Fic: The King of Queens', Merlin/Arthur modern Cambridge AU, WIP (3/10)
Title: The King of Queens', Chapter Three
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: PG-13 now but will end up NC-17
Word count: This part 4,050. (12,845 in total so far)
Warnings: Some homophobia
Summary: Modern AU. Merlin has always dreamed of going to Cambridge University and is thrilled to win a place at Queens’ College. Whilst there he falls hopelessly in love with the JCR President, drinking society President, Lacrosse captain and all-round popular guy Arthur Pendragon. Arthur takes him under his wing until Merlin stands to be LGBT Rep on the JCR and Arthur realises that Merlin likes boys. Full of Cambridge slang, UST, Arthur being a knobhead with no knob, and eventual happy ending. I promise.
Previous parts: CHAPTER ONE; CHAPTER TWO
It was 11am when Merlin awoke the next morning with a dry, furry taste in his mouth and a head that felt so tender that even turning it sent shockwaves of pain down the rest of his body. He got up, gingerly, aware that he was supposed to be going out for a pub lunch with the rest of his college family in two hours time, but also aware that if he tried any sudden movements he was going to end up vomiting into the cracked sink in the corner of his room.
He groaned as the room swam in front of his eyes. Why had he drunk so much last night? He couldn’t remember much of the evening. Only that there had been a lot of lurid coloured drinks with ridiculous names. He sat back down then with a bump and put his head in his hands as everything else that had happened began to filter back to him. He’d pulled Tasha, hadn’t he? Oh god. And he’d spoken to a gay boy… Tom? That sounded right? Who told Merlin that… yes. That Arthur was a massive homophobe. Then Merlin really couldn’t fight the nausea any more and he ran to the sink where he heaved and heaved until there was nothing left in his stomach.
He ran the taps, watching as the bright red and purple liquid washed away, and rested his sweaty forehead against the mirror. Why did it matter so much to him that Arthur was a homophobe? He’d only met the guy a couple of times. It was hardly like they’d had some amazing heart-to-heart and become BFFs and then Merlin had realised that actually he was a twat. But. Still. It stung. Merlin’s Mum had told him that everything would be different here: that no one would judge him for his sexuality. But maybe she was wrong. Evidently she was wrong if the head of the JCR didn’t like gay guys. He was supposed to be the one who set an example.
He tried to remember exactly what Tom had said about Arthur but it was beyond him: just something about awkwardness, and everything changing when Arthur found out that he was gay. Merlin remembered the exchange he had had with Arthur outside the Fitzpat, the word ‘gash’ harsh and unpleasant and then Arthur calling the drink ‘gay’ in the tone of voice one normally reserved for swear-words. Merlin shivered, and only partly because the act of vomiting left him shaky and weak. He poured himself glass after glass of water and downed three pints of them in a row over the sink, washing down an alka-seltzer and some paracetamol. Then he went back to bed, wrapped himself up in his duvet and sat there for a while, unable to summon the energy to go and shower and get dressed.
There was a knock on his door, just when he’d reached levels of alcohol-induced depression that he’d previously only dreamed of. He hastily grabbed his dressing-gown.
‘Yes?’ He peered round the door.
‘Mate,’ it was Lance. Of course it was Lance. He was a knight in fucking shining armour, wasn’t he? ‘Can I come in?’
Merlin hauled the door open and then retreated back to his bed, swaddling himself in his duvet so only his big-eared head and messed-up hair were visible above it.
Lance gave him a sympathetic smile, ‘That bad?’
Merlin nodded, then winced as the simple act of moving his head made the room swim all over again.
‘I looked out for you last night after you’d gone off with Arthur but couldn’t see you again.’
‘I left soon after,’ Merlin said, in a whisper, his voice gone totally hoarse from screaming along at top volume to (oh god) ‘Hungry like the Wolf’ by Duran Duran amongst other, equally shameful, songs.
‘Do you remember everything that happened last night?’ Lance said, gently.
‘I remember pulling Tasha, if that’s what you mean. And generally acting like a twat. I don’t know what I was thinking!’
‘You weren’t thinking: you were absolutely wankered.’
‘I should have just pushed her off me,’ Merlin said, quietly. ‘Made a joke out of it or something. Not just… let her. And kissed her back.’
‘Why did you?’ Lance asked in a way that was utterly non-judgmental but still managed to make Merlin feel like shit. ‘I was a bit confused by the whole thing after what you told me earlier. Can I presume you’re not out yet?’
‘No, I’m very much not out yet!' Merlin squeaked. 'I don’t know if I ever will be. I thought Uni was going to be this brand new start for me, full of people who wouldn’t judge me. And now I’m reconsidering everything.’
‘There are plenty of out people here, Merlin. I know a few at King’s, our LGBT rep Tom is out: you won’t be the only one.’
Merlin weighed up whether or not to open up to Lance and then decided, what the hell. ‘What do you think of Arthur?’
If they change of subject perturbed Lance he didn't show it. He just shrugged, ‘He’s funny to be around and has always been nice to me. Him and Gwen had a pretty bad break-up though so it’s not like I’m his biggest fan. Still, no one in college really has a bad word to say about him.’
Merlin bit his lip, ‘That’s not quite true, Lance.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘I spoke to Tom last night, the LGBT rep. And he said Arthur’s a bit of a homophobe.’
Lance let out a huffing sigh. ‘Wouldn’t surprise me: he’s the type, you know? Boarding school boy, sheltered upbringing, frightened of what he doesn’t know. That’s pretty shit though… did he say something to you yesterday?’
‘Arthur?’ Merlin laughed. ‘No. He doesn’t know I’m gay. He’s acting like we’re best friends. All because his name is Arthur and my name’s Merlin. He said it’s ‘fated’. It’s… it’s flattering.’
