Finicky
I find this word rather amusing. I thought about it and how it applied to everyday life. I have come to the conclusion that everyone is finicky in their own little way. (Def. of finicky: Insisting capriciously on getting just what one wants; difficult to please; fastidious. Right now I could apply that to many situations with other people. But then again, I cannot go without adding myself to the group. I will admit I am finicky. I insist on getting what I want when I want...even though 99% of the time it NEVER works out that way. At least not in a selfish sense. For instance, I insist that everyone who needs to be smacked should be smacked...though in reality I can't actually go around smacking people who obviously need it because certain rules have to be followed. I know I am one for breaking the rules and the norm because I can't stand much conformity. But, I have my future to think about. Yes, something that I never thought would ever be a possibility...it has become a sudden stake in reality. I have a future. One with a person that I love. One where I can be independent and obnoxious if I want to. I have thought many times about what I want to do with my life. I am seriously thinking about going back to school...but I just don't know what for really. In my opinion, being in school and not knowing what you really want to do is a waste of time because you spend more time worrying about not knowing what you want to do that you never get a true sense of yourself and what you are meant to do. I am thinking about law, or nursing, but then again I think about how I can invest in my beloved piano and teach that to little kids. I would have my own shedule. But, what remains to be known..at least to me...is, do I really want to spend the rest of my life doing just one thing when I have so many interests in other things? I don't know. Anyways enough about all that.
I have been doing some serious thinking lately. I am in conflict with myself on whether or not to pursue something that has in a sense has destroyed a part of me. Yet, I want to bring overdue justice to the situation because what happened was wrong. But, can I handle it? It will be very stressful...all the pain that accompanies it. In my heart I want to progress with the situation because it is the right thing to do...and I have a sense of feeling that I am not the only one that was hurt by this person. GAH!!! It is tearing my being into shreds. I have really thought about contacting a program for people who are in the same situation that I'm in. I don't know. It is still in debate in my conscious.
I have also thought about writing a book. Yeah, I know...far fetched. It will be somewhat about my life...but mostly about living with bipolar and all that other crap that goes along with it. It is a real struggle. It is hard to control it without all the antidepressants and mood stabilizers and crap. But I have been doing it...I AM doing it! May 22 was the 1 year anniversary of me taking control of my well-being. I stopped taking the medication and going to the doctors. I am determined not to let it drag me down anymore than it has. Willpower...that's all it takes...that and a lotta love.
I have been doing some serious thinking lately. I am in conflict with myself on whether or not to pursue something that has in a sense has destroyed a part of me. Yet, I want to bring overdue justice to the situation because what happened was wrong. But, can I handle it? It will be very stressful...all the pain that accompanies it. In my heart I want to progress with the situation because it is the right thing to do...and I have a sense of feeling that I am not the only one that was hurt by this person. GAH!!! It is tearing my being into shreds. I have really thought about contacting a program for people who are in the same situation that I'm in. I don't know. It is still in debate in my conscious.
I have also thought about writing a book. Yeah, I know...far fetched. It will be somewhat about my life...but mostly about living with bipolar and all that other crap that goes along with it. It is a real struggle. It is hard to control it without all the antidepressants and mood stabilizers and crap. But I have been doing it...I AM doing it! May 22 was the 1 year anniversary of me taking control of my well-being. I stopped taking the medication and going to the doctors. I am determined not to let it drag me down anymore than it has. Willpower...that's all it takes...that and a lotta love.