Somebody woke me up by shining flashlight in my face and speaking all like hush hush, get your ass up I'm doing something that could get me fired..move it *bitch*. Except he didn't say that...he didn't say anything, he just motioned for me to follow him. And I wasn't asleep either, my eyes were closed...but I wasn't asleep.
He had one of those, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't feel I had to so what the hell *are* you waiting for, looks on his face so I sat up and stood up from my bunk.
He remained silent, cuffing me and pushing me a bit to get me to walk in front of him. What...was his deal... Then I paused and frowned as I neared the door of the Yard, ignoring the hands patting me down and almost absently rubbing my wrists as the cuffs were removed.
Then I tensed as I walked out into the empty yard, somethings never change...especially when you're dealing with dead people. No matter what, they are always dead.
I stared at the familiar figure, looking all epic heroish with the backlight of the moon and the dark clothing.
"Angel..."
I swallowed and moved a hand to gently tangle my fingers in the holes of the fence. Looking back towards the door and then to the vampire I was quiet for a moment before finishing. "You look like shit man..."
Okay, not the most normal of greetings but he did, he looked well...broken.
Leave it to Faith to make me smile in a situation like this one. It wasn't so much what she said as the fact that only she would say something so bluntly.
It was refreshing, and I'd not been around to visit her lately, the guilt pounded down on me. Weighing even more heavily than before.
"Well, Can't say you look well rested either." I sighed and took a step closer to the fence.
"Dawn called me." I felt my jaw tense as the wave of emotion tightened around my throat.
I wasn't sure what to say or do here, I assumed she knew that they wanted me to break her out of jail, or at least had mentioned it to her, but I still wasn't sure if that was the best option.
I felt a soft and wry grin form on my face and I shrugged. "Kinda have alot on my mind ya know." I studied his face from my side of the fence.
"Dawn called me."
I nodded slightly. "Yeah?" I looked up towards the top of the fence and then back to the ground, my other hand moving to hook into the metal holes in the fence and I just stood there.
I was here because I wanted to be.
I had to get out because I needed to...
Taking a deep breath and rolling my shoulder a bit I looked back up at Angel. "So. How we doing this?"
The moment she looked back up at me I knew what he decision was. I was indeed grateful that there hadn't been a long drawn out discussion.
I think we both knew that we were needed elsewhere, and as much as we'd like to stick to what we found more comfortable or at least pressing, we knew, as we always had.
I was also thankful that Faith and I could just look at each other and the subject was over.
I looked around. Jerry was standing with his back turned towards us.
"I could always come back tommorrow when we have a plan, but it will take so long."
I was more worried about her safety, boys with guns were dangerous, Willow and Buffy had found that out the hard way.
"We don't want them firing at you, but the gaurds are down to a bare minimum right now, So really it's up to you, my car is reachable with your speed. Jump the fence and deal with the barb wire or we pull the fence out of the ground."
I knew it would be easy, likely in either case, but Speed being an issue It would be smarter for her to make her way over the fence.
This was it, the chance to get out of this hellhole, and was I ready...hell no. I'd be straight up lying if I said the memories of what I had done, and what I could do didn't scare the shit out of me. Oh screw it, I could do the whole trippin thing later.
I looked back at Larry...Jerry, whatever the hell his name was before untangling my fingers from the fence. "Not in the mood for a hernia today big boy, best to get to movin' cuz once I start I'm not stopping and I don't have the keys to your car." I smirked slightly before pushing off of the fence, backing up slowly.
Just a fence and some wire, just some fence and some wire. I could do this. I eyed the top of the fence and continued to back up slowly. Focus, one thing I was told I lacked. Focus, the one thing I needed at this moment, because if I didn't make this I had the feeling somebody was gonna bust a cap in my ass, and I actually liked sitting down ya know?
Not looking at Angel, I closed my eyes taking a deep breath. It was now or never.
The fence rushed towards me, and for a moment I was like...whoa and somehow I landed, my hands catching the top of the gate...and the barbwire. Oh fuck, a little pain could be kinky but in this case? It was just annoying as hell as my body flipped over in a vault, and I felt skin tearing as I let go, felt myself falling.
