This Vicious Cycle Chapter 20
So, I have a day left until I leave for the US. It's gonna be a long plane ride (I live on the other side of the world, btw) and I hope the time allows me to write TVC or even a new fic, old school style (i.e. pen and paper). There was a time that I could only write stuff with a pen and paper (staring at the computer screen blanked me out) but my brain decided to go with the times and upgrade.
Anyway, I promised to update before I leave so here it is...
The usual thanks to Suz for the beta. And the usual disclaimer that I don't own the show or any of the characters.
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CHAPTER TWENTY
“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” Addison admonished herself. She was slumped on the floor of a supply closet with tears running down her face. Just when Addison had let her guard down and allowed Derek to creep back in, this happens. She was ready to take him back, let go of her resentment and work on their marriage with her husband. But the latest development was just too hard to take. Meredith pregnant with Derek’s child when her own didn’t survive was a horrible twist of fate.
Addison was now wondering why she didn’t just push with the divorce in the first place. Why test Derek and hold out hope that their relationship would have been salvaged? Why didn’t she take Savvy’s offer and move back home? If she did those things then this wouldn’t have matter. Sure, it would hurt but Addison believed she would have detached herself from anything related to Derek or Seattle. She would have been fine in New York, moving on with her life.
The door opened and Addison looked up to see Derek making his way in. She turned her head away and said, “Get out.”
“Addison… come on. Let’s talk about this.” Derek replied, standing in front of her.
“I said, get out.”
“Addison, let’s handle this rationally. We don’t have any confirmation if Meredith is really pregnant. Bailey’s checking her right now.”
“I don’t care.” Addison said, standing up and making her way out of the room. She knew she was being unreasonable. Derek stopped her by grabbing her wrists and turning her to face him.
“Even if Meredith’s pregnant, it…it probably isn’t mine. She’s with Finn.”
“Really, Derek? Can you really tell me, say it to my face, with clear certainty, that the baby might not be yours?” She said angrily. “Do you mean that even with your eagerness to have sex with Meredith during prom, being responsible entered your mind?”
Derek stayed silent.
“An adulterous lovechild” She shook her head in disbelief and made a move to leave the room. Derek held on to her tightly.
“There might not even be a baby! She might not even be pregnant!” he exclaimed. “And if…. If Meredith is indeed pregnant and it’s mine, it doesn’t mean I’ll go back to her. The baby shouldn’t affect us. I could support the baby and Meredith and still be with you.”
“Are you even thinking about what you are saying, Derek? Do you think I’ll just idly watch by as you have a child with another woman? A child with the woman you have replaced me with? The woman whom my husband of 11 years declared he fell in love with? Raise this child while the one I carried didn’t make it?” Addison answered back, tears spilling from her eyes. “I’m not that strong and good of a person, Derek.” She said then freed herself from his grasp and left the room.
~ x ~ x ~ x ~
Derek was standing at the foot of Meredith’s bed. She was wheeled into her own room 3 hours ago after an appendectomy. He just stood there, looking at his ex-girlfriend, utterly relieved that there wasn’t any pregnancy at all.
“Hi” said a groggy Meredith.
“Hi” Derek answered back. “You’re going to be fine.”
“It was appendicitis. I’m not pregnant.”
“I know…. And I’m glad you’re not pregnant. I know it sounds callous but you being pregnant with my baby would just be too complicated and I don’t need that right now. Things with Addison are difficult enough… I just want to make things right with my wife and marriage…. And you just complicate it.”
“I…I wouldn’t even know what to do if I was pregnant. I’m just too damaged right now.” Meredith said, ignoring what Derek had said about her complicating things.
“I’m sorry.” Derek said. “I’m sorry for leading you on… for making you believe that we could have something. I know I said that you saved me…. And in some ways, it’s true and I’m grateful for it… but what we had was just my way of not facing what happened between me and Addison. I used you, used our relationship to fill the void and mask the pain of my marriage falling apart. I was afraid to face what had happened.”
Meredith remained silent.
“I love Addison… I’ve loved her since I was 25 years old and whatever feelings you and I had for each other would not change or surpass that. I’m just so sorry, Meredith, for dragging you into this mess. I’m really sorry.”
