One-shot fic: Let's Not
Title: Let’s Not
Author: Baka Anjii
Characters: Akanishi Jin, Kamenashi Kazuya, Tanaka Koki and Ueda Tatsuya
Pairings: Akame, KoKame and JinDa
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance, One-shot
Theme song: Let’s Not by Super Junior KRY
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this fic but I do own the plot and the whole story, so please do not sue me.
A/N: Inspired by Nikattun’s one-shot entitled Helpless Night, this is Jin’s P.O.V. and I stole the summary from her, so yah credits to you Kame-chan<3 because I suck and please listen to Let’s Not by Super Junior KRY while reading, adds the feeling and emotions to the story.
Legends: Lines in italics are flash backs or words said in their thoughts while lines in bold italic are text messages/emails.
Warning: Angst! Very sad. D:
Summary/Plot: All started in one helpless night of despair enveloping them. Then, come happiness and all that jazz. However, what if the circumstances played at you? After all, what comes around goes around, right? And hey, what if love blinded you? What will you do to ease the confusion?
“I hate you! I hate you so much you Idiot!”
Those words were the words I feared the most to hear from the most treasured person in my life. I did not see it coming. Blinded and too confuse with the things happening in my life both personally and at work, things just happened like a flash and the next thing I knew; I already lost the person I was so afraid to lose.
…
February 20, 2009
I was out in Shibuya with Tatsuya. My feelings were growing stronger and stronger every second that is passing by. I cannot hold it anymore. Each passing moment I spend with him, just makes me realize that I am falling deeper in love with him. I do not understand how or why, I just…do.
It is not long since my old girlfriend broke up with me. She said she cannot make me happy and we are better off separated and that is it, end of our story. That time, the only person by my side was Tatsuya. He held me in his arms protectively as I cried my heart out to him.
‘She doesn’t deserve you Jin. Do not cry. It’s alright.’
Those words came out from an angel’s lips. Soothing my troubled heart, lifting me up from all my pains. I was completely swept off my feet. We started hanging out unlike we used to; he is always there to put a smile on my face. He was my best pain reliever. He would always ask if I am doing fine, how I am feeling and if I want anything. Just the thing I needed the most that time. I could not ask for more. I just found myself falling, again but I kept it. At least I tried to.
Kazuya and the rest of the band were busy with their own solo projects but they try their best to check on me occasionally. It was nice but the person who showed so much affection was Tatsuya and I was the kind of man who easily falls for people like him. Stupid I know, but I cannot help it.
Finally, my feelings were too strong and I could not handle it anymore. I suddenly stopped walking, making sure we are not in the sight of so many people. I leaned my back on the wall at the corner of the street, my eyes casted down and pinned to my toes. Tatsuya looked back and frowned.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, face full of concern.
I shook my head, took a deep breath and looked up at him. Putting on my best smile, “Nothing-“I breathed out.
“Are you sure?” he asked again; face still the same as before. Worried.
I kept that smile on my face though my knees were shaking in nervousness and fear. My heart raced wildly as if it is about to jump right out of my chest. Again, I took a deep breath and looked straight into his beautiful brown eyes.
“I like you, a lot.” I managed to breathe it out clearly yet still my voice was shaking.
He stared at me, face blank. It scared me more than I am feeling already. I casted my gaze down again and heard him giggle. I looked up and stared at him with a pout. “What’s funny?” I questioned quirking an eyebrow up at him.
He shook his head and took a deep breath as well. “Nothing.” He mumbled and his giggling façade was instantly turned into a serious one as he cast his eyes at me. His stare was heavy, piercing through me.
I sighed and rubbed a hand on my nape, “So tell me. What do you say?” I finally asked I could not take the tension anymore.
“I like you too Jin.” He said casually, leaning his back on the same wall, I was leaning into. He smiled at me before looking up at the dimming sky.
“But you have to understand, it’s not that easy for us to get together. I am new to this. You’ll be my first boyfriend if we go on with it so I’m not sure yet. I need to think about it. Give me some time, okay?” he hummed quietly.
It took a while before his words sink into my rotted mind. “Okay.” I smiled and we continued to walk the busy streets of Shibuya, lucking still unnoticed.
…
February 22, 2009
I woke up at exactly 6:30 am. It was our day off. I tried going back to sleep, but I cannot. I stared at the white concrete ceiling of my room. Mind blank until my phone rang. It was Tatsuya. My senses suddenly shot awake. I hurried and picked my phone up to answer. “H-Hello?”
