Wow.....its already the 13th of January....
I could have sworn it was just the 1st and I was helping Nelson home cuz he was beyond drunk and I was in a really shitty mood cuz I decided to be nice and go to Escuelita with friends. The night was great until we went there and I should have known it would turn out like that....why? Because I HATE Escuelita.....I went there ONCE before and it was a crap time and its like a Krash......Drama is born and bred there. Not a good start to the new year.....
I was sort of going thru a dry sponge stage at the beginning of the month. I think I'm so used to being in the process of talking to SOMEONE that for there to be no one that I was talking to or no one hitting on me that I found worthwhile, it took a toll on me for a good week. I guess I was still trying to get over Stan and whatnot....which, I'm pretty much over it....Its all his issue....And if that wasn't bad enough....I dunno where the hell these DL boys are coming from but I met ANOTHER one this week.....who just so happens to live like a block away from me...but get this one....he has a WIFE and she's due, as in pregnant, as in giving birth, any day now!!!!! WHAT THE HELL????? Why me??? And of course every word that comes out of his mouth is a compliment or something sweet and its like....as beautiful and as lovely as it all sounds....I just can't bring myself to progress this relationship......I mean, I dunno what it is right now, but I don't think it can go any further. Friends....yes...we have a lot in common and hes into the music thing and he plays piano and writes....so I can get with that and learn and grow, but....anything else....I just don't understand how you can have your wife and your kid and then have your male lover on the side......like....one big family....that boggles me....
And then there's Leo....who is nice and all....I dunno....I feel like thats the most normal thing I have going on....he's cool. We're cool. I don't feel like its a hassle to call him, we talk, we laugh, we're getting to know each other and eh.....he's not clingy....I dunno. I need a fucking nap...Im so damn tired....
I have a week off from Ailey.....I've come to the point where I refuse to be one of thoes people who leave Ailey bitter....there are so many people who leave that building with shoulda coulda wouldas and its like "ugh, get over it!" I think I'm at the point where I'm old enough to know and understand and comprehend what is going on and why it goes on and even though its not right, it doesn't HAVE to be....Life isn't "right". I'm honest about what I feel about Ailey....and that bothers a lot of people because I guess it seems like I'm exploiting....or breaking it down to the nitty gritty of things, but its truth.....I was thinking today about how Josh and Chaing are amazing dancers and how fearless they are and thats just amazing in itself.....but when it comes down to doing technically demanding work, they really can't do it the way it should be done.....its like....."thats the choreography and theres no room for adding your own flava, which will cuz the choreography to suffer". Which is the hard part about Alvin's choreography. I dunno. They're amazing though.....Daniel is good, Ethan is amazing, Levi......uhhh....he's aight. They have a lot of good dancers at ailey, but because everything is about being "fierce" people can't recognize the individuality of someone else. Ailey is about being this "machine". Its so crazy.....And for me, I don't know if I want that in my life.....I love to explore, I love to grow, I love to learn, I love to laugh, I love to joke around and get cunt during rehersals, because you learn thru play. I feel like Ailey rehersals are tense and shady and theres always someone on the side ready to take your part or read you because they don't like the way you do this or that and they feel like they're better than you are, so they should get everything....its funny....very funny....Whereas at UB, the guys couldn't stop complimenting each other and rooting for each other, the guys at Ailey are ready to break ur kneecaps so that they can take your part. lol....its crazy.....Welcome to the world of the Performing Arts...cuz its like this EVERYWHERE!
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Content with my life...content with my career, content with my man, content with myself.......I'm making strides...I'm just impatient. lol
I was sort of going thru a dry sponge stage at the beginning of the month. I think I'm so used to being in the process of talking to SOMEONE that for there to be no one that I was talking to or no one hitting on me that I found worthwhile, it took a toll on me for a good week. I guess I was still trying to get over Stan and whatnot....which, I'm pretty much over it....Its all his issue....And if that wasn't bad enough....I dunno where the hell these DL boys are coming from but I met ANOTHER one this week.....who just so happens to live like a block away from me...but get this one....he has a WIFE and she's due, as in pregnant, as in giving birth, any day now!!!!! WHAT THE HELL????? Why me??? And of course every word that comes out of his mouth is a compliment or something sweet and its like....as beautiful and as lovely as it all sounds....I just can't bring myself to progress this relationship......I mean, I dunno what it is right now, but I don't think it can go any further. Friends....yes...we have a lot in common and hes into the music thing and he plays piano and writes....so I can get with that and learn and grow, but....anything else....I just don't understand how you can have your wife and your kid and then have your male lover on the side......like....one big family....that boggles me....
And then there's Leo....who is nice and all....I dunno....I feel like thats the most normal thing I have going on....he's cool. We're cool. I don't feel like its a hassle to call him, we talk, we laugh, we're getting to know each other and eh.....he's not clingy....I dunno. I need a fucking nap...Im so damn tired....
I have a week off from Ailey.....I've come to the point where I refuse to be one of thoes people who leave Ailey bitter....there are so many people who leave that building with shoulda coulda wouldas and its like "ugh, get over it!" I think I'm at the point where I'm old enough to know and understand and comprehend what is going on and why it goes on and even though its not right, it doesn't HAVE to be....Life isn't "right". I'm honest about what I feel about Ailey....and that bothers a lot of people because I guess it seems like I'm exploiting....or breaking it down to the nitty gritty of things, but its truth.....I was thinking today about how Josh and Chaing are amazing dancers and how fearless they are and thats just amazing in itself.....but when it comes down to doing technically demanding work, they really can't do it the way it should be done.....its like....."thats the choreography and theres no room for adding your own flava, which will cuz the choreography to suffer". Which is the hard part about Alvin's choreography. I dunno. They're amazing though.....Daniel is good, Ethan is amazing, Levi......uhhh....he's aight. They have a lot of good dancers at ailey, but because everything is about being "fierce" people can't recognize the individuality of someone else. Ailey is about being this "machine". Its so crazy.....And for me, I don't know if I want that in my life.....I love to explore, I love to grow, I love to learn, I love to laugh, I love to joke around and get cunt during rehersals, because you learn thru play. I feel like Ailey rehersals are tense and shady and theres always someone on the side ready to take your part or read you because they don't like the way you do this or that and they feel like they're better than you are, so they should get everything....its funny....very funny....Whereas at UB, the guys couldn't stop complimenting each other and rooting for each other, the guys at Ailey are ready to break ur kneecaps so that they can take your part. lol....its crazy.....Welcome to the world of the Performing Arts...cuz its like this EVERYWHERE!
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Content with my life...content with my career, content with my man, content with myself.......I'm making strides...I'm just impatient. lol