Dóchas Part 2
Arthur spends the rest of the morning out the back of the house, with his sliotar and hurl, smacking the small leather ball up and down the field, carrying it on the flat of the hurl, ducking and twisting around imaginary opponents, and scoring points and goals(1). He keeps going and going, until his mind is blank, void of all thoughts of mass, God or pale, skinny trainee priests. At that stage, his legs are trembling, and his lungs are working furiously to inhale and exhale. Tossing his gear in his room, he goes for a long, hot shower, and on his way back to his room, bumps into his father.
“Arthur, have you thought any more about university?” Uther asks him, eyeing him in the way only parents can when they expect to be disappointed. “I know how stressful your Leaving Certificate was, and I understand the need for taking a year off, but you must have an education. You know your CAO form(2) is due in two months time, have you even given it any thought?”
“Of course I have,” Arthur replies, all eager wide eyes and enthusiasm. “I’m just trying to whittle down my list of choices.”
“Very well.” Uther nods.
He gives Arthur a small smile, claps him on the back, and continues down the hallway. Arthur sighs in relief and hurries to his room. What he had just told Uther is total bollocks - Arthur hasn’t given a moment’s thought to his college choices since he was handed his CAO form and booklet the previous year. While a part of him wishes he had chosen some bullshit course at UCG so he could have gone off with Pell and the lads to live up the student life, a bigger part knows he wouldn’t have been happy unless he was doing something he really wanted to do. And therein lies the problem - just what does he want to do? Arthur sighs and opens his desk drawer. He reaches in and pulls out his form and booklets, and gazes at them long and hard. Right.
While growing old is compulsory, and growing up is optional, there are certain things which must be done if one is to have any sort of peaceful life, and for Arthur, that is deciding on a college course. Arthur knows that if any sort of decision is to be made, he’s going to need tea, and lots of it. And probably some cake too.
“Right,” Arthur mutters to himself, “Moira’s it is then.”
He dries himself and gets dressed, then gathers his things together. On the way out, he finds Morgana and Uther in the conservatory, playing Spit(3), the two of them goading each other on, haggling and laughing uproariously.
“I’m going to Moira’s,” Arthur calls in as they reach a break in the game, “do you want anything?”
“Jam doughnuts,” they call simultaneously, neither looking away from the challenging stares they’re giving each other.
“Sure thing, back in a while,” Arthur calls, and walks off, trying to ignore the curl in his gut that occurs whenever he sees Uther and Morgana act a certain way around each other, because it means absolutely NOTHING.
Arthur makes his way to Moira’s, by total luck manages to snag a free table in the corner, sets his things up, and is humming and hawing by the counter over what cake to get, when the bell above the door tinkles and in walks Merlin. Arthur tries his best of to surreptitious, but knows that he is obviously staring. Hurriedly, he orders a slice of carrot cake and tea, and makes his way back to his table, where he buries his head in the university courses booklet. A few minutes later, he hears footsteps approaching his table, and thinking it’s his order, looks up into bright, oh so blue eyes that regard him quizzically.
“Sorry, do you mind if I sit here? All the other tables are taken and full,” Merlin asks apologetically.
Arthur automatically nods, and his brain curses while his heart melts at the grateful smile Merlin gives him, before sitting down and shrugging off his coat.
“I’m Merlin.”
“I know,” Arthur says, blushes and then quickly adds, “I saw you in mass this morning.”
“Oh! Good yes. Good sermon on judge not lest ye be judged, don’t you think, um?”
“Arthur,” Arthur tells him. “I didn’t really follow everything the priest was saying, but the sentiment was nice.”
“Arthur…” Merlin murmurs, as if trying to recall something.
His eyebrows quirk and he asks hesitantly, “You wouldn’t be… Morgana’s brother, would you?”
“Yes.” Arthur frowns. “How did you know?”
“Gwen’s my new counsellor,” Merlin tells him. “She told me about the town and her friends in church.”
“You have a counsellor?” Arthur can’t help but smirk.
“Not like that.” Merlin grins good-naturedly, rolling his eyes. “We just have someone who’s there for us when we’re in the seminary, and then during our time before ordination, just to talk with once a week about how we’re feeling, any problems we might have, and do we feel truly ready to commit ourselves to God.”
Arthur involuntarily makes a face at this, and Merlin says, a little hesitantly, “Gwen did mention that you don’t have…much faith?”
“You mean, I believe that God is cruel and merciless and we’d be better off not believing in him?”
“Well, yes.”
“I… have my own issues with God and religion.”
“What sort?”
Just then, their tea and cakes arrive. Arthur thanks the waitress, takes a bite of his cake and asks bluntly, “Why do you want to be a priest?”
Merlin, seemingly engrossed in stirring his tea, murmurs, “Because I want to devote myself to God.”
“Why?”
