(no subject)
hi pi pan. how are you? not so well? feel so lonely that you're left by me? i'm sorry. feel like i'm getting emo lately. envy on those people so much is really tiring and frustrating you know, since i have no one to talk to and no activity to run to. yeah i know i'm whining about this quite much and seems like i'm not thankful with life given, but this bad mood just doesn't easily disappear.
what now? are you saying i spoil those negative thoughts? no way! i try to get rid of them for sure. and for couple of times, it worked. those happiness lists, good chats with friends, good times i enjoy with family, etc.
guess i should be more and more patient, shouldn't i? people can't always depend on people. we're born alone and surely there will be times when we have to be alone. it's not that those people are leaving you, it's just........ oh come on del, don't be so silly.
you know what, the most silly thing i ever did in my whole life was crying while showering. and that silly thing happened was JUST because i was really that frustrated i couldn't go outside, while some of my friends asked me to go on their short holiday. i saw their photos, they seemed very happy enjoying their 5 days break before those 'routine' again. i was happy for them. too bad i couldn't go. TOO BAD. and yes, i cried.
so stupid, huh? and i caught myself looking so ugly while crying. oh God now i know why we, human, are better when smiling than crying. it's just........ ugly.
and what made it worst was he wasn't there when i needed him. he overslept, he was busy, he had no signal, blablabla. i didn't say that i didn't trust him. it was just "Y U NO THERE WHEN I NEED U?!" yes, he responded of course. but he was too late. those 'flooding' moment had disappear. gone. and since i knew it wasn't his fault, then i had no right to be upset to him. it was just me that was too much.
now you see how emo i am lately, right no pi-pan? and i also get TOO sensitive lately. my dad keeps saying "you can do it yourself, no?" while i'm asking a help to go upstairs or just to grab something far. and my mom keeps joking about me bothering people, can't be independent, etc. NOT FUNNY MOM AND DAD! IF I CAN DO IT MYSELF THEN I WON'T ASK ANY HELP! :'(
i. need. to. get. rid. of. this. negativity. immediately. but how? how if it comes back?
oh God please give me moreeeeeeee.. strength to be more patient. aamiin.
what now? are you saying i spoil those negative thoughts? no way! i try to get rid of them for sure. and for couple of times, it worked. those happiness lists, good chats with friends, good times i enjoy with family, etc.
guess i should be more and more patient, shouldn't i? people can't always depend on people. we're born alone and surely there will be times when we have to be alone. it's not that those people are leaving you, it's just........ oh come on del, don't be so silly.
you know what, the most silly thing i ever did in my whole life was crying while showering. and that silly thing happened was JUST because i was really that frustrated i couldn't go outside, while some of my friends asked me to go on their short holiday. i saw their photos, they seemed very happy enjoying their 5 days break before those 'routine' again. i was happy for them. too bad i couldn't go. TOO BAD. and yes, i cried.
so stupid, huh? and i caught myself looking so ugly while crying. oh God now i know why we, human, are better when smiling than crying. it's just........ ugly.
and what made it worst was he wasn't there when i needed him. he overslept, he was busy, he had no signal, blablabla. i didn't say that i didn't trust him. it was just "Y U NO THERE WHEN I NEED U?!" yes, he responded of course. but he was too late. those 'flooding' moment had disappear. gone. and since i knew it wasn't his fault, then i had no right to be upset to him. it was just me that was too much.
now you see how emo i am lately, right no pi-pan? and i also get TOO sensitive lately. my dad keeps saying "you can do it yourself, no?" while i'm asking a help to go upstairs or just to grab something far. and my mom keeps joking about me bothering people, can't be independent, etc. NOT FUNNY MOM AND DAD! IF I CAN DO IT MYSELF THEN I WON'T ASK ANY HELP! :'(
i. need. to. get. rid. of. this. negativity. immediately. but how? how if it comes back?
oh God please give me moreeeeeeee.. strength to be more patient. aamiin.