My body jarred at the impact of my feet hitting the ground and I looked back at the yard. Okay, so fences make that rattling noise...and Jerry was calling for Tom and Ben...or whoever as I took off running for the car.
As soon as she started moving so did I. The top was down, I could hear her behind me, gaining on me of course, she was a slayer after all.
The Slayer. The only slayer now.
I shook the disracting thoughts out of my head, praying to the powers that be that we'd get out of here. I was unwilling to let Dawn down, or Faith for that matter. If she got caught now there's no telling how things would end up for her.
I jumped into the drivers seat, cranked the car up and within seconds she was beside me. I took off, as fast as I could, we were lucky we were so quick, I was a good ways away from the prision before I heard the faint sound of sirens.
"I'm going to take some back roads to Sunnydale, we'll stop outside the city and leave my car somewhere." I did hope to get it back afterall.
"We'll have to make our way into down on foot while it's still dark."
My hands were shaking, and bleeding but I was more concerned and surprised about the goddamn shaking. It took my 3 tries to get the seat belt on, like I was gonna take the risk of playing the part of Le Femme Superman in a suit of torn prison fatigues and glass.
I just nodded at what Angel was saying, looking back slightly upon hearing sirens. "Damn, they don't waste time do they." I ran a hand through my tangled hair, wincing as a bit of hair snagged on what I just knew was a not shallow cut. "I think I shoulda risked the hernia."
Sighing, I leaned back in my seat a bit and rubbed my forehead. "I guess all potty break stops are now outta the question then?" I drawled a bit sarcastically. "Just whatever man... whatever..."
I watched the road, getting to the dark roads I knew too well. Faith had stopped talking when the lights had started to gain on us, I could tell she was nervous.
Hell I could smell her fear.
But I knew they had no idea where we were. It was the route I was taking that kept us near the lights.
Once we were clear of them I slowed down a little bit, not realizing how fast I'd been going or how tightly clenched my hands were on the stearing wheel.
"You ok?" I looked at her out of the corner of my eye.
I looked over to Angel before turning back to my window just shrugging. "Yeah. Sure."
It was the easiest answer, not really the truth. I couldn't just break down in tears and yell about getting caught and if I was caught what they'd do to me and how I wasn't ready. No, I had a perfect image of casual indifference. "Yeah, I am. I'm okay, a little shook up but I'm cool Angel."
He hadn't asked me another question but I could imagine the patient waiting for me to break with the truth expression on his face. "Goddamnit Angel, I'm okay! Just, just keep your focus on driving because if we get caught, it will be so your fault."
"Yeah, I am. I'm okay, a little shook up but I'm cool Angel."
She knew me better than to lie to me, or at least to think I'd believe it. So I just drove, eyes on the road, watching her from the corner of my eye, waiting.
It was easier to focus on helping faith than to face the reality of why we were even together at that momment.
"Goddamnit Angel, I'm okay! Just, just keep your focus on driving because if we get caught, it will be so your fault."
I sighed.
"I'm not going to let anyone catch you Faith. I don't care what I have to do."
I heard her scoff at me. I would have pulled over to look at her and tell her that I was serious.
"Faith. I'm not going to let that happen alright. Trust me. And I know your not ok. We've got a drive, if you want to sit in silence then that's what we'll do."
"Faith. I'm not going to let that happen alright. Trust me. And I know your not ok. We've got a drive, if you want to sit in silence then that's what we'll do."
I glanced back at the souled vampire with an unreadable expression. Trust...such a weird words in and of itsself. One syllable but deeper than that really deep trench, Marietta...something, I forgot. One syllable but overflowing with broken promises and bitter memories.
And yet, I was supposed to Trust him . Biting my bottom lip I turned back to the window and carefully tucked the hair falling into my face, behind my ears. "I've spent too much time sitting in silence Angel, and I'm talkin' not even the sound of the road rushing by or bugs chirping quiet. Just dark silence and freakin' cold concrete...ya know, the type that makes you jittery and blank at the same time?"
