One of these moments...
Quite a dissociative day today. One of those days spent looking in to your life from the outside wondering whether this is really you going through all these motions, whether it is supposed to be you? What makes someone feel alive? It is just so utterly disorienting having some of the most beautiful times in my life merged with some of the most frustrating. I know I tend to wax lyrical in these kinds of entries rather than saying what I really feel, don't know which course of action is more banal really. Ultimately it comes down to knowing the meaning of control. Knowing the things you can control about your life and the things you can't. This is something I have yet to figure out. Looking for black and whiten ways out in a world which is fundametally grey is a rather pointless endeavour really. Maybe I'm just lost without drama and misery, who knows? Some people's wallets really are too small for their 50s. Validation comes in many forms, some people have to be miserable in order to feel like themselves. Maybe its just years and years of ingrained guilt. Who can say?