WHEREIN pico decides to copypasta and explain some acey thoughts
So. I just took this guy's survey on asexuality, and I'm finding some of my answers interesting. I'll copypasta 'em down here for the curious, and I'll note any commentary at the end.
~:~
THE QUESTION:
17. If you were explaining asexuality to someone, what things do you feel it is most important to distinguish asexuality from? (list up to 10 items)
MY ANSWER:
1. asexuality is an orientation, not a choice
2. asexuality is not celibacy
3. asexuality is not homosexuality or bisexuality or etc
4. asexuality is not agenderedness
5. asexulity is not a disability
6. asexuality is not a mental disorder
7. asexuality is not "have some sex and it'll be fixed!"
8. asexuality is not prudishness
9 asexuality is not "waiting til *" (*=marriage, finding "the right one", etc)
10. asexuality is not something that'll go away when it's inconvenient
~:~
THE QUESTION:
18. If you were giving a 50 minute presentation on asexuality, and you were talking about different kinds of asexuals and about related-identities, what concepts/identities/terms do you think are the most important ones to tell people about (i.e. the ones that you want to be sure to include in your presentation)?
(Feel free to write as much or as little as you want.)
MY ANSWER:
as a teacher, I do better with people asking me questions and me clarifying those points, so I'll keep this fairly brief:
+ the most important thing to know is that asexuality is not a choice. people get this wrong all the time. you don't decide "I will Not Have Sex" and bigod you certainly don't decide "I will Not Want Sex" (this second mostly because for people who decide this but do want it, it's a trial to deal with. there's no difficulty in not having sex for asexuals. it's sort of a default state)
+ it's sort of like missing wiring. the machine works fine, the plumbing's all in order, it's just this cluster of wires isn't there, and so that function of hte plumbing exists but isn't necessary.
+ asexuality is a spectrum, just like everything else. there's degrees of non-interest and there's degrees of acceptable acts and there's degrees of romnticism and there's degrees of gender-tie-in and there's degrees of what people want or are willing to put up with. there's asexuals who don't want anything to do with sex, since it doesn't make any sense, and there's asexuals who figure, since it's part of how the 99% live their lives, that they should make a shot at it. there's asexuals who have no sex drive and don't want one, there's asexuals who have a sex drive and deal with it in their own way, and there's asexuals who take things on a case-by-case basis. there's curious asexuals, repulsed asexuals, indifferent asexuals, aces with romantic feelings, aces with no reason for romance, aces who jsut don't give a damn, aces who give many damns indeed.
+ asexuality is not homosexuality or any other sexuality, since those ones include, y'know, sexual attraction as a factor. there's romanticism: romantic attraction to certain people or genders. the difference: romanticism: "can't get this person out of my head!" sexual attraction: "wanna get this person into my bed!"
+ celibacy is the choice not to have sex, for whatever reason. in asexuality, choice is not the reason for your not-wanting-sex. it's a default setting, as opposed to a custom setting.
+ that said, it's not a disability, either. if you don't need or want sex, then you're not missing anything. people who need or want sex would miss it if the need were taken away, but for us, it's not taken away, it's not there in the first place, so it's sort of "well ... I guess you can do that if you want to". it's seen as superfluous, whereas for sexual people it's seen as an urge or a need.
+ having sex, for an asexual, is not some Great And Powerful Culmination Of Feelings. It's just ... sex. with overtones of "why the hell would anyone want to do this" and "god this is boring" and "this is some silly shit" and "what do you expect me to do?"
+ that above being a main point, and bringing me to the last point (that I'm going to type out; I've gotta go do stuff): asexuality is not a thing that magically disappears once a certain critical level of love/romanticism/attraction/hotness is reached. you can be as attracted as you want to a person and still not feel the need to canoodle. you can be totally head-over-heels with them and still not feel any shred of "let's sex". you can be in the perfect situation or opportunity for sex and just not want to, since it's ... a thing you don't think about nor care about, and if it's introduced into the equation, it's like a sour apple, because it's a confusingly useless thing that doesn't need to be part of these perfectly nice feelings. like, "dammit, why do you need this? it's working perfectly well without it!", because from your view, it is. it IS inconvenient to be asexual in some situations, because your partner clearly wants this thing that makes no sense to you. but you can't change how your brain is wired. and if the wiring isn't there, you can consult the manual all you want - you're still not going to feel it.
~:~
THE QUESTION:
19. ) In asexuality-related communities, people often talk about different kinds of attraction. What do you think is the most commonly used classification of types of attraction used in asexual communities?