I was not making sense, and I knew it...but it was something to do, to talk about. "So, sitting...without talkin' might just ki-" I couldn't say the word kill, everytime I thought the word, I saw flashes of blond hair, grimaces, the sound of stakes meeting their targets. My eyes slid shut and I swallowed. "She's gone Angel." I laughed weakly. "Always thought she'd outlive me...that's how it was supposed to be."
In my dreams that is how it always was.
I opened my eyes to stare at the road rushing by. "That's how it was supposed to be..." And my voice, is a pathetic whispers.
"I've spent too much time sitting in silence Angel, and I'm talkin' not even the sound of the road rushing by or bugs chirping quiet. Just dark silence and freakin' cold concrete...ya know, the type that makes you jittery and blank at the same time?"
I did know actually. I'd been trapped inside a world of self loathing, hatred. Shying away from humanity and all that it entailed. But I didn't know what she was going through, not exactly and I refused to pretend that I did.
"I have some idea." I replied. The last thing I wanted to do was alienate Faith. We were both a pile of emotions that we didn't want to let out.
"So, sitting...without talkin' might just ki-"
She stopped, as if the word pained her and I knew what she was thinking. Yet there was nothing I could say.
"She's gone Angel. Always thought she'd outlive me...that's how it was supposed to be."
I felt another surge of rage pass over me, thinking of Buffy in the past tense was never going to get easy. Losing her once was hard even though it was for a mere minute, then again, and now a third time? I wasn't sure I could keep up my calm persona.
"I wanted her to outlive me." I replied honestly not realizing how much my voice broke.
"That's how it was supposed to be..."
I could hear how helpless she felt. Even with everything she and Buffy had been through, they had a connection no one else would ever have been able to touch. Just as I felt Buffy and I did.
"I trashed the hotel." I admitted to her, keeping my eyes on the road, attempting to keep a mask on my face.
"It was unrecognizable when I left. I've always dealt with pent up anger, emotions begging me to break free and hurt someone. I've always been able to control them. I've lost her three times now ... She wasn't suppose to die like that, some kid with a gun? She was suppose to die in battle, fighting ..."
I arched an eyebrow. "Dayum, all I did was break a pool table and jack up the rec room...."
"It was unrecognizable when I left. I've always dealt with pent up anger, emotions begging me to break free and hurt someone. I've always been able to control them. I've lost her three times now ... She wasn't suppose to die like that, some kid with a gun? She was suppose to die in battle, fighting ..."
I think I started laughing, no scratch that, I know I started laughing dryly, a nice hoarse laugh the kind that was formed from not knowing what to do with your voice and the chaos of emotions rushing through your head. "They always say, third times the charm..." The words felt wrong, raw and acidic.
My jaw set as I braved a look down to my hands. "That kid, he's been taken care of right?" I let my hands curl into fists, ignoring the bite of my nails digging into the gashes. "The one with the gun, he's no longer in the picture?"
I had to know, if he wasn't, I don't think I could trust myself to just be cool with the idea of Buffy's murderer running around, celebrating his kill. "I always thought, well heh..gonna sound like a completely pussy here, but thought when I finally got outta jail, she'd still be alive ya know? So I could do the whole say sorry thing and take over the slaying gig for her and let her live her normal life, see her grow old and fat and happy, to die Happy, truely happy and peacefully."
I rolled my eyes. "I blame those delusions on losing my mind in that hell hole."
Then I fell silent once more, staring out my window once more. "I used to dream about her Angel..."
She started to laugh, and I knew she was trying like hell to deal with this without getting too emotional.
"That kid, he's been taken care of right? The one with the gun, he's no longer in the picture?"
I shook my head. "Not yet, but he'll pay. I promised Dawn as much. I will ..."
The thought burned my mind, making someone pay for killing my only chance at happiness was something I wouldn't have even imagined I'd be able to do. But now, the need burned hotter than the thought.
"I always thought, well heh..gonna sound like a completely pussy here, but thought when I finally got outta jail, she'd still be alive ya know? So I could do the whole say sorry thing and take over the slaying gig for her and let her live her normal life, see her grow old and fat and happy, to die Happy, truely happy and peacefully."
I nodded. "You don't sound like anything but human Faith."