“Jin.” He greeted me with his sweet and soft soothing voice. I could not help but smile.
“Hey~” I greeted back, “Can’t sleep?” I asked and leaned my back on my bed’s headboard.
He chuckled, “Well, I’ve been thinking. I want to tell you something before I go back to bed. I can’t wait anymore.” He started.
“Mm, what is it?” I asked nervously. Could it be it?
“Jin, I want to try it. Let us try to make things work out between us. I like you a lot and I guess trying will not hurt. If things will not work out then, we can still be friends. Right?” he asked.
I could not comprehend what he just said. Did he just say yes? “R-Right.” I stumbled with my words. I am just extremely happy, I could not explain it. I heard him giggle. It was just so adorable.
“Tatsuya.” I called out to him.
“Yes Jin?”
“I love you.”
Silence, but not an awkward silence occupied the two of us for a moment. “I love you too Jin.” He replied and it made my heart jump in so much happiness.
“Thank you.” I hummed happily.
“No, there’s no need to thank me.” He replied.
“Mm, go back to sleep. I’ll see you later.”
“Okay, bye.” With that said. He hanged up and we both went back to sleep. I did not even bother to tell him about my past with Kazuya. I was too happy to even think of the possible complications my relationship with Tatsuya could bring our group. I guess I was to naïve though I insist I am already matured when I am not.
…
February 23, 2009
‘Yoh Jin, Kame-chan’s waiting for you to greet him. Don’t tell him I told you. Good luck!’
I just got out of the shower when Koki messaged me. I frowned as I tried to figure out what his message meant. I was so overjoyed that Tatsuya and I are now together to even trouble myself thinking about anything else. Sighing, I sat on the edge of my bed still undress and messaged Kazuya right away.
‘Hey~’
‘Hey! What’s up?’
‘Mm- nothing much just got out of the shower. How are you?’
‘I am fine, you?’
‘Same-‘
I replied. It took me a while to decide if I should inform him about Tatsuya and I but I figured out it was the right thing to do so I gave it a shot.
‘Ne, Kazuya, can I ask you a question?’
‘Sure, go ahead. What is it?’
‘What would you do if you find out…I’m dating someone already?’
A deafening silence occupied my room. It took him a while to reply then I started to feel nervous about the whole tell-my-best-friend-about-my-new-relationship-thing. I bit my lower lip as I exhaled tensely. I can feel beads of unwanted cold sweat form on my forehead. I felt something was going to be wrong but still I knew I should tell him no matter what, it would be better that he find out about it through me than knowing from other people.
The tension increased as five minutes passed by so quickly and finally, my phone beeped. It was Kazuya. I took another deep breath and read his message.
‘I don’t know Jin. I do not know what to do, act or say. Probably I will not ever talk to you again. I really do not know. Why are you asking this all of a sudden? Are…you- dating someone already?’
I can tell just by reading his message, there was sadness, frustration and nervousness in his every word. It was strong. Slowly, guilt started to eat me up but not fully, not just yet.
‘Why, why won’t you talk to me anymore?’ I asked him curiously.
Again, a sudden awkward silence ate up my whole flat; it was five in the afternoon that time. I waited patiently for his reply and after long minutes of waiting, it finally came.
‘Because I don’t want to be a burden. If you are seeing someone already, then I cannot stick around. It is just not right; I do not want to be a bother. Tell me Jin, Are you seeing someone already?’ he questioned.
I let out a heavy sigh. It was heavy. His emotions were heavy and so were mine. His words pounded on my head hard. I can feel his emotions flowing uncontrollably to mine and it is drowning me in guilt.
‘Yah, it is Tatsuya.’
‘Oh, okay. Well be happy. I have to go now. I guess, I’ll see you around.’
‘No Kazuya, wait. Talk to me, do not be like this.’
‘I really need to go now Jin. Be happy.’
‘No, Kazuya. You are mad, I can tell. Please- let’s talk.’
‘What is there to talk about Jin? Seriously. What do you expect me to feel, act and do in a situation like this? I still love you Jin. I still do, but I guess I did not show it well enough for you to notice. Just be happy with Tatsuya.’
“I figured out that I should tell you because you’re my best friend. I am sorry but I will not let you just throw our friendship just like that Kazu; we have been best friends for ten years. We have been together through a lot. Don’t just abandon me just like that.’