MY ANSWER:
Your response should be a list should of terms of the form "______ attraction." Please provide a brief definition or description of each.
sexual attraction: wanting to have sex with someone
romantic attraction: wanting to be in a romantic situation/relationship with someone
THE QUESTION:
20. If you had to write a 5 page essay on how you personally think about different kinds of attraction, what kinds of attraction would you include? Please list these and briefly/describe define each.
MY ANSWER:
sexual attraction: wanting to have sex with someone
romantic attraction: wanting to be in a romantic situation/relationship with someone
mental attraction: "your brain is the awesomest and I want to talk to you forever about everything"
physical attraction: wanting to be physically involved with someone (for sexuals, this involves sex, for aces this does not)
THE QUESTION:
21. Some people believe that various kinds of attraction talked about in asexuality-related communities are fundamentally different from each other, but other people believe that they are basically the same thing and only differ by degree. For the kinds of attraction you listed in the previous question, do you believe that scientists either will find evidence or have already found evidence to support the idea that these are fundamentally different from each other? (Feel free to write as much or as little as you would like.)
I figure so. we're still learning a lot about the brain. and I know if so many people experience a similar differentiation in romantic-versus-sexual attractions, then it can't all be bunkum.
~:~:~:~:~:~:~
MY NOTES:
Ques. 17 is sort of a basic overview of what asexuality is not. That doesn't mean that aces don't have those as well - everything in life is a Venn Diagram! :D - but just that asexuality is not equal to those things.
Ques 18. took me a bit, but these're the main points I would go over in my PPT about asexuality 101. I think if I were to do so, these would be the main slides, and then there'd be a couple collary slides after these, and then I'd have Q&A/Discussion after each slide.
Ques. 19 and 20 are the difference between me and the wider ace community - I don't know where they stand right now about physical and mental, but I know how I stand.
-- Mental attraction is what's most likely to lead me to like/be friends with a person. "You've got cool ideas on things! I wanna spend time with you and find out those cool ideas and discuss everything!" I hesitate to say this is what makes everybody be friends only because I know that, for some people, talking ideas isn't an inimical part of a friendship. (I can't imagine why, but there's some poor souls who live like that, ;p )
-- physical attraction is what leads me to want to be in a relationship with someone. I do like the idea/process of being physical with someone I'm attracted to; it's a big distinction between friends and romantic interests for me: there's a level of physicality I'm interested in with romantic etc that with simple friends is just - not even on the radar. I can get leany or hand-holdy with chinese friends because that's what chinese same-gender friends do (between genders there's little to no physical contact), but I don't feel any particular need to do so. (I'm not a very huggy person.)
Ques. 21 is just sort of common sense.
~:~
THE QUESTION:
17. If you were explaining asexuality to someone, what things do you feel it is most important to distinguish asexuality from? (list up to 10 items)
MY ANSWER:
1. asexuality is an orientation, not a choice
2. asexuality is not celibacy
3. asexuality is not homosexuality or bisexuality or etc
4. asexuality is not agenderedness
5. asexulity is not a disability
6. asexuality is not a mental disorder
7. asexuality is not "have some sex and it'll be fixed!"
8. asexuality is not prudishness
9 asexuality is not "waiting til *" (*=marriage, finding "the right one", etc)
10. asexuality is not something that'll go away when it's inconvenient
~:~
THE QUESTION:
18. If you were giving a 50 minute presentation on asexuality, and you were talking about different kinds of asexuals and about related-identities, what concepts/identities/terms do you think are the most important ones to tell people about (i.e. the ones that you want to be sure to include in your presentation)?
(Feel free to write as much or as little as you want.)
MY ANSWER:
as a teacher, I do better with people asking me questions and me clarifying those points, so I'll keep this fairly brief:
+ the most important thing to know is that asexuality is not a choice. people get this wrong all the time. you don't decide "I will Not Have Sex" and bigod you certainly don't decide "I will Not Want Sex" (this second mostly because for people who decide this but do want it, it's a trial to deal with. there's no difficulty in not having sex for asexuals. it's sort of a default state)
+ it's sort of like missing wiring. the machine works fine, the plumbing's all in order, it's just this cluster of wires isn't there, and so that function of hte plumbing exists but isn't necessary.
+ asexuality is a spectrum, just like everything else. there's degrees of non-interest and there's degrees of acceptable acts and there's degrees of romnticism and there's degrees of gender-tie-in and there's degrees of what people want or are willing to put up with. there's asexuals who don't want anything to do with sex, since it doesn't make any sense, and there's asexuals who figure, since it's part of how the 99% live their lives, that they should make a shot at it. there's asexuals who have no sex drive and don't want one, there's asexuals who have a sex drive and deal with it in their own way, and there's asexuals who take things on a case-by-case basis. there's curious asexuals, repulsed asexuals, indifferent asexuals, aces with romantic feelings, aces with no reason for romance, aces who jsut don't give a damn, aces who give many damns indeed.
