guess I just like to believe that you had everything to do with us not being together, and that I had nothing to do with it. God knows that most of it was my fault, I just failed to realize that for a really long time.
Why can't things just be easy for once! Why can't I just call you up and have a normal conversation with you... a conversation that friends would have? Why do I have to make things so much harder than they really are? Why can't I have my best friend back? And why the FUCK did I have to lose the past 5 years? I miss you Paul, and not just romantically, but in every way possible. I miss having someone to talk to, who really knows me, ya know? Who tries to understand what I am feeling. You are one of two people who could know what I was thinking before the words came out of my mouth. Things are just so screwed up now. And I fear that things will just never be okay. Please tell me that isn't true. Tell me that when I get up enough courage to call you tonight that you will talk to me like we never changed, like we are still best friends.
Maybe I just expect too much from you?
I'm sorry.
I just miss you.
Blah.
Six days, guys. Six days. I can't wait. I need it so much.