Meredith nodded, tears trickling down her face.
“I wish you well on your recovery, Dr. Grey.” Derek said then walked out of the room.
~ x ~ x ~ x ~
Addison didn’t know what she was doing there but she just had to see the chart for herself. She just wished Meredith would not wake up and see her. But it seemed God just won’t cooperate. Welcome to Addison’s life.
“I’m not pregnant” said Meredith softly from the bed.
Addison looked up from the chart. “Yes, it’s right here. Appendicitis” she said without any emotion.
“I should hate you, you know.” Meredith said after a moment of silence. Addison fixed her a glare.
“Excuse me?”
“I should hate you but I figured I had no right. You are his wife and… he loves you.”
Addison didn’t say anything nor change her expression.
“I should have just been the bigger person and stayed away….completely away. I tried but… I’m sorry. I just…I fell for him. For the first time in my life, I fell in love and he turns out to be married. I’m so screwed up. You must hate me. I’m sorry.”
Addison finally took pity on the younger woman. “I don’t hate you, Meredith. I’m just… I’m just sorry that you got involved in this mess. I’m sorry for you but I don’t think I can forgive you for prom. Not just yet.” She returned the chart in its place and left the room quietly.
~ x ~ x ~ x ~
Derek tried talking to his wife later that day but Addison left home early. He was now in front of her apartment, knocking at the door. Derek had tried calling but she would not answer and he didn’t want to leave a message either.
“Addison” he called out. “Addie, please. Let me in. I need to talk to you. I know you’re in there. Please, we need to talk.”
Inside, Addison sat on the couch in the darkened living room, listening to Derek call out. She sat there and listened with tears streaming down from her eyes. After a moment, Addison rose up quietly and made her way into the bedroom.
”Addison…”he called out again and leaned his forehead against the door in near desperation.
After 10 minutes of knocking and calling for her, Derek decided to just use his key. He had consciously put off using it so that Addison would not feel coerced to talk. Coming in uninvited would just make matters worse.
The key was placed in and the lock snapped back but when Derek pushed the door, the bolt Addison rarely used was in place.
Derek’s last resort did not work. She had no intention of seeing him tonight.________________________________________________________
See you guys in a month! I'll try to drop by once in a while. :D
Anyway, I promised to update before I leave so here it is...
The usual thanks to Suz for the beta. And the usual disclaimer that I don't own the show or any of the characters.
______________________________________________________________
CHAPTER TWENTY
“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” Addison admonished herself. She was slumped on the floor of a supply closet with tears running down her face. Just when Addison had let her guard down and allowed Derek to creep back in, this happens. She was ready to take him back, let go of her resentment and work on their marriage with her husband. But the latest development was just too hard to take. Meredith pregnant with Derek’s child when her own didn’t survive was a horrible twist of fate.
Addison was now wondering why she didn’t just push with the divorce in the first place. Why test Derek and hold out hope that their relationship would have been salvaged? Why didn’t she take Savvy’s offer and move back home? If she did those things then this wouldn’t have matter. Sure, it would hurt but Addison believed she would have detached herself from anything related to Derek or Seattle. She would have been fine in New York, moving on with her life.
The door opened and Addison looked up to see Derek making his way in. She turned her head away and said, “Get out.”
“Addison… come on. Let’s talk about this.” Derek replied, standing in front of her.
“I said, get out.”
“Addison, let’s handle this rationally. We don’t have any confirmation if Meredith is really pregnant. Bailey’s checking her right now.”
“I don’t care.” Addison said, standing up and making her way out of the room. She knew she was being unreasonable. Derek stopped her by grabbing her wrists and turning her to face him.
“Even if Meredith’s pregnant, it…it probably isn’t mine. She’s with Finn.”
“Really, Derek? Can you really tell me, say it to my face, with clear certainty, that the baby might not be yours?” She said angrily. “Do you mean that even with your eagerness to have sex with Meredith during prom, being responsible entered your mind?”
Derek stayed silent.
“An adulterous lovechild” She shook her head in disbelief and made a move to leave the room. Derek held on to her tightly.