‘I can imagine,’ Lance said. ‘And you find him attractive?’
Merlin ducked his head entirely under the covers then.
‘I thought so,’ Lance said, drily. ‘And now you’re worried he’ll find out you’re gay and then he will act really cold towards you? And even though you know nothing can ever happen with him some attention is better than none?’
‘How did you know?’
‘I’ve been in unrequited love before. And in unrequited lust. I used to have feelings for a girl that had a boyfriend. And I hung around her because being around her like that was better than nothing.’
‘And what happened? Did it have a happy ending?’ Merlin knew he sounded like a child being told a bedtime story by an indulgent parent but couldn’t help himself.
‘No,’ Lance said shortly. ‘It didn’t.’
‘What should I do?’ Merlin asked.
‘I can’t tell you that, can I?’ Lance looked at Merlin really seriously. ‘You know what the right thing to do is…’
‘Tell Arthur I’m gay because if he is a homophobe I’m better off without him,’ Merlin recited it like you would some lines you’d learned.
‘But the right thing’s often the hardest thing, isn’t it? I’m not going to pressure you to do anything. Well, except one thing…’
‘Yes?’
‘Tell Tasha you’re sorry and you’re not interested. And do it nicely.’
‘Yeah, yeah, I will.’ Merlin sank down into the sheets.
‘And Merlin? One more thing…’
‘What?’
‘Have a shower and brush your teeth. You absolutely stink.’
And he was gone, leaving Merlin lying in bed feeling small, and stupid, and completely unresolved as to what to do.
***
It was five past one when Merlin slouched his way into the plodge, hands buried deep in the pockets of his uncool (but very warm) duffel coat. He stood just inside the door, looking deeply uncomfortable, until the rest of his college family arrived.
Thankfully any awkwardness Merlin felt over Tasha soon evaporated when she wrapped him in a hug and said in his ear, ‘I was wankered. I actually fancy Barney. Please don’t be cross.’
He picked her up and swung her round. ‘I’m not cross at all! I was absolutely fucked too: I spent this morning painting my sink lurid purple.’
She wrinkled her nose, ‘You charmer, Merlin.’
‘How are you feeling?’ Gwen asked, concerned. ‘Regretting your ridiculous antics from last night? Because you should be.’ She wagged her finger at him in mock-sternness, as if she was kidding, but Merlin knew she wasn’t.
‘Yes I am,’ he said, humbly. ‘I shouldn’t have got that drunk.’
‘Arthur Pendragon is a bad influence,’ she said.
‘He’s really fit though,’ Tasha chimed in.
‘Seriously,’ Akanke agreed, with a slow smile that managed to be both sunny and filthy at the same time.
Gwen hugged herself, frowned, shook her head slightly, as if she wasn’t even aware she was doing it, ‘We broke up a little while ago.’
‘Oh fuck, I’m so sorry,’ they were both profuse in their apologies but Gwen waved them off. ‘It’s fine, it’s fine. He can pull whoever he wants. He does pull whoever he wants. Whenever he wants. Half of Newnham at last count… but, if you have to pull him, don’t do it in front of me, please?’
‘Of course we won’t pull him!’ Akanke said. ‘Not if the two of you just broke up! He can fuck right off!’
‘He didn’t do anything wrong,’ Gwen said, weakly, but Merlin could tell that she liked the girls acting defensive of her. He noticed that Mel wasn’t joining in though. She just stood there, hands in her pockets, looking at Gwen with something… calculating in her gaze. Merlin shook his head, looked back, and the expression (whatever it was) had gone.
‘You ready?’ Lance said, striding into the plodge as if they’d been the ones to keep him waiting and not the other way around. 'We've got to get you college gowns and then we're having a big, fat roast.'
‘Lead on old bean,’ Barney drawled in a way that Merlin knew was only half put on. ‘Pip pip.’
Lance looked bemused, ‘Erm, right, well… this way!’
Merlin fell in step with Gwen as they walked. ‘You alright?’
‘Yeah, why?’
He raised an eyebrow, not at all taken in by her mock confusion as to why she might not be feeling okay. ‘Hmm, I dunno, maybe because the fresher girls are drooling all over your ex boyfriend? I was hammered last night but it was still clear how not-okay it is between the two of you. And trust me, if stuff was frosty enough to make an impact on me when I’m that inebriated… it’s pretty fucking frosty.’
‘Fine, fine… I’m not alright. We only broke up just before you guys started. I’m talking about two days before you arrived. And now he’s out there fucking everything that moves.’ The word ‘fucking’ was surprising somehow, coming from Gwen. Merlin put a hand on her arm.
‘Did he hurt you badly?’
Gwen looked down, ‘I was the one who ended things,’ she said, quietly.
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah, it’s surprising, isn’t it? All the girls that he ignored for those two months we were together keep doing this whole faux-sympathy thing because they reckon he got bored of me. But he didn’t. I guess I got bored of him.’
Merlin tried to imagine getting bored of Arthur and couldn’t. ‘He seemed pretty fun to me.’
‘Of course he did. He is fun. He’s highly entertaining unless you’re his girlfriend and you’re trying to actually get to know the real thing. It gets frustrating if you try and scrape away all of these layers of living up to his father, and showing off to his friends, and having to be the loudest, most impressive, most successful person in the room. But you can’t. Well, I can’t. Couldn’t. Whatever.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Merlin said, because he couldn't think of anything else to say.
‘There’s nothing to be sorry for. He didn’t behave badly to me in any way. It’s just the way he's acting now that's the problem. I understand he’s moved on, that I broke up with him, and can hardly claim any part of him any longer. It’s just shitty watching him pull half of college right in front of me when a week ago he was mine.’ She ran a hand through her hair. ‘At least I’ve got the decency to keep my private life away from him.’
