”Sweetie, do you want to get Miss Kitty that pole we saw in the store the other day?” I turned and smiled at Willow, Miss Kitty playing with the hem of my jeans
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Xander left me alone in the hospital waiting room. He just left. He told me he had things to do, arrangements and stuff, but I know that was a lie. Xander is a very bad liar and I know that whatever he's doing he shouldn't be alone. If he went off on a revenge thing without me I will be very upset. If Warren is going to suffer than not only do I want to be there when it happens, but I want to help.
So hear I am, alone in the hospital, pacing for...God knows how long. Praying to whatever gods were listening, that Tara would be ok. There were no more tears, my heart was broken into a thousand pieces and I had no more tears. The grief was subsided only by rage. I was about ready to storm out of the place and look for Xander when a doctor came out and looked around the waiting room. I quickly ran up to him.
Taking a breath I spoke as calm as I could, though my words came out a bit fast. "Doctor...um, are you Tara McClay's doctor? Because I have been waiting and waiting and I want to know if she is ok and if she isn't ok then...then I don't know. But please tell me...is she ok?" My last few words game out weak, but I stayed strong.
"Well... He started, holding eye contact and speaking slowly. "...are you family?"
Family? What kind of question is that? Was he avoiding the subject? Is she not ok? Stupid doctor and his stupid vagueness and his stupid doctorly facial expressions. "I'm family, her...sister." He didn't seem convinced but I didn't care. So I said the next three words slow, and full of the 'if you don't tell me I shall kill you' tone of voice. "Is she ok?"
He sighed and nodded. "The bullet went through her shoulder from the back, and right back out. She was lucky, it didn't hit any organs, barely missed her lung. She had a considerable amount of blood loss. But all in all, she will be just fine."
My heartbeat stopped racing, a little at least, and I breathed a sigh of release. "Can...can I see her? Please, I uh..." I looked down at my hands that were still covered in their blood. "...I've had a very bad day." Understatement of the year, but it works.
Turning his head he motion for a nurse, she came over, and he turned his attention back to me. "Nurse Katie here will walk you to Tara's room. She may be awake by now. But would you happen to know how to contact the rest of her family?"
Gritting my teeth slightly I shook my head. "She has no family...uh I mean, there is no rest of the family. I'm all she has left. And she's...she's all I have left." My voice got a little choked up but I shook it off. There was Xander too, but Tara was...Tara was different. She really was a sister to me.
"Ok than. If you have any questions, or if Ms. McClay does, just ask for me and I will be happy to assist you. Take care." And with that he turned and left me with the nurse.
"Right this way." She said simply and started walking. She tried to spark up conversation with me but I didn't say anything and she gave up. My heart started racing as I got closer to the room, I have to tell her...I don't know if I can. My face must have been pale, my eyes red from crying for hours, but I tried to keep a calm look on my face.
As we got closer to the room it sounded like there was a commotion going on or something so I quickened my pace and when I walked through the door I saw her. Tara looked so pale, much worse than usual, and she was bandaged.
“D-Dawn?” She said quietly and I tried to brave a smile, didn't work though. The nurses left us and I stood there by the door. Afraid to get to close. Afraid of the words that were going to have to come out of my mouth...again. My hand lifted from my side only slightly and waved.
"Hey." My voice was quiet, I could barely even hear myself. But I was mad that that was all I could come up with. Clearing my throat I tried again. "You look..." Alive. "...good."
I shook my head at her. "You don't lie very well." I murmured and held my hand out for her, I needed to feel someone but I think she needed it more then I did. "Honey...Dawn...are you ok?"
I looked down and gasped slightly at her hands, they were covered in blood. Who's blood? Mine? Someone else's?
With painful movements I shifted in the bed and made room for her to sit. Everything inside of me hurt like fire but the look on her face put all my selfish worries aside. "Come here." I gently patted the bed next to me and wrapped my arm around her, gently running my fingers in her hair, trying to soothe any worries that I could out of her mind, even if it was for a moment.
"I-I'm ok...everything will be ok..." I leaned over, wincing slightly when my shoulder pulled, and kissed her forehead before resting my cheek against her.
I took a deep breath, coughing a bit from the shooting pain. With a shaky voice I spoke softly. "D-dawn...w-where's Willow?"
You don't lie very well. Honey...Dawn...are you ok?"
