EXTREME Separation Anxiety
So yeah. I am gonna post my latest version of my 'novel' or lesbian fiction story on my lj. Why you ask.... because computers are EVIL! and they never work the right way when you need them too! Has anyone else ever noticed that? They are supposed to make our lives easier, yet they just cause extreme stress... A certain persons Thesis paper comes to mind. mmm...yes. Then a Barbie's damn lap top. Yuck. Computers make me sick, yet I continue to type, why>?
Kylle is off riding her Motorcycle with her daddy. I hope they are having fun. I miss her. I am having extreme separation anxiety! Bleh. I need to go write in my own Journal, the one that i carry around with me. Its like and extension of me.
So! FOR ALL YOU THAT DON'T KNOW!!!! IT HAS BEEN DECIDED THAT DUNSKI IS A JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was walking to class and Megan B said that at 6:00 I need to be in the PAC to work the Fallow spot for the Dunkmisters 'piece'. Horse shit. @#(@)!!# $#):$*%(# Jack ass. Plus, we have to do a tech rehersal today after school! We are supposed to be eating at six! Jack ass. i want to kill him! bleh. jerk. jerk. jerk. jerk.
Well, i must be off, i am almost done reading Rapsody, which i am sure that jess is happy to hear.
"THE FOLLOWING IS MY NOVEL! IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE FACT THAT THE CHARACTERS IN MY STORY ARE TWO GIRLS AND ENGAGE IN UM..DIRTY THINGS, THEN DON'T READ IT. HELL, IF YOUR HOMOPHOBIC WHY ARE YOU READING MY JOURNAL!?"
All For You
Preface
Do you remember when you were a small child and your mother tried to tell you the difference between good secrets and bad secrets? As you grew up you realized that the good secrets were hard to keep, and the bad secrets she warned you about were really lies. Then confusion set in when you realized that some secrets or surprises could be both. This story is about one of those secrets. It was a surprise, and a secret. But to keep the surprise a secret, lies had to be told. Was it worth it? Is it worth it to lie to the one that you love just to surprise them? Now this surprise was grand, but it came with a lie as well. The one that I loved didn’t know that what I had been keeping from her was a life-altering secret.
She is gone now, been gone for almost two years, passed one night in her sleep, at the ripe age of eighty-three. Life is lonely with out her, and I spend most of my time thinking about the past and our lives together. In the end, I realized it was all worth it. If I had a choice to do it all over again, I would do it, exactly the same.
“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”
David Viscott
Chapter One
“They didn't need men because they had each other, a significant other. It doesn't matter if the cat's in pants or pedal pushers. I don't think we're supposed to fly solo.”
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Lucky People, 1995
The night was humid and damp, a typical Florida evening. A light mist sprinkled on the windshield of my two-month-old truck. I was in a hurry to get home, a great hurry, to see the love of my life.
It was December twenty-eighth and I had missed Christmas with Jessica. It was a situation that required my immediate and continuous presence. We had fought a great deal about my being gone over Christmas. Well, not really fought, we never fought, and that was something that we were very proud of. We just had a disagreement, and it probably would have gone over better had I told my love why I was going. But it was complicated, part was a secret, part was a lie. Jessica became upset and thus we didn’t speak much in the days before my departure.
I was supposed to be coming home on Tuesday December thirtieth. Unable to bear being away from Jordan any longer, I left Miami at ten p.m. Saturday December twenty-seventh. I figured I would be back home in Melbourne, Florida by mid morning. I had been gone for far too long, since the twenty- fourth. Three days was more than enough time to take care of what needed to be done. I saw no need to be gone any longer.
I drove fast, in desperation; all I wanted was Jessica. I glanced at the mixed bouquet of roses in the seat next to me. Jessica would love them. I couldn’t wait to grow my own roses for Jessica. Someday, I would have my own greenhouse and shop.
I took another swig of my Dr. Pepper as a familiar ring filled the car. I reached over and glanced at my cell phone. There was only one person that would call at two a.m.
“Talk to me Beautiful.” I said, grateful that the person on the other line was unable to see the huge grin plastered across my face.
“I just called to say goodnight Terri.” Jessica softly mumbled.
“Did ya?” I said with a hit of surprise in my voice, trying to mask the excitement that I was feeling.
“Yes, and that I miss you and wish you were here.”
