What If
I had a video link conversation with Zoue, Kelly and Lisa sitting in a café in Montréal. Walked London with Jordan or Kevin. Saw Sam again. Spent the night at Vini and Vince’s. Went for a walk in the morning with Jack - silent, a plastic bag in my pocket to collect his poo. Listened to the piano in a café, by myself, my journal open in front of me. Then Tony arrived, wearing his glasses and his cheeky smile. Ate fish and chips in the park, can of lager by our side. Seagulls far from the sea and too many pigeons. Hester came to visit and we walked around Brick Lane and looked at fabrics. Rachel cycled down from Stoke Newington after work. David met us and we had a pint. What’s on the telly? Didn’t have time to watch it. The sun set later because it was summer. London was out and about, buses full, pedestrians gone back to normal. Stopped by the BHF to visit old work colleagues. The end of the world hadn't come. The piano played on. Then old colleagues and I went for a run in Regent’s Park, like the good old days. But I didn’t have a place to shower afterwards so I went anyways to Vault 139 reeking of sweat. Was popular with the boys. Walked past the Camden Arts Centre and thought of Becka. The other Becka called to confirm I would attend the book club reunion. Saw someone I went to school with in Hong Kong on the bus. She recognised me. Saw a guy I hooked up with on Grindr on the train platform. He didn’t recognise me. Saw men walk down Mile End after sun set, heading for the more shaded parts of the park. Knew what they were getting up to. Got invited to Sarah and CJ’s for a horror film marathon. Went. Ate a veggie burger, felt part of life, carried on drinking a big can of Coke, it would never end. Asked if I could sleep on the floor. Helped with breakfast in the morning. Had somewhere to go, visit Kirsten in Bromley. Suzi came too as she had to see her mom who lived nearby. Read Zen sayings in the tube. Meditated with eyes closed so as not to stare at commuters sitting across from me. Wished the newsagent had a literary journal for sale, like the Paris Review. It was ages since I had read one. Thought of back home and how my brother was coping with mom. Ran in my mind through the steps needed to return to the airport. Wondered if Bia was still in Hampstead and if she would like to meet up for a walk. Reminisced about Tobi, Debbie and Flavia - gone too soon. Thought of their lovers, children and pets. Thought of my own vagabond life and if that’s what I wanted, if I shouldn’t have stayed behind in the guesthouse. Thought of living in New Zealand after London so I could be near Steph and VJ and their little daughters. Wanted to do yoga but couldn’t find an affordable gym. Kept walking around London and being surprised by its changes, and the lack of change. Wondered what it must have been like to be there during the pandemic. Stared at the Big Ben, at the London Eye, at the snaking tourist lines. Ran for cover when it started to rain. Found a gay pub in Old Compton Street and eyed the men. Said hello to Tadas and Pedro when they arrived. Drank too much white wine and thought I’d be sick. Agreed with Robbie to keep on going until all the pubs were shut.