Swallowing hard, I knew she'd see right through me. I slowly walked over to her and took her hand in mine. When she gasped at my hands I pulled them away and looked down.
"Come here."
I sat down, fighting hard to keep calm, then she hugged me and I had to clear my throat a little so I wouldn't break down. "I-I'm ok...everything will be ok..." Those words and the kiss on the forehead were a bit too much.
"D-dawn...w-where's Willow?"
But it wasn't until she asked the inevitable question did I have to get up and move away. Taking a few steps back, my eyes focused on my hands, as if I was just remembering what was all over them. And it was like it was all happening again.
My voice was small and weak ad I began to talk, no real direction to it, just talking.
"I...I cut out of school early. Wanted to hang out with everyone. No one was home, and I...I went up stairs to see if you guys were there. But when I entered Willow's room..." My voice cracked and the tears slowly began to fall.
"She was so called, her eyes were...empty...I was too late." Lifting my head, my eyes blurry from the tears, I was near sobs. "I couldn't save her Tara...I-I couldn't do it. I'm so so sorry..."
Sitting in the chair nearby I put my face in my hands and started bawling again. There was no way I could fight it anymore, and saying the words again, having a mini flashback, broke my heart all over again.
She got up out of the bed and that scared me, her actions and motions did nothing to ease that fear.
I turned slowly, my face twisted with worry at her obvious distress as she began to talk. My stomach dropped.
"I...I cut out of school early. Wanted to hang out with everyone. No one was home, and I...I went up stairs to see if you guys were there. But when I entered Willow's room..."
I looked at Dawnie confused. "W-willow and I were in her room? Why was I in Willow's room? I..." I don't remember, there's a lot of blank spaces right now.
"She was so cold, her eyes were...empty...I was too late. I couldn't save her Tara...I-I couldn't do it. I'm so so sorry..."
I never thought that a person's heart could physically break but I think mine just did. "W-what...n-no...sh-she...no..." I was whimpering and my voice was low. She couldn't be, she was finally getting things right in her life. We had coffee together and...I don't remember anything after that.
I felt the tears running down my face and this pain in my chest, I wasn't sure what it was for. The grief that spread through my body, seeing Dawn so upset, not knowing and remembering what happend.
Willow....Willow was gone.
I put my hand over my mouth and started to sob, my body shaking, my shoulder pulling but that was the last thing on my mind. I don't think I've ever felt so lost.
"W-willow and I were in her room? Why was I in Willow's room? I...W-what...n-no...sh-she...no..."
Tara's reaction cut into me, hurt so badly. I stood there, frozen, staring at her sob. The tears started coming in torrents and I was, once again, sobbing. That was when I started rambling incoherently.
"You two were...were back together and...and everything as going to be ok...happy again." Feeling a bit dizzy, I fell into the chair near me, next to the bed.
I put my head in my hands, gasping for breath as I cried. "Buffy made W-Warren mad...very mad...he came to kill her...shot her...shot you...shot Willow..."
Lifting my head slowly, I looked at Tara. "Y-you and Xander are all I have left." I barely managed to squeak those words out. Once again I placed my head in my hands, and drowned myself in a pool of tears.
Taking a deep - and painful - breath I wiped my eyes and looked up at Dawnie as she started rambling on, the words she was saying cut into me.
"You two were...were back together and...and everything as going to be ok...happy again....Buffy made W-Warren mad...very mad...he came to kill her...shot her...shot you...shot Willow..."
"Buffy....he shot h-her..." I swallowed hard, opening my mouth to ask her...but she answered my question before I even asked.
"Y-you and Xander are all I have left."
"Ohh...oh Dawnie..." I choked out. Slowly, painfully slow, I started to pull myself out of the bed, pulling the wires off of me and the IV out of my arm. I could worry about all that later. She needed me.
Not worrying about what I was wearing or the fiery pain in my shoulder I fell to the ground next to her chair and put her hands in mine. "Ohhh sweetie..." I reached up with my good arm and started petting her hair, resting my head against hers. "I-I'm here...ok, I'm always here. I-I'm not going a-anywhere..." I felt the tears run down my face as I held her as best I could. I didn't know what else to do.
Breathing was becoming so hard for me, I was crying so hard it hurt me. Hurt my heart, hurt my insides. Felt as if the pain would never go. Suddenly all the monitors started going crazy, and that was when I felt Tara. Her words barely registered, her promise to stay, but no one can be certain of a thing like that.