“I wish I were at home too, believe me baby.” I whispered, trying to calm down.
“I do. I miss you, when do you think you will be coming home?”
“Soon love, very soon.” I tried not to hint.
“I hope so, because I miss you.”
“Ditto. Okay, I am gonna go now.”
“Will you stay on the phone till I fall asleep?”
“’Course love.”
So there I was fifteen minutes from home, on the phone with Jess, this was going to be the best Christmas present ever. I could hear Jessica inhale and exhale deeply. As I grew closer to the home I shared with her, my excitement grew.
“Jessi, you asleep?”
When I did not receive a response I knew Jessica was asleep.
“Jess, I am going to go now, I love you, see you very soon.”
I hung up as I pulled into our driveway. I had hoped my big brute of a dog, Son, would be fast asleep, and unaware of my arrival. I quietly got out of my truck and sauntered to the door, carrying with me nothing but the roses. I opened the door and the scent of our home filled my nose, it felt so very good to back in our home. I slipped inside, placing my jacket and keys by the door. I wandered to the kitchen and took the flowers out of their protective plastic encasing. Placing several in a vase on the table, I threw the unhealthy ones in the box for the compost pile. With the remainder of the flowers in one hand I went back to the door, slipping off my shoes.
Then I heard something, someone was coming down the stairs. I immediately recognized the ‘thump, thump, thump’ of my four-legged creature bounding down the stairs. He picked up his pace when I came into view. I welcomed him with open arms as he licked me.
“Hey there Son, did you miss me?” I whispered. “Lets be quiet so we don’t wake mommy Jess, k?”
Luckily, Son wasn’t one to bark often, except when he was upset, but when he was happy he would make funny noises.
I tiptoed back into the kitchen and gave Son a rawhide to keep him busy. I then made my way to the stairs and began ascending, secretly hoping that none of them had developed a squeak in my absence. Climbing the steps two at a time I finally reached our room. I made my way to the doorframe and glanced inside.
There she was, my love, the love of my life, in all of her ethereal beauty, fast asleep. She was curled up on her right side in the middle of the bed. The covers pulled up to her chin, her left hand resting on my pillow. Her cat, Sydney, was curled up with her. I walked to the bed and lifted the cat off, placing her on the floor outside the door. I gently shut our door and stood still. I had to take her all in. Her scent filled the room, I took a deep breath, and I couldn’t wait to wrap her up in my arms. God, I had missed her. She was so beautiful, sleeping, breathing, so alive. I walked to the bed, watching her all the while.
I picked the phone up off the bed, pushing the off button, and placed it on its stand. Slipping off my clothes, I left all the roses but one on the bed-stand, and gently pulled back the covers, careful not to wake Jessica. I eased myself into our bed. I was facing Jessica’s now vulnerable back. Unable to contain myself another second, I lightly ran a red rose up her bare back. She arched her back and quietly moaned, but did not wake. I scooted closer, and placed a kiss on her left shoulder. This caused her to roll on to her back, still unaware of my presence. I leaned closer and lightly kissed her lips, the rose in my left hand moving down her stomach teasing her bellybutton. My lips moved down her jaw line, up her very luscious neck, to her right ear. Her eyelids fluttered as I whispered in her ear.
“Hello my gorgeous love.” I whispered.
I let my tongue glide across her ear lobe. Her eyes opened and before the realization hit, I pressed my lips to hers. She wrapped her arms around me as I slid my left leg over her, and came to rest on top of her. I ran my tongue across her lips begging to be invited in. Her kisses, what wondrous things, sent a tingle between my legs. My lips cascaded to her ever-inviting neck, as she spoke.
“Hey there, stranger.”
She whispered into my ear. My head resting on her chest, my arms wrapped around her, our bodies intertwined. I could hear her heart beating. The very thing that kept her alive, the rhythm of her existence, was beating below me. At that moment, there was nowhere else I wanted to be. I was home.
We made love that night. That night it wasn’t just sex, not that it ever was just sex, but it was like the first time, the best time. Our bodies were completely alive. I have never felt more alive than I feel when wrapped up in Jessica’s arms, or lost in her breathtaking blue eyes. It was a night that I will remember as long as I live. It was magical, wonderful, and beautiful, just like Jessica.
Chapter Two
“Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.”
