taking not a job, but classes
This entry started out very la-di-da, but I am not feeling very flip right now, so it isn't anymore.
Why am I here?
That's the $64million question. Anyway, that's the question I need to ask.
I need to ask it for a lot of reasons. I need to ask it because I've been getting a lot of job offers lately. Some of the usual type, the ones where colleagues or people who feel they've got guanxi with you come up and ask, "will you teach my four-year-old?", and no I will not, for a lot of reasons. Liability. Expectations. Money being optional, and the bargaining inherent in getting a good deal resulting in lower rates for the teacher. Tiger-momming. It being considered My Fault if a four-year-old child does not understand me (because they have never learnt English before and this is a wim) or retain my teachings (because you remember everything from when you're four!). And the inescapable fact that having a private English teacher for your Child is a huge status symbol, and it doesn't matter who the teacher is or whether they even speak English well just as long as they Look The Right Kind of Foreign and you can be seen in their company being able to say "under my employ." And, as my dad so succintly put it, Pico doesn't want to be anyone's status symbol.
(There is a certain amount to which being so is inescapable anyway - being an employee of a big school, etc - but hell if I'mna take a private job where that's half the point of me being employed.)
Anyway. There've also been two and a half job-recs from colleagues, both-and-a-half with schools known to be good, good teachers, good contracts, good workspace, good duties. Hours a little hard - they'd take up weekends - but that's it.
Why wouldn't I take these jobs?
Why am I here?
I'm not here for money.
That's obvious, for someone on the other side, reading this. It's obvious if you know my plans. Hell, it's obvious if you know me, given my spending habits and how I live and what I care about. So, not money.
And the only reason for jobs is money.
I mean, so here's the thing. This is why I'm hesitating, and this is why I'm reminding myself, and this is why I'm writing this post:
It is damn easy for forget when you're isolated.
Which sounds dramatic and blargh and silly and illogical, but it's true. You live day-to-day here, and you get used to the pattern of work, relax, hang with friends, study what you can, don't worry if you don't understand everything. You fall into a this-is-my-life pattern, forgetting that, actually, according to what I overall want, this-is-my-life-temporarily. No, my life's not on hold while I'm in China. But this is not what I want to do or be when I'm fifty, or even when I'm thirty. Being an English teacher is not my goal in life; living permanently in China is not my intention. I know this. I know it when I think about it, but I forget.
I'm curious if this forgetting thing happens to other people living long-term abroad elsewhere. Well, hell, probably it does, given the existance of phrases like "going native" and "old China hand" and all. People get used to something they're doing, and they consider, it's doing well by them, why not do it the rest of their life?
Hell, it's true, though. I've got a good life here. I've got a good damn salary, my students like me and my classes, I've got friends, I can sort of get the language, I can understand the social customs around me, I've got free housing with utilities paid for, my taxes are taken care of, I barely spend and so I've got a good pillow, everything.
Except I know that intellectually my brain will be more happy witha job that uses more of it. And I know I don't want to live in China long-term (and that's a post all it's own, but let's just say it's a combination of "once a laowai, always a laowai" and "problems inherent"). And I know I want to live in a place with trees. And I know I want to have people about i can have intellectual conversations with - ideas and books and politics and reasons, not just daily life and plans and people and food (because much as I'm happy to talk about those things, the former is what really gets me interested).
And so I know this is not my overall life. This is just a temporary part of it.
So why would I get another job?
Of infinitely more value, both immediate and long-term, is the idea of taking Chinese classes. There's places nearby where I could - hell, I could at the university, but there's places nearby where it costs less and the teaching is better. I need to improve my Chinese anyway, because as much as I can function, sure, day-to-day, I want more than that. I want to be able to have those ideas conversations. I want more than 80% understanding. I want all those sentences where I get everything but the main noun andverb - I want those to be clear to me. I want to be able to trawl the Chinese internet and get things, more than just a word or two. I want to be able to open a website and know how to navigate it, or open a newspaper and figure out an article. I want to eavesdrop. I want to converse. I want to not um. I want to know how to say what I want to say, not hesitate and blunder and upfuck my meaning. I want to be able to talk and listen and read and write, if not at the level of my English, then at least on the level of my Hungarian.
Goddammit, I've learned this language for seven years. I want to be able to understand it.
And yeah, I know it's not an overnight process, but that's why I need to take classes. I learn new words everyday, yeah. But I can't teach myself the proper grammar. I can't know when you use X word with X implications as opposed to Y word with Z implications. I can get the gist of things I look at or hear, but I want more than the gist. I want the whole thing.
Classes structure things like that. They also force you to work to a schedule, and to look at the language with a goal in mind. They impose a system of penalties and rewards, and thus immediately-applicable-to-you reasons why you Should Study This Now. They force you to work harder than you would on your own. They give you order.
So. Classes.
I will do those. See if I can have a one-month class, for November. Then December I can devote to grading and finishing the semester, and then the 21st I head home. I've already spoken about a contract for next year, and that'll get arranged in the next few weeks (in theory - must prod with emails about that).
So.
Classes.
(...Pico's going to be a student again!)
And after the philosophizing in the rest of this entry, I don't care if this is an anticlimax. Bla bla bla, Pico's not going to get a second job and she's going to take classes. but really, it's the obvious option. Any money I make here isn't going to get me very far in the States, esp. not in the DC area. Why not use it to increase my ability at a skill that will get me better somethings at home?