Our heads resting against each other, my hands with hers, we rocked, racked with nothing but our misery and grief. Both of our hopes for happiness gone, all from the hateful hands of Warren.
Swallowing hard I tried to speak, in small gasping breaths. "Xander left...I think...I think he went to-to find Warren. He's been gone for a long time...Tara, I'm scared. I can't lose anyone else. I've lost everyone...my whole family, gone."
"Tara...they're never coming back, ever. Buffy's gone, Willow's gone...and I-I don't understand why. Will someone please explain to me why this had to happen" Pulling back slightly I looked into her eyes, pleading with my own, just for answers...for something. Anything.
"X-xander will be ok sweetie, I'm here and I'm ok. Everything will be alright." I felt bad because those words sounded hallow and dead to my own ears.
I held her as tight as I could, it hurt me to see her so broken. Then again I wasn't much better then her right now, I just knew that I had to hold it together for her and Xander right now. There'd be time for me to fall apart later.
Pulling back I looked at her face, running my hand down her cheek and trying to wipe away a few tears. "We have each other. I won't let anything happen to you. I'm not leaving you. Believe that." I was surprised at my own conviction but what I said was true. She's lost so much in such a short time it wasn't fair and if I could help it I was going to help her stay together.
"I can't tell you why Dawnie, nobody had a why for me when my mamma died. I don't think we're m-meant to know why. We just have to go on with what we have. You have me." I leaned forward and kissed her forehead and held her close to me, ignoring the wet warmth that I felt running down my back.
Being in Tara's arms was the most comforting feeling that I had felt in a long time. But...but I knew that she didn't believe half of what she said.
What I also knew was that I was tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of everything bad that ever happened to us. We didn't deserve any of it. There are so many bad people out there that deserved it so much more than us. I mean, come on, we saved the world, many times, how is this at all fair.
Taking a deep breath I steadied myself, my sobs slowed to just silent tears, and I pulled away from Tara. Looking into her eyes, sniffling. "You...you should get back in bed. You're hurt, and you need to rest. I-I should go look for Xander." Too much hospital time for me, I need out, but I shouldn't leave her...god I am so lost.
"You...you should get back in bed. You're hurt, and you need to rest. I-I should go look for Xander."
I sighed and ran my hand over her face, brushing her hair aside. "I'm w-worried about you sweetie. That's my only concern." She's all the family I have left. I was all she had left and I was going to do whatever I could to be there for her.
Slowly, I got to my feet, pulling her with me. "Come on honey, w-why don't we see what we can do about your clothes and getting you some-something to eat?" I smiled warmly at her, feeling wet warmth running down my back. I started to walk with her out of the room when I felt very odd. Dizzy in a way.
I blinked a few times and looked down at her, trying to get the room to stop spinning. After a while it did stop spinning...it faded to black.
So hear I am, alone in the hospital, pacing for...God knows how long. Praying to whatever gods were listening, that Tara would be ok. There were no more tears, my heart was broken into a thousand pieces and I had no more tears. The grief was subsided only by rage. I was about ready to storm out of the place and look for Xander when a doctor came out and looked around the waiting room. I quickly ran up to him.
Taking a breath I spoke as calm as I could, though my words came out a bit fast. "Doctor...um, are you Tara McClay's doctor? Because I have been waiting and waiting and I want to know if she is ok and if she isn't ok then...then I don't know. But please tell me...is she ok?" My last few words game out weak, but I stayed strong.
"Well... He started, holding eye contact and speaking slowly. "...are you family?"
Family? What kind of question is that? Was he avoiding the subject? Is she not ok? Stupid doctor and his stupid vagueness and his stupid doctorly facial expressions. "I'm family, her...sister." He didn't seem convinced but I didn't care. So I said the next three words slow, and full of the 'if you don't tell me I shall kill you' tone of voice. "Is she ok?"
He sighed and nodded. "The bullet went through her shoulder from the back, and right back out. She was lucky, it didn't hit any organs, barely missed her lung. She had a considerable amount of blood loss. But all in all, she will be just fine."
My heartbeat stopped racing, a little at least, and I breathed a sigh of release. "Can...can I see her? Please, I uh..." I looked down at my hands that were still covered in their blood. "...I've had a very bad day." Understatement of the year, but it works.
