The Cloud May have been lifted..........
Last night, I had rehersal for Opus and the rehersal went great. It was 4 hours. It didn't feel that long, but it was and Arielle came in and she's working with us on this piece, which is good. She's awesome and I think it will put a kick in the other dancers to get it together. Kyrstal was already saying that she feels like she needs to step it up. But Ms. Krystal is so sexy, she has her own way of....."presenting" and GIVIN it.....She's a good dancer, no matter how much she think she's not.....
After reheral Krys, Aaron and I went to eat at this diner and we were talking about various dance stuff and our opinions about different things. Now, Aaron and I worked at STEPS together and after a certain point I stopped talking to Aaron because he's an asshole.....He proceeded to say that "No one on work/study is going to make it as a dancer and he, himself, is the best dancer on workstudy." MEANWHILE, he thinks he's this ballet boy...he has bad feet, he has bad musicality and he's spacy.....he has also been fired from whatever ballet job he has had, he was fired from steps and he was kicked out of San Fran Ballet School.....but he's the best blah blah blah.....I never got the chance to tell him off because I did hear this second hand, but I decided to not even waste my time with someone with that much insecurity, UNTIL Jean-Paul bought him to Opus....thanks asshole.....For a LONG time I did NOT talk to him unless it was go correct or figure out what something was for Christopher Huggins piece.....After the dress-rehersal I started talking to him again, because I felt like we had to bring this shit together, perform this piece, and do what we needed to do. So, we were talking again, until last night......
Krys said that he never compliments modern dancer girls and he's always talking about how beautiful the ballet girls. He proceeded to tell Krys that she's not trained (because she doesn't have sufficent ballet technique in his opinion) and he doesn't consider anyone in Opus good at Ballet. I went to ask him if he thought that blacks were able to do ballet and what was his opinion on that and he got mad and told me that I was attacking him. He doesn't consider modern dance good dance and therefore he's a better dancer than anyone who can do modern.
Now, I've been over this. I came to the conculsion that his insecurity has totally taken control over his interaction with people and THATS why he throws so much shade. Thats why he's so judgemental on someones technique. Why, when there were guys at Steps who looked A LOT better than him in ballet class, he would say something negitive about them. Why, when he looked a mess in class, it was the teachers fault and the class was stupid. Putting all that shit together, I wasn't gonna sit there and take anything that he said personal. I've worked WAY too hard in my LIFE at dance, at ballet, to sit here and have someone tell me that I have "bad technique". Thats the LAST thing I hear from anyone teacher or choreographer these days because I've started breaking it down so much, that it almost hinders some of the movement that I could do, but anyway, his thinking that had me thinking about why I never wanted to do Classical dance in the first place........why I wouldn't want to hang out with Ballet people....why blacks have become so..."obcessed" with ballet....because whites continue to think that they can't do it as well as whites can do it. That's not the kind of enviornment that I want to be in. I don't want to continue to have to set people wrong and set their ideas about something wrong. You can be doing something amazing with yourself and people will still stick to their views about you or "your people" because of their own selfish insecurities and their own views of what something should look like.
NO! A black person doing ballet DOES NOT look like a white person doing ballet. Why? I don't know. Maybe people are used to seeing pink tights and a pale white face. In the dance media when you think of a ballerina you think of a skinny white girl. Black girls give you butt, and muscle and arms and strength. They give you "I don't need to be lifted by a man, I can do it myself!" and people don't want to see that. They wanna see this helpless, hapeless skinny being who can pantomime and be phony.
Maybe, because of our ancestry, we're natural movers and as "stiff" as ballet is supposed to look, we can't look that stiff. Some white people think that if you know how to MOVE and DANCE then you can't be a real ballerina. Being stiff and not being able to do any other dance form makes you a ballerina. Apprently......If you can move, then you're categorized as a "modern dancer". And people like Aaron get angry at that...because he wants to be that consumate Ballet person. Grow the fuck up....you're fucking 27 years old and you've been fired from all ur ballet jobs and you can't fucking move....period. If you were that amazing you would be in ABT right now. You would be dancing for SOME BALLET COMPANY and not making the same amount of money, which is like NOTHING, that I make at Opus Dance Theatre, a MODERN/JAZZ dance company where the black choreographers look at him like he's a mess.....But because Buster is desperate for guys and desperate for a MAN, he kept Aaron. Also, apprently, Aaron worked for Alonzo King...which is a lie...he did a workshop and got kicked out.....but anyway.....