+ asexuality is not homosexuality or any other sexuality, since those ones include, y'know, sexual attraction as a factor. there's romanticism: romantic attraction to certain people or genders. the difference: romanticism: "can't get this person out of my head!" sexual attraction: "wanna get this person into my bed!"
+ celibacy is the choice not to have sex, for whatever reason. in asexuality, choice is not the reason for your not-wanting-sex. it's a default setting, as opposed to a custom setting.
+ that said, it's not a disability, either. if you don't need or want sex, then you're not missing anything. people who need or want sex would miss it if the need were taken away, but for us, it's not taken away, it's not there in the first place, so it's sort of "well ... I guess you can do that if you want to". it's seen as superfluous, whereas for sexual people it's seen as an urge or a need.
+ having sex, for an asexual, is not some Great And Powerful Culmination Of Feelings. It's just ... sex. with overtones of "why the hell would anyone want to do this" and "god this is boring" and "this is some silly shit" and "what do you expect me to do?"
+ that above being a main point, and bringing me to the last point (that I'm going to type out; I've gotta go do stuff): asexuality is not a thing that magically disappears once a certain critical level of love/romanticism/attraction/hotness is reached. you can be as attracted as you want to a person and still not feel the need to canoodle. you can be totally head-over-heels with them and still not feel any shred of "let's sex". you can be in the perfect situation or opportunity for sex and just not want to, since it's ... a thing you don't think about nor care about, and if it's introduced into the equation, it's like a sour apple, because it's a confusingly useless thing that doesn't need to be part of these perfectly nice feelings. like, "dammit, why do you need this? it's working perfectly well without it!", because from your view, it is. it IS inconvenient to be asexual in some situations, because your partner clearly wants this thing that makes no sense to you. but you can't change how your brain is wired. and if the wiring isn't there, you can consult the manual all you want - you're still not going to feel it.
~:~
THE QUESTION:
19. ) In asexuality-related communities, people often talk about different kinds of attraction. What do you think is the most commonly used classification of types of attraction used in asexual communities?
MY ANSWER:
Your response should be a list should of terms of the form "______ attraction." Please provide a brief definition or description of each.
sexual attraction: wanting to have sex with someone
romantic attraction: wanting to be in a romantic situation/relationship with someone
THE QUESTION:
20. If you had to write a 5 page essay on how you personally think about different kinds of attraction, what kinds of attraction would you include? Please list these and briefly/describe define each.
MY ANSWER:
sexual attraction: wanting to have sex with someone
romantic attraction: wanting to be in a romantic situation/relationship with someone
mental attraction: "your brain is the awesomest and I want to talk to you forever about everything"
physical attraction: wanting to be physically involved with someone (for sexuals, this involves sex, for aces this does not)
THE QUESTION:
21. Some people believe that various kinds of attraction talked about in asexuality-related communities are fundamentally different from each other, but other people believe that they are basically the same thing and only differ by degree. For the kinds of attraction you listed in the previous question, do you believe that scientists either will find evidence or have already found evidence to support the idea that these are fundamentally different from each other? (Feel free to write as much or as little as you would like.)
I figure so. we're still learning a lot about the brain. and I know if so many people experience a similar differentiation in romantic-versus-sexual attractions, then it can't all be bunkum.
~:~:~:~:~:~:~
MY NOTES:
Ques. 17 is sort of a basic overview of what asexuality is not. That doesn't mean that aces don't have those as well - everything in life is a Venn Diagram! :D - but just that asexuality is not equal to those things.
Ques 18. took me a bit, but these're the main points I would go over in my PPT about asexuality 101. I think if I were to do so, these would be the main slides, and then there'd be a couple collary slides after these, and then I'd have Q&A/Discussion after each slide.
Ques. 19 and 20 are the difference between me and the wider ace community - I don't know where they stand right now about physical and mental, but I know how I stand.
-- Mental attraction is what's most likely to lead me to like/be friends with a person. "You've got cool ideas on things! I wanna spend time with you and find out those cool ideas and discuss everything!" I hesitate to say this is what makes everybody be friends only because I know that, for some people, talking ideas isn't an inimical part of a friendship. (I can't imagine why, but there's some poor souls who live like that, ;p )
-- physical attraction is what leads me to want to be in a relationship with someone. I do like the idea/process of being physical with someone I'm attracted to; it's a big distinction between friends and romantic interests for me: there's a level of physicality I'm interested in with romantic etc that with simple friends is just - not even on the radar. I can get leany or hand-holdy with chinese friends because that's what chinese same-gender friends do (between genders there's little to no physical contact), but I don't feel any particular need to do so. (I'm not a very huggy person.)
Ques. 21 is just sort of common sense.