Erica Jong, O Magazine, February 2004
As usual, morning came too soon. I awoke with a wonderful feeling. Now, this was not a feeling of accomplishment, nor pleasure, nor pain. It came to me like an epiphany, it hit me and I was in awe. I was happy! Someone loved me! It was not like I hadn’t known that Jessica loved me, but for the first time, I felt her love deeper than I ever had before. She was now a part of me. I knew at this moment that I never wanted to leave her side, ever again.
Through out our ten-year relationship, we had had our ups and downs, and I wasn’t quite sure how Jessica would react to my news. I knew that once she awoke, there would be ‘discussion’. She would want to know why I was gone. This did not excite me. I looked at the clock it was almost nine. I was surprised that I had slept in so late. I never slept that late. Sucking up sounded good, so I got up and put on my flannel pants and my shirt I was wearing the day before. I kissed Jessica on her forehead and quietly shut the door behind me. Hopefully she would sleep till her usual time, eleven or twelve, which would give me time to think. She loved to sleep, it was one of her favorite things to do, and she took it very seriously.
I let the dog and cat out. Sydney WASN’T an outside cat, or at least Jessica thought so. I thought it was good for cats to be outside once in a while, plus, that meant they didn’t use the litter box inside. Which effectively cut down the rancid stench they left behind. I grabbed the trash and compost box and took them out.
Upon returning inside, I opened the fridge and freezer to see what we had, and as usual, we had more than enough Toaster Strudel to last us years. Well maybe not years, but that was Jessica’s favorite, so we always had more than enough. I grabbed a box and put four in the toaster. I began making coffee. Not normal coffee, some specialty coffee, I didn’t even know what kind Jordan had bought this time. I just made it, hardly ever drank it, just made it. Jessica would have a cup, if and when she made it downstairs. I made my self-some good, old-fashioned breakfast, eggs. To complete the meal, I drank a large glass of orange juice. Jessica completely disliked juice, pretty much every kind, but orange juice was her least favorite. It was probably her least favorite thing in the entire world. Which made me sad because juice is my favorite thing to drink, especially orange juice. But it worked out well because she hated orange juice, so she never drank any, which meant more for me. I certainly never ate any Toaster Strudel with out prior permission, if I did, I would meet an early demise.
I clean up my mess and looked to see what time it was, 10:23. I grabbed a glass of milk and the Toaster Strudel and went back upstairs to awaken my love. I took the steps two at a time, trying not to spill the milk. Hopefully I wouldn’t spill, that would be one more thing for me to clean. I set her breakfast on the banister of the stairs and gently opened the door. I stepped into the dimly lit room. She was lying on her right side so I couldn’t see her face. I grabbed the breakfast off the stairs and went inside, placing in on a dresser. She looked up at me from our bed and smiled at me.
“Hey you,” she whispered.
“Hi.” I replied as I walked over to the bed and gave her a good morning kiss.
“Mmmm… is that what I think that is?” She asked as aroma of her favorite of food found its way to her nose.
“You know it…” I grabbed her breakfast off of the dresser and took it to her.
“Mmmm…My favorite… How did you know?” She teased.
“I guessed.” I smiled and sat down on the bed next to her.
I watched her as she quietly ate. I had to prepare for the ‘discussion’ to come. I had no idea what I was going to tell her. More or less, I was more worried about what she would say. I didn’t know if she would be mad or not. I had to explain myself to her either way.
“So…” She began.
I just stared at her, contemplating what to say and how to begin.
“Did you have fun while I was gone?” I quickly asked.
“I guess I didn’t do much, mostly just lounged around with Theo. Mom called yesterday to check on me. Your dog missed you.”
“Oh, did he? You didn’t miss me?” I teased.
“No, I did. Terri, now will you tell me why you had to go?”
“Is Theo still here?” I asked attempting to stall the coming conversation.
I was wondering about the whereabouts of Jessica’s best friend. Theopiphany and Jessica had been best friends since high school, so it was only natural that Theo came to stay with her for Christmas. She always came to stay with us, and it became apparent that we needed a bigger house, the two bedrooms weren’t cutting it. Theo slept in our guestroom, whenever she came over. She practically lived with us, and when we had guests, she lost her room. It was decided that she needed her own room.
“Stop changing the subject.” Jessica said with an annoyed tone.
“I’m not changing the subject, I am avoiding it. Is she still here?”
“Yes, didn’t you see her in her room this morning or last night?”