‘Right, I’m just a good best friend and that’s all I’ll ever be to you, right Jin? Heck, I am waiting for you to greet me today but I guess this is what I get for loving you so much, huh? I am an idiot and yes for ten years Jin, I have waited so patiently. I stayed by your side no matter how painful it was, is that not enough to show you how I feel about you? Is ten years still not enough? I really have to go Jin. Good bye.’
‘What are you talking about Kazuya? No, do not do this. Please- I am sorry! I did not mean to hurt you. Really, please listen to me.’
And before I knew it, my phone ran out of battery. So much for my good luck that day. I lie on my bed, confused. He is mad. Kazuya is mad. I do not know what to do. He is really mad. I curled up in my bed like a little kid scared of a thunderstorm. Soon enough, tears are already trickling out of my moisten eyes.
“You’re an idiot, Jin.” I told myself before deciding to call Koki and tell him what happened knowing that Kazuya would run to him in times like this. I sat up and reached over my nightstand to pick up the telephone before dialling Koki’s digits.
“Hello?”
“…hey, it’s me.”
“Oh Jin, what’s up?”
“Kazuya’s…mad at me. Really…mad.”
“Ee? Why? What did you do?”
“…I told him I’m dating someone already…and it’s Tatsuya.”
Silence occupied the two of us. I can tell Koki was shocked too. He let out a heavy sigh; I can actually imagine the look on his face that very moment.
“Uh, I see. Well I cannot really blame him. Today is his special day and he was waiting for you to greet him. I’ll talk to him though.”
“Please do. Tell him I’m really sorry for hurting him, I really didn’t mean to.”
“I will. Just be happy and take care of Tatsu.”
“…I will. Thanks.” then I hanged up. Tears kept rolling off my eyes and unexpectedly, my doorbell rang. I wiped my tears off and walked towards the front door. I stood there, staring at him as tears started to flow off my already red eyes. He stared at me. Face frowning in fret. He was the last person I was expecting to see.
“Jin, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” his soft angelic voice rang in my eardrums and I gasped, walking towards him and leaning my exhausted form onto him.
“Tatsuya-“I muttered as I close my eyes shut, I held him close to me like a child not wanting to let go of his favourite toy.
“Jin? What’s wrong?” he asked again, this time his concern stronger evident to his voice.
I shook my head and chuckled though my tears kept flooding down my cheeks. “Kazuya…I made him mad.” I simply replied.
“What? Why? What did you do?” he questioned curiously.
“I told him…about us.”
Tatsuya stood there; he pulled his face away from my chest and stared at me with confused expression plastered all over his pretty face. “Why is he mad about it then?”
“Because…I use to date him.”
Silence ate up my whole flat again. I looked straight into his eyes. I can see frustration, confusion and pity.
“I…did not know that…you two…dated…before.” He stammered.
“I’m sorry I did not tell you.”
He held me in those strong arms of his, protectively just like the way he used to when my girlfriend left me. I flinched but calmed down in his arms as I, again, cried my heart to him.
“It’s okay Jin, its okay. It’s just that today is his birthday so maybe he was just hurt that instead of greeting him a happy birthday, you told him about us. I kind of understand what he feels.”
I froze at his words. How could I forget? It was Kazuya’s birthday. How stupid. My tears flowed harder as I realize my mistake. How could I do that to him? I buried my face further into Tatsuya’s sturdy chest as he rubbed my back, trying his all to comfort and ease me from all the pain and guilt that was slowly stealing my breath away. He stayed strong. For me.
…
After that horrible night, I tried messaging Kazuya and tried my best to show him how guilty and sorry I was but I had hurt him so much. There is no day that would be complete in that ten years we spent together that I would not make him feel bad. There is always something in my actions, in my words that would hurt him even though I do not mean to. Even though I do not do anything, I am still able to hurt him without me knowing it.
To sum it all up, I concluded to myself that I am indeed an idiot. Days passed, we do not talk to each other unless we have to. For example, like in Cartoon KAT-TUN. The only times we talk to each other is when we do interviews together or if we are together in one segment. We are really good actors, people cannot barely tell there is something wrong going on between Akame. After each roll of the camera’s film, behind the curtains, we are at a cold war.
Tatsuya and Koki remained silent, not wanting Junno and Yuichi to know about it. It will just bring the group down and so will it upset the fans and I am pretty sure Johnny will not be very pleased if that happen, Sighing, I went up the rooftop of the building. The place where Kazuya and I used to hang out to but now, he never goes up there after that night.