It really annoyed me and set things for me because before I even left steps, I was over the whole "ballet thing". There is a way that I want to "look" when I'm moving because for me, its a statement. Its "I can be clean and long and beautiful and attack movement and give you feet and legs and arms and back and muscle and do things that little ballerinas can't, just like they can do shit that I can't do." Thats the beautiful of dance....thats the beauty of style. Thats the beauty of being different.
One thing that sticks out for me was a day that I was taking David Howards ballet class and there were all these ABT people there and 2/3 people from Ailey, the company. Hope came in, skinny, or as skinny as she could get, which still looks great on her. The combo had a double/triple turn in it and you open out into an arabesque. This BITCH did 3 turns and opened up into a pitch, leg UP and the ABT guys were like "Woah......" She was like "oh, its arabesque? Thats easier than a pitch!" I was like "Werk....." As I made my way to the other side of the room where there were unknowns and danced with THEM. They may not be a ballet company but thoes same people who'll go see ABT will go see Ailey and STILL GAG.....
I had a dream last night that I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with my life....A part of me is torn into wanting to dance and express and make my statement as a dancer but there's a part of me that wants to sing and act and give you performance on a stage, with lights, makeup, songs, dances, characters......In my dream, I was crying hard-core because I was torn. I was listening to Alica Keys and her backround singers were AAAAAMAZING and I wanted to be up there...singing backup for Alica Keys....I mean, I would eventually sing my own shit, but I dunno....it was crazy....And Harold was telling me about the Aida audition today and I was pissed off that I didn't know about it in advance. I started looking on backstage again at musicals and what tours were going out.....I feel like I need a tour. That would be my vacation....it doesn't feel like work. Artpark didn't feel like work for me. It felt like a time filler that I got paid for. It was amazing for me. It was one of the best summers I ever had and I was singing and dancing and being crazy and going out and just chillin out.......I miss that. I'm back in this atmosphere where everything is so serious and thats cool sometimes, but I feel like when I'm in my "zone" in a serious place like Ailey...it consumes all of my life. The only people I would really go out drinking with is probably Marquis or Luis and Im home.....when I'm not working or at rehersal or at Ailey.....I dunno....Maybe I need to just get back into MTR. There aren't many companies that I even want to dance for anymore....and the companies that I WOULD want to dance for....the choreographers are either crazy, or the work gets into things that I don't want to explore because I'm not really into that kind of work. So, I'm either ready to really give into what Ailey is teaching and giving to me or ready to just drop all of this concert dance stuff and dance and sing and be merry in the mtr world again.......where I can get on a tour, save my fucking money, pay back my loans, get my voice lessons, get my demo together, save MOVE money, move to europe and just be me............
After reheral Krys, Aaron and I went to eat at this diner and we were talking about various dance stuff and our opinions about different things. Now, Aaron and I worked at STEPS together and after a certain point I stopped talking to Aaron because he's an asshole.....He proceeded to say that "No one on work/study is going to make it as a dancer and he, himself, is the best dancer on workstudy." MEANWHILE, he thinks he's this ballet boy...he has bad feet, he has bad musicality and he's spacy.....he has also been fired from whatever ballet job he has had, he was fired from steps and he was kicked out of San Fran Ballet School.....but he's the best blah blah blah.....I never got the chance to tell him off because I did hear this second hand, but I decided to not even waste my time with someone with that much insecurity, UNTIL Jean-Paul bought him to Opus....thanks asshole.....For a LONG time I did NOT talk to him unless it was go correct or figure out what something was for Christopher Huggins piece.....After the dress-rehersal I started talking to him again, because I felt like we had to bring this shit together, perform this piece, and do what we needed to do. So, we were talking again, until last night......
Krys said that he never compliments modern dancer girls and he's always talking about how beautiful the ballet girls. He proceeded to tell Krys that she's not trained (because she doesn't have sufficent ballet technique in his opinion) and he doesn't consider anyone in Opus good at Ballet. I went to ask him if he thought that blacks were able to do ballet and what was his opinion on that and he got mad and told me that I was attacking him. He doesn't consider modern dance good dance and therefore he's a better dancer than anyone who can do modern.
Now, I've been over this. I came to the conculsion that his insecurity has totally taken control over his interaction with people and THATS why he throws so much shade. Thats why he's so judgemental on someones technique. Why, when there were guys at Steps who looked A LOT better than him in ballet class, he would say something negitive about them. Why, when he looked a mess in class, it was the teachers fault and the class was stupid. Putting all that shit together, I wasn't gonna sit there and take anything that he said personal. I've worked WAY too hard in my LIFE at dance, at ballet, to sit here and have someone tell me that I have "bad technique". Thats the LAST thing I hear from anyone teacher or choreographer these days because I've started breaking it down so much, that it almost hinders some of the movement that I could do, but anyway, his thinking that had me thinking about why I never wanted to do Classical dance in the first place........why I wouldn't want to hang out with Ballet people....why blacks have become so..."obcessed" with ballet....because whites continue to think that they can't do it as well as whites can do it. That's not the kind of enviornment that I want to be in. I don't want to continue to have to set people wrong and set their ideas about something wrong. You can be doing something amazing with yourself and people will still stick to their views about you or "your people" because of their own selfish insecurities and their own views of what something should look like.