Turning his head he motion for a nurse, she came over, and he turned his attention back to me. "Nurse Katie here will walk you to Tara's room. She may be awake by now. But would you happen to know how to contact the rest of her family?"
Gritting my teeth slightly I shook my head. "She has no family...uh I mean, there is no rest of the family. I'm all she has left. And she's...she's all I have left." My voice got a little choked up but I shook it off. There was Xander too, but Tara was...Tara was different. She really was a sister to me.
"Ok than. If you have any questions, or if Ms. McClay does, just ask for me and I will be happy to assist you. Take care." And with that he turned and left me with the nurse.
"Right this way." She said simply and started walking. She tried to spark up conversation with me but I didn't say anything and she gave up. My heart started racing as I got closer to the room, I have to tell her...I don't know if I can. My face must have been pale, my eyes red from crying for hours, but I tried to keep a calm look on my face.
As we got closer to the room it sounded like there was a commotion going on or something so I quickened my pace and when I walked through the door I saw her. Tara looked so pale, much worse than usual, and she was bandaged.
“D-Dawn?” She said quietly and I tried to brave a smile, didn't work though. The nurses left us and I stood there by the door. Afraid to get to close. Afraid of the words that were going to have to come out of my mouth...again. My hand lifted from my side only slightly and waved.
"Hey." My voice was quiet, I could barely even hear myself. But I was mad that that was all I could come up with. Clearing my throat I tried again. "You look..." Alive. "...good."
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I shook my head at her. "You don't lie very well." I murmured and held my hand out for her, I needed to feel someone but I think she needed it more then I did. "Honey...Dawn...are you ok?"
I looked down and gasped slightly at her hands, they were covered in blood. Who's blood? Mine? Someone else's?
With painful movements I shifted in the bed and made room for her to sit. Everything inside of me hurt like fire but the look on her face put all my selfish worries aside. "Come here." I gently patted the bed next to me and wrapped my arm around her, gently running my fingers in her hair, trying to soothe any worries that I could out of her mind, even if it was for a moment.
"I-I'm ok...everything will be ok..." I leaned over, wincing slightly when my shoulder pulled, and kissed her forehead before resting my cheek against her.
I took a deep breath, coughing a bit from the shooting pain. With a shaky voice I spoke softly. "D-dawn...w-where's Willow?"
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Swallowing hard, I knew she'd see right through me. I slowly walked over to her and took her hand in mine. When she gasped at my hands I pulled them away and looked down.
"Come here."
I sat down, fighting hard to keep calm, then she hugged me and I had to clear my throat a little so I wouldn't break down. "I-I'm ok...everything will be ok..." Those words and the kiss on the forehead were a bit too much.
"D-dawn...w-where's Willow?"
But it wasn't until she asked the inevitable question did I have to get up and move away. Taking a few steps back, my eyes focused on my hands, as if I was just remembering what was all over them. And it was like it was all happening again.
My voice was small and weak ad I began to talk, no real direction to it, just talking.
"I...I cut out of school early. Wanted to hang out with everyone. No one was home, and I...I went up stairs to see if you guys were there. But when I entered Willow's room..." My voice cracked and the tears slowly began to fall.
"She was so called, her eyes were...empty...I was too late." Lifting my head, my eyes blurry from the tears, I was near sobs. "I couldn't save her Tara...I-I couldn't do it. I'm so so sorry..."
Sitting in the chair nearby I put my face in my hands and started bawling again. There was no way I could fight it anymore, and saying the words again, having a mini flashback, broke my heart all over again.
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I turned slowly, my face twisted with worry at her obvious distress as she began to talk. My stomach dropped.
"I...I cut out of school early. Wanted to hang out with everyone. No one was home, and I...I went up stairs to see if you guys were there. But when I entered Willow's room..."
I looked at Dawnie confused. "W-willow and I were in her room? Why was I in Willow's room? I..." I don't remember, there's a lot of blank spaces right now.
"She was so cold, her eyes were...empty...I was too late. I couldn't save her Tara...I-I couldn't do it. I'm so so sorry..."
I never thought that a person's heart could physically break but I think mine just did. "W-what...n-no...sh-she...no..." I was whimpering and my voice was low. She couldn't be, she was finally getting things right in her life. We had coffee together and...I don't remember anything after that.
