Waiting
Waiting at the station,
waiting for the right moves,
waiting in the basement,
waiting for the right cues,
waiting in a daydream,
waiting in the slipstream
waiting...
waiting in the right bars,
waiting in the right shoes,
waiting in a fast car,
waiting in the airports,
waiting for my airmiles,
waiting in slow motion,
coming through the turnstiles.
And if you ever change your mind,
you know I'm hard to find,
and if you ever need someone...
I'll still be waiting...
-The Devlins
As I look back to how and who and where and what I was this time last summer I realize a lot of things. There were a lot more unknowns in my life. I could have gone to Chicago, I could have moved back home, I could have started training for biking cross country/world, I could have done anything. I didn't know if I would be doing theatre, waiting tables, or just waiting. I didn't know if I'd recover from a broken heart, or find love again. A lot of these unknowns have been answered for the upcoming year. I lived at home last year, got into a grad school for the next year in Sarasota, FL. I will be doing theatre. I have a girlfriend. But the realization I have come to is this:
I was happier when living with unknowns.
What does this mean? I think it means that there were so many possibilities I could be content with my fantasies, my ideals. The world was my oyster and I could do anything, and while that could be scary it was sort of comforting. I wasn't committed to anything, I could have anything.
Yes, yes, yes I know, I am extremely grateful for the amazing opportunity of grad school in acting at one of the best schools for it. And I am looking forward to it. I am ready for something new, someplace new, something challenging, and a serious step down my career path. I will meet new people and they will become new friends and new family.
But in this period of limbo, this waiting for the summer to end and a new life to begin I am rather lonely. Friends who seem to always have been there over the past year(s) seem to be leaving. Not necessarily any fault of their own (maybe), but they have left for different places, different people, different lifestyles. In some cases I feel left behind; easily replaced. People I used to know, people I could hang out with are somehow foreign to me.
There is one steady "friend" left who loves me. And while I may speak of my loneliness (sounds so petty that way), I don't know if it's best for me or them to keep them as a friend while I head to Florida.
So, I think I'm going to take a leap of faith into the comfort of the unknown again. Cut ties, cut the umbilical cord, and just go. Go where possibilities are endless again, where anyone could be a new friend, where my persona is yet undefined by my peers.
I miss the friends who have left or have gone a different way, and if we ever cross paths again to the point where we can be who we were before I will be so very glad. And yet these people who are shadows of the friends they used to be I wish them all the best in their ventures. Who am I to keep someone by me, with me, doing what I do? No one.
"Because you're not afraid
Because you're never swayed
An arrow straight and true
A gift to me from you
And if you've gotta go
Go with happiness
And if you've gotta go
Go with happiness"
-The Frames
waiting for the right moves,
waiting in the basement,
waiting for the right cues,
waiting in a daydream,
waiting in the slipstream
waiting...
waiting in the right bars,
waiting in the right shoes,
waiting in a fast car,
waiting in the airports,
waiting for my airmiles,
waiting in slow motion,
coming through the turnstiles.
And if you ever change your mind,
you know I'm hard to find,
and if you ever need someone...
I'll still be waiting...
-The Devlins
As I look back to how and who and where and what I was this time last summer I realize a lot of things. There were a lot more unknowns in my life. I could have gone to Chicago, I could have moved back home, I could have started training for biking cross country/world, I could have done anything. I didn't know if I would be doing theatre, waiting tables, or just waiting. I didn't know if I'd recover from a broken heart, or find love again. A lot of these unknowns have been answered for the upcoming year. I lived at home last year, got into a grad school for the next year in Sarasota, FL. I will be doing theatre. I have a girlfriend. But the realization I have come to is this:
I was happier when living with unknowns.
What does this mean? I think it means that there were so many possibilities I could be content with my fantasies, my ideals. The world was my oyster and I could do anything, and while that could be scary it was sort of comforting. I wasn't committed to anything, I could have anything.
Yes, yes, yes I know, I am extremely grateful for the amazing opportunity of grad school in acting at one of the best schools for it. And I am looking forward to it. I am ready for something new, someplace new, something challenging, and a serious step down my career path. I will meet new people and they will become new friends and new family.
But in this period of limbo, this waiting for the summer to end and a new life to begin I am rather lonely. Friends who seem to always have been there over the past year(s) seem to be leaving. Not necessarily any fault of their own (maybe), but they have left for different places, different people, different lifestyles. In some cases I feel left behind; easily replaced. People I used to know, people I could hang out with are somehow foreign to me.
There is one steady "friend" left who loves me. And while I may speak of my loneliness (sounds so petty that way), I don't know if it's best for me or them to keep them as a friend while I head to Florida.
So, I think I'm going to take a leap of faith into the comfort of the unknown again. Cut ties, cut the umbilical cord, and just go. Go where possibilities are endless again, where anyone could be a new friend, where my persona is yet undefined by my peers.
I miss the friends who have left or have gone a different way, and if we ever cross paths again to the point where we can be who we were before I will be so very glad. And yet these people who are shadows of the friends they used to be I wish them all the best in their ventures. Who am I to keep someone by me, with me, doing what I do? No one.
"Because you're not afraid
Because you're never swayed
An arrow straight and true
A gift to me from you
And if you've gotta go
Go with happiness
And if you've gotta go
Go with happiness"
-The Frames