Truth was I envied her, she had the power to give Buffy a chance at that happiness, and I never would. Despite the two instances being entirely different, I still envied her.
"I blame those delusions on losing my mind in that hell hole."
"I wouldn't call them delusions." I added.
After a moment of silence she spoke again.
"I used to dream about her Angel..."
I darted my eye to her, seeing how she was trying to hold her emotions below the surface, I knew the look was mirrored on my face.
I never went a night without Buffy making an appearance in my dreams. It made my dreams worth while.
Wow...what a question, and there was no way in hell I was gonna say 'Well, for starters...dream Buffy's got one helluva tongue' Nope, doing the coping with her loss thing with one of her ex's so did *not* involve talkin' about dream executed fantasies.
"Um...dreams where stuff was different. Like, sometimes we would be fighting, side by side, knowing that we got eachother's backs without any shady being suspicious or hiding shit. Then sometimes, life would be normal...like there didn't even have to be a point to the dream just sit for what seems like hours, doing nothing but laying next to each other and staring at the same damn thing but seeing it differently. And it was okay, it was okay to see things differently because in the end, the thing never changed."
I began to pick at a scabbing over gash on one hand and shrugged. "Never figured out what that thing was..guess it never mattered. Just it didn't matter because how badly I fucked up never mattered then, it was just..it never...mattered."
The idle picking to give myself something do got old fast, and like I really needed to be bleeding in a car with a vamp. Soul or no soul, blood is still blood.
I let my eyes slide shut. "Angel? Do you think...ya know, if she was still alive.." I swallowed. "Do you think she would've finally forgiven me...given me a chance?"
She seemed slightly uncomfortable with my question but went on about answering it anyway. There was something vulnerable about Faith that I'd always seen, even when she did everything she could to hide it. I felt honored that she allowed me to see that side of her.
"Um...dreams where stuff was different. Like, sometimes we would be fighting, side by side, knowing that we got eachother's backs without any shady being suspicious or hiding shit. Then sometimes, life would be normal...like there didn't even have to be a point to the dream just sit for what seems like hours, doing nothing but laying next to each other and staring at the same damn thing but seeing it differently. And it was okay, it was okay to see things differently because in the end, the thing never changed."
I nodded, understanding what she meant without difficulty.
"Never figured out what that thing was..guess it never mattered. Just it didn't matter because how badly I fucked up never mattered then, it was just..it never...mattered."
I watched the road, lights seemed to echo off the car and pull back as if we were untouchable, this momment was somehow in rememberance of a woman who time would never forget.
Angel? Do you think...ya know, if she was still alive.. Do you think she would've finally forgiven me...given me a chance?"
She almost sounded like a child. As if Buffy was her mother and the last thing she'd said to her was something mean. Asking if she knew ...
"She always believed in you Faith. Even when you hurt each other she believed in you. It may have seemed that she gave up but she never did. You meant more to her than you'll ever know, than I'll ever know. I don't think forgiveness was ever the issue."
He had one of those, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't feel I had to so what the hell *are* you waiting for, looks on his face so I sat up and stood up from my bunk.
He remained silent, cuffing me and pushing me a bit to get me to walk in front of him. What...was his deal... Then I paused and frowned as I neared the door of the Yard, ignoring the hands patting me down and almost absently rubbing my wrists as the cuffs were removed.
Then I tensed as I walked out into the empty yard, somethings never change...especially when you're dealing with dead people. No matter what, they are always dead.
I stared at the familiar figure, looking all epic heroish with the backlight of the moon and the dark clothing.
"Angel..."
I swallowed and moved a hand to gently tangle my fingers in the holes of the fence. Looking back towards the door and then to the vampire I was quiet for a moment before finishing. "You look like shit man..."
Okay, not the most normal of greetings but he did, he looked well...broken.
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Leave it to Faith to make me smile in a situation like this one. It wasn't so much what she said as the fact that only she would say something so bluntly.
It was refreshing, and I'd not been around to visit her lately, the guilt pounded down on me. Weighing even more heavily than before.
"Well, Can't say you look well rested either." I sighed and took a step closer to the fence.
"Dawn called me." I felt my jaw tense as the wave of emotion tightened around my throat.