Merlin smiles in a bemused manner, and replies, “Because I have felt his love around me every day of my life, and truly believe that my act of love for him is to be his servant and vessel.”
“But why? Surely there are other things you would rather do with your life?”
Merlin starts, and looks up at Arthur sharply, but the bemused smile never leaves his lips. After a few moments, he says, “I’ll tell you something that not very many people know. Yes I grew up feeling God’s love, and believing completely in him, but for years, I believed that my vocation was to try and prove God’s existence through science.”
“What’s a vocation?” Arthur asks, trying to keep from laughing at the notion of mixing science and religion.
“It’s God’s calling for what you are to do with your life. And there’s no need to be a total gob and laugh about it.”
“Sorry.” Arthur coughs back a laugh, and puts on his best serious listening face. “Please go on.”
Mollified, Merlin continues. “Like I said, I believed my vocation was to have a career in science, while continuing to work in the church - giving out communion, cleaning, organising leaflets, that sort of thing. I was home from my third year of a physics degree, when a girl in my neighbourhood, Freya, became very ill and unstable - as it turn out, she was possessed. I went to the house one day to drop off a lasagne from mum, and to wish her well, when I felt myself being drawn to Freya. The moment I touched her arm, I felt this surge of knowing, and with a quick prayer, I exorcised her. People were freaked, as was I, and the next thing I knew, I had a letter from Bishop Kilgarrah, telling me that it was a calling from God, and inviting me to join the priesthood. I decided to give it a try, and the moment I set foot in the seminary, everything clicked. That was four years ago, and still, I know that this is what I’m meant to do.”
Merlin finishes, looking peaceful and happy, and Arthur, unsure and uncomfortable in the face of such faith, blurts out, “My mother was shot when I was five.”
Merlin regards him with wide, sympathetic eye, and Arthur, not knowing why he’s telling a stranger any of this, but feeling a release at being able to talk about this for the first time in over ten years, continues.
“My father was a reverend, and he and I spent three days straight praying for God to help her… but it didn’t work. She died, and I haven’t had any faith in anything since.”
“Oh Arthur,” Merlin clucks sympathetically, “that is very tragic, but it’s not God’s fault your mother died.”
“But we prayed, and he did nothing for her!”
“God tends to the soul, not the physical body. He is not all controlling.”
“Well, if we had not had much faith in God, perhaps my father and I wouldn’t have been as devastated when she died.”
“Do you honestly believe that Arthur?” Merlin asks, with a quirk of his brow.
Arthur silently mulls this over, while Merlin sips his tea and nibbles on his chocolate cake. Eventually, Arthur realises that no, he didn’t believe that. Whether he had prayed or not, he would have been completely heartbroken at the loss of Ygraine. He had just chosen to follow Uther in taking his subsequent anger out on the one thing that had given him hope and comfort during that awful time. Arthur feels something break all over again, but before he can figure it out, Merlin speaks again.
“You’re filling out your CAO form?”
“Oh, um, yeah.” Arthur nods, then adds, “Well, trying to decide what course I want to do.”
“Ah. So you’re in sixth year?”
“No, got the Leaving over and done with the summer just past. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do, so I took a break.”
“It can be a tough decision.” Merlin agrees. “Do you have anything in mind?”
“Something to do with sports maybe.” Arthur shrugs. “I’m only eighteen; I don’t have a clue what I want to do with my life - not all of us have God whispering our vocation in our ear you know.”
Merlin chuckles and replies very much unsympathetically, “Isn’t it tragic for the confused and aimless eh?”
Arthur scowls and Merlin says in a bemused tone, “As I am neither, and have reached the ripe old age of twenty four, all I can say is do what you love and are enthusiastic about; the rest will fall into place.”
“Cheers Obi-Wan,” Arthur snarks.
“No problem Young Skywalker.” Merlin smirks.
Arthur laughs and tucks into his tea and cake, Merlin following suite. They finish up and pay, Arthur grabbing a packet of jam doughnuts, and walk outside together, giving each other smiles as they turn to say goodbye.
“Arthur…” Merlin hesitates and then plunges on. “I think you need to learn to see religion and faith differently. You were at church, so I’m guessing that you’d be open to it.”
“I guess…” Arthur replies slowly.
“Great. Then if you’re up for it, I’d like for us to meet up, once a week in the evening, to discuss God and religion.”
Arthur looks at Merlin’s expression; his bright eyes and eager smile, and finds he can’t say no. He also realises that he finds Merlin to be smart and funny, and fun and relaxing to be around, which is why he finds himself saying, “Okay, but only if we can have another evening to just hang out and be friends. I’d like to show you that there’s more to life than God.”
Merlin gives Arthur an appraising smile, and says, “Deal,” while sticking his hand out.
Arthur takes it, and feels something bloom in his chest as he shakes it.