I sighed and took a cancer stick out of my pocket, placed it between my trembling lips and lit it. I took a long drag from it and stared at the whole city. I can see it clearly from up there. No matter how hard I try, my thoughts would drift back to Kazuya. I am still so confused. He told me he wanted to love someone worth of his heart, not like me. I do not deserve him.
…
‘Kazuya, please. Forgive me.’
I pulled him by his arm and tried to make him talk to me that night. I wanted him to forgive me already because I cannot take the guilt in my heart anymore. I cannot do anything right if we keep going like that, I cannot work properly knowing he is mad at me. He stared at me with those big round eyes. Their filled with pain. It is suffocating me. Tying a sickening knot at the depths of my stomach.
‘Tell me everything you want to tell me, right here. Right now. I want to hear them. Tell me how stupid I am. Tell me anything cruel, I will take it. Just please forgive me.’
I begged him but he just stood there, staring at me and soon enough I just found him crying again.
‘I hate you. You are an idiot. Selfish, insensitive and cruel. You are a jerk, an asshole and a rotten sick bastard! I hate you. I hate you so much! I will never forgive you. I hate you so much you idiot! I am sick of you; I am so tired of you. I had enough of you Jin. I give up. There is no use chasing you around. You are too fast for me. I keep stumbling and falling down; all I do when I stick around you is hurt myself. I give up. I just hope you’d just be happy.’
Those words struck me like lightning, bolting down my whole body and electrifying me with so much guilt. It hurts. Why? It is so painful.
‘I’m sorry Kazuya, for the troubles…but you see I loved someone else all along. I’m really sorry.’ I mouthed each word carefully not wanting to hurt Kazuya’s already broken heart.
I stood there petrified as I watch Kazuya ran away from me, crying. Why? Why does it hurt so much when I have Tatsuya with me already? Why is this all happening?
These questions flashed hysterically at the back of my mind and I found myself curled up in my bed and crying my heart out, again. It was cold. Dark and lonely.
Tatsuya- where are you?
…
After finishing half of the content of my cigarette box, I decided to head back down to the dressing room and if lucky might have a chance to talk to Kazuya. I tucked my hands inside my pockets and walked casually down the stairs. Tatsuya was doing his photo shoot for Popolo. I miss him. I took another deep breath and let out a heave of heavy sigh. I am such an idiot. I cannot clear out my feelings. Kazuya or Tatsuya?
“Fuck!” I cursed as I finally reached the floor where our dressing room is. I slowly walked towards the door, hands still tucked inside my pockets. The door was slightly opened and I peeked inside. I stood frozen again as I saw something I never expected. My eyes grew wide in shock. No way. It cannot be. I tried to make myself believe what I am seeing that very moment was just a dream. A horrible dream. However, it was real. So real that I cannot comprehend anything anymore.
I was…shocked. I held a hand on my head. ‘Shit- no way.’ I cursed again, this time inside my thoughts not wanting Kazuya and Koki to know I was there. I stood there quietly, watching them and the next thing I new I was crying.
‘Thank you, again. And I admit; now I can tell that I am falling for you. Thank you for loving me.’
I placed a hand over my mouth and nose making sure it is covered well enough so that they cannot hear me sobbing. I do not want to disturb them in anyway possible. I leaned my back on the wall just beside the dressing room’s door and sobbed quietly as images of Kazuya and Koki kissing like that flashed wildly at the back of my mind.
’W-what is this? Koki…and…Ka-Kazuya?’
I chuckled quietly to myself, thinking of how stupid I am. Hell, what am I crying for? I asked myself as I held on my head with both hands. I continued to cry quietly as my back slid down the wall. Am I crazy? Maybe I am. Maybe I am just confused. Hell I do not know. All I know is that I am hurting. I closed my eyes, tightened my fist on the strands of my hair as tears continued to flood out of my eyes hysterically. I tried…so hard to breathe evenly.
‘Why Jin? Why the fuck are you crying? You told Kazuya- you are in love with someone else but what is this now? Why confuse yourself and other people? Why be so fucking selfish?’
All my thoughts were interrupted when I felt those soft hands on my cheeks, thumbs running on the bottom of my tear soaked eyes. I know that touch. I sighed and the next thing I knew, his lips was on mine. They were soft and calming, the kiss was deep and passionate. I opened my eyes slowly and found him kissing me. His delicate hands trapping my face in them and do not want to let go. I needed someone right now and it was him but I can’t ever let him know why I am crying. Never.