NO! A black person doing ballet DOES NOT look like a white person doing ballet. Why? I don't know. Maybe people are used to seeing pink tights and a pale white face. In the dance media when you think of a ballerina you think of a skinny white girl. Black girls give you butt, and muscle and arms and strength. They give you "I don't need to be lifted by a man, I can do it myself!" and people don't want to see that. They wanna see this helpless, hapeless skinny being who can pantomime and be phony.
Maybe, because of our ancestry, we're natural movers and as "stiff" as ballet is supposed to look, we can't look that stiff. Some white people think that if you know how to MOVE and DANCE then you can't be a real ballerina. Being stiff and not being able to do any other dance form makes you a ballerina. Apprently......If you can move, then you're categorized as a "modern dancer". And people like Aaron get angry at that...because he wants to be that consumate Ballet person. Grow the fuck up....you're fucking 27 years old and you've been fired from all ur ballet jobs and you can't fucking move....period. If you were that amazing you would be in ABT right now. You would be dancing for SOME BALLET COMPANY and not making the same amount of money, which is like NOTHING, that I make at Opus Dance Theatre, a MODERN/JAZZ dance company where the black choreographers look at him like he's a mess.....But because Buster is desperate for guys and desperate for a MAN, he kept Aaron. Also, apprently, Aaron worked for Alonzo King...which is a lie...he did a workshop and got kicked out.....but anyway.....
It really annoyed me and set things for me because before I even left steps, I was over the whole "ballet thing". There is a way that I want to "look" when I'm moving because for me, its a statement. Its "I can be clean and long and beautiful and attack movement and give you feet and legs and arms and back and muscle and do things that little ballerinas can't, just like they can do shit that I can't do." Thats the beautiful of dance....thats the beauty of style. Thats the beauty of being different.
One thing that sticks out for me was a day that I was taking David Howards ballet class and there were all these ABT people there and 2/3 people from Ailey, the company. Hope came in, skinny, or as skinny as she could get, which still looks great on her. The combo had a double/triple turn in it and you open out into an arabesque. This BITCH did 3 turns and opened up into a pitch, leg UP and the ABT guys were like "Woah......" She was like "oh, its arabesque? Thats easier than a pitch!" I was like "Werk....." As I made my way to the other side of the room where there were unknowns and danced with THEM. They may not be a ballet company but thoes same people who'll go see ABT will go see Ailey and STILL GAG.....
I had a dream last night that I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with my life....A part of me is torn into wanting to dance and express and make my statement as a dancer but there's a part of me that wants to sing and act and give you performance on a stage, with lights, makeup, songs, dances, characters......In my dream, I was crying hard-core because I was torn. I was listening to Alica Keys and her backround singers were AAAAAMAZING and I wanted to be up there...singing backup for Alica Keys....I mean, I would eventually sing my own shit, but I dunno....it was crazy....And Harold was telling me about the Aida audition today and I was pissed off that I didn't know about it in advance. I started looking on backstage again at musicals and what tours were going out.....I feel like I need a tour. That would be my vacation....it doesn't feel like work. Artpark didn't feel like work for me. It felt like a time filler that I got paid for. It was amazing for me. It was one of the best summers I ever had and I was singing and dancing and being crazy and going out and just chillin out.......I miss that. I'm back in this atmosphere where everything is so serious and thats cool sometimes, but I feel like when I'm in my "zone" in a serious place like Ailey...it consumes all of my life. The only people I would really go out drinking with is probably Marquis or Luis and Im home.....when I'm not working or at rehersal or at Ailey.....I dunno....Maybe I need to just get back into MTR. There aren't many companies that I even want to dance for anymore....and the companies that I WOULD want to dance for....the choreographers are either crazy, or the work gets into things that I don't want to explore because I'm not really into that kind of work. So, I'm either ready to really give into what Ailey is teaching and giving to me or ready to just drop all of this concert dance stuff and dance and sing and be merry in the mtr world again.......where I can get on a tour, save my fucking money, pay back my loans, get my voice lessons, get my demo together, save MOVE money, move to europe and just be me............