Why am I here?
That's the $64million question. Anyway, that's the question I need to ask.
I need to ask it for a lot of reasons. I need to ask it because I've been getting a lot of job offers lately. Some of the usual type, the ones where colleagues or people who feel they've got guanxi with you come up and ask, "will you teach my four-year-old?", and no I will not, for a lot of reasons. Liability. Expectations. Money being optional, and the bargaining inherent in getting a good deal resulting in lower rates for the teacher. Tiger-momming. It being considered My Fault if a four-year-old child does not understand me (because they have never learnt English before and this is a wim) or retain my teachings (because you remember everything from when you're four!). And the inescapable fact that having a private English teacher for your Child is a huge status symbol, and it doesn't matter who the teacher is or whether they even speak English well just as long as they Look The Right Kind of Foreign and you can be seen in their company being able to say "under my employ." And, as my dad so succintly put it, Pico doesn't want to be anyone's status symbol.
(There is a certain amount to which being so is inescapable anyway - being an employee of a big school, etc - but hell if I'mna take a private job where that's half the point of me being employed.)
Anyway. There've also been two and a half job-recs from colleagues, both-and-a-half with schools known to be good, good teachers, good contracts, good workspace, good duties. Hours a little hard - they'd take up weekends - but that's it.
Why wouldn't I take these jobs?
Why am I here?
I'm not here for money.
That's obvious, for someone on the other side, reading this. It's obvious if you know my plans. Hell, it's obvious if you know me, given my spending habits and how I live and what I care about. So, not money.
And the only reason for jobs is money.
I mean, so here's the thing. This is why I'm hesitating, and this is why I'm reminding myself, and this is why I'm writing this post:
It is damn easy for forget when you're isolated.
Which sounds dramatic and blargh and silly and illogical, but it's true. You live day-to-day here, and you get used to the pattern of work, relax, hang with friends, study what you can, don't worry if you don't understand everything. You fall into a this-is-my-life pattern, forgetting that, actually, according to what I overall want, this-is-my-life-temporarily. No, my life's not on hold while I'm in China. But this is not what I want to do or be when I'm fifty, or even when I'm thirty. Being an English teacher is not my goal in life; living permanently in China is not my intention. I know this. I know it when I think about it, but I forget.
I'm curious if this forgetting thing happens to other people living long-term abroad elsewhere. Well, hell, probably it does, given the existance of phrases like "going native" and "old China hand" and all. People get used to something they're doing, and they consider, it's doing well by them, why not do it the rest of their life?
Hell, it's true, though. I've got a good life here. I've got a good damn salary, my students like me and my classes, I've got friends, I can sort of get the language, I can understand the social customs around me, I've got free housing with utilities paid for, my taxes are taken care of, I barely spend and so I've got a good pillow, everything.
Except I know that intellectually my brain will be more happy witha job that uses more of it. And I know I don't want to live in China long-term (and that's a post all it's own, but let's just say it's a combination of "once a laowai, always a laowai" and "problems inherent"). And I know I want to live in a place with trees. And I know I want to have people about i can have intellectual conversations with - ideas and books and politics and reasons, not just daily life and plans and people and food (because much as I'm happy to talk about those things, the former is what really gets me interested).
And so I know this is not my overall life. This is just a temporary part of it.
So why would I get another job?
Of infinitely more value, both immediate and long-term, is the idea of taking Chinese classes. There's places nearby where I could - hell, I could at the university, but there's places nearby where it costs less and the teaching is better. I need to improve my Chinese anyway, because as much as I can function, sure, day-to-day, I want more than that. I want to be able to have those ideas conversations. I want more than 80% understanding. I want all those sentences where I get everything but the main noun andverb - I want those to be clear to me. I want to be able to trawl the Chinese internet and get things, more than just a word or two. I want to be able to open a website and know how to navigate it, or open a newspaper and figure out an article. I want to eavesdrop. I want to converse. I want to not um. I want to know how to say what I want to say, not hesitate and blunder and upfuck my meaning. I want to be able to talk and listen and read and write, if not at the level of my English, then at least on the level of my Hungarian.
Goddammit, I've learned this language for seven years. I want to be able to understand it.
And yeah, I know it's not an overnight process, but that's why I need to take classes. I learn new words everyday, yeah. But I can't teach myself the proper grammar. I can't know when you use X word with X implications as opposed to Y word with Z implications. I can get the gist of things I look at or hear, but I want more than the gist. I want the whole thing.
Classes structure things like that. They also force you to work to a schedule, and to look at the language with a goal in mind. They impose a system of penalties and rewards, and thus immediately-applicable-to-you reasons why you Should Study This Now. They force you to work harder than you would on your own. They give you order.
So. Classes.
I will do those. See if I can have a one-month class, for November. Then December I can devote to grading and finishing the semester, and then the 21st I head home. I've already spoken about a contract for next year, and that'll get arranged in the next few weeks (in theory - must prod with emails about that).
So.
Classes.
(...Pico's going to be a student again!)
And after the philosophizing in the rest of this entry, I don't care if this is an anticlimax. Bla bla bla, Pico's not going to get a second job and she's going to take classes. but really, it's the obvious option. Any money I make here isn't going to get me very far in the States, esp. not in the DC area. Why not use it to increase my ability at a skill that will get me better somethings at home?