I wasn't sure what to say or do here, I assumed she knew that they wanted me to break her out of jail, or at least had mentioned it to her, but I still wasn't sure if that was the best option.
It was going to be up to her.
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I felt a soft and wry grin form on my face and I shrugged. "Kinda have alot on my mind ya know." I studied his face from my side of the fence.
"Dawn called me."
I nodded slightly. "Yeah?" I looked up towards the top of the fence and then back to the ground, my other hand moving to hook into the metal holes in the fence and I just stood there.
I was here because I wanted to be.
I had to get out because I needed to...
Taking a deep breath and rolling my shoulder a bit I looked back up at Angel. "So. How we doing this?"
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I think we both knew that we were needed elsewhere, and as much as we'd like to stick to what we found more comfortable or at least pressing, we knew, as we always had.
I was also thankful that Faith and I could just look at each other and the subject was over.
I looked around. Jerry was standing with his back turned towards us.
"I could always come back tommorrow when we have a plan, but it will take so long."
I was more worried about her safety, boys with guns were dangerous, Willow and Buffy had found that out the hard way.
"We don't want them firing at you, but the gaurds are down to a bare minimum right now, So really it's up to you, my car is reachable with your speed. Jump the fence and deal with the barb wire or we pull the fence out of the ground."
I knew it would be easy, likely in either case, but Speed being an issue It would be smarter for her to make her way over the fence.
"My car is directly behind me about 60 yards."
I looked at her.
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I looked back at Larry...Jerry, whatever the hell his name was before untangling my fingers from the fence. "Not in the mood for a hernia today big boy, best to get to movin' cuz once I start I'm not stopping and I don't have the keys to your car." I smirked slightly before pushing off of the fence, backing up slowly.
Just a fence and some wire, just some fence and some wire. I could do this. I eyed the top of the fence and continued to back up slowly. Focus, one thing I was told I lacked. Focus, the one thing I needed at this moment, because if I didn't make this I had the feeling somebody was gonna bust a cap in my ass, and I actually liked sitting down ya know?
Not looking at Angel, I closed my eyes taking a deep breath. It was now or never.
The fence rushed towards me, and for a moment I was like...whoa and somehow I landed, my hands catching the top of the gate...and the barbwire. Oh fuck, a little pain could be kinky but in this case? It was just annoying as hell as my body flipped over in a vault, and I felt skin tearing as I let go, felt myself falling.
My body jarred at the impact of my feet hitting the ground and I looked back at the yard. Okay, so fences make that rattling noise...and Jerry was calling for Tom and Ben...or whoever as I took off running for the car.
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The Slayer. The only slayer now.
I shook the disracting thoughts out of my head, praying to the powers that be that we'd get out of here. I was unwilling to let Dawn down, or Faith for that matter. If she got caught now there's no telling how things would end up for her.
I jumped into the drivers seat, cranked the car up and within seconds she was beside me. I took off, as fast as I could, we were lucky we were so quick, I was a good ways away from the prision before I heard the faint sound of sirens.
"I'm going to take some back roads to Sunnydale, we'll stop outside the city and leave my car somewhere." I did hope to get it back afterall.
"We'll have to make our way into down on foot while it's still dark."
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I just nodded at what Angel was saying, looking back slightly upon hearing sirens. "Damn, they don't waste time do they." I ran a hand through my tangled hair, wincing as a bit of hair snagged on what I just knew was a not shallow cut. "I think I shoulda risked the hernia."
Sighing, I leaned back in my seat a bit and rubbed my forehead. "I guess all potty break stops are now outta the question then?" I drawled a bit sarcastically. "Just whatever man... whatever..."
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Hell I could smell her fear.
But I knew they had no idea where we were. It was the route I was taking that kept us near the lights.
Once we were clear of them I slowed down a little bit, not realizing how fast I'd been going or how tightly clenched my hands were on the stearing wheel.
"You ok?" I looked at her out of the corner of my eye.
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It was the easiest answer, not really the truth. I couldn't just break down in tears and yell about getting caught and if I was caught what they'd do to me and how I wasn't ready. No, I had a perfect image of casual indifference. "Yeah, I am. I'm okay, a little shook up but I'm cool Angel."