“No, all I could think about was you.” I smiled.
She didn’t look happy. She really wanted to know. It really wasn’t fair not to tell her, but it was a surprise. She would love it, she just wouldn’t like waiting for the surprise, which is purposely why didn’t tell her about it until now. It was partly paybacks, she would always have surprises for me. She would tell me she had something but wouldn’t ever tell me what it was. She would make me crazy!
“Isn’t, quote unquote, “her room” actually our guestroom? Where guest’s stay?” I asked defiantly. She just stared at me, like she couldn’t figure out what in the hell I was talking about.
“Maybe,” she responded. I arched an eyebrow at her. “Possibly, ok, yes.”
“That’s what I thought, I’ll be right back.” I said as I got up and walked out of the room.
Son was lying outside the door and got up and followed me as I made my way to Theo’s room. I gently opened the door and let Son in. He loved Theo, he especially loved waking her up by jumping on the bed and licking her to death before finally finding a comfortable spot on the bed to sleep, which usually left Theo sleeping on the floor. I gently shut the door and went back to my room. Closing the door, I noticed Jess was trying to go back to sleep. I took a running jump and landed right next to Jess. I made her bounce and land with a thump. I had definitely kept her awake. She expressed her distaste of this action.
“Terri! Stop! Cut your shit!”
I just laughed. She really couldn’t cuss, it sounded funny coming from her very refined mouth. I wrapped her up in my arms and held her down while she thrashed.
“Get off my bed!” she teased as I immediately attempted to prove that this bed was also mine.
It was at that moment that we herd loud thud. We both looked at each other and laughed.
“Theo is up!” she laughed.
We could hear Theo yelling interjections at Son as she attempted to kick him outside. We herd them pass our door, us all the while laughing, apparently Son did not want to go outside. I got up to help. Upon opening the door I saw Theo struggling to get Son down the stairs. She pushed him down in front of her, but he ran back up between her legs knocking her down. She rolled down several stairs and moaned in pain upon reaching the bottom.
“Shit, Jessica, come here!” I yelled as I ran down the stairs towards Theo. I jumped over her and crawled over to her in time to see a worried Jordan, wrapped in our sheet, coming down the stairs.
“Theo, Theo are you ok?” I worriedly asked. Jordan kneeled down opposite of her, and Son even came down and was sniffing. Theo opened her eyes.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Here help me get up.” I helped Theo up and walked her to the couch where Jessica sat with her.
“Are you entirely sure you are feeling alright?” Jess questioned.
“Yes, yes, I’m fine. I am just developing a bit of a headache.”
“Terri, quick, get her some Excedrin.” She ordered me.
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the Excedrin as I heard Jess yell for some water as well. I let Son out as I walked back into the living room and handed the contents of my hand to Jessica, who gave them to Theo. She took them the pills and looked up at me.
“So, you had a nice trip?” she asked.
“Yes, yes I did.”
I made a face at her, a silent warning not to go any further. Theopipany and McKinna were the only other people, beside myself, who knew why I had had to leave for six days. They had been sworn to secrecy. In the beginning I had made an attempt to keep all of this to my self, but the stress and emotions surround it proved to be too much to bear alone. Plus, I had to tell Theo, who would intern give me advice on how to go about telling Jessica. But being Theo, she had to ask.
“Did you tell her yet?” She questioned and continued to drink her water.
She gave me a malevolent look. I looked at my feet. I looked up at Jessica, sitting on our couch. Jessica looked at me with her, ‘you best be telling me soon’ look. This was a classic Jessica look, she was unable to arch just one eyebrow, so usually it was that look, without actually arching her eyebrow.
“No, but I guess I am now.” I said, glaring at Theo, silently vowing to repay her for this vile deed. I would pay her back, tenfold.
“Well then, I will let you get back to that.” She taunted. “I am going back to sleep. I have a date tonight.” She advised.
“Oh really, with who?” Jessica coaxed.
Theo didn’t answer as she went back up to here room. I was left with Jessica who was seated on our couch, clutching the sheet tight. It was now or never, I had to tell her.
Chapter Three
“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), "On Reading and Writing"
I needed to think some more, I had no idea how to tell her. How do could I explain to Jessica that her life is going to change forever? I didn’t know if she would be angry or not, I hadn’t told her one word about what was going on. This was something that she would more than likely want to take part in, I would hate make her unhappy, or upset, or mad. A high-pitched ring filled the air, the phone. Thank the Gods, a brief reprieve! I jumped up, and dashed for the stairs.
