"I've spent too much time sitting in silence Angel, and I'm talkin' not even the sound of the road rushing by or bugs chirping quiet. Just dark silence and freakin' cold concrete...ya know, the type that makes you jittery and blank at the same time?"
I did know actually. I'd been trapped inside a world of self loathing, hatred. Shying away from humanity and all that it entailed. But I didn't know what she was going through, not exactly and I refused to pretend that I did.
"I have some idea." I replied. The last thing I wanted to do was alienate Faith. We were both a pile of emotions that we didn't want to let out.
"So, sitting...without talkin' might just ki-"
She stopped, as if the word pained her and I knew what she was thinking. Yet there was nothing I could say.
"She's gone Angel. Always thought she'd outlive me...that's how it was supposed to be."
I felt another surge of rage pass over me, thinking of Buffy in the past tense was never going to get easy. Losing her once was hard even though it was for a mere minute, then again, and now a third time? I wasn't sure I could keep up my calm persona.
"I wanted her to outlive me." I replied honestly not realizing how much my voice broke.
"That's how it was supposed to be..."
I could hear how helpless she felt. Even with everything she and Buffy had been through, they had a connection no one else would ever have been able to touch. Just as I felt Buffy and I did.
"I trashed the hotel." I admitted to her, keeping my eyes on the road, attempting to keep a mask on my face.
"It was unrecognizable when I left. I've always dealt with pent up anger, emotions begging me to break free and hurt someone. I've always been able to control them. I've lost her three times now ... She wasn't suppose to die like that, some kid with a gun? She was suppose to die in battle, fighting ..."
I arched an eyebrow. "Dayum, all I did was break a pool table and jack up the rec room...."
"It was unrecognizable when I left. I've always dealt with pent up anger, emotions begging me to break free and hurt someone. I've always been able to control them. I've lost her three times now ... She wasn't suppose to die like that, some kid with a gun? She was suppose to die in battle, fighting ..."
I think I started laughing, no scratch that, I know I started laughing dryly, a nice hoarse laugh the kind that was formed from not knowing what to do with your voice and the chaos of emotions rushing through your head. "They always say, third times the charm..." The words felt wrong, raw and acidic.
My jaw set as I braved a look down to my hands. "That kid, he's been taken care of right?" I let my hands curl into fists, ignoring the bite of my nails digging into the gashes. "The one with the gun, he's no longer in the picture?"
I had to know, if he wasn't, I don't think I could trust myself to just be cool with the idea of Buffy's murderer running around, celebrating his kill. "I always thought, well heh..gonna sound like a completely pussy here, but thought when I finally got outta jail, she'd still be alive ya know? So I could do the whole say sorry thing and take over the slaying gig for her and let her live her normal life, see her grow old and fat and happy, to die Happy, truely happy and peacefully."
I rolled my eyes. "I blame those delusions on losing my mind in that hell hole."
Then I fell silent once more, staring out my window once more. "I used to dream about her Angel..."
She started to laugh, and I knew she was trying like hell to deal with this without getting too emotional.
"That kid, he's been taken care of right? The one with the gun, he's no longer in the picture?"
I shook my head. "Not yet, but he'll pay. I promised Dawn as much. I will ..."
The thought burned my mind, making someone pay for killing my only chance at happiness was something I wouldn't have even imagined I'd be able to do. But now, the need burned hotter than the thought.
"I always thought, well heh..gonna sound like a completely pussy here, but thought when I finally got outta jail, she'd still be alive ya know? So I could do the whole say sorry thing and take over the slaying gig for her and let her live her normal life, see her grow old and fat and happy, to die Happy, truely happy and peacefully."
I nodded. "You don't sound like anything but human Faith."
Truth was I envied her, she had the power to give Buffy a chance at that happiness, and I never would. Despite the two instances being entirely different, I still envied her.
"I blame those delusions on losing my mind in that hell hole."
"I wouldn't call them delusions." I added.
After a moment of silence she spoke again.
"I used to dream about her Angel..."
I darted my eye to her, seeing how she was trying to hold her emotions below the surface, I knew the look was mirrored on my face.
I never went a night without Buffy making an appearance in my dreams. It made my dreams worth while.
Wow...what a question, and there was no way in hell I was gonna say 'Well, for starters...dream Buffy's got one helluva tongue' Nope, doing the coping with her loss thing with one of her ex's so did *not* involve talkin' about dream executed fantasies.
"Um...dreams where stuff was different. Like, sometimes we would be fighting, side by side, knowing that we got eachother's backs without any shady being suspicious or hiding shit. Then sometimes, life would be normal...like there didn't even have to be a point to the dream just sit for what seems like hours, doing nothing but laying next to each other and staring at the same damn thing but seeing it differently. And it was okay, it was okay to see things differently because in the end, the thing never changed."