He hadn't asked me another question but I could imagine the patient waiting for me to break with the truth expression on his face. "Goddamnit Angel, I'm okay! Just, just keep your focus on driving because if we get caught, it will be so your fault."
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She knew me better than to lie to me, or at least to think I'd believe it. So I just drove, eyes on the road, watching her from the corner of my eye, waiting.
It was easier to focus on helping faith than to face the reality of why we were even together at that momment.
"Goddamnit Angel, I'm okay! Just, just keep your focus on driving because if we get caught, it will be so your fault."
I sighed.
"I'm not going to let anyone catch you Faith. I don't care what I have to do."
I heard her scoff at me. I would have pulled over to look at her and tell her that I was serious.
"Faith. I'm not going to let that happen alright. Trust me. And I know your not ok. We've got a drive, if you want to sit in silence then that's what we'll do."
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I glanced back at the souled vampire with an unreadable expression. Trust...such a weird words in and of itsself. One syllable but deeper than that really deep trench, Marietta...something, I forgot. One syllable but overflowing with broken promises and bitter memories.
And yet, I was supposed to Trust him . Biting my bottom lip I turned back to the window and carefully tucked the hair falling into my face, behind my ears. "I've spent too much time sitting in silence Angel, and I'm talkin' not even the sound of the road rushing by or bugs chirping quiet. Just dark silence and freakin' cold concrete...ya know, the type that makes you jittery and blank at the same time?"
I was not making sense, and I knew it...but it was something to do, to talk about. "So, sitting...without talkin' might just ki-" I couldn't say the word kill, everytime I thought the word, I saw flashes of blond hair, grimaces, the sound of stakes meeting their targets. My eyes slid shut and I swallowed. "She's gone Angel." I laughed weakly. "Always thought she'd outlive me...that's how it was supposed to be."
In my dreams that is how it always was.
I opened my eyes to stare at the road rushing by. "That's how it was supposed to be..." And my voice, is a pathetic whispers.
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I did know actually. I'd been trapped inside a world of self loathing, hatred. Shying away from humanity and all that it entailed. But I didn't know what she was going through, not exactly and I refused to pretend that I did.
"I have some idea." I replied. The last thing I wanted to do was alienate Faith. We were both a pile of emotions that we didn't want to let out.
"So, sitting...without talkin' might just ki-"
She stopped, as if the word pained her and I knew what she was thinking. Yet there was nothing I could say.
"She's gone Angel. Always thought she'd outlive me...that's how it was supposed to be."
I felt another surge of rage pass over me, thinking of Buffy in the past tense was never going to get easy. Losing her once was hard even though it was for a mere minute, then again, and now a third time? I wasn't sure I could keep up my calm persona.
"I wanted her to outlive me." I replied honestly not realizing how much my voice broke.
"That's how it was supposed to be..."
I could hear how helpless she felt. Even with everything she and Buffy had been through, they had a connection no one else would ever have been able to touch. Just as I felt Buffy and I did.
"I trashed the hotel." I admitted to her, keeping my eyes on the road, attempting to keep a mask on my face.
"It was unrecognizable when I left. I've always dealt with pent up anger, emotions begging me to break free and hurt someone. I've always been able to control them. I've lost her three times now ... She wasn't suppose to die like that, some kid with a gun? She was suppose to die in battle, fighting ..."
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I arched an eyebrow. "Dayum, all I did was break a pool table and jack up the rec room...."
"It was unrecognizable when I left. I've always dealt with pent up anger, emotions begging me to break free and hurt someone. I've always been able to control them. I've lost her three times now ... She wasn't suppose to die like that, some kid with a gun? She was suppose to die in battle, fighting ..."
I think I started laughing, no scratch that, I know I started laughing dryly, a nice hoarse laugh the kind that was formed from not knowing what to do with your voice and the chaos of emotions rushing through your head. "They always say, third times the charm..." The words felt wrong, raw and acidic.
My jaw set as I braved a look down to my hands. "That kid, he's been taken care of right?" I let my hands curl into fists, ignoring the bite of my nails digging into the gashes. "The one with the gun, he's no longer in the picture?"