I yelled behind me, “You can get that, I’m gonna take a shower!” I took the steps two at a time.
“Terri!” She yelled as I ran into the bathroom.
I instantly started the water and began ripping off my clothes. I looked behind me to see Jessica defiantly leaning against the doorframe holding the phone.
“Its Mickie, she says it’s important.”
I looked left into the awaiting shower. I took a deep breath and turned the shower off. I grabbed the phone and began putting my clothes back on.
“Hey Mick, What’s up?”
“Not much, is Jessica still standing there?”
“Yes,” I answered as I slipped my shirt on. I caught Jessica’s crystal blue eyes. She hadn’t moved an inch.
“Nosotros muchos problemas.” McKinna said, beginning to speak Spanish.
“Por que?”
“¡Por Que! Because we are! You weren’t supposed to leave for three more days! But no! You had to get home to Jessica, your precious Jessica, and now everything is falling apart here, and you’re gone!”
“Whoa! Calm down now killer, calm down. You know why I had to come back. Don’t worry, we’ll come back. It’s all going to be ok soon.” I reassured her.
“When, when, when! How long till you get here?! I am dying, I don’t think I have ever been this stressed before in my life!” Mick yelled into the phone.
“I don’t know. All I know is that we’ll be there soon. Don’t go driving off any cliffs without me. By the way, thank you McKinna, thank you for everything.”
I hung up before Mick could get in another word. I knew she was stressing, and I was thankful for that, I knew this was all in good hands. I looked over at Jessica who had a look of disbelief on her face. I walked passed her, out the door, down the stairs, out the front door, to my tuck, and grabbed my bag. I turned to find Jessica behind me.
“We’re leaving?” she questioned.
“Yes.”
Silence was all that followed my answer. I grabbed Jessica’s soft hand and led her back inside. I banged on Theo’s door. The only answer I received was mumbled ‘go away’.
“Pack up! We’re leaving!”
I waited a few seconds and still didn’t receive a response. I banged on the door again, once again, I she yelled from her bed.
“Why!? I don’t want to go! I want to sleep! Just let me sleep!” she begged.
“Sorry, hurry up or we’ll leave without you.”
“Sleep, Terri! I need Sleep!”
“You can sleep on the way! C’mon.”
“Where are we going?” She questioned sleepily.
“I think you already know.”
I heard her jump from her bed and rush to the door. It flew open.
“Does this mean you told her?”
I raised my eyebrow, and grinned. “No, not as of this moment. Her time will come, which is precisely why we are to anon on a road trip.”
“Ah,” she smiled. “So, she doesn’t know yet?” she taunted and pointed at Jess. “She has no idea why we are going, or what surprise awaits her?” she teased.
“No, none at all.” I smiled and looked at Jessica.
“You guys are awful! I cannot believe that you guys are keeping something from me!” Jessica half yelled, half laughed.
I walked over to Theo and put my arm around her.
“We’re doing a damn good job, if I do say so my self.” I laughed as we continued to taunt Jessica.
“Come on love, let’s go get packed, so we can leave. That way, soon, I won’t have any secrets from you.”
Theo turned and walked into her room. I looked into Jessica’s eyes, and relief flooded my veins. She wasn’t mad, well that mad… I put my arm around her and kissed her cheek. She laid her head on my chest, as our bodies molded together. I was sure that we needed to go have a talk, and that was just what we were going to do. She nestled her head into my shoulder, and at that moment I knew everything would be ok. Theo walked back out with a packed duffel bag and a jacket.
“For some reason I anticipated this. So, I decided to be prepared and pre-packed.” She smiled and held up her bag.
“You got everything that you are going to need in that little bag? Or rather everything that you are taking with you?” I winked.
“No, there are others, they were just too heavy for me to carry, so I left them over there for you. Muscles.”
“Ah, thanks tough guy.” I said as began walking with Jessica towards our room.
Chapter four
“Honesty is the only way with anyone, when you'll be so close as to be living inside each other's skins.”
Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campain, 1999
I vividly remember this time in my life. It was a time when I was happy, lost in complete bliss. Some people don’t believe in love or happiness, which saddens me, because it is real, I found it. Many believe in it, but think that they will only find it if they are looking for it. This may be true, but for most, happiness comes when you least expect it.