I began to pick at a scabbing over gash on one hand and shrugged. "Never figured out what that thing was..guess it never mattered. Just it didn't matter because how badly I fucked up never mattered then, it was just..it never...mattered."
The idle picking to give myself something do got old fast, and like I really needed to be bleeding in a car with a vamp. Soul or no soul, blood is still blood.
I let my eyes slide shut. "Angel? Do you think...ya know, if she was still alive.." I swallowed. "Do you think she would've finally forgiven me...given me a chance?"
She seemed slightly uncomfortable with my question but went on about answering it anyway. There was something vulnerable about Faith that I'd always seen, even when she did everything she could to hide it. I felt honored that she allowed me to see that side of her.
"Um...dreams where stuff was different. Like, sometimes we would be fighting, side by side, knowing that we got eachother's backs without any shady being suspicious or hiding shit. Then sometimes, life would be normal...like there didn't even have to be a point to the dream just sit for what seems like hours, doing nothing but laying next to each other and staring at the same damn thing but seeing it differently. And it was okay, it was okay to see things differently because in the end, the thing never changed."
I nodded, understanding what she meant without difficulty.
"Never figured out what that thing was..guess it never mattered. Just it didn't matter because how badly I fucked up never mattered then, it was just..it never...mattered."
I watched the road, lights seemed to echo off the car and pull back as if we were untouchable, this momment was somehow in rememberance of a woman who time would never forget.
Angel? Do you think...ya know, if she was still alive.. Do you think she would've finally forgiven me...given me a chance?"
She almost sounded like a child. As if Buffy was her mother and the last thing she'd said to her was something mean. Asking if she knew ...
"She always believed in you Faith. Even when you hurt each other she believed in you. It may have seemed that she gave up but she never did. You meant more to her than you'll ever know, than I'll ever know. I don't think forgiveness was ever the issue."
"She always believed in you Faith. Even when you hurt each other she believed in you. It may have seemed that she gave up but she never did. You meant more to her than you'll ever know, than I'll ever know. I don't think forgiveness was ever the issue."
I looked over to the famed Vampire with a Soul as those words came out of his mouth and did my best to hide the hopeful expression on my face. The last thing I needed to look like a little girl asking her daddy if her mommy really loved her and was she the reason they got divorced. Not that I had any experience with that...seriously yo.
"Thanks." I dunno what the hell I was thanking him for as I shifted in my seat to look back out of my window. He could've just been saying that or something to make me feel better...but I doubt it, because Broodymug knew me better than to play that game with me.
I bit my bottom lip and sighed, slouching in my seat, the seat belt digging uncomfortably into my neck. I rolled my eyes moving a hand to adjust to my shoulder. "So. Did you kick it's ass?" He did mention about fighting a building...lobby...something, I couldn't remember but I felt a wry smirk tugging at my lips, it was easier that trying for a forced grin.
I simply nodded at her. I could tell she needed to hear that and desperately wanted to believe it. And she should, because it was true, I wouldn't just say anything to appease her, she didn't need that plus I respected her more than that.
"So. Did you kick it's ass?"
I furrowed my brow.
"What? Oh ... The Lobby, I think it's possibly there was a tie, I was a little ... out of my mind. I guess the better term would be criminally insane for a little while there but ..."
I sighed heavily.
"I told Wes about it, so Cordy, Fred and Gunn wouldn't think I was attacked. Even though Wes isn't on my list of people I'm fond of trusting at the moment."
"What? Oh ... The Lobby, I think it's possibly there was a tie, I was a little ... out of my mind. I guess the better term would be criminally insane for a little while there but ..."
A little out of his mind...that was a nice way of putting it. I mean, he was A. Dead. B. Old and C. Tortured and shit by the whole soul thing...I had a feeling he operated on two sips short of a pint of blood most of the time. But then that brought a person back to the fact that he's had a while to perfect the art of hiding it...or whatever.
I looked over to him as he sighed, that always got me...for somebody who didn't need to breathe, you'd think you'd see like a bit of dust or something in the air when they sighed or breathed deeply.
"I told Wes about it, so Cordy, Fred and Gunn wouldn't think I was attacked. Even though Wes isn't on my list of people I'm fond of trusting at the moment."
I felt my eyebrow lift slightly as I listened to the Vamp. "I'd ask why, but you'd probably sink deeper into brood mode, and my forehead's close to getting sympathy pains..."
"I've had time to perfect the art of brooding. It's a thing."
I could believe that. "I can believe the time thing old man. You've certainly had plenty of time for it." I shook my head, distractedly unfastening my seat belt and looking around.