‘You’re seeing someone else?’ Merlin couldn’t really picture Gwen as the type to hop between men. But then, he hadn’t been able to picture Arthur as the type to be a massive homophobic bell-end either.
‘No, I’m not. I have feelings for someone else. There’s a difference. I want to wait until a decent amount of time has elapsed. And I also need to wait to find out if he is interested, too,’ she laughed. ‘That’s a fairly important part of the equation.’
‘I’m sure he must be interested in you. He’d be mad not to be,’ Merlin said, honestly.
She smiled up at him, ‘You’re sweet. But it’s always impossible to predict these things. He likes me, but we’ve been friends for a year now… I’m probably stuck as ‘friend-girl’ for life: a curiously sexless being.’
‘A eunuch, basically?’ Merlin teased.
She snorted, ‘Yes. I am basically a eunuch. What about you? I saw Tasha hugging you…’
‘Oh no, no way. Nothing’s happening there!’ he said hastily. ‘We were just completely pissed. She fancies Barney, anyway.’
‘And you’re not interested in her?’
‘Nope, definitely not,’ he shook his head for emphasis, then felt a bit harsh. ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with her! She’s just… not my type.’
‘Fair enough. Everyone pulls everyone in freshers’ week though… it’s the one time it seems to be acceptable. I even snogged a girl in freshers’ week!’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘It was part of my ‘political lesbian’ phase. It lasted for the entirety of one night and then I sobered up and realised that men weren’t really the enemy. Well, not all of them, at least.’
‘Thanks!’ Merlin was very good at being sarcastic. He’d honed his talent during seven years of being bullied.
‘You got your eye on anyone else?’ she needled.
‘You’re not my real Mum, Gwen! Bloody hell, you’re nosier than she is!’
‘Just taking an interest in your life.’
‘I’ve had my fill of drunken pulling after last night.’ He weighed up admitting how he felt to her: the whole unrequited crush on Arthur, the fact he fancied men… He decided against it. ‘I’ll just see what happens - take life as it comes. I’m not really fussed about finding someone.’ He tried to sound breezy but he just sounded like he was lying. Which he was. But he didn’t want to make it obvious.
‘Hmm.’ She was unconvinced. 'Ooh, we're here.' She looked up. 'Gown time!'
‘Oi!’ Lance cupped his hands around his mouth and bellowed until he got their attention. ‘Now the six of you have got to get in there,’ he stuck a thumb over his shoulder at the tailor behind him: Ede & Ravenscroft, ‘buy a Queens’ gown, pay, and get out. I would come in there with you but it’s going to be swarming with eighteen-year-olds and frankly I can’t be arsed. I will be in The Anchor and will buy everyone a pint if they make it over there within the next thirty minutes.’ He looked at his watch. ‘It’s 1:47pm. You have until 2:17pm to claim your pint, alright?’
The six of them started giggling. Merlin half expected him to say ‘you will go on my first whistle’ as if they were on an episode of Gladiators or something.
‘Ready, get set… GO!’ and the six of them swarmed inside the tailor, leaving Gwen outside, creased up in helpless laughter.
***
The rest of the day was a blur of trying the gown on, pretending to be batman/a vampire/an extra from Harry Potter, stuffing their faces with pub food, and lying in Barney’s room watching ‘Blackadder’. Merlin decided that Barney wasn’t as much of a knob as he’d first thought.
I mean, yes, the room did feature an FHM calendar (lame), and four pairs of deck shoes lined up under the sink (lamer), but he also had a lot of pictures of him and his parents, and his dogs, and it made him softer, more human.
Ed and Mel ducked out early but the others stayed, eating take-out Dojo’s with varying degrees of success, and swapping stories about their home-lives. Merlin didn’t go into much detail (‘I went to a shitty comp and my name’s Merlin, you figure out how it went’) and Barney admitted that he’d spent his gapyear in his pyjamas on the sofa after he didn’t save enough money to travelling and his parents refused to bankroll him even though his best mates were going on a trip around the world. Akanke had been head-girl at her school and did catalogue modelling in her spare time (which they all found hilarious) but had been dumped the week before Uni. No one in Tasha’s family had ever stayed at school past sixteen so they thought she was a freak for leaving their tiny village in Yorkshire.
It felt nice, Merlin thought, not thinking about his sexuality, or Arthur, or being bullied or anything. He was warm, and he was full, and he was comfortable, and for the first time in years he felt truly at home.
‘Guys, I’m going to have to hit the hay,’ Barney said eventually, once it reached about one am and they were still sprawled on the carpet of his room talking absolute nonsense.
‘Loser,’ Tasha teased. ‘We’re students. We’re supposed to stay up until at least four!’
‘I have my first meeting with my DoS tomorrow, and so do you!’ he chucked a pillow at her.
‘Ow!’ She threw it back.
‘They’re flighting,’ Akanke said seriously, leaning over to Merlin.
'Flighting?' he blinked.
‘Flirt-fighting. You know, she’ll go all giggly and shout ‘stop it!’ and then she’ll get him to chase her around the room. They’ll end up shagging.’
He stifled a laugh, ‘I hope they wait until we’ve left the room at least.’
Barney was now cowering in a ball whilst Tasha whacked him about the head with the pillow.
‘Night you guys,’ Merlin said. ‘Are they even aware we’re still here?’ He asked Akanke.
She sniggered, ‘No, of course they’re not. Where you heading back to?’
‘BB5 in Cripps.’
‘Ah, I’m in Dokett. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ She pressed him into a brief hug and gave a casual wave.
‘Bye!’ Merlin tried again to make them aware of his presence. Nothing. They were ‘flighting’ well and truly now, that was for sure.