Jessica had no idea what was coming her way, none whatsoever. I was hoping that I would be able to keep this secret from Jessica, you see, I was terrible at keeping secrets from Jessica She was my love, I told her everything, good or bad.
I was never able to by any of her holiday gifts until the day before because otherwise I would end up giving them to her early. This usually caused a problem for holidays like Christmas because by the day before, there is not anything good left. I am sure that if I tried hard enough I would have been able to keep her gifts longer, but I was always so excited that I wanted to give them to her right away. It got to the point where we just celebrated holidays different with each other. Jessica usually got gifts late, and I got them early, so somewhere along the lines it all worked out.
There was another time that I swore up and down not to tell Jordan something, but I did anyway. Theo, Mick and I were driving around in Jordan's Truck and we decided to go four wheeling in the Mesa. I was doing about eighty down a hill and hit some soft sand. I had to break, even thought we were sliding all over the place, because if I hadn’t we would have flipped going up the hill. It was funny. Not really, it scared the shit out of me. I had to stop, get out and go piss, that way I didn’t piss my pants. Mick and Theo were laughing their asses off. I swore up and down that we wouldn’t ever tell Jess anything about that. I remember we had said we would tell her when she was about eight months pregnant. I didn’t see the logic in that. Later that day I went and told Jessica what had happened.
I have no idea how I managed to keep such a big secret for such a long time.
I was never able to by any of her holiday gifts until the day before because otherwise I would end up giving them to her early. This usually caused a problem for holidays like Christmas because by the day before, there is not anything good left. I am sure that if I tried hard enough I would have been able to keep her gifts longer, but I was always so excited that I wanted to give them to her right away. It got to the point where we just celebrated holidays different with each other. Jessica usually got gifts late, and I got them early, so somewhere along the lines it all worked out.
There was another time that I swore up and down not to tell Jessica something, but I did anyway. Theo, Mick and I decided to go four wheeling in the Mesa, using Jessica’s truck. I was doing about eighty down a hill and hit some soft sand. I had to break, even thought we were sliding all over the place, because if I hadn’t we would have flipped going up the hill. It was funny. Not really, it scared the shit out of me. I had to stop, get out and go piss, that way I didn’t piss my pants. Mick and Theo were laughing their asses off. I swore up and down that we wouldn’t ever tell Jess anything about that. I remember we had said we would tell her when she was about eight months pregnant. I didn’t see the logic in that. Later that day I went and told Jessica had happened.
I have no idea how I managed to keep such a big secret for such a long time. Jessica knew I had wanted to open my own business. She had encouraged it, but we both knew we would need to wait until there was enough money for both the store and our home. We wanted to begin building our own home.
Somewhere along the line we decided that we wanted to begin having kids. It was decided that Jess would have a baby before me, since she could work and be pregnant. I would have to completely quit if I became pregnant. I was a lifeguard at the beach, which was open all year. Not that it was always warm, but there were always people out there in the water. It was a good job, kept me in shape, I swam at the local gym daily and always had a nice tan. I don’t really remember my logic behind the having to quit my job but it was there at one point. Plus I had PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which was hereditary. My mom was diagnosed with it when I was about thirteen. She would try to take medication for it, since she was borderline, but it made her so sick. My aunt and Grandma weren’t diagnosed until they needed Hysterectomies. One symptom is trouble conceiving. My mom lost three babies before I was born, and one after me. That was not something I wanted to go through.
. So, one day we were walking through the mall and we saw the cutest little kid wandering around. We stopped and looked around, I went into the near by stores looking for his parents. No one knew who this little kid was. So we, or Jess rather, picked him up and we went to the information desk. The clerk there said that no one had reported a missing child. He was too young to give us his name so the lady gave a description to all the security guards and we waited. We waited there with him for nearly and hour and a half. Finally, a lady ran up hysterical ranting about her missing son. We got up from the bench across from the desk and handed him to her. She was so happy to see him. She hugged him, kissed him, and was all around excited. She thanked us numerous times for finding him. She said that he had been asleep in his stroller and he must have crawled out. She felt just awful and guilty for not noticing that he was gone. We reassured her and exchanged numbers. His name was Joel.
To this day I still talk to Joel regularly and receive holiday cards. Sometimes we even have lunch. That night we went home and as we were lying in bed, we decided that it was time to start having kids.
