(no subject)
i am in dispair, deep and dark. i am so tired, so sleepy and drowsy always. i want more than anything to wake up and be awake. this is darkness everywhere, its never ending and shouded in bitter coldness that is never gone. i cant stay awake no matter how long the day. everything has changed, dwindled into stone for the worse. everything changed when we left. when we lost our house everying we knew went away and its not coming back. this cold winter will not cease it drags on day after day hour after hour. the bitter bitting cold cuts deep into my bones and flesh even ender the thickest cloth. the lights all one are never bright enough and it always is so dim. there is a defening silence that pounds in my ears. the rooms is surreal and i am trapped in it. god i need this winter to end, i need the heat and warmth and light to come. i need to be able to go the fuck outside and see the sun. this cold is never ending. more than a year now, trapped iscolated, silent. canada took a terrible toll on me. the endless days of unimaginable cold, trapped in a box so small i could not turn around. blank white walls and complete lack of socialization. it was more than i could handle. and this winter creeps in through the cracks in the window, seeps in under the door. its stagnet in this little tiny room, its old and stale. i am trapped in here, the walls press in on me, i can not breath. i feel them pushing on me from all sides, i feel it in my chest tight and heavy. and i start to hyperventilate and finally run out into the bitter cold in a burst of anxiety and panic. outside in the open. this house is so small, so tiny, like a trap for cockroaches with the sticky floor shoved under the refrigerator.
everyone has changed, gone or gone insane, fallen into addiction or had children or just plain became a monster. rearrangments of living space now lent to discontent and infighting on an hourly basis. no one is happy anymore, everyone is angry, no one is the same. a lack of jobs and incomes and lack of understand for each other. everyone was a nutcase already, cruel or obsessed or out of control and i can not hold a thick skin to it and the very end of this cold winter. i am desperate for peace and simplicity and normality. i need so desperately interactions that are normal and without distortion. but this darkness has taken hold and i am so tired. i have no friends here anymore, no places to go or to be, no one who looks for me or asks for me. i need to leave here, so go far away, be away. nothing is the same and its not going to be, it will never be as it was. i need to leave this city and start a new life. there needs to be life and newness to offset the shadows that creep everywhere. but even that is not possible, and i am filled with sorrow. these walls are pressing in on me, the happyness that once filled the air is long gone. when once for the first the time in my life i was truly happy, so quickly taken away by circumstance. i am crushed now between exhaustion decending into sleep and uncontrollable panic. i need this silence to stop sceaming, i need this fucking bitter cold to end, i need to get away from all this unrest and discontent of the city. i am in the bitter blackness scratching at the window, trying desperatly to reach the light, begging for the warmth. i dont think i can make it out this time, i have no hope left, i am so tired.
everyone has changed, gone or gone insane, fallen into addiction or had children or just plain became a monster. rearrangments of living space now lent to discontent and infighting on an hourly basis. no one is happy anymore, everyone is angry, no one is the same. a lack of jobs and incomes and lack of understand for each other. everyone was a nutcase already, cruel or obsessed or out of control and i can not hold a thick skin to it and the very end of this cold winter. i am desperate for peace and simplicity and normality. i need so desperately interactions that are normal and without distortion. but this darkness has taken hold and i am so tired. i have no friends here anymore, no places to go or to be, no one who looks for me or asks for me. i need to leave here, so go far away, be away. nothing is the same and its not going to be, it will never be as it was. i need to leave this city and start a new life. there needs to be life and newness to offset the shadows that creep everywhere. but even that is not possible, and i am filled with sorrow. these walls are pressing in on me, the happyness that once filled the air is long gone. when once for the first the time in my life i was truly happy, so quickly taken away by circumstance. i am crushed now between exhaustion decending into sleep and uncontrollable panic. i need this silence to stop sceaming, i need this fucking bitter cold to end, i need to get away from all this unrest and discontent of the city. i am in the bitter blackness scratching at the window, trying desperatly to reach the light, begging for the warmth. i dont think i can make it out this time, i have no hope left, i am so tired.