(no subject)
[mood| 
frustrated]
life is weird.....well, maybe i should say people. People that you hoped--and thought--you had connected with on some sort of level fall through, and people who you assumed you had nothing in common with anymore provide an unexpected comfort.
Maybe i should stop being so mean to people. It doesnt seem to be getting me far in my life right now.
Spring break has been such a trip.....seeing everyone back at work, hollister, Santa Rosa/Sonoma, Indian Casinos, trying to figure out people and their feelings, San Francisco, bars, swim meets (i want to go back to high school for the sole purpose of being on the team again), dinner with my cousins, seeing the baby, cooking dinner, getting things pierced, seeing a play, seeing old friends....i packed so much into this week.
I love coming home. But while it's an incredible feeling to know the comfort of home, it's so difficult at the same time. I guess that's why i pack so much into my schedule when i come home, so that i don't have to deal with the stuff that i should be dealing with. I love my brother so much, but he's so hard to figure out. Say one wrong thing to him and he explodes and the world shatters and nothing is good enough for him. There is all this stuff that goes on with him, that he's going through and i dont know any of it (or, most of it, i guess) so i don't know what to do. I choose to see what i want to see...i didn't see a lot of what was going on until i went to palm springs a few weeks back and talked to my cousin about my dad, and everything he said was completely the truth. Unbelievable. It feels like sophomore/junior year all over again, with me choosing to be oblivious to all problems and putting on the strong face for everyone to see while the rest of family cringes in the corner because they cant deal with anything thats going on. Ahh, what a life.
I know there are people to talk to, but at the same time it's like...you can only tell the same people the same thing over and over. And i love my friends i have made at school, but they dont know where i'm coming from. I miss talking to andres everyday...he was/is the one i would go to all the time. It's so weird not having him around anymore. at the same time, i feel like i need to vent to someone who doesnt know anything about the situation, someone neutral who isnt going to try to analyze me (so don't say a therapist. I might have to kill you), but the people that i have in mind just dont seem to care. So. Maybe i should assert myself and tell them anyways, but i want to know that they would actually pay attention to me, and i'm not so those i have in mind would really comply. I kind of just want to sit and think and vent but i cant. Not that i'm sorry my friends are here, i'm having so much fun. It's all a mess in my head. Maybe on the drive down. I'd like to get it all sorted before classes start, but hopefully by the end of the week...
frustrated]
life is weird.....well, maybe i should say people. People that you hoped--and thought--you had connected with on some sort of level fall through, and people who you assumed you had nothing in common with anymore provide an unexpected comfort.
Maybe i should stop being so mean to people. It doesnt seem to be getting me far in my life right now.
Spring break has been such a trip.....seeing everyone back at work, hollister, Santa Rosa/Sonoma, Indian Casinos, trying to figure out people and their feelings, San Francisco, bars, swim meets (i want to go back to high school for the sole purpose of being on the team again), dinner with my cousins, seeing the baby, cooking dinner, getting things pierced, seeing a play, seeing old friends....i packed so much into this week.
I love coming home. But while it's an incredible feeling to know the comfort of home, it's so difficult at the same time. I guess that's why i pack so much into my schedule when i come home, so that i don't have to deal with the stuff that i should be dealing with. I love my brother so much, but he's so hard to figure out. Say one wrong thing to him and he explodes and the world shatters and nothing is good enough for him. There is all this stuff that goes on with him, that he's going through and i dont know any of it (or, most of it, i guess) so i don't know what to do. I choose to see what i want to see...i didn't see a lot of what was going on until i went to palm springs a few weeks back and talked to my cousin about my dad, and everything he said was completely the truth. Unbelievable. It feels like sophomore/junior year all over again, with me choosing to be oblivious to all problems and putting on the strong face for everyone to see while the rest of family cringes in the corner because they cant deal with anything thats going on. Ahh, what a life.
I know there are people to talk to, but at the same time it's like...you can only tell the same people the same thing over and over. And i love my friends i have made at school, but they dont know where i'm coming from. I miss talking to andres everyday...he was/is the one i would go to all the time. It's so weird not having him around anymore. at the same time, i feel like i need to vent to someone who doesnt know anything about the situation, someone neutral who isnt going to try to analyze me (so don't say a therapist. I might have to kill you), but the people that i have in mind just dont seem to care. So. Maybe i should assert myself and tell them anyways, but i want to know that they would actually pay attention to me, and i'm not so those i have in mind would really comply. I kind of just want to sit and think and vent but i cant. Not that i'm sorry my friends are here, i'm having so much fun. It's all a mess in my head. Maybe on the drive down. I'd like to get it all sorted before classes start, but hopefully by the end of the week...