Chapter Five
“Family isn't about whose blood you have. It's about who you care about.”
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Ike's Wee Wee, 1998
We tried and tried to have a baby, but for some reason, Jess was unable to conceive. We were sad and distraught. We were not sure if I could have one either, since I had this maternal disease that made conception even harder. The doctors said that Jess would eventually outgrow whatever was keeping her from having a baby. So we decided that I would try once. Since there was such a small percent of my ever getting pregnant and if we did lose the baby, we were not going to try again.
The day came, and in I went. We walked out of the Doctor’s office with renewed hope. We may have a baby! We waited anxiously as the day approached when I was supposed to get a pregnancy test. We went in excited and nervous and came out upset and disappointed. It hadn’t worked. We tried not to let it get us down, but I am sure it did. Christmas was in about a month and I began to look for a new job. I was reading the newspaper one-day when I noticed a shop for sale. My mind began turning. I began thinking about starting my own shop. I needed something to get my mind off being pregnant. So I decided to go for it.
I didn’t tell Jess anything about it. I told her I was going for a drive and I would be back later. She said she loved me, we kissed, and I was off. The first thing I did once was in my two-week-old truck was call Mick and tell her that we were going on an excursion. I picked her up at her house that was just down the street. She was currently with a hot bartender that she had picked up at Jess and my wedding four years ago. Sarah had worked all night, so she was sleeping. Since they didn’t have kids yet, they were planning on adopting the first one, she didn’t have any need to be home. But I guess it wouldn’t have mattered if she did have something to do. I loved Mick and we always dropped everything to spend some quality ‘best friend’ time together. So I picked her up and we drove off.
“So, where are we going?” she asked.
“I donno, I have something that I want to do.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, yes I am very serious.” I said looking at her puzzled.
“I know I promised you when we were kids that we would drive off a cliff together like Thelma and Louise but now is really not a good time. I really love Sarah and I want to marry her someday. Can we wait a couple more years?” She asked trying to sound scared, but laughing all the same.
“HAHAHA very funny Mick. No, we are going to go talk to a real estate agent.”
“What for?”
“I think it is time that Jess and I move. I love Florida and all, but I think it is time we, build our house, get my greenhouse going, possibly adopt since…well, since we cant seem to…”
“Wow, are you really ready to do all of this?”
“Yes, I have wanted to spend my life with her since I was seventeen. We got married four years ago and I think that… Well, considering all that has happened in the last couple of months, I think that it is time to take our minds off of it. I think it is time to move. Finally build our own house.”
“That is going to take a lot of money Terr.” Mick observed.
“I realize that. I don’t know. Maybe I will take out some loans or something.”
“Aren’t you guys still paying off college loans?”
“Yes, but if I have a pretty successful business, I can pay off all of the loans quick.”
“I don’t know Terri. I know you are upset about all of this, but I don’t think that thrusting yourself into financial debt is the answer. It is not going to make it all go away.”
I thought a moment. All wanted at that point in time was to get away. Get away from all of it.
“Ah, Mickie, I don’t know. I just need to get out of that tomb we live in. I suppose I don’t need to start my business yet, but I just, I am ready for us to start building our own house.”
“Well, lets look into the house first, and then we will see what we can do about the shop.”
I drove on, thinking, wondering. What would our life be like once we had our own home, and I had a business? Would we then be able to finally have a baby? Why was I so upset, its not like I lost a baby that was growing, it was never conceived.
“Mick, do you think that we will ever have kids?” I looked at her my eyes begging for her opinion.
She took a deep breath, and looked out the window. I didn’t want her to say what she knew I wanted her to say, I wanted her to say what she really thought.
“Terr, You are my best friend, you know that. You have been my best friend since forever and always will be. I think that you guys can adopt kids, but I don’t want you two to get your heart set on having your own kids.”
I knew she was right, I knew she wouldn’t lie to me. I really didn’t want to accept the reality of our being unable to have kids. I began to feel dizzy and my stomach got upset.
“Shit Mick, I got to pull over.”
I pulled off to the side of the road and jumped out of the car. I ran to a solitary tree and puked up my breakfast. I had always had a sensitive stomach, usually when I got upset, I got sick to my stomach. I remember when I was still in the ‘closet’ anytime I had a new girlfriend I would be sick for weeks. I would be able to hold