He mooched along the corridor back to his staircase, smiling to himself in a goofy way. It was cold outside but he felt all warm inside, which he knew was utterly wanky but he just couldn’t help himself grinning like a moron. Until he pushed open the door to his corridor (he still hadn’t introduced himself to his corridor-mate … he really should) and there was a shape slumped in it. A blond shape. A blond, Arthur-shaped shape.
He was cradling a bottle of wine.
‘Arthur?’
‘Merlin, Merlin! My sidekick!’
‘I’m not your sidekick, Pendragon,’ Merlin said, slowly.
‘Ooh, you wound me, Emrys,’ he clutched his heart as if a barb had just gone into it.
‘What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out chasing ‘gash’ or whatever it is you do?’
‘Naa, well, maybe I should, but I don’t feel like it. I feel like getting drunk and maudlin.’
‘I think you’re drunk enough already.’
Arthur looked down at the bottle. ‘I haven’t even opened it yet, dickhead. I’ve only had like, four pints.’ Like a magician, he pulled two glasses from behind his back. ‘Go on, Merlin.’
‘I saw where binge-drinking got me yesterday, thanks very much.’
‘It got your tongue down the throat of a fit fresher,’ Arthur lectured him.
‘A fit fresher who I don’t fancy, and who fancies someone else.’ He sighed, looked at his watch, ‘A someone else that she's probably shagging now, anyway.’
‘Jealous?’
‘No,’ Merlin shook his head. But he was a bit jealous. Not of Tasha, or of Barney. But of the fact that they were attracted to one another. That they knew that chances were the other person shared their attraction, their orientation. Not like him. He had a shit gaydar. He hadn’t even realised Graham Norton was gay until like, a year ago, and that was just shocking.
‘The wine will make it all better,’ Arthur’s tone was serious but his face was slightly mocking. ‘Its numbing effect will make you forget any woman who has ever hurt you.’
Merlin sighed, kicked Arthur until he got up, and let them into his room. He was embarrassed by how spartan it was. Then he remembered that Arthur was a bigot and decided to forget about being embarrassed and be annoyed instead. ‘No women have ever hurt me.’
‘You’re lucky, then. Plenty have hurt me.’
Merlin snorted, ‘I don’t buy that. You’ve shagged half of college - I’m sure you’ve hurt more than have hurt you.’
‘I have a lot of sex, yes, but I never pretend it’s anything more.’ He rolled his eyes, produced a corkscrew from his pocket. ‘It’s the 21st century, Merlin, it’s fine to fuck around as long as you use a condom.’
‘And you never worry that you hurt people’s feelings?’
‘Stop being such a baby. They expect it of me! They’d probably be disappointed if I did stick around.’ He passed a full glass to Merlin, took a deep sip from his. ‘I’m not a bastard to them. It’s not like I promise I’ll call or tell them how much I like them.’
‘Yeah, well, I’ll never behave like that,’ Merlin insisted, reluctantly taking the wine.
‘You’re a virgin aren’t you,’ Arthur said flatly.
Merlin could feel every single part of him shrivel up in embarrassment. Even the tips of his ears turned red. He could feel it.
‘It’s just a statement of fact, Merlin. If you’d slept with a girl you’d understand that not everything is black and white, alright?’ He poured himself a top-up, despite the fact he’d only filled the glass mere moments before. He slumped down on the end of Merlin’s bed. ‘Budge up.’ Merlin budged, ashamed of himself for thrilling where Arthur’s thigh touched his.
‘Why aren’t you hanging out with Leon or one of those guys?’ It was hardly like Arthur was starved for friends.
‘They’ll judge me for getting upset about Gwen. And you won’t.’
‘How do you know? You barely know me.’
‘I’ve just got a feeling about you, alright? You won’t take the piss about this, I know it.’
‘You’re right... Gwen’s awesome. I’d be gutted if she dumped me,’ Merlin swilled his wine around absentmindedly before necking half of it.
‘Who told you she dumped me?’ Arthur was suddenly on edge.
‘She did,’ Merlin shrugged. ‘S’not like I’m going to tell anyone. She was upset and I guess something in my innocent expression conveyed to her that I’m not a twat that goes around blabbing people’s secrets. Alright?’
Arthur subsided, slumping back against the wall. ‘Fair enough. What else did she say?’
‘I’m not going to end up reporting back to each of you. She’s just a bit sad right now, that’s all.’
‘She’s the one who dumped me!’ Arthur sat up, instantly irate again.
‘She’s still allowed to be sad,’ Merlin reasoned, holding his glass out for more wine, as if he hadn’t been puking in his sink a measly fourteen hours earlier.
‘Whatever, I’m the one who got dumped. First girlfriend I’d had in two years and look where it gets me…’
‘You don’t seem to be suffering that much,’ Merlin pointed out. ‘Last night when I last saw you you were off to a party to get laid.’
Arthur flushed, ‘I’m a dick when I drink.’
Merlin looked pointedly at the glass of wine in Arthur’s hands, ‘Well, when I drink to excess,’ Arthur continued. ‘I’m not normally like that. You know that right?’
Merlin remembered what Tom said; what Gwen said; what Arthur said. Then he looked at Arthur’s earnest face. At his blue eyes, his strong jaw, down to his hand with that ridiculous, flashy signet ring on his little finger.
‘Right,’ he said, throat a little dry, knees a little weak. ‘You’re not like that.’
‘Exactly,’ Arthur smiled, raised his glass to Merlin. ‘Here’s to forgetting girls.’
Merlin clinked his glass.
‘No, scrap that,’ Arthur said, laughing. ‘Here’s to us!’
‘To us,’ Merlin echoed, his voice cracking a bit. He took a big gulp of wine, and it helped him swallow everything he wanted to say.