“There might not even be a baby! She might not even be pregnant!” he exclaimed. “And if…. If Meredith is indeed pregnant and it’s mine, it doesn’t mean I’ll go back to her. The baby shouldn’t affect us. I could support the baby and Meredith and still be with you.”
“Are you even thinking about what you are saying, Derek? Do you think I’ll just idly watch by as you have a child with another woman? A child with the woman you have replaced me with? The woman whom my husband of 11 years declared he fell in love with? Raise this child while the one I carried didn’t make it?” Addison answered back, tears spilling from her eyes. “I’m not that strong and good of a person, Derek.” She said then freed herself from his grasp and left the room.
~ x ~ x ~ x ~
Derek was standing at the foot of Meredith’s bed. She was wheeled into her own room 3 hours ago after an appendectomy. He just stood there, looking at his ex-girlfriend, utterly relieved that there wasn’t any pregnancy at all.
“Hi” said a groggy Meredith.
“Hi” Derek answered back. “You’re going to be fine.”
“It was appendicitis. I’m not pregnant.”
“I know…. And I’m glad you’re not pregnant. I know it sounds callous but you being pregnant with my baby would just be too complicated and I don’t need that right now. Things with Addison are difficult enough… I just want to make things right with my wife and marriage…. And you just complicate it.”
“I…I wouldn’t even know what to do if I was pregnant. I’m just too damaged right now.” Meredith said, ignoring what Derek had said about her complicating things.
“I’m sorry.” Derek said. “I’m sorry for leading you on… for making you believe that we could have something. I know I said that you saved me…. And in some ways, it’s true and I’m grateful for it… but what we had was just my way of not facing what happened between me and Addison. I used you, used our relationship to fill the void and mask the pain of my marriage falling apart. I was afraid to face what had happened.”
Meredith remained silent.
“I love Addison… I’ve loved her since I was 25 years old and whatever feelings you and I had for each other would not change or surpass that. I’m just so sorry, Meredith, for dragging you into this mess. I’m really sorry.”
Meredith nodded, tears trickling down her face.
“I wish you well on your recovery, Dr. Grey.” Derek said then walked out of the room.
~ x ~ x ~ x ~
Addison didn’t know what she was doing there but she just had to see the chart for herself. She just wished Meredith would not wake up and see her. But it seemed God just won’t cooperate. Welcome to Addison’s life.
“I’m not pregnant” said Meredith softly from the bed.
Addison looked up from the chart. “Yes, it’s right here. Appendicitis” she said without any emotion.
“I should hate you, you know.” Meredith said after a moment of silence. Addison fixed her a glare.
“Excuse me?”
“I should hate you but I figured I had no right. You are his wife and… he loves you.”
Addison didn’t say anything nor change her expression.
“I should have just been the bigger person and stayed away….completely away. I tried but… I’m sorry. I just…I fell for him. For the first time in my life, I fell in love and he turns out to be married. I’m so screwed up. You must hate me. I’m sorry.”
Addison finally took pity on the younger woman. “I don’t hate you, Meredith. I’m just… I’m just sorry that you got involved in this mess. I’m sorry for you but I don’t think I can forgive you for prom. Not just yet.” She returned the chart in its place and left the room quietly.
~ x ~ x ~ x ~
Derek tried talking to his wife later that day but Addison left home early. He was now in front of her apartment, knocking at the door. Derek had tried calling but she would not answer and he didn’t want to leave a message either.
“Addison” he called out. “Addie, please. Let me in. I need to talk to you. I know you’re in there. Please, we need to talk.”
Inside, Addison sat on the couch in the darkened living room, listening to Derek call out. She sat there and listened with tears streaming down from her eyes. After a moment, Addison rose up quietly and made her way into the bedroom.
”Addison…”he called out again and leaned his forehead against the door in near desperation.
After 10 minutes of knocking and calling for her, Derek decided to just use his key. He had consciously put off using it so that Addison would not feel coerced to talk. Coming in uninvited would just make matters worse.
The key was placed in and the lock snapped back but when Derek pushed the door, the bolt Addison rarely used was in place.
Derek’s last resort did not work. She had no intention of seeing him tonight.________________________________________________________
See you guys in a month! I'll try to drop by once in a while. :D