I had to know, if he wasn't, I don't think I could trust myself to just be cool with the idea of Buffy's murderer running around, celebrating his kill. "I always thought, well heh..gonna sound like a completely pussy here, but thought when I finally got outta jail, she'd still be alive ya know? So I could do the whole say sorry thing and take over the slaying gig for her and let her live her normal life, see her grow old and fat and happy, to die Happy, truely happy and peacefully."
I rolled my eyes. "I blame those delusions on losing my mind in that hell hole."
Then I fell silent once more, staring out my window once more. "I used to dream about her Angel..."
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She started to laugh, and I knew she was trying like hell to deal with this without getting too emotional.
"That kid, he's been taken care of right? The one with the gun, he's no longer in the picture?"
I shook my head. "Not yet, but he'll pay. I promised Dawn as much. I will ..."
The thought burned my mind, making someone pay for killing my only chance at happiness was something I wouldn't have even imagined I'd be able to do. But now, the need burned hotter than the thought.
"I always thought, well heh..gonna sound like a completely pussy here, but thought when I finally got outta jail, she'd still be alive ya know? So I could do the whole say sorry thing and take over the slaying gig for her and let her live her normal life, see her grow old and fat and happy, to die Happy, truely happy and peacefully."
I nodded. "You don't sound like anything but human Faith."
Truth was I envied her, she had the power to give Buffy a chance at that happiness, and I never would. Despite the two instances being entirely different, I still envied her.
"I blame those delusions on losing my mind in that hell hole."
"I wouldn't call them delusions." I added.
After a moment of silence she spoke again.
"I used to dream about her Angel..."
I darted my eye to her, seeing how she was trying to hold her emotions below the surface, I knew the look was mirrored on my face.
I never went a night without Buffy making an appearance in my dreams. It made my dreams worth while.
"What kind of dreams?"
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Wow...what a question, and there was no way in hell I was gonna say 'Well, for starters...dream Buffy's got one helluva tongue' Nope, doing the coping with her loss thing with one of her ex's so did *not* involve talkin' about dream executed fantasies.
"Um...dreams where stuff was different. Like, sometimes we would be fighting, side by side, knowing that we got eachother's backs without any shady being suspicious or hiding shit. Then sometimes, life would be normal...like there didn't even have to be a point to the dream just sit for what seems like hours, doing nothing but laying next to each other and staring at the same damn thing but seeing it differently. And it was okay, it was okay to see things differently because in the end, the thing never changed."
I began to pick at a scabbing over gash on one hand and shrugged. "Never figured out what that thing was..guess it never mattered. Just it didn't matter because how badly I fucked up never mattered then, it was just..it never...mattered."
The idle picking to give myself something do got old fast, and like I really needed to be bleeding in a car with a vamp. Soul or no soul, blood is still blood.
I let my eyes slide shut. "Angel? Do you think...ya know, if she was still alive.." I swallowed. "Do you think she would've finally forgiven me...given me a chance?"
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"Um...dreams where stuff was different. Like, sometimes we would be fighting, side by side, knowing that we got eachother's backs without any shady being suspicious or hiding shit. Then sometimes, life would be normal...like there didn't even have to be a point to the dream just sit for what seems like hours, doing nothing but laying next to each other and staring at the same damn thing but seeing it differently. And it was okay, it was okay to see things differently because in the end, the thing never changed."
I nodded, understanding what she meant without difficulty.
"Never figured out what that thing was..guess it never mattered. Just it didn't matter because how badly I fucked up never mattered then, it was just..it never...mattered."
I watched the road, lights seemed to echo off the car and pull back as if we were untouchable, this momment was somehow in rememberance of a woman who time would never forget.
Angel? Do you think...ya know, if she was still alive.. Do you think she would've finally forgiven me...given me a chance?"
She almost sounded like a child. As if Buffy was her mother and the last thing she'd said to her was something mean. Asking if she knew ...
"She always believed in you Faith. Even when you hurt each other she believed in you. It may have seemed that she gave up but she never did. You meant more to her than you'll ever know, than I'll ever know. I don't think forgiveness was ever the issue."
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