dying more each and everyday
Im not feeling too well today. Not physically, not mentally, not emotionally. I woke up to my sister, who has not talked to us in about a month, calling crying. She was explaining how she wants to live with us, and that she can't stand it there anymore. No one can truly know the joy that those words brought to me. I have been wanting them to come and live with us for years, back when it was not even possible. She told my mom that my dad was talking about shipping her out somewhere, or taking her to our grandmothers house. She told him that if she goes anywhere - she wants to live with her mom. Afterwards she called us, sobbing, asking if she can come and stay with us for a while. Of course we said- Yes! But its alot easier said than done. Despite her wanting and needing to be with us, my dad is preventing it. Which only makes matters worse for her.
I just cant stand this emotional rollercoaster that is my life. I think about how wonderful it would be for my sister to be here with me everyday. And how even more greater it would be if the three of us were together again. But adrienne is a different story. I love her to death, but I just don't get her in this aspect. She seems to be unaffected by this mess completely. Yeah of course she misses us, but shes not affected in the same way we are. Im sure it has something to do with her and her boyfriend, she finds comfort in him, and through him and all her friends somehow she is able to block out all the bad and just accept it I guess.
Thats something I could never do- just accept it. Let it slide, pretend like life is grand. I just couldn't. Now olivia is experiencing the same pain I went through during highschool. The unrelenting pain and desire to just get out. Adrienne says that she is disrespectful, and thats why she wants to leave, cause she doesnt get her way. Well, she may be disrespectful, but there is a reason why a kid looses all respect for a parent. Because the parent fails to fulfill the role in which they were made to be. And that damages a kid. It hurts so much to see my sister go through such pain. But I am happy that she is finally talking to me again. She stopped talking, as a way to make us hurt I guess, cause we havent seen her in a long time. We already hurt though. She doesnt need to do anything to help us feel her pain. We share it. But here I am again, in the same place - wishing on a hope, hanging on a dream. Hoping that things will take a turn for something better.
We got our new place. And you think that it would make things a whole lot better. Except we couldn't possibly believe that there wouldn't be a new roadblock ahead in the story of my life! Our freaking car is smoking like crazy, which btw, needs to pass smog. Our temporary tags (till we pass smog) have run out. And its estamated that it needs like 400.00 worth of work done on it. We just don't have all that kind of money. We are working on a wholesale order that will hopefully bring in more money. We own our own business and feel that this is what Yah wants us to do...lifes just so hard, its a struggle, and its wearing me thin. Making ends meet shouldnt have to be this hard. Family - a place where people should be able to find some comfort, peace of mind and refuge, has done for me much of the opposite. It shouldn't be the source of so much pain and turmoil, yet mine has continued to do so since I was 12. But what do you do? I used to say "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". I have long stopped believing in that. What doesnt kill you, only kills you slowly. Thats the real truth.
I just cant stand this emotional rollercoaster that is my life. I think about how wonderful it would be for my sister to be here with me everyday. And how even more greater it would be if the three of us were together again. But adrienne is a different story. I love her to death, but I just don't get her in this aspect. She seems to be unaffected by this mess completely. Yeah of course she misses us, but shes not affected in the same way we are. Im sure it has something to do with her and her boyfriend, she finds comfort in him, and through him and all her friends somehow she is able to block out all the bad and just accept it I guess.
Thats something I could never do- just accept it. Let it slide, pretend like life is grand. I just couldn't. Now olivia is experiencing the same pain I went through during highschool. The unrelenting pain and desire to just get out. Adrienne says that she is disrespectful, and thats why she wants to leave, cause she doesnt get her way. Well, she may be disrespectful, but there is a reason why a kid looses all respect for a parent. Because the parent fails to fulfill the role in which they were made to be. And that damages a kid. It hurts so much to see my sister go through such pain. But I am happy that she is finally talking to me again. She stopped talking, as a way to make us hurt I guess, cause we havent seen her in a long time. We already hurt though. She doesnt need to do anything to help us feel her pain. We share it. But here I am again, in the same place - wishing on a hope, hanging on a dream. Hoping that things will take a turn for something better.
We got our new place. And you think that it would make things a whole lot better. Except we couldn't possibly believe that there wouldn't be a new roadblock ahead in the story of my life! Our freaking car is smoking like crazy, which btw, needs to pass smog. Our temporary tags (till we pass smog) have run out. And its estamated that it needs like 400.00 worth of work done on it. We just don't have all that kind of money. We are working on a wholesale order that will hopefully bring in more money. We own our own business and feel that this is what Yah wants us to do...lifes just so hard, its a struggle, and its wearing me thin. Making ends meet shouldnt have to be this hard. Family - a place where people should be able to find some comfort, peace of mind and refuge, has done for me much of the opposite. It shouldn't be the source of so much pain and turmoil, yet mine has continued to do so since I was 12. But what do you do? I used to say "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". I have long stopped believing in that. What doesnt kill you, only kills you slowly. Thats the real truth.