Controlling: Part 2
Yesterday I made a post that was kinda vague about what was going on as far as trying to control things.
Its two different things: The first one is his pipe smoking... I knew he did but only on special occaisions like his birthday and christmas, but he never did it when I dated him and said he wouldnt if it bothered me. he didnt even have a pipe but wanted to buy one on our honeymoon and celebrate us getting married. I don't like smoking, I don't like kissing someone after they've smoked, I dont like the habit... I just don't like it. It's unhealthy. Granted, pipe smoking smells better than any other kind of smoking, but I still don't like it. I didnt let him get one on our honeymoon but I felt guilty for doing that cuz he's done it for years and it's only two or three times a year that he wants to smoke it. So... I went out with him and bought him a pipe last week and some tobacco to smoke it... of course he wanted to smoke it... so I let him. And 2 times since then. It just bothers me. I wish he didn't but I feel bad asking him not to do it.
The second one is a tattoo. I knew he wanted to get one on his arm, but he wasnt seriously considering it. Again, I don't like tattoos. I know they're important if they're meaningful, which this would be... to remember his best friend that he served in Iraq with that died, he carries a lot of guilt with it, always wears a bracelet that has his friends name and all the army info... NEVER takes it off, and he wants to replace it with a tattoo on his arm... and I can understand that...
I mean we've talked about this multiple times. The night we got the pipe I broke down after I saw him smoke it and it just escalated to the point where he felt like he wanted to just walk out (after I left the room and went into the bedroom... to cry more cuz he doesnt like seeing me cry, probably shouldnt have left the room though). He said after that whole ordeal he wanted to just throw the pipe and everything off of the balcony because it doesnt make me happy. But I don't want him to sacrifice everything and maybe his happiness (though all he said he needed to be happy is me) just to make me happy, it's not right. He told me I'm going to have to really think about things and see if I can handle knowing that he might not convert... I did before we got married and now that I saw it it's like all new again. So he still has the pipe and everything and he asks every time before he smokes it if it's okay.
We talked about the tattoos a couple of times. The one for his friend, I can see why he wants to do that, and I wont stop him. But he knows I dont like it and wont do it until I say it's okay. Then he brought up that he might want others after that, or a what if rather. And then I said I'd rather him not. But again, I can't stop him, he's his own man and if he wants it he should do it. I just personally can't give him an okay.
I know I probably sound like a tight wad, but I fell in love with him because he's clean cut, doesnt smoke, doesnt drink... and now I feel like he's slowly becoming opposite of that. I feel like I don't really know him anymore.
I think mainly the real reason it upsets me is because I romanced the idea that he would convert and be LDS and I would get my temple marriage and get sealed to him forever, since he practically lived the lifestyle anyway... went to church with me every week too. Now him doing this is like rubbing salt into the wound that I might not ever get that... it's a taste of reality I guess.
I guess it's just a case of "you made your bed, now lie in it"...
A couple of friends of mine told me to compromise about it. I just don't see a compromise when it comes to "smoke" or "don't smoke", or "get a tattoo" or "don't get a tattoo". How is there a compromise? *sigh* maybe I'm just blind.
He should be able to do whatever he wants, I just wish he wouldnt. And I feel guilty asking him not to.
Its two different things: The first one is his pipe smoking... I knew he did but only on special occaisions like his birthday and christmas, but he never did it when I dated him and said he wouldnt if it bothered me. he didnt even have a pipe but wanted to buy one on our honeymoon and celebrate us getting married. I don't like smoking, I don't like kissing someone after they've smoked, I dont like the habit... I just don't like it. It's unhealthy. Granted, pipe smoking smells better than any other kind of smoking, but I still don't like it. I didnt let him get one on our honeymoon but I felt guilty for doing that cuz he's done it for years and it's only two or three times a year that he wants to smoke it. So... I went out with him and bought him a pipe last week and some tobacco to smoke it... of course he wanted to smoke it... so I let him. And 2 times since then. It just bothers me. I wish he didn't but I feel bad asking him not to do it.
The second one is a tattoo. I knew he wanted to get one on his arm, but he wasnt seriously considering it. Again, I don't like tattoos. I know they're important if they're meaningful, which this would be... to remember his best friend that he served in Iraq with that died, he carries a lot of guilt with it, always wears a bracelet that has his friends name and all the army info... NEVER takes it off, and he wants to replace it with a tattoo on his arm... and I can understand that...
I mean we've talked about this multiple times. The night we got the pipe I broke down after I saw him smoke it and it just escalated to the point where he felt like he wanted to just walk out (after I left the room and went into the bedroom... to cry more cuz he doesnt like seeing me cry, probably shouldnt have left the room though). He said after that whole ordeal he wanted to just throw the pipe and everything off of the balcony because it doesnt make me happy. But I don't want him to sacrifice everything and maybe his happiness (though all he said he needed to be happy is me) just to make me happy, it's not right. He told me I'm going to have to really think about things and see if I can handle knowing that he might not convert... I did before we got married and now that I saw it it's like all new again. So he still has the pipe and everything and he asks every time before he smokes it if it's okay.
We talked about the tattoos a couple of times. The one for his friend, I can see why he wants to do that, and I wont stop him. But he knows I dont like it and wont do it until I say it's okay. Then he brought up that he might want others after that, or a what if rather. And then I said I'd rather him not. But again, I can't stop him, he's his own man and if he wants it he should do it. I just personally can't give him an okay.
I know I probably sound like a tight wad, but I fell in love with him because he's clean cut, doesnt smoke, doesnt drink... and now I feel like he's slowly becoming opposite of that. I feel like I don't really know him anymore.
I think mainly the real reason it upsets me is because I romanced the idea that he would convert and be LDS and I would get my temple marriage and get sealed to him forever, since he practically lived the lifestyle anyway... went to church with me every week too. Now him doing this is like rubbing salt into the wound that I might not ever get that... it's a taste of reality I guess.
I guess it's just a case of "you made your bed, now lie in it"...
A couple of friends of mine told me to compromise about it. I just don't see a compromise when it comes to "smoke" or "don't smoke", or "get a tattoo" or "don't get a tattoo". How is there a compromise? *sigh* maybe I'm just blind.
He should be able to do whatever he wants, I just wish he wouldnt. And I feel guilty asking him not to.