Lonliness and mortification
I've been so well behaved since my new job began. No more partying until the wee hours of the morning on weeknights. Smoking much less (not at all while on the work clock), drinking much less, sleeping more, and becoming much more of a homebody. I constantly ache to see my friends in the city, but I know that I am taking the more prudent route by staying home. My dreams just make my longing to see my friends worse. I see all them in my sleep. Sometimes the dreams are very real, sometimes, they are utterly impossible, but my friends are with me nonetheless. Sometimes the actions of my dreams make me question my relationships with my friends and wonder if I've chosen wisely.
Although I did go toe that wretched punk vs. metal show to support stephen last night. He had a friend there that made me feel awful, belittling me in a subtle, catty way every moment she had the opportunity. I got a few jabs in too though. Of course I felt awful, because I hate being a catty person, but sometimes its just what you have to do to survive.
This morning I had to show my little dog. I remained more calm than normal, but eventually my nerves caught up to me. I blame those around me for telling me to relax, which only seems to make me more tense than calm. Then to ice the cake my little dog acted like a big jerk. I tried everything I knew but could not get him to behave. I'm horrified by imagining the things those people said about me. I'm sure I was called a stupid little girl quite a few times where I couldn't hear. I tried to grin and bear it, but I wear my heart on my sleave, and I know I was secretly criticized more for my disappointment. When I got home I took a nap. I was fatigued. I can't explain it. Something about dog shows makes me so tired that when I move I feel like I'm trying to swim through a sea of thick glue. I woke up and felt completely disoriented in the place I know the best. Tomorrow is another day, at least. I can change my out fit and my hair style and pretend to be someone else.
Although I did go toe that wretched punk vs. metal show to support stephen last night. He had a friend there that made me feel awful, belittling me in a subtle, catty way every moment she had the opportunity. I got a few jabs in too though. Of course I felt awful, because I hate being a catty person, but sometimes its just what you have to do to survive.
This morning I had to show my little dog. I remained more calm than normal, but eventually my nerves caught up to me. I blame those around me for telling me to relax, which only seems to make me more tense than calm. Then to ice the cake my little dog acted like a big jerk. I tried everything I knew but could not get him to behave. I'm horrified by imagining the things those people said about me. I'm sure I was called a stupid little girl quite a few times where I couldn't hear. I tried to grin and bear it, but I wear my heart on my sleave, and I know I was secretly criticized more for my disappointment. When I got home I took a nap. I was fatigued. I can't explain it. Something about dog shows makes me so tired that when I move I feel like I'm trying to swim through a sea of thick glue. I woke up and felt completely disoriented in the place I know the best. Tomorrow is another day, at least. I can change my out fit and my hair style and pretend to be someone else.