(no subject)
i got off the phone with dylan a few hours ago and right when i mentioned the idea of possibly gathering everyone together to possibly help the majority of some of the n.o. kids, he threw the idea right back. he said he wanted to call and tell me what happened with chris and how he thought it would be helpful to kind of establish a public forum at a show or the levee, and kind of contribute to some of these people growing up and tossing aside their pride and selfishness in exchange for actually caring about their friends as they had done in the past. as the conversation progressed, we both started to discuss how the both of us could work as a team to rebuild the friendship and unity of the n.o. kids. the process we developed is actually quite simple and i feel very strongly that we have a chance of restoring lost friendships and maybe pulling people out of the gaping holes they have gotten themselves into. it's time like these where i'm glad i have someone that shares most of my mental traits...and i'm fortunate enough to be related to one of my closest friends.
i'm happy i'm going back home, but i almost regrettably say that i almost don't want to go. i've done most of my growing up in the place that i ran away from, so there will eternally be a love for the south - and i think it explains why i grow so homesick sometimes. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and the more i think about it, the less i want to return. here i have so many kick ass friends, and it's almost as if there's this unit that would do anything for eachother. the people i associate myself with are the kind of people that i want to surround myself with. some of the people here are the most down to earth, understanding people i have ever come across. they make me feel real and appreaciative of life. i don't want to leave that behind. i know i'll end up coming back, whether it be a permanant move or just a slight vacation, but i sometimes dread going back to a place that has been consumed by a tidal wave that has drowned all of its people. it's because i love those people that are still struggling for air that i feel like i have to return, but i don't want to be pulled under the current as well.
going back and reading a past entry, i read that i hated myself. that i felt like no one was there to help me and that there was no one there to listen. i felt trapped, confused, and...alone. i read that i wanted to escape, but no where to escape to. i also read how i thought about sometimes cutting, but how i knew t hat it would only cause more problems. reading that, i don't want to even imagine how other people feel, although i am almost certain they are along the same line. i don't ever want to feel like that again. i never want to feel that no one understands me and i never want to feel that no one can lay a finger on who i am and what i am about. i don't ever want to go back to that. i'm so mellow and completely happy with everything around me. and i fear going back and getting so entangled that i once again transform into the person that i never want to be again. but i do want to go back to possibly help at least one person that felt similar as i did, and to be that one person to prove them wrong and show them that yes, there is someone who does care, and there is someone that does know who you are, and most importantly, someone who understands. i want to help at least one person and show them that not everyone is as shallow as they think and not everyone is judgemental close-minded.
i know i'm going back. i don't want to abandon the people i've shared so many experiences with and have really grown up around. i care too much for all of them. but i am scared of not being able to help them for i still have not mastered how to help myself. dylan and i do care about people in general - and some that we don't know that well - and it's because we care we want to help. but what if we can't? what if all that we're willing to do isn't enough? you would think that if we failed in trying to better people that don't want/need our aid that it would be easy to walk away. but, truth is, it's extremely difficult. and it's even more difficult to face the fact that there will be disappointments, and not everyone will pull through to the surface and finally breathe, finally feel as they have in the past, and finally live.
i'm happy i'm going back home, but i almost regrettably say that i almost don't want to go. i've done most of my growing up in the place that i ran away from, so there will eternally be a love for the south - and i think it explains why i grow so homesick sometimes. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and the more i think about it, the less i want to return. here i have so many kick ass friends, and it's almost as if there's this unit that would do anything for eachother. the people i associate myself with are the kind of people that i want to surround myself with. some of the people here are the most down to earth, understanding people i have ever come across. they make me feel real and appreaciative of life. i don't want to leave that behind. i know i'll end up coming back, whether it be a permanant move or just a slight vacation, but i sometimes dread going back to a place that has been consumed by a tidal wave that has drowned all of its people. it's because i love those people that are still struggling for air that i feel like i have to return, but i don't want to be pulled under the current as well.
going back and reading a past entry, i read that i hated myself. that i felt like no one was there to help me and that there was no one there to listen. i felt trapped, confused, and...alone. i read that i wanted to escape, but no where to escape to. i also read how i thought about sometimes cutting, but how i knew t hat it would only cause more problems. reading that, i don't want to even imagine how other people feel, although i am almost certain they are along the same line. i don't ever want to feel like that again. i never want to feel that no one understands me and i never want to feel that no one can lay a finger on who i am and what i am about. i don't ever want to go back to that. i'm so mellow and completely happy with everything around me. and i fear going back and getting so entangled that i once again transform into the person that i never want to be again. but i do want to go back to possibly help at least one person that felt similar as i did, and to be that one person to prove them wrong and show them that yes, there is someone who does care, and there is someone that does know who you are, and most importantly, someone who understands. i want to help at least one person and show them that not everyone is as shallow as they think and not everyone is judgemental close-minded.
i know i'm going back. i don't want to abandon the people i've shared so many experiences with and have really grown up around. i care too much for all of them. but i am scared of not being able to help them for i still have not mastered how to help myself. dylan and i do care about people in general - and some that we don't know that well - and it's because we care we want to help. but what if we can't? what if all that we're willing to do isn't enough? you would think that if we failed in trying to better people that don't want/need our aid that it would be easy to walk away. but, truth is, it's extremely difficult. and it's even more difficult to face the fact that there will be disappointments, and not everyone will pull through to the surface and finally breathe, finally feel as they have in the past, and finally live.