“How about Wednesdays for chat, and Fridays for hanging?” Merlin suggests.
“Sounds great, I’ll see you then.” Arthur smiles.
The two men go their separate ways, each smiling and feeling a little flutter of hope and friendship.
*****
“Here you go,” Merlin says, handing Gwen a cup of tea as he takes a seat opposite her.
It’s their first session, and they’re in the sitting room of the priest’s house. Merlin’s tired from a day of lessons and practicals with Father Gaius, and slightly nervous about the session: yes, Gwen is an absolutely lovely person, but that didn’t necessarily mean that their sessions would go smoothly.
“So, how was your day?” Gwen asks pleasantly.
“Tiring, but all right,” Merlin replies. “Father Gaius has been working me pretty hard on the scriptures and psalms, but it’s enjoyable. How was yours?”
“It was good.” Gwen smiles. “Lance took me to see an art show over in Galway.”
“Nice.” Merlin nods. “So… do you have your set list of questions to ask me?”
“Actually,” Gwen says bashfully, “I was thinking of winging it and just making this more of a chat; might be more relaxing.”
“Oh good,” Merlin sighs in relief. “Will was the same; he hated the formality of what it was supposed to be.”
“Same here.” Gwen grins. “So Will was your previous counsellor?”
Merlin nods and tells her, “He was more than that too; he was my best friend, and when he heard I needed a councillor, he barged straight in to Father Geoffrey’s office and demanded the position.”
Merlin chuckles at the memory of his friend bursting into his room and yelling out proudly, “If I can’t convince you that you shouldn’t be doing this, then no one can.”
Gwen smiles into her tea as she takes a sip and then asks, “I don’t mean to be rude, but, why are you here? Father Gaius hasn’t had a student in years.”
“I’m going to specialise in exorcism,” Merlin tells her, “and Father Gaius is the highest expert in Ireland.”
Gwen’s jaw drops before she catches herself and says in a shocked tone, “Are you serious? Exorcisms are very dangerous.”
“Not with the Grace of God on your side,” Merlin tells her calmly. “All sorts of things like driving a car, or eating take away are dangerous, but we have faith that no harm will come to us.”
Gwen eyes him speculatively for a few moments, before smiling and nodding. They sip their tea in a comfortable silence, and after a few moments, Gwen clears her throat and decides to get down to business.
“So how are you feeling about being out of the seminary?”
“It’s okay,” Merlin replies. “It’s a little strange to have a room to myself again, and be in such a quiet place, but I’m adjusting. I do miss my friends.”
“Oh? Anyone in particular?” Gwen asks curiously, but Merlin detects a strange edge underneath it.
“No,” he replies with a shake of his head, “I didn’t have any particularly close friends in the seminary. There was a group of us - Cedrice, Valient, Mordred and myself, who shared a room, and were tutored by Brother Alaric and Sister Morgause, and I talked to some other students at meal times, but honestly my only close friend is Will.”
“Ah yes, Will,” Gwen murmurs. “Tell me about him; what’s he like?”
Merlin frowns at the slight tenseness in Gwen’s shoulders, and replies, “I met Will ten years ago when I first moved to Ireland; he’s obnoxious and opinionated, and we became instant friends. He was Catholic by birth and little else, but when I started going to mass he joined me, purely so he could argue with me about it afterwards. In time, I helped him develop a sense of faith in God, but even when I joined the seminary, he still continued to try and persuade me to leave.”
“Why?”
“He believed I was wasting my youth and ‘viril malehood,’ as he put it,” Merlin explains with a grin. “He tried dragging me out to strip clubs, throwing women at me; he even threw himself at me, which amused his girlfriend to no end, but eventually, he relented and agreed that God is the only one for me.”
Gwen chuckles and visibly relaxes, and Merlin smiles, feeling like he’s passed some sort of test.
“Will sounds like a good friend.”
“He’s annoying,” Merlin laughs, “but he has my best intentions at heart.”
“How does he feel about you being here?”
“He’s a bit put out, but he understands. I’ve been promised letters of epic proportions while I’m gone.”
He and Gwen share a laugh, and continue to sip their tea.
“So what made you want to work so closely with the church?” Merlin asks curiously.
“My dad,” Gwen replies, with a soft, affectionate smile. “He wasn’t religious himself, but when I mentioned wanting to go to church, he took me no questions asked. He always encouraged me to treat everyone equally, and to have faith in people. He was the best influence in my life.”
“He sounds like a great man.”
Merlin and Gwen chat a while more about faith, and then Father Gaius comes in to tell Merlin that dinner’s ready.
“I’ll see you on Sunday?” Gwen asks as she puts on her coat.
“Sure thing.” Merlin grins. “Have a good week.”
Gwen waves him goodbye, and Merlin goes to join Father Gaius for dinner, before evening prayer and reading.
*****
(part 3)