nov. 4th
My mother would have been 60 years old today.
She would have gotten a call from me while I sit in an overstuffed leather chair, in a reading room in a quaint English cottage. I would have told her about my job and what it's like out here, and she would have laughed and asked to hear more. Maybe she'd have come out here to visit me. She probably never would have left, if she had. I'd have e-mailed her pictures and she would have been unable to open them because she was terrible with computers -- and we both would have had a good laugh over it.
The current state of my life is exactly what she wanted me to have. It's what she wanted for herself, too. It came 13 years too late, but I like to believe she's seeing this right now and smiling anyway. She deserved it more than I did, I think.
She would have loved Bavaria and Switzerland. When I was small, she'd make me watch "The Sound Of Music" with her over and over. Her dream was to visit the land where the movie took place. When she was ill and my Swiss aunt flew over to visit, she'd see pictures and tell my mom stories about visiting the Alps. Ma would say she couldn't wait to get better so she could see them. I saw them 13 years later; I'm thinking I should go back and get a picture, then leave it on her grave when I get back. It's a poor substitute for the real thing but it's the best that I can do. Yep, that's the best I can do for the woman who worked her ass off for half her life, to feed & clothe my ungrateful ass: A picture on her grave. I try not to let that get to me.
My mom deserved better and I've never forgotten that. I can't do right by her because she's gone, but I remind myself that I can do better by other people. It's a small tribute at best, sometimes it doesn't feel like enough, but it's all I can offer. Maybe someday I'll find out if it was enough.
She would have gotten a call from me while I sit in an overstuffed leather chair, in a reading room in a quaint English cottage. I would have told her about my job and what it's like out here, and she would have laughed and asked to hear more. Maybe she'd have come out here to visit me. She probably never would have left, if she had. I'd have e-mailed her pictures and she would have been unable to open them because she was terrible with computers -- and we both would have had a good laugh over it.
The current state of my life is exactly what she wanted me to have. It's what she wanted for herself, too. It came 13 years too late, but I like to believe she's seeing this right now and smiling anyway. She deserved it more than I did, I think.
She would have loved Bavaria and Switzerland. When I was small, she'd make me watch "The Sound Of Music" with her over and over. Her dream was to visit the land where the movie took place. When she was ill and my Swiss aunt flew over to visit, she'd see pictures and tell my mom stories about visiting the Alps. Ma would say she couldn't wait to get better so she could see them. I saw them 13 years later; I'm thinking I should go back and get a picture, then leave it on her grave when I get back. It's a poor substitute for the real thing but it's the best that I can do. Yep, that's the best I can do for the woman who worked her ass off for half her life, to feed & clothe my ungrateful ass: A picture on her grave. I try not to let that get to me.
My mom deserved better and I've never forgotten that. I can't do right by her because she's gone, but I remind myself that I can do better by other people. It's a small tribute at best, sometimes it doesn't feel like enough, but it's all I can offer. Maybe someday I'll find out if it was enough.