My Last words
My grandmother's last words to me were I love you. Or at least that is what i think that they were. she had come home from the hospital a few days before. and i had specifically come over just to have a chat with her about our family tree. she knew a lot more than i thought that she would have but then again Frances Delories Battle was always an underestimated, amazing woman. im talking about this woman knew names of not only my greats but my great greats as well. i only hope to one day live up to her expectations of me. i know grandmom that you only wanted me to be happy (and have children but we won't say anything about that). but that was my last conversation with her. i know i left that house telling her that i loved her and would call when i got home. funny how they make you call when you are traveling even if you are 25 and live in the same city. hell in my case in almost the same section of the city. but i love you had to have been the last words that i heard from her. if not then that is how i choose to remember them. now realistically, those were not her last words. i dont think there will ever come a point when there will be last words. i hear her voice everyday. we talk to each other everyday at all times in the day. and let me tell you, being dead does not take away your sense of humor. LOL. im not even going to mention how i still dream about her. last night she came in my dreams and i knew that it was her. but that is the subject of another journal entry. and i digress.
i spoke with Tina Marie this morning. my darling aunt. my surrogate mother. my inspiration and role model. another strong black woman that i hope to emulate one day. she is having problems much like anyone else. but her problems are slightly different. since she lives her life in the Spirit, her everyday problems continuously test her spirit. i cant even imagine how tired she is and yet she still keeps trooping on. like the warrior woman that she is.
let me have you understand, that i am still in grief about my grandmother. in a different stage, but still grieving. i still have my moments where i cry about her and want her to hold me in her arms. but then i still have the luxury of talking with her and hearing her responses. everyone in my family is still grieving. we are all just in different stages. now is the time when i wish that i knew the offical stages of grief but whatever i shall make up my own. i think tina marie is still in her angry stage. there was a lot unsaid between her and grandmom. on both sides of the fence. towards the end, my grandmom accepted all that tina could do and focused on that. specifically how she wanted tina marie to have some control over her money when she did pass away. unfortunately her specific wishes were never able to be fulfilled. but tina marie's last conversation with grandmom was not a lesson, or words of encouragement or even a general "Baby I'm getting near the end and I want you to know that I love you and I'm happy with the way that you are living your life". even though those words were true (cause i know my grandmom and how she felt), that conversation never took place. instead tina marie was just told how much my grandmom wanted her to have access to her bank account.
god only gives you as much as you can handle. and i know that tina marie can handle this but the fact that she didnt have the whole "I Love You" conversation is weighing on her spirit.
I call upon and give praises to Olodumare and my Egun.
Can you please give my aunt some rest from her troubles.
my aunt is still grieving and part of her grief is anger and resentment. i do have to say that her anger is righteous but imagine yourself in that situation. you are grieving from the loss of your mother, the loss of the opportunity for a relatioship, the anger from having her taken away from you (even though you know it was for the best), not to mention the everyday troubles that a full time wife, mother, employee and seminary school student has to deal with. at what point can you say enough is enough? and how much it wouldve helped if she had had that conversation with my grandmom.
i spoke with Tina Marie this morning. my darling aunt. my surrogate mother. my inspiration and role model. another strong black woman that i hope to emulate one day. she is having problems much like anyone else. but her problems are slightly different. since she lives her life in the Spirit, her everyday problems continuously test her spirit. i cant even imagine how tired she is and yet she still keeps trooping on. like the warrior woman that she is.
let me have you understand, that i am still in grief about my grandmother. in a different stage, but still grieving. i still have my moments where i cry about her and want her to hold me in her arms. but then i still have the luxury of talking with her and hearing her responses. everyone in my family is still grieving. we are all just in different stages. now is the time when i wish that i knew the offical stages of grief but whatever i shall make up my own. i think tina marie is still in her angry stage. there was a lot unsaid between her and grandmom. on both sides of the fence. towards the end, my grandmom accepted all that tina could do and focused on that. specifically how she wanted tina marie to have some control over her money when she did pass away. unfortunately her specific wishes were never able to be fulfilled. but tina marie's last conversation with grandmom was not a lesson, or words of encouragement or even a general "Baby I'm getting near the end and I want you to know that I love you and I'm happy with the way that you are living your life". even though those words were true (cause i know my grandmom and how she felt), that conversation never took place. instead tina marie was just told how much my grandmom wanted her to have access to her bank account.
god only gives you as much as you can handle. and i know that tina marie can handle this but the fact that she didnt have the whole "I Love You" conversation is weighing on her spirit.
I call upon and give praises to Olodumare and my Egun.
Can you please give my aunt some rest from her troubles.
my aunt is still grieving and part of her grief is anger and resentment. i do have to say that her anger is righteous but imagine yourself in that situation. you are grieving from the loss of your mother, the loss of the opportunity for a relatioship, the anger from having her taken away from you (even though you know it was for the best), not to mention the everyday troubles that a full time wife, mother, employee and seminary school student has to deal with. at what point can you say enough is enough? and how much it wouldve helped if she had had that conversation with my grandmom.