(no subject)
I ve been in kind of a funk lately. For the past ten years, I've been a fulltime caregiver for my bedridden mother and in the last year, my father as well. I've watched her health wax and wane, I've seen God move time and again to beat back her various sicknesses, and my father's triple bypass and random strokelike symptoms. all in all it's a miracle we're still togther as a family. I even had my bout with death, when I had a double pneumonia, and flesh eating bacteria in my lung lining. I should be greatful, instead I just feel burnt out. It seems the story of my last ten years has been one of failed dreams and decline. I've watched my finances collapse, time and again, watched the family home get snatched away--it leaves you cold. I haven't taken the time until recently to examine my soul and check out the damage done, and the parts that just aren't there anymore. I look back at the procession of dead versions of myself, each meeting it's own demise and a new me getting up and moving the banner a little farther down the field of battle before falling. I feel like I've wrestled titans my whole life just to stay in place, all while the ground around me is shrinking. Has it birthed strength? Weakness? I don't know, I just feel dirty, worn out and tired. I need the strength to pick up the flag again, raise the banner high, but my strength is lapsing. I've been praying for renewed strength, praying for a break, praying for the missing bits of me to be whole. Trying to find out who I am....Where I'm to go. And feeling the pull of my parents needs, starting to snap off. The morbid fear that if I don't live for me soon, build a future soon, bitterness will consume me. The worst part is, I've been in theis spot before. It seems my path circles back here, I take a diffrent route and end up back here, in disapointment. Things must change. I hope that once I head back to college it'll give me the momentum to break these chains...God willing. I've seen enough of this valley. I yearn for life's peaks.