"Sitting, in the woods in a nice car with a hottie. Dude..this brings back memories." I chuckled softly, my hand pausing on the door handle. "You okay man?" It made me worry abit with what the minute relaxing, he had been tense almost the whole drive.
I did know actually. I'd been trapped inside a world of self loathing, hatred. Shying away from humanity and all that it entailed. But I didn't know what she was going through, not exactly and I refused to pretend that I did.
"I have some idea." I replied. The last thing I wanted to do was alienate Faith. We were both a pile of emotions that we didn't want to let out.
"So, sitting...without talkin' might just ki-"
She stopped, as if the word pained her and I knew what she was thinking. Yet there was nothing I could say.
"She's gone Angel. Always thought she'd outlive me...that's how it was supposed to be."
I felt another surge of rage pass over me, thinking of Buffy in the past tense was never going to get easy. Losing her once was hard even though it was for a mere minute, then again, and now a third time? I wasn't sure I could keep up my calm persona.
"I wanted her to outlive me." I replied honestly not realizing how much my voice broke.
"That's how it was supposed to be..."
I could hear how helpless she felt. Even with everything she and Buffy had been through, they had a connection no one else would ever have been able to touch. Just as I felt Buffy and I did.
"I trashed the hotel." I admitted to her, keeping my eyes on the road, attempting to keep a mask on my face.
"It was unrecognizable when I left. I've always dealt with pent up anger, emotions begging me to break free and hurt someone. I've always been able to control them. I've lost her three times now ... She wasn't suppose to die like that, some kid with a gun? She was suppose to die in battle, fighting ..."
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I arched an eyebrow. "Dayum, all I did was break a pool table and jack up the rec room...."
"It was unrecognizable when I left. I've always dealt with pent up anger, emotions begging me to break free and hurt someone. I've always been able to control them. I've lost her three times now ... She wasn't suppose to die like that, some kid with a gun? She was suppose to die in battle, fighting ..."
I think I started laughing, no scratch that, I know I started laughing dryly, a nice hoarse laugh the kind that was formed from not knowing what to do with your voice and the chaos of emotions rushing through your head. "They always say, third times the charm..." The words felt wrong, raw and acidic.
My jaw set as I braved a look down to my hands. "That kid, he's been taken care of right?" I let my hands curl into fists, ignoring the bite of my nails digging into the gashes. "The one with the gun, he's no longer in the picture?"
I had to know, if he wasn't, I don't think I could trust myself to just be cool with the idea of Buffy's murderer running around, celebrating his kill. "I always thought, well heh..gonna sound like a completely pussy here, but thought when I finally got outta jail, she'd still be alive ya know? So I could do the whole say sorry thing and take over the slaying gig for her and let her live her normal life, see her grow old and fat and happy, to die Happy, truely happy and peacefully."
I rolled my eyes. "I blame those delusions on losing my mind in that hell hole."
Then I fell silent once more, staring out my window once more. "I used to dream about her Angel..."
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She started to laugh, and I knew she was trying like hell to deal with this without getting too emotional.
"That kid, he's been taken care of right? The one with the gun, he's no longer in the picture?"
I shook my head. "Not yet, but he'll pay. I promised Dawn as much. I will ..."
The thought burned my mind, making someone pay for killing my only chance at happiness was something I wouldn't have even imagined I'd be able to do. But now, the need burned hotter than the thought.
"I always thought, well heh..gonna sound like a completely pussy here, but thought when I finally got outta jail, she'd still be alive ya know? So I could do the whole say sorry thing and take over the slaying gig for her and let her live her normal life, see her grow old and fat and happy, to die Happy, truely happy and peacefully."
I nodded. "You don't sound like anything but human Faith."
Truth was I envied her, she had the power to give Buffy a chance at that happiness, and I never would. Despite the two instances being entirely different, I still envied her.
"I blame those delusions on losing my mind in that hell hole."
"I wouldn't call them delusions." I added.
After a moment of silence she spoke again.
"I used to dream about her Angel..."
I darted my eye to her, seeing how she was trying to hold her emotions below the surface, I knew the look was mirrored on my face.
I never went a night without Buffy making an appearance in my dreams. It made my dreams worth while.
"What kind of dreams?"
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Wow...what a question, and there was no way in hell I was gonna say 'Well, for starters...dream Buffy's got one helluva tongue' Nope, doing the coping with her loss thing with one of her ex's so did *not* involve talkin' about dream executed fantasies.
"Um...dreams where stuff was different. Like, sometimes we would be fighting, side by side, knowing that we got eachother's backs without any shady being suspicious or hiding shit. Then sometimes, life would be normal...like there didn't even have to be a point to the dream just sit for what seems like hours, doing nothing but laying next to each other and staring at the same damn thing but seeing it differently. And it was okay, it was okay to see things differently because in the end, the thing never changed."