I felt the tears running down my face and this pain in my chest, I wasn't sure what it was for. The grief that spread through my body, seeing Dawn so upset, not knowing and remembering what happend.
Willow....Willow was gone.
I put my hand over my mouth and started to sob, my body shaking, my shoulder pulling but that was the last thing on my mind. I don't think I've ever felt so lost.
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Tara's reaction cut into me, hurt so badly. I stood there, frozen, staring at her sob. The tears started coming in torrents and I was, once again, sobbing. That was when I started rambling incoherently.
"You two were...were back together and...and everything as going to be ok...happy again." Feeling a bit dizzy, I fell into the chair near me, next to the bed.
I put my head in my hands, gasping for breath as I cried. "Buffy made W-Warren mad...very mad...he came to kill her...shot her...shot you...shot Willow..."
Lifting my head slowly, I looked at Tara. "Y-you and Xander are all I have left." I barely managed to squeak those words out. Once again I placed my head in my hands, and drowned myself in a pool of tears.
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"You two were...were back together and...and everything as going to be ok...happy again....Buffy made W-Warren mad...very mad...he came to kill her...shot her...shot you...shot Willow..."
"Buffy....he shot h-her..." I swallowed hard, opening my mouth to ask her...but she answered my question before I even asked.
"Y-you and Xander are all I have left."
"Ohh...oh Dawnie..." I choked out. Slowly, painfully slow, I started to pull myself out of the bed, pulling the wires off of me and the IV out of my arm. I could worry about all that later. She needed me.
Not worrying about what I was wearing or the fiery pain in my shoulder I fell to the ground next to her chair and put her hands in mine. "Ohhh sweetie..." I reached up with my good arm and started petting her hair, resting my head against hers. "I-I'm here...ok, I'm always here. I-I'm not going a-anywhere..." I felt the tears run down my face as I held her as best I could. I didn't know what else to do.
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Our heads resting against each other, my hands with hers, we rocked, racked with nothing but our misery and grief. Both of our hopes for happiness gone, all from the hateful hands of Warren.
Swallowing hard I tried to speak, in small gasping breaths. "Xander left...I think...I think he went to-to find Warren. He's been gone for a long time...Tara, I'm scared. I can't lose anyone else. I've lost everyone...my whole family, gone."
"Tara...they're never coming back, ever. Buffy's gone, Willow's gone...and I-I don't understand why. Will someone please explain to me why this had to happen" Pulling back slightly I looked into her eyes, pleading with my own, just for answers...for something. Anything.
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I held her as tight as I could, it hurt me to see her so broken. Then again I wasn't much better then her right now, I just knew that I had to hold it together for her and Xander right now. There'd be time for me to fall apart later.
Pulling back I looked at her face, running my hand down her cheek and trying to wipe away a few tears. "We have each other. I won't let anything happen to you. I'm not leaving you. Believe that." I was surprised at my own conviction but what I said was true. She's lost so much in such a short time it wasn't fair and if I could help it I was going to help her stay together.
"I can't tell you why Dawnie, nobody had a why for me when my mamma died. I don't think we're m-meant to know why. We just have to go on with what we have. You have me." I leaned forward and kissed her forehead and held her close to me, ignoring the wet warmth that I felt running down my back.
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What I also knew was that I was tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of everything bad that ever happened to us. We didn't deserve any of it. There are so many bad people out there that deserved it so much more than us. I mean, come on, we saved the world, many times, how is this at all fair.
Taking a deep breath I steadied myself, my sobs slowed to just silent tears, and I pulled away from Tara. Looking into her eyes, sniffling. "You...you should get back in bed. You're hurt, and you need to rest. I-I should go look for Xander." Too much hospital time for me, I need out, but I shouldn't leave her...god I am so lost.
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I sighed and ran my hand over her face, brushing her hair aside. "I'm w-worried about you sweetie. That's my only concern." She's all the family I have left. I was all she had left and I was going to do whatever I could to be there for her.
Slowly, I got to my feet, pulling her with me. "Come on honey, w-why don't we see what we can do about your clothes and getting you some-something to eat?" I smiled warmly at her, feeling wet warmth running down my back. I started to walk with her out of the room when I felt very odd. Dizzy in a way.
I blinked a few times and looked down at her, trying to get the room to stop spinning. After a while it did stop spinning...it faded to black.
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