This Vicious Cycle Chapter 16
I have nothing to say today. My life's pretty boring although I'm quite tired after a trip to the country. That's it.
Thanks to Suz for the beta.
Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy and its characters are not mine.
_______________________________________________
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Addison’s revelation had troubled Derek throughout the night. After another round of scotch, he left Joe’s and headed to his trailer. He spent the rest of the night outside thinking about the past year of his tumultuous life. How could this have happened to him? To his marriage? What had happened between him and his wife?
His thoughts plagued him well into the morning and he didn’t have a clue how he got himself in the hospital dressed and ready for work. Derek was so focused on the thoughts swirling in his mind, he didn’t even notice that he was alone with Meredith on the ride in the elevator.
“Hi” Meredith said in greeting.
“Hi” a startled Derek said.
“How are you, Derek?”
“I’m… okay” he said without any enthusiasm and turned his head away from her.
Meredith took in his appearance with a hint of longing in her eyes. “You don’t seem okay. Is everything alright? Are things between you and Addison alright?”
“Things are fine. Listen… I wanted to ask you… When Addison….” He broke off. Derek thought about what he was about to ask Meredith. He probably shouldn’t have considered asking her about his behavior when his wife arrived in Seattle. Meredith was involved in this mess he had made. “Never mind” he finally said.
“Okay.” She replied, disappointed at the lost of opportunity for a conversation. “I miss you.” she said after the brief silence that fell between them.
Derek sighed. “Meredith, we can’t do this anymore.”
“I know, I know. You’re staying with your wife. And I’m… I’m dating Finn.”
“That’s good.” Derek said sincerely. Meredith was looking for a sign of jealousy from him but she couldn’t read Derek. The doors opened at his stop. “See you around, Dr. Grey.” he said before leaving Meredith in the elevator.
~ x ~ x ~ x ~
Thankfully Derek didn’t have any surgeries scheduled for the day or else he wouldn’t have been a good physician. He was still troubled by Addison’s revelation and had spent his time figuring out how things have come to this and what he was supposed to do now. He had avoided crossing paths with his wife because he did not know what to say to her and mostly because he did not want to see her reaction or the lack thereof to him. He cooped himself inside the doctors’ lounge when he knew the chances of Addison being there were slim.
That was where Burke found him staring into space, sad and clearly lost in thought. A far cry from just the day before when he was all chipper and bursting with happiness from spending time with his wife.
“Dr. Shepherd” Burke said in acknowledgment.
Derek gave the other doctor a slight nod but his mind never strayed and he went back to staring off into space.
Burke poured himself a cup of coffee and sat on the chair opposite Derek. “Everything all right, Shepherd?” he asked.
Derek finally just shook himself out of his funk and stared at Burke. “Can I ask you something, Dr. Burke?” he said. “I mean, can I ask you something, Preston? As a friend? As someone who has been an unbiased observer since I arrived here.”
“I guess. Sure. Ask away, Derek.”
“How…how horrible was I when… when Addison came here? How horrible did I treat my own wife when we reunited?”
Burke sighed and rubbed his face with his hand. “Do you really want me to answer that? Remember, I’m dating your ex-girlfriend’s best friend. And I like Addison more than I do you. Would you really believe what I’d say is unbiased?”
“You are a man of honor, Preston. You will answer me truthfully regardless where your loyalty lies.”
“Fair enough. You want the truth, Derek? The truth is, you treated your wife so badly that even a blind man could see it. You’re with your wife but your eyes follow Meredith everywhere. You call your wife names and ignore her but when Meredith calls you come running. And the worst part, Derek, Addison took it. She took everything you threw at her with remarkable poise. I don’t know how you could have treated someone who clearly loves you and would do anything for you so badly. You don’t do that to someone you love, to someone you care for and share your life with.”
Derek bowed his head in shame at Burke’s words. He respected the other man and he knew the truth in his words. He was a horrible husband.
“She’s punishing me, you know? She’s treating me the way I treated her when she came here.” Derek shared with Burke. “And she’s open about it. Confessed her intentions.”
“I didn’t know Addison could be so petty.”
“She’s not…really. Addison is rarely vindictive and I suppose I deserve this with all the crap I’ve put her through. I’ve pushed her to this point.”
“She’s just angry, Derek. She wants you to understand how she felt those times.” Burke reasoned and Derek remained silent. “What are you going to do?”
Derek thought about it and finally answered the other man. “I’m going to wait it out. I’m going to wait until she gets all her anger out and forgive me. But I’m not going to let her push me away. I’m sticking by her.”
~ x ~ x ~ x ~
Addison had just emerged from a long hot bath after work. Her day was manageable, helped by the fact that she wasn’t confronted by Derek all day. Addison had just left him to digest her revelation last night and she dreaded the moment Derek would corner her about it. But she never saw him. Not once did their paths cross. If she hadn’t heard his name paged through the PA system, Addison would have thought her husband had taken the day off and left for god knows where.
Addison almost had a heart attack when she walked out of her room to grab a water bottle in the kitchen and found Derek sitting on the couch in the darkened living room.
“You scared me” Addison exclaimed when she felt her heart rate return to normal.
“Sorry” Derek murmured then rose up and walked towards her.
“I didn’t expect you to be here… not for a while.”
“I know” he said, coming up in front of her. “Addie…I…I understand why you’re doing this. You’re angry… and you want me to feel what it was like for you… I understand. But…I’m not letting you push me away” he said. Addison just stared at him but stayed quiet. “Be angry at me, ignore me, do whatever you like but I’m not going anywhere.”
Addison did not know what to say so she broke off eye contact and bowed her head.
“I’m going to wait. I’m going to wait for it to pass but I’ll still be here.” Derek said and kissed the top of her head softly before leaving the apartment.
