depressive nausea.....
I feel so sick right now that I can hardly breathe. God, and it's funny, I haven't felt this bad in a LONG time. But a few things happened today that put me in this state.
and I was doing so well....fuck.....
I went to Richland today. I honestly don't think I can go there anymore. It makes me so very sick, remembering everything from there. I really grew up there, and really fucked myself up there, and only a few good things came out of it, but in all honesty, I just don't think I can go there anymore. But I don't get it; I mean, I was doing so well and then it all came crashing down around me and I have no desire to talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything, or even speak. It's a hard emotion to have....AND I WAS DOING SO WELL........
So I go to Richland, which was strange enough, but then, out of the fucking blue, I get a phone call from Jordan. What the fuck?! I do not want to fucking ever speak to him again. And I honestly hope he reads this so that he never calls me again and so that I never hear his voice, see his face, nothing ever again. I cannot handle him and his memory. I had a hard enough time getting over it, but to brush it up again with old shit makes me have an even harder time of it. And then, to make it even better, one of the cast members reminded me so much of him in his looks and mannerisms that it seemed to be him and I was filled with this intense anger and frustration, though mostly at myself because I could not get past it.
And then there's a realization that I hate.....I hate knowing that I am alone and without the prospect of meeting someone. knowing that I don't want to meet anyone because it will all happen just the same....and it does. I get more offers for casually sexual encounters than I can count. I swear to god. I mean, since Jordan and I broke up, I've had 3 offers. Do I have a sign around my neck or something? And granted, I know I'm leaving for the summer and the only thing that would be smart to do on my part would be to have a nothing relationship, but
I don't fucking want that!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want a fuck-buddy or friends with benefits. I want to be in love with someone. Really honestly in love. I want someone to remember my birthday and know that I love snapdragons just because of their name, so he goes and finds some for me, even though it requires a flower shop. I want someone to take me to the zoo just for fun or plan surprises (among other things). I want someone to show up at my work just to see me, or to show up at my house without calling first to see that I was home.
and the worst part is....I really liked Christopher. Even though we're both leaving (me in the summer, him in the fall), both busy, and both have much greater priorities, I cannot deny the fact that I want to sit with him, curled up on the couch and watch movies that he's never seen before. I really thought he might be someone real, not just a flash in the pan.
Oh how I hate this feeling.....
3:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos
and I was doing so well....fuck.....
I went to Richland today. I honestly don't think I can go there anymore. It makes me so very sick, remembering everything from there. I really grew up there, and really fucked myself up there, and only a few good things came out of it, but in all honesty, I just don't think I can go there anymore. But I don't get it; I mean, I was doing so well and then it all came crashing down around me and I have no desire to talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything, or even speak. It's a hard emotion to have....AND I WAS DOING SO WELL........
So I go to Richland, which was strange enough, but then, out of the fucking blue, I get a phone call from Jordan. What the fuck?! I do not want to fucking ever speak to him again. And I honestly hope he reads this so that he never calls me again and so that I never hear his voice, see his face, nothing ever again. I cannot handle him and his memory. I had a hard enough time getting over it, but to brush it up again with old shit makes me have an even harder time of it. And then, to make it even better, one of the cast members reminded me so much of him in his looks and mannerisms that it seemed to be him and I was filled with this intense anger and frustration, though mostly at myself because I could not get past it.
And then there's a realization that I hate.....I hate knowing that I am alone and without the prospect of meeting someone. knowing that I don't want to meet anyone because it will all happen just the same....and it does. I get more offers for casually sexual encounters than I can count. I swear to god. I mean, since Jordan and I broke up, I've had 3 offers. Do I have a sign around my neck or something? And granted, I know I'm leaving for the summer and the only thing that would be smart to do on my part would be to have a nothing relationship, but
I don't fucking want that!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want a fuck-buddy or friends with benefits. I want to be in love with someone. Really honestly in love. I want someone to remember my birthday and know that I love snapdragons just because of their name, so he goes and finds some for me, even though it requires a flower shop. I want someone to take me to the zoo just for fun or plan surprises (among other things). I want someone to show up at my work just to see me, or to show up at my house without calling first to see that I was home.
and the worst part is....I really liked Christopher. Even though we're both leaving (me in the summer, him in the fall), both busy, and both have much greater priorities, I cannot deny the fact that I want to sit with him, curled up on the couch and watch movies that he's never seen before. I really thought he might be someone real, not just a flash in the pan.
Oh how I hate this feeling.....
3:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos