why isn't there a name for my phobia- so not fair!
well I thought I'd should update really quick. Looks like I'm going to be making a 5 hour trip on a bus to LB. I really don't want to do it, but I'm doing it for my sisters. First off, dad told adrienne that he would take them up here, but now he has this idea that we should travel by bus. Why? Its only a 2 hour drive! Either he doesn’t want to do all the driving or the car he's been talking about giving me isn’t all its cracked up to be- which would really suck. Anyways, so olivia doesn’t know- I guess we are going to be surprising her when she gets home. I'm going to bring my camera, I think and take as many pics I can. Anywho, I’m supposed to be leaving on weds early in the morning on a greyhound. I'll spend the night there and then all three of us will head over here to Barstow where our house is to stay until sunday, then I don't know what he plans on me doing- but I guess I am going back over with them, spending the night again, and then coming back home. I'm nervous about this for a few reasons.
1. I haven’t seen my dad in so long, you can say its been almost 3 years since I have had a conversation with him in person, or even took more than a glance at him from a distance more than 3 times. We don't get along very well, and the last few times I stepped into "his house" (yes, the place where I once resided) he started trouble and really said some hurtful things. I just told myself that I simply can't have a relationship with my father, he won't allow it. So this is strange for me because I'll be staying there for the night.
2. My dad again, yes. I am just really concerned about everything I will have to encounter there. Questions about my faith, always having to defend my choice of work (I work with my mom). He always has the unique ability to make me feel about as small as an ant and about as unimportant as a empty toilet paper roll. Every time our conversations could just be translated as him telling me I am a failure. I get this impression from him that he will never be satisfied with me unless I am - Living on my own, attending a college, working somewhere out of the home, have tons of friends and be loose (probably). I had a wine cooler when my sisters were around last time we visited and it was the first time they saw me drink- them being my little sisters, made a big deal of it of course- and told dad one the phone, jokingly saying, "mariah was getting tipsy yesterday". Which isn’t true of course, but for some reason he asked to speak to me (something he never does) and acted all gitty about it, "So you were having some fun last night I hear..." Uh, no. So I guess I got to be more like him- a drunk (something I'm not) in order for us to find some kind of common ground.
3. Ok, this one might be a little embarrassing- because since forever I guess I'd had this fear of buses. Really- Stop Laughing! I always got rides from other ppl or my dad, so I didn’t take the bus often. I hate taking the bus. I don't know how to explain it. Its not like I see a bus going by and I start panicking. Its just when I know I’m going to have to take the bus, when I am getting on the bus, and when I am looking for my destination. Everything seems to just move too fast for me, and the fear comes into play because I have this incessant worry and fear that I won't get on the bus in enough time, that I might miss the bus...or that I will get off at the wrong place- and therefore be lost forever. Its just too hectic for me...scary indeed.
4. And this might not come as a surprise cause 5 hours is a LONG time! And I will have to go 5 hours there, 5 hours with them back, then 5 hours to take them home and then 5 hours again to come back to my place! Its a lot. We would drive but our tags are expired. And my dad refuses and so this is like the only option. Now that I think about it, I think there is something up with this too, maybe this is his way of having me come over and spend time with him- without him asking me to. Could be, adrienne told me that he has been saying weird things like, "mariah is coming home for a day, she’s coming home." That makes me laugh.
But anyways, I guess you can say that I care more about my sisters than I do myself. Adrienne wants me to so badly. And I know Olivia would be thrilled. One night when I dropped them off at their house, dad was away and she snook me in to see her bedroom.
Stuff like that is important you know? I remember when I hadn't seen my mom in such a long time that I just wanted her to be apart of my life, I wanted her to know where I was sleeping at night, where my favorite hang out was- my room. So we took pics and sent them to her. Now that I think of it, maybe it was some kind of security thing- wanting our mother to know where we were sleeping at night.
hmmm..interesting to think about.
Things to bring:
+camera
+book I finished a month ago- has this funny chapter about the main character having the same humorous prob our lil' sis does (too personal to explain further) Just know it will produce lots of laughs
+book to read on the bus
+CD player (got to have something to pass 5 hours!!)
+bible - never leave home without it
+clean underwear - can't pack enough...jk - this should be a given
+Atkins book - to show dad, he really should go on this diet. *in attempts to find common ground*
Things I will not do:
+go off my low carb diet (lost 8 lbs already and more than an inch in my waist, bust, and hips each)
+eat unkosher food
+allow myself to be belittled by my father
+freak out too much with this bus thing (try).
1. I haven’t seen my dad in so long, you can say its been almost 3 years since I have had a conversation with him in person, or even took more than a glance at him from a distance more than 3 times. We don't get along very well, and the last few times I stepped into "his house" (yes, the place where I once resided) he started trouble and really said some hurtful things. I just told myself that I simply can't have a relationship with my father, he won't allow it. So this is strange for me because I'll be staying there for the night.
2. My dad again, yes. I am just really concerned about everything I will have to encounter there. Questions about my faith, always having to defend my choice of work (I work with my mom). He always has the unique ability to make me feel about as small as an ant and about as unimportant as a empty toilet paper roll. Every time our conversations could just be translated as him telling me I am a failure. I get this impression from him that he will never be satisfied with me unless I am - Living on my own, attending a college, working somewhere out of the home, have tons of friends and be loose (probably). I had a wine cooler when my sisters were around last time we visited and it was the first time they saw me drink- them being my little sisters, made a big deal of it of course- and told dad one the phone, jokingly saying, "mariah was getting tipsy yesterday". Which isn’t true of course, but for some reason he asked to speak to me (something he never does) and acted all gitty about it, "So you were having some fun last night I hear..." Uh, no. So I guess I got to be more like him- a drunk (something I'm not) in order for us to find some kind of common ground.
3. Ok, this one might be a little embarrassing- because since forever I guess I'd had this fear of buses. Really- Stop Laughing! I always got rides from other ppl or my dad, so I didn’t take the bus often. I hate taking the bus. I don't know how to explain it. Its not like I see a bus going by and I start panicking. Its just when I know I’m going to have to take the bus, when I am getting on the bus, and when I am looking for my destination. Everything seems to just move too fast for me, and the fear comes into play because I have this incessant worry and fear that I won't get on the bus in enough time, that I might miss the bus...or that I will get off at the wrong place- and therefore be lost forever. Its just too hectic for me...scary indeed.
4. And this might not come as a surprise cause 5 hours is a LONG time! And I will have to go 5 hours there, 5 hours with them back, then 5 hours to take them home and then 5 hours again to come back to my place! Its a lot. We would drive but our tags are expired. And my dad refuses and so this is like the only option. Now that I think about it, I think there is something up with this too, maybe this is his way of having me come over and spend time with him- without him asking me to. Could be, adrienne told me that he has been saying weird things like, "mariah is coming home for a day, she’s coming home." That makes me laugh.
But anyways, I guess you can say that I care more about my sisters than I do myself. Adrienne wants me to so badly. And I know Olivia would be thrilled. One night when I dropped them off at their house, dad was away and she snook me in to see her bedroom.
Stuff like that is important you know? I remember when I hadn't seen my mom in such a long time that I just wanted her to be apart of my life, I wanted her to know where I was sleeping at night, where my favorite hang out was- my room. So we took pics and sent them to her. Now that I think of it, maybe it was some kind of security thing- wanting our mother to know where we were sleeping at night.
hmmm..interesting to think about.
Things to bring:
+camera
+book I finished a month ago- has this funny chapter about the main character having the same humorous prob our lil' sis does (too personal to explain further) Just know it will produce lots of laughs
+book to read on the bus
+CD player (got to have something to pass 5 hours!!)
+bible - never leave home without it
+clean underwear - can't pack enough...jk - this should be a given
+Atkins book - to show dad, he really should go on this diet. *in attempts to find common ground*
Things I will not do:
+go off my low carb diet (lost 8 lbs already and more than an inch in my waist, bust, and hips each)
+eat unkosher food
+allow myself to be belittled by my father
+freak out too much with this bus thing (try).