Thanks to Suz for the beta.
Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy and its characters are not mine.
_______________________________________________
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Addison’s revelation had troubled Derek throughout the night. After another round of scotch, he left Joe’s and headed to his trailer. He spent the rest of the night outside thinking about the past year of his tumultuous life. How could this have happened to him? To his marriage? What had happened between him and his wife?
His thoughts plagued him well into the morning and he didn’t have a clue how he got himself in the hospital dressed and ready for work. Derek was so focused on the thoughts swirling in his mind, he didn’t even notice that he was alone with Meredith on the ride in the elevator.
“Hi” Meredith said in greeting.
“Hi” a startled Derek said.
“How are you, Derek?”
“I’m… okay” he said without any enthusiasm and turned his head away from her.
Meredith took in his appearance with a hint of longing in her eyes. “You don’t seem okay. Is everything alright? Are things between you and Addison alright?”
“Things are fine. Listen… I wanted to ask you… When Addison….” He broke off. Derek thought about what he was about to ask Meredith. He probably shouldn’t have considered asking her about his behavior when his wife arrived in Seattle. Meredith was involved in this mess he had made. “Never mind” he finally said.
“Okay.” She replied, disappointed at the lost of opportunity for a conversation. “I miss you.” she said after the brief silence that fell between them.
Derek sighed. “Meredith, we can’t do this anymore.”
“I know, I know. You’re staying with your wife. And I’m… I’m dating Finn.”
“That’s good.” Derek said sincerely. Meredith was looking for a sign of jealousy from him but she couldn’t read Derek. The doors opened at his stop. “See you around, Dr. Grey.” he said before leaving Meredith in the elevator.
~ x ~ x ~ x ~
Thankfully Derek didn’t have any surgeries scheduled for the day or else he wouldn’t have been a good physician. He was still troubled by Addison’s revelation and had spent his time figuring out how things have come to this and what he was supposed to do now. He had avoided crossing paths with his wife because he did not know what to say to her and mostly because he did not want to see her reaction or the lack thereof to him. He cooped himself inside the doctors’ lounge when he knew the chances of Addison being there were slim.
That was where Burke found him staring into space, sad and clearly lost in thought. A far cry from just the day before when he was all chipper and bursting with happiness from spending time with his wife.
“Dr. Shepherd” Burke said in acknowledgment.
Derek gave the other doctor a slight nod but his mind never strayed and he went back to staring off into space.
Burke poured himself a cup of coffee and sat on the chair opposite Derek. “Everything all right, Shepherd?” he asked.
Derek finally just shook himself out of his funk and stared at Burke. “Can I ask you something, Dr. Burke?” he said. “I mean, can I ask you something, Preston? As a friend? As someone who has been an unbiased observer since I arrived here.”
“I guess. Sure. Ask away, Derek.”
“How…how horrible was I when… when Addison came here? How horrible did I treat my own wife when we reunited?”
Burke sighed and rubbed his face with his hand. “Do you really want me to answer that? Remember, I’m dating your ex-girlfriend’s best friend. And I like Addison more than I do you. Would you really believe what I’d say is unbiased?”
“You are a man of honor, Preston. You will answer me truthfully regardless where your loyalty lies.”
“Fair enough. You want the truth, Derek? The truth is, you treated your wife so badly that even a blind man could see it. You’re with your wife but your eyes follow Meredith everywhere. You call your wife names and ignore her but when Meredith calls you come running. And the worst part, Derek, Addison took it. She took everything you threw at her with remarkable poise. I don’t know how you could have treated someone who clearly loves you and would do anything for you so badly. You don’t do that to someone you love, to someone you care for and share your life with.”
Derek bowed his head in shame at Burke’s words. He respected the other man and he knew the truth in his words. He was a horrible husband.
“She’s punishing me, you know? She’s treating me the way I treated her when she came here.” Derek shared with Burke. “And she’s open about it. Confessed her intentions.”
“I didn’t know Addison could be so petty.”
“She’s not…really. Addison is rarely vindictive and I suppose I deserve this with all the crap I’ve put her through. I’ve pushed her to this point.”
“She’s just angry, Derek. She wants you to understand how she felt those times.” Burke reasoned and Derek remained silent. “What are you going to do?”
Derek thought about it and finally answered the other man. “I’m going to wait it out. I’m going to wait until she gets all her anger out and forgive me. But I’m not going to let her push me away. I’m sticking by her.”
~ x ~ x ~ x ~
Addison had just emerged from a long hot bath after work. Her day was manageable, helped by the fact that she wasn’t confronted by Derek all day. Addison had just left him to digest her revelation last night and she dreaded the moment Derek would corner her about it. But she never saw him. Not once did their paths cross. If she hadn’t heard his name paged through the PA system, Addison would have thought her husband had taken the day off and left for god knows where.
Addison almost had a heart attack when she walked out of her room to grab a water bottle in the kitchen and found Derek sitting on the couch in the darkened living room.
“You scared me” Addison exclaimed when she felt her heart rate return to normal.
“Sorry” Derek murmured then rose up and walked towards her.
“I didn’t expect you to be here… not for a while.”
“I know” he said, coming up in front of her. “Addie…I…I understand why you’re doing this. You’re angry… and you want me to feel what it was like for you… I understand. But…I’m not letting you push me away” he said. Addison just stared at him but stayed quiet. “Be angry at me, ignore me, do whatever you like but I’m not going anywhere.”
Addison did not know what to say so she broke off eye contact and bowed her head.
“I’m going to wait. I’m going to wait for it to pass but I’ll still be here.” Derek said and kissed the top of her head softly before leaving the apartment.