(no subject)
I've got a weird feeling again. I know that's all I ever seem to talk about on here, but it usually ends up being a pretty good way to get rid of it.
I've stopped counting the number of times I've been passed over by my peers for leadership positions. I think I've made some genuine strides in portraying myself as the type of person I'd like to be, but it hasn't seemed to come to much yet, and I'm not sure why that is. Part of the reason I came to MSU, admittedly, was to force myself to aspire to greater things than a small, quiet life in Maine, which I easily could have taken, and I've been successful in that regard. But seeing myself that close to the top only to be deemed less deserving, regardless of the quality of the people in front of me, is a little bit defeating. I guess I still don't handle "losing" well.
Lately I've been dropping a lot of schedule conflicts, mostly because it's so easy for my mindset to be dominated by band and band-related things that I forget to check for other conflicts. It happened twice over the weekend, and in both cases I'm sure I made some good friends very angry with me. Again, I'm not sure what to do in the face of failure other than dismiss it as uncharacteristic, straighten up my posture, and promise to keep the good path of reliability again. There is nothing I hate more than unreliability, I can't stand having it attached to me or my work habits in any way, and I fear that it is. I can only hope I've proven myself enough to people prior to my goof-ups that I may still be able to keep up good work.
Most of all, uncertainty seems to be destroying my psyche at this point. The fear of becoming what I detest most in people is enough to make me question every aspect of my life and its workings, and I can't take much more of it. Friends help when I can bring myself to be open enough about my personal problems, but for the most part I tend to keep a lot of this inner conflict to myself, which I know isn't healthy. If I'm to be a leader, I have to find a way to deal with my personal problems in an efficient way, and keeping them bottled up is definitely not helping at this point. I know a few people I can trust, but I still don't feel comfortable opening up even to them.
On top of that, I've still got 17 credits worth of coursework to keep up with, along with a planned recital next semester to start working towards. If I listed everything I had to do in the next few weeks here, I would probably go into shock just from seeing it all stacked up in one place.
So I'll try to keep it going one day at a time, and hopefully everything will turn out alright. I like to think I remain an optimist in spite of all my personal troubles, and that's the attitude I've got to take if I hope to get out of this semester in good shape. I'll keep it together, one way or another.
I've stopped counting the number of times I've been passed over by my peers for leadership positions. I think I've made some genuine strides in portraying myself as the type of person I'd like to be, but it hasn't seemed to come to much yet, and I'm not sure why that is. Part of the reason I came to MSU, admittedly, was to force myself to aspire to greater things than a small, quiet life in Maine, which I easily could have taken, and I've been successful in that regard. But seeing myself that close to the top only to be deemed less deserving, regardless of the quality of the people in front of me, is a little bit defeating. I guess I still don't handle "losing" well.
Lately I've been dropping a lot of schedule conflicts, mostly because it's so easy for my mindset to be dominated by band and band-related things that I forget to check for other conflicts. It happened twice over the weekend, and in both cases I'm sure I made some good friends very angry with me. Again, I'm not sure what to do in the face of failure other than dismiss it as uncharacteristic, straighten up my posture, and promise to keep the good path of reliability again. There is nothing I hate more than unreliability, I can't stand having it attached to me or my work habits in any way, and I fear that it is. I can only hope I've proven myself enough to people prior to my goof-ups that I may still be able to keep up good work.
Most of all, uncertainty seems to be destroying my psyche at this point. The fear of becoming what I detest most in people is enough to make me question every aspect of my life and its workings, and I can't take much more of it. Friends help when I can bring myself to be open enough about my personal problems, but for the most part I tend to keep a lot of this inner conflict to myself, which I know isn't healthy. If I'm to be a leader, I have to find a way to deal with my personal problems in an efficient way, and keeping them bottled up is definitely not helping at this point. I know a few people I can trust, but I still don't feel comfortable opening up even to them.
On top of that, I've still got 17 credits worth of coursework to keep up with, along with a planned recital next semester to start working towards. If I listed everything I had to do in the next few weeks here, I would probably go into shock just from seeing it all stacked up in one place.
So I'll try to keep it going one day at a time, and hopefully everything will turn out alright. I like to think I remain an optimist in spite of all my personal troubles, and that's the attitude I've got to take if I hope to get out of this semester in good shape. I'll keep it together, one way or another.