CHAPTER FOUR
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: PG-13 now but will end up NC-17
Word count: This part 4,050. (12,845 in total so far)
Warnings: Some homophobia
Summary: Modern AU. Merlin has always dreamed of going to Cambridge University and is thrilled to win a place at Queens’ College. Whilst there he falls hopelessly in love with the JCR President, drinking society President, Lacrosse captain and all-round popular guy Arthur Pendragon. Arthur takes him under his wing until Merlin stands to be LGBT Rep on the JCR and Arthur realises that Merlin likes boys. Full of Cambridge slang, UST, Arthur being a knobhead with no knob, and eventual happy ending. I promise.
Previous parts: CHAPTER ONE; CHAPTER TWO
It was 11am when Merlin awoke the next morning with a dry, furry taste in his mouth and a head that felt so tender that even turning it sent shockwaves of pain down the rest of his body. He got up, gingerly, aware that he was supposed to be going out for a pub lunch with the rest of his college family in two hours time, but also aware that if he tried any sudden movements he was going to end up vomiting into the cracked sink in the corner of his room.
He groaned as the room swam in front of his eyes. Why had he drunk so much last night? He couldn’t remember much of the evening. Only that there had been a lot of lurid coloured drinks with ridiculous names. He sat back down then with a bump and put his head in his hands as everything else that had happened began to filter back to him. He’d pulled Tasha, hadn’t he? Oh god. And he’d spoken to a gay boy… Tom? That sounded right? Who told Merlin that… yes. That Arthur was a massive homophobe. Then Merlin really couldn’t fight the nausea any more and he ran to the sink where he heaved and heaved until there was nothing left in his stomach.
He ran the taps, watching as the bright red and purple liquid washed away, and rested his sweaty forehead against the mirror. Why did it matter so much to him that Arthur was a homophobe? He’d only met the guy a couple of times. It was hardly like they’d had some amazing heart-to-heart and become BFFs and then Merlin had realised that actually he was a twat. But. Still. It stung. Merlin’s Mum had told him that everything would be different here: that no one would judge him for his sexuality. But maybe she was wrong. Evidently she was wrong if the head of the JCR didn’t like gay guys. He was supposed to be the one who set an example.
He tried to remember exactly what Tom had said about Arthur but it was beyond him: just something about awkwardness, and everything changing when Arthur found out that he was gay. Merlin remembered the exchange he had had with Arthur outside the Fitzpat, the word ‘gash’ harsh and unpleasant and then Arthur calling the drink ‘gay’ in the tone of voice one normally reserved for swear-words. Merlin shivered, and only partly because the act of vomiting left him shaky and weak. He poured himself glass after glass of water and downed three pints of them in a row over the sink, washing down an alka-seltzer and some paracetamol. Then he went back to bed, wrapped himself up in his duvet and sat there for a while, unable to summon the energy to go and shower and get dressed.
There was a knock on his door, just when he’d reached levels of alcohol-induced depression that he’d previously only dreamed of. He hastily grabbed his dressing-gown.
‘Yes?’ He peered round the door.
‘Mate,’ it was Lance. Of course it was Lance. He was a knight in fucking shining armour, wasn’t he? ‘Can I come in?’
Merlin hauled the door open and then retreated back to his bed, swaddling himself in his duvet so only his big-eared head and messed-up hair were visible above it.
Lance gave him a sympathetic smile, ‘That bad?’
Merlin nodded, then winced as the simple act of moving his head made the room swim all over again.
‘I looked out for you last night after you’d gone off with Arthur but couldn’t see you again.’
‘I left soon after,’ Merlin said, in a whisper, his voice gone totally hoarse from screaming along at top volume to (oh god) ‘Hungry like the Wolf’ by Duran Duran amongst other, equally shameful, songs.
‘Do you remember everything that happened last night?’ Lance said, gently.
‘I remember pulling Tasha, if that’s what you mean. And generally acting like a twat. I don’t know what I was thinking!’
‘You weren’t thinking: you were absolutely wankered.’
‘I should have just pushed her off me,’ Merlin said, quietly. ‘Made a joke out of it or something. Not just… let her. And kissed her back.’
‘Why did you?’ Lance asked in a way that was utterly non-judgmental but still managed to make Merlin feel like shit. ‘I was a bit confused by the whole thing after what you told me earlier. Can I presume you’re not out yet?’
‘No, I’m very much not out yet!' Merlin squeaked. 'I don’t know if I ever will be. I thought Uni was going to be this brand new start for me, full of people who wouldn’t judge me. And now I’m reconsidering everything.’
‘There are plenty of out people here, Merlin. I know a few at King’s, our LGBT rep Tom is out: you won’t be the only one.’
Merlin weighed up whether or not to open up to Lance and then decided, what the hell. ‘What do you think of Arthur?’
If they change of subject perturbed Lance he didn't show it. He just shrugged, ‘He’s funny to be around and has always been nice to me. Him and Gwen had a pretty bad break-up though so it’s not like I’m his biggest fan. Still, no one in college really has a bad word to say about him.’
Merlin bit his lip, ‘That’s not quite true, Lance.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘I spoke to Tom last night, the LGBT rep. And he said Arthur’s a bit of a homophobe.’
Lance let out a huffing sigh. ‘Wouldn’t surprise me: he’s the type, you know? Boarding school boy, sheltered upbringing, frightened of what he doesn’t know. That’s pretty shit though… did he say something to you yesterday?’
‘Arthur?’ Merlin laughed. ‘No. He doesn’t know I’m gay. He’s acting like we’re best friends. All because his name is Arthur and my name’s Merlin. He said it’s ‘fated’. It’s… it’s flattering.’