I smiled a little at him as he pulled away from me. I wiped my tears with the back of my palm. “Hey- done with the photo shoot?” I asked, trying to act normally as possible but as I glance up at his face, I can tell he knew.
“What? Is anything bothering you again? I said that you can tell me your problems, right?” he said, annoyance, jealousy, sadness, pity, concern and frustration clear in his voice.
I took another deep breath and took all my force to put on that smile that he loved. “It’s nothing.” I mumbled and lowered my hand. I cannot stare back at his eyes. I cannot.
“Come on, let’s go.” I mouthed as I started walking off but he pulled me back.
“It’s Kame, right?” he asked, eyes almost pleading me to be honest to him.
I looked down and chuckled, shrugging his hands off lightly, “What? Let us not talk about it, okay? Now let’s go.” I tried yet again, slipping my hand around his waist gently but for it to be only shrugged off harshly. I looked up at him and frustration clear on his façade.
“I’m sorry.” Is all that I managed to say, I could not do anything really. He is too stubborn for me to handle.
“No, tell me about it Jin.” He said firmly, it sounded more like a command though. All I could do was to sigh. I glanced up to see his face only to find him tearing up. It broke my heart more than it was already.
“I’m not blind, Jin.” He said pain clear in his voice. I was about to speak when Kazuya and Koki came rushing out of the dressing room. Silence filled us. We are lucky no one else was around; Junno and Yuichi are both at the studio doing their photo shoots. Without thinking again, I reached out for Kazuya’s hand. Yes, Kazuya’s hand and dragged him along with me. Somewhere. Somewhere far from Koki and Tatsuya’s eyes.
I can feel them stare at me as I drag Kazuya along, to my surprise, he is not struggling yet he is following my lead. I can still feel Koki and Tatsuya’s stare piercing through my back painfully.
‘I am sorry my love. I just have to clear things out finally for the sake of everyone. I’ll end all our confusions right here and right now.’
I guess I was furious, deranged perhaps. “Jin…where are we going?” I heard Kazuya ask casually. I remained silent and kept walking. I do not really know where we are going until I found myself pushing Kazuya inside a storage room. I locked the door behind us and pulled the dim light on, illuminating the four corners of the small storage room vaguely.
I can barely breathe; we are so close to each other. I am sweating and so was he. There is no ventilation in the storage room and all there was were boxes and nothing else. It makes it even harder to breath. I felt his hot breathe hit my moist skin. It sent shrills down my spine. I stared at him and he stared back at me. We are both feeling so hot.
“What is this?” he asked.
I shrugged, “What happened to us?” I asked back.
“You tell me.”
“I messed up…again.” I mumbled as I took one-step away from him.
He just kept staring at me. “Kiss me, Jin,” he commanded.
I looked up at him, Shocked. I took a deep breath, walked closer to him. I placed a hand on his cheek, cupping it in my warm palm as my thumb caressed his lips. I closed my eyes and leaned down to kiss him, thinking maybe by this we can both find answers to our questions. We kissed and as time pass by it deepened but…there was no spark to it anymore. Unlike before. The fire between us was slowly dying and I fear it will leave us both out in the cold.
I broke the kiss. Finally, I figured everything out. I realized my true feelings. I found my place in this world. Now I know what to do and how to act. I found the answers that I have been looking for, now my mind is clear. I feel light and free from all the sorrow and pains our relationship brought us and I am hoping Kazuya felt the same.
I looked down and stepped away from him as far as I could and mouthed the words, “I-I’m sorry. Now…I know where I stand and belong. I am really sorry Kazuya. I really did not mean to hurt you. Believe me.” I mumbled.
“Don’t be. I’m feeling more and more apologetic for myself when you say those cursed words.” He replied as he held on his head, he was crying again.
“I couldn’t do anything but to make you cry. I am not worth of your time. I do not deserve someone like you and I am definitely not worth your tears…Kazuya, do not love someone like me again. Please…I hope that you will be happy. Let’s never meet like this again.” And with those final words, I swung the door open and walked away. Leaving Kazuya crying there as well as all my feelings for him but I will keep and treasure all our memories together. Forever.
…
Please…be happy. Even if my heart is going to melt when you are gone, I will still believe in this even when you are gone. I guess it is just another helpless night.
…
The end