I began to pick at a scabbing over gash on one hand and shrugged. "Never figured out what that thing was..guess it never mattered. Just it didn't matter because how badly I fucked up never mattered then, it was just..it never...mattered."
The idle picking to give myself something do got old fast, and like I really needed to be bleeding in a car with a vamp. Soul or no soul, blood is still blood.
I let my eyes slide shut. "Angel? Do you think...ya know, if she was still alive.." I swallowed. "Do you think she would've finally forgiven me...given me a chance?"
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"Um...dreams where stuff was different. Like, sometimes we would be fighting, side by side, knowing that we got eachother's backs without any shady being suspicious or hiding shit. Then sometimes, life would be normal...like there didn't even have to be a point to the dream just sit for what seems like hours, doing nothing but laying next to each other and staring at the same damn thing but seeing it differently. And it was okay, it was okay to see things differently because in the end, the thing never changed."
I nodded, understanding what she meant without difficulty.
"Never figured out what that thing was..guess it never mattered. Just it didn't matter because how badly I fucked up never mattered then, it was just..it never...mattered."
I watched the road, lights seemed to echo off the car and pull back as if we were untouchable, this momment was somehow in rememberance of a woman who time would never forget.
Angel? Do you think...ya know, if she was still alive.. Do you think she would've finally forgiven me...given me a chance?"
She almost sounded like a child. As if Buffy was her mother and the last thing she'd said to her was something mean. Asking if she knew ...
"She always believed in you Faith. Even when you hurt each other she believed in you. It may have seemed that she gave up but she never did. You meant more to her than you'll ever know, than I'll ever know. I don't think forgiveness was ever the issue."
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I looked over to the famed Vampire with a Soul as those words came out of his mouth and did my best to hide the hopeful expression on my face. The last thing I needed to look like a little girl asking her daddy if her mommy really loved her and was she the reason they got divorced. Not that I had any experience with that...seriously yo.
"Thanks." I dunno what the hell I was thanking him for as I shifted in my seat to look back out of my window. He could've just been saying that or something to make me feel better...but I doubt it, because Broodymug knew me better than to play that game with me.
I bit my bottom lip and sighed, slouching in my seat, the seat belt digging uncomfortably into my neck. I rolled my eyes moving a hand to adjust to my shoulder. "So. Did you kick it's ass?" He did mention about fighting a building...lobby...something, I couldn't remember but I felt a wry smirk tugging at my lips, it was easier that trying for a forced grin.
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I simply nodded at her. I could tell she needed to hear that and desperately wanted to believe it. And she should, because it was true, I wouldn't just say anything to appease her, she didn't need that plus I respected her more than that.
"So. Did you kick it's ass?"
I furrowed my brow.
"What? Oh ... The Lobby, I think it's possibly there was a tie, I was a little ... out of my mind. I guess the better term would be criminally insane for a little while there but ..."
I sighed heavily.
"I told Wes about it, so Cordy, Fred and Gunn wouldn't think I was attacked. Even though Wes isn't on my list of people I'm fond of trusting at the moment."
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A little out of his mind...that was a nice way of putting it. I mean, he was A. Dead. B. Old and C. Tortured and shit by the whole soul thing...I had a feeling he operated on two sips short of a pint of blood most of the time. But then that brought a person back to the fact that he's had a while to perfect the art of hiding it...or whatever.
I looked over to him as he sighed, that always got me...for somebody who didn't need to breathe, you'd think you'd see like a bit of dust or something in the air when they sighed or breathed deeply.
"I told Wes about it, so Cordy, Fred and Gunn wouldn't think I was attacked. Even though Wes isn't on my list of people I'm fond of trusting at the moment."
I felt my eyebrow lift slightly as I listened to the Vamp. "I'd ask why, but you'd probably sink deeper into brood mode, and my forehead's close to getting sympathy pains..."
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I nodded.
"That conversation is probably better saved for another time. Plus it's complicated."
We neared the woods outside of Sunnydale and I slowed down, looking for a good place to store my car.
It took a good five minutes before we reached a clearing large enough for me to manuvere in and hide the car.
Flicking off the headlights, I sat back in my seat, attempting a short moment to relax. I hadn't even realize how tense I'd been.
"I've had time to perfect the art of brooding. It's a thing."
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I could believe that. "I can believe the time thing old man. You've certainly had plenty of time for it." I shook my head, distractedly unfastening my seat belt and looking around.
"Sitting, in the woods in a nice car with a hottie. Dude..this brings back memories." I chuckled softly, my hand pausing on the door handle. "You okay man?" It made me worry abit with what the minute relaxing, he had been tense almost the whole drive.
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