‘I can imagine,’ Lance said. ‘And you find him attractive?’
Merlin ducked his head entirely under the covers then.
‘I thought so,’ Lance said, drily. ‘And now you’re worried he’ll find out you’re gay and then he will act really cold towards you? And even though you know nothing can ever happen with him some attention is better than none?’
‘How did you know?’
‘I’ve been in unrequited love before. And in unrequited lust. I used to have feelings for a girl that had a boyfriend. And I hung around her because being around her like that was better than nothing.’
‘And what happened? Did it have a happy ending?’ Merlin knew he sounded like a child being told a bedtime story by an indulgent parent but couldn’t help himself.
‘No,’ Lance said shortly. ‘It didn’t.’
‘What should I do?’ Merlin asked.
‘I can’t tell you that, can I?’ Lance looked at Merlin really seriously. ‘You know what the right thing to do is…’
‘Tell Arthur I’m gay because if he is a homophobe I’m better off without him,’ Merlin recited it like you would some lines you’d learned.
‘But the right thing’s often the hardest thing, isn’t it? I’m not going to pressure you to do anything. Well, except one thing…’
‘Yes?’
‘Tell Tasha you’re sorry and you’re not interested. And do it nicely.’
‘Yeah, yeah, I will.’ Merlin sank down into the sheets.
‘And Merlin? One more thing…’
‘What?’
‘Have a shower and brush your teeth. You absolutely stink.’
And he was gone, leaving Merlin lying in bed feeling small, and stupid, and completely unresolved as to what to do.
***
It was five past one when Merlin slouched his way into the plodge, hands buried deep in the pockets of his uncool (but very warm) duffel coat. He stood just inside the door, looking deeply uncomfortable, until the rest of his college family arrived.
Thankfully any awkwardness Merlin felt over Tasha soon evaporated when she wrapped him in a hug and said in his ear, ‘I was wankered. I actually fancy Barney. Please don’t be cross.’
He picked her up and swung her round. ‘I’m not cross at all! I was absolutely fucked too: I spent this morning painting my sink lurid purple.’
She wrinkled her nose, ‘You charmer, Merlin.’
‘How are you feeling?’ Gwen asked, concerned. ‘Regretting your ridiculous antics from last night? Because you should be.’ She wagged her finger at him in mock-sternness, as if she was kidding, but Merlin knew she wasn’t.
‘Yes I am,’ he said, humbly. ‘I shouldn’t have got that drunk.’
‘Arthur Pendragon is a bad influence,’ she said.
‘He’s really fit though,’ Tasha chimed in.
‘Seriously,’ Akanke agreed, with a slow smile that managed to be both sunny and filthy at the same time.
Gwen hugged herself, frowned, shook her head slightly, as if she wasn’t even aware she was doing it, ‘We broke up a little while ago.’
‘Oh fuck, I’m so sorry,’ they were both profuse in their apologies but Gwen waved them off. ‘It’s fine, it’s fine. He can pull whoever he wants. He does pull whoever he wants. Whenever he wants. Half of Newnham at last count… but, if you have to pull him, don’t do it in front of me, please?’
‘Of course we won’t pull him!’ Akanke said. ‘Not if the two of you just broke up! He can fuck right off!’
‘He didn’t do anything wrong,’ Gwen said, weakly, but Merlin could tell that she liked the girls acting defensive of her. He noticed that Mel wasn’t joining in though. She just stood there, hands in her pockets, looking at Gwen with something… calculating in her gaze. Merlin shook his head, looked back, and the expression (whatever it was) had gone.
‘You ready?’ Lance said, striding into the plodge as if they’d been the ones to keep him waiting and not the other way around. 'We've got to get you college gowns and then we're having a big, fat roast.'
‘Lead on old bean,’ Barney drawled in a way that Merlin knew was only half put on. ‘Pip pip.’
Lance looked bemused, ‘Erm, right, well… this way!’
Merlin fell in step with Gwen as they walked. ‘You alright?’
‘Yeah, why?’
He raised an eyebrow, not at all taken in by her mock confusion as to why she might not be feeling okay. ‘Hmm, I dunno, maybe because the fresher girls are drooling all over your ex boyfriend? I was hammered last night but it was still clear how not-okay it is between the two of you. And trust me, if stuff was frosty enough to make an impact on me when I’m that inebriated… it’s pretty fucking frosty.’
‘Fine, fine… I’m not alright. We only broke up just before you guys started. I’m talking about two days before you arrived. And now he’s out there fucking everything that moves.’ The word ‘fucking’ was surprising somehow, coming from Gwen. Merlin put a hand on her arm.
‘Did he hurt you badly?’
Gwen looked down, ‘I was the one who ended things,’ she said, quietly.
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah, it’s surprising, isn’t it? All the girls that he ignored for those two months we were together keep doing this whole faux-sympathy thing because they reckon he got bored of me. But he didn’t. I guess I got bored of him.’
Merlin tried to imagine getting bored of Arthur and couldn’t. ‘He seemed pretty fun to me.’
‘Of course he did. He is fun. He’s highly entertaining unless you’re his girlfriend and you’re trying to actually get to know the real thing. It gets frustrating if you try and scrape away all of these layers of living up to his father, and showing off to his friends, and having to be the loudest, most impressive, most successful person in the room. But you can’t. Well, I can’t. Couldn’t. Whatever.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Merlin said, because he couldn't think of anything else to say.
‘There’s nothing to be sorry for. He didn’t behave badly to me in any way. It’s just the way he's acting now that's the problem. I understand he’s moved on, that I broke up with him, and can hardly claim any part of him any longer. It’s just shitty watching him pull half of college right in front of me when a week ago he was mine.’ She ran a hand through her hair. ‘At least I’ve got the decency to keep my private life away from him.’
