nolite bastardes carborundorum
frustration.
today was a Day. details later, tldr: was false-advertised into planting shrubs in forest and ended up, in frustration, pulling a "look it's not so hard to pick up your own trash". Woke at 5.15 for that, was rained on, hailed on, stomped around in mud and rain all day. At least the mountains were pretty. after that -- back, food, chorus. 5hr practice. most songs okay, one we're going to exchange with the coming school is a no, though - I can't fucking sing it at all, it's a capella pop, and I can't sing pop for balls. Also, Bass Dude was singing closeby (why is our chorus arranged so that he sings right behind me aaaa) and I felt multiply embarrassed singing so shitty right next to him. Also also, there was a point where choir leader (setting up dance moves) says "okay now X boy hugs this girl and Y boy (Bass Dude) hugs pico" and I'm like "whatwhat" and choir leader's like "oh okay nevermind Y boy hug Z girl" and I'm like "whatwhat" because really I don't know anymore, my brain is interested but not in the same way as last spring (thank fucking fuck because I'm sick of this) but there's no denying that my goddamn brain is still goddamn attracted and I feel like a fucking ass because I can't even goddamn make eye contact and I feel like a total dumbass and like I can't even get this shit right and I've got three classes tomorrow and three on Tuesday and our exchange school comes some people on Mon some people on Wed and we have two concerts this week, Wed and Thurs, and it's the last week of Public Speaking (thank fuck for small favours) but I've got two hours of class right before both concerts and so I'll have to miss some practice and I have been awake since 5.15 and I still haven't done any of my chinese HW for tomorrow's class nor have I prepped tomorrow's teaching class about Personal Statements and it's midnight.
FUCK
ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLll
The saving grace is that I taught this shit last year, I can do this. I've got a Powerpoint I wrote up last year ("Personal Statements: What They Are; How to Write Them; Questions to Ask; General Advice"), and my plan from last year - all's I have to do is get up at a reasonable hour, look over the PPT, look over my last year's lesson plan, update it to this year, and add a Slang Of The Day. I can introduce the students to my plans for the Final Projects as well (option 1.) put together a full Study Abroad Application (PS, TS, Resume, Ref. letter); option 2.) write a story of (x) length (I'm thinking ~3 scenes)), as well as to my Journal plan (that is: nix journals for the final two weeks - this gives me 5 journals for my sopnhomores and 10 journals for my juniors, and that is so much easier to grade than 6 and 12 -- also, two weeks for me to grade my Everything Else!). I like this. I'll do this.
But now I'll go to bed. And get my ass up right early and do the above. And then go to class. And then come back from class, eat, do my homework, and go to class. And then come back from class and then go to class. And then come back from class and find out if chorus-exchange guy* wishes to meet for eats or greets or any.
*ugh remind me to tell you how he is one of the approx 2 or 3 people in the world next to whom I feel completely tiny because he is so damn articulate and also damn smart and gracious and okay I feel all clumsy and ungainly and simple-talking and unable and I'm just going to crawl into a hole sorry for bothering you**
**and this is unusual because PICO NEVER THINKS LIKE THIS, except with those 2 or 3 people in the world next to whom, lol, why do I bother even talking oh god
okay
i feel tiny
and like i do not know anything
I am going to bed now
(makes herself into a caterpillar of blankets and slithers away)
today was a Day. details later, tldr: was false-advertised into planting shrubs in forest and ended up, in frustration, pulling a "look it's not so hard to pick up your own trash". Woke at 5.15 for that, was rained on, hailed on, stomped around in mud and rain all day. At least the mountains were pretty. after that -- back, food, chorus. 5hr practice. most songs okay, one we're going to exchange with the coming school is a no, though - I can't fucking sing it at all, it's a capella pop, and I can't sing pop for balls. Also, Bass Dude was singing closeby (why is our chorus arranged so that he sings right behind me aaaa) and I felt multiply embarrassed singing so shitty right next to him. Also also, there was a point where choir leader (setting up dance moves) says "okay now X boy hugs this girl and Y boy (Bass Dude) hugs pico" and I'm like "whatwhat" and choir leader's like "oh okay nevermind Y boy hug Z girl" and I'm like "whatwhat" because really I don't know anymore, my brain is interested but not in the same way as last spring (thank fucking fuck because I'm sick of this) but there's no denying that my goddamn brain is still goddamn attracted and I feel like a fucking ass because I can't even goddamn make eye contact and I feel like a total dumbass and like I can't even get this shit right and I've got three classes tomorrow and three on Tuesday and our exchange school comes some people on Mon some people on Wed and we have two concerts this week, Wed and Thurs, and it's the last week of Public Speaking (thank fuck for small favours) but I've got two hours of class right before both concerts and so I'll have to miss some practice and I have been awake since 5.15 and I still haven't done any of my chinese HW for tomorrow's class nor have I prepped tomorrow's teaching class about Personal Statements and it's midnight.
FUCK
ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLll
The saving grace is that I taught this shit last year, I can do this. I've got a Powerpoint I wrote up last year ("Personal Statements: What They Are; How to Write Them; Questions to Ask; General Advice"), and my plan from last year - all's I have to do is get up at a reasonable hour, look over the PPT, look over my last year's lesson plan, update it to this year, and add a Slang Of The Day. I can introduce the students to my plans for the Final Projects as well (option 1.) put together a full Study Abroad Application (PS, TS, Resume, Ref. letter); option 2.) write a story of (x) length (I'm thinking ~3 scenes)), as well as to my Journal plan (that is: nix journals for the final two weeks - this gives me 5 journals for my sopnhomores and 10 journals for my juniors, and that is so much easier to grade than 6 and 12 -- also, two weeks for me to grade my Everything Else!). I like this. I'll do this.
But now I'll go to bed. And get my ass up right early and do the above. And then go to class. And then come back from class, eat, do my homework, and go to class. And then come back from class and then go to class. And then come back from class and find out if chorus-exchange guy* wishes to meet for eats or greets or any.
*ugh remind me to tell you how he is one of the approx 2 or 3 people in the world next to whom I feel completely tiny because he is so damn articulate and also damn smart and gracious and okay I feel all clumsy and ungainly and simple-talking and unable and I'm just going to crawl into a hole sorry for bothering you**
**and this is unusual because PICO NEVER THINKS LIKE THIS, except with those 2 or 3 people in the world next to whom, lol, why do I bother even talking oh god
okay
i feel tiny
and like i do not know anything
I am going to bed now
(makes herself into a caterpillar of blankets and slithers away)