‘You’re seeing someone else?’ Merlin couldn’t really picture Gwen as the type to hop between men. But then, he hadn’t been able to picture Arthur as the type to be a massive homophobic bell-end either.
‘No, I’m not. I have feelings for someone else. There’s a difference. I want to wait until a decent amount of time has elapsed. And I also need to wait to find out if he is interested, too,’ she laughed. ‘That’s a fairly important part of the equation.’
‘I’m sure he must be interested in you. He’d be mad not to be,’ Merlin said, honestly.
She smiled up at him, ‘You’re sweet. But it’s always impossible to predict these things. He likes me, but we’ve been friends for a year now… I’m probably stuck as ‘friend-girl’ for life: a curiously sexless being.’
‘A eunuch, basically?’ Merlin teased.
She snorted, ‘Yes. I am basically a eunuch. What about you? I saw Tasha hugging you…’
‘Oh no, no way. Nothing’s happening there!’ he said hastily. ‘We were just completely pissed. She fancies Barney, anyway.’
‘And you’re not interested in her?’
‘Nope, definitely not,’ he shook his head for emphasis, then felt a bit harsh. ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with her! She’s just… not my type.’
‘Fair enough. Everyone pulls everyone in freshers’ week though… it’s the one time it seems to be acceptable. I even snogged a girl in freshers’ week!’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘It was part of my ‘political lesbian’ phase. It lasted for the entirety of one night and then I sobered up and realised that men weren’t really the enemy. Well, not all of them, at least.’
‘Thanks!’ Merlin was very good at being sarcastic. He’d honed his talent during seven years of being bullied.
‘You got your eye on anyone else?’ she needled.
‘You’re not my real Mum, Gwen! Bloody hell, you’re nosier than she is!’
‘Just taking an interest in your life.’
‘I’ve had my fill of drunken pulling after last night.’ He weighed up admitting how he felt to her: the whole unrequited crush on Arthur, the fact he fancied men… He decided against it. ‘I’ll just see what happens - take life as it comes. I’m not really fussed about finding someone.’ He tried to sound breezy but he just sounded like he was lying. Which he was. But he didn’t want to make it obvious.
‘Hmm.’ She was unconvinced. 'Ooh, we're here.' She looked up. 'Gown time!'
‘Oi!’ Lance cupped his hands around his mouth and bellowed until he got their attention. ‘Now the six of you have got to get in there,’ he stuck a thumb over his shoulder at the tailor behind him: Ede & Ravenscroft, ‘buy a Queens’ gown, pay, and get out. I would come in there with you but it’s going to be swarming with eighteen-year-olds and frankly I can’t be arsed. I will be in The Anchor and will buy everyone a pint if they make it over there within the next thirty minutes.’ He looked at his watch. ‘It’s 1:47pm. You have until 2:17pm to claim your pint, alright?’
The six of them started giggling. Merlin half expected him to say ‘you will go on my first whistle’ as if they were on an episode of Gladiators or something.
‘Ready, get set… GO!’ and the six of them swarmed inside the tailor, leaving Gwen outside, creased up in helpless laughter.
***
The rest of the day was a blur of trying the gown on, pretending to be batman/a vampire/an extra from Harry Potter, stuffing their faces with pub food, and lying in Barney’s room watching ‘Blackadder’. Merlin decided that Barney wasn’t as much of a knob as he’d first thought.
I mean, yes, the room did feature an FHM calendar (lame), and four pairs of deck shoes lined up under the sink (lamer), but he also had a lot of pictures of him and his parents, and his dogs, and it made him softer, more human.
Ed and Mel ducked out early but the others stayed, eating take-out Dojo’s with varying degrees of success, and swapping stories about their home-lives. Merlin didn’t go into much detail (‘I went to a shitty comp and my name’s Merlin, you figure out how it went’) and Barney admitted that he’d spent his gapyear in his pyjamas on the sofa after he didn’t save enough money to travelling and his parents refused to bankroll him even though his best mates were going on a trip around the world. Akanke had been head-girl at her school and did catalogue modelling in her spare time (which they all found hilarious) but had been dumped the week before Uni. No one in Tasha’s family had ever stayed at school past sixteen so they thought she was a freak for leaving their tiny village in Yorkshire.
It felt nice, Merlin thought, not thinking about his sexuality, or Arthur, or being bullied or anything. He was warm, and he was full, and he was comfortable, and for the first time in years he felt truly at home.
‘Guys, I’m going to have to hit the hay,’ Barney said eventually, once it reached about one am and they were still sprawled on the carpet of his room talking absolute nonsense.
‘Loser,’ Tasha teased. ‘We’re students. We’re supposed to stay up until at least four!’
‘I have my first meeting with my DoS tomorrow, and so do you!’ he chucked a pillow at her.
‘Ow!’ She threw it back.
‘They’re flighting,’ Akanke said seriously, leaning over to Merlin.
'Flighting?' he blinked.
‘Flirt-fighting. You know, she’ll go all giggly and shout ‘stop it!’ and then she’ll get him to chase her around the room. They’ll end up shagging.’
He stifled a laugh, ‘I hope they wait until we’ve left the room at least.’
Barney was now cowering in a ball whilst Tasha whacked him about the head with the pillow.
‘Night you guys,’ Merlin said. ‘Are they even aware we’re still here?’ He asked Akanke.
She sniggered, ‘No, of course they’re not. Where you heading back to?’
‘BB5 in Cripps.’
‘Ah, I’m in Dokett. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ She pressed him into a brief hug and gave a casual wave.
‘Bye!’ Merlin tried again to make them aware of his presence. Nothing. They were ‘flighting’ well and truly now, that was for sure.
He mooched along the corridor back to his staircase, smiling to himself in a goofy way. It was cold outside but he felt all warm inside, which he knew was utterly wanky but he just couldn’t help himself grinning like a moron. Until he pushed open the door to his corridor (he still hadn’t introduced himself to his corridor-mate … he really should) and there was a shape slumped in it. A blond shape. A blond, Arthur-shaped shape.
He was cradling a bottle of wine.
‘Arthur?’
‘Merlin, Merlin! My sidekick!’
‘I’m not your sidekick, Pendragon,’ Merlin said, slowly.
‘Ooh, you wound me, Emrys,’ he clutched his heart as if a barb had just gone into it.
‘What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out chasing ‘gash’ or whatever it is you do?’
‘Naa, well, maybe I should, but I don’t feel like it. I feel like getting drunk and maudlin.’
‘I think you’re drunk enough already.’
Arthur looked down at the bottle. ‘I haven’t even opened it yet, dickhead. I’ve only had like, four pints.’ Like a magician, he pulled two glasses from behind his back. ‘Go on, Merlin.’
‘I saw where binge-drinking got me yesterday, thanks very much.’
‘It got your tongue down the throat of a fit fresher,’ Arthur lectured him.
‘A fit fresher who I don’t fancy, and who fancies someone else.’ He sighed, looked at his watch, ‘A someone else that she's probably shagging now, anyway.’
‘Jealous?’
‘No,’ Merlin shook his head. But he was a bit jealous. Not of Tasha, or of Barney. But of the fact that they were attracted to one another. That they knew that chances were the other person shared their attraction, their orientation. Not like him. He had a shit gaydar. He hadn’t even realised Graham Norton was gay until like, a year ago, and that was just shocking.
‘The wine will make it all better,’ Arthur’s tone was serious but his face was slightly mocking. ‘Its numbing effect will make you forget any woman who has ever hurt you.’
Merlin sighed, kicked Arthur until he got up, and let them into his room. He was embarrassed by how spartan it was. Then he remembered that Arthur was a bigot and decided to forget about being embarrassed and be annoyed instead. ‘No women have ever hurt me.’
‘You’re lucky, then. Plenty have hurt me.’
Merlin snorted, ‘I don’t buy that. You’ve shagged half of college - I’m sure you’ve hurt more than have hurt you.’
‘I have a lot of sex, yes, but I never pretend it’s anything more.’ He rolled his eyes, produced a corkscrew from his pocket. ‘It’s the 21st century, Merlin, it’s fine to fuck around as long as you use a condom.’
‘And you never worry that you hurt people’s feelings?’
‘Stop being such a baby. They expect it of me! They’d probably be disappointed if I did stick around.’ He passed a full glass to Merlin, took a deep sip from his. ‘I’m not a bastard to them. It’s not like I promise I’ll call or tell them how much I like them.’
‘Yeah, well, I’ll never behave like that,’ Merlin insisted, reluctantly taking the wine.
‘You’re a virgin aren’t you,’ Arthur said flatly.
Merlin could feel every single part of him shrivel up in embarrassment. Even the tips of his ears turned red. He could feel it.
‘It’s just a statement of fact, Merlin. If you’d slept with a girl you’d understand that not everything is black and white, alright?’ He poured himself a top-up, despite the fact he’d only filled the glass mere moments before. He slumped down on the end of Merlin’s bed. ‘Budge up.’ Merlin budged, ashamed of himself for thrilling where Arthur’s thigh touched his.
‘Why aren’t you hanging out with Leon or one of those guys?’ It was hardly like Arthur was starved for friends.
‘They’ll judge me for getting upset about Gwen. And you won’t.’
‘How do you know? You barely know me.’
‘I’ve just got a feeling about you, alright? You won’t take the piss about this, I know it.’
‘You’re right... Gwen’s awesome. I’d be gutted if she dumped me,’ Merlin swilled his wine around absentmindedly before necking half of it.
‘Who told you she dumped me?’ Arthur was suddenly on edge.
‘She did,’ Merlin shrugged. ‘S’not like I’m going to tell anyone. She was upset and I guess something in my innocent expression conveyed to her that I’m not a twat that goes around blabbing people’s secrets. Alright?’
Arthur subsided, slumping back against the wall. ‘Fair enough. What else did she say?’
‘I’m not going to end up reporting back to each of you. She’s just a bit sad right now, that’s all.’
‘She’s the one who dumped me!’ Arthur sat up, instantly irate again.
‘She’s still allowed to be sad,’ Merlin reasoned, holding his glass out for more wine, as if he hadn’t been puking in his sink a measly fourteen hours earlier.
‘Whatever, I’m the one who got dumped. First girlfriend I’d had in two years and look where it gets me…’
‘You don’t seem to be suffering that much,’ Merlin pointed out. ‘Last night when I last saw you you were off to a party to get laid.’
Arthur flushed, ‘I’m a dick when I drink.’
Merlin looked pointedly at the glass of wine in Arthur’s hands, ‘Well, when I drink to excess,’ Arthur continued. ‘I’m not normally like that. You know that right?’
Merlin remembered what Tom said; what Gwen said; what Arthur said. Then he looked at Arthur’s earnest face. At his blue eyes, his strong jaw, down to his hand with that ridiculous, flashy signet ring on his little finger.
‘Right,’ he said, throat a little dry, knees a little weak. ‘You’re not like that.’
‘Exactly,’ Arthur smiled, raised his glass to Merlin. ‘Here’s to forgetting girls.’
Merlin clinked his glass.
‘No, scrap that,’ Arthur said, laughing. ‘Here’s to us!’
‘To us,’ Merlin echoed, his voice cracking a bit. He took a big gulp of wine, and it helped him swallow everything he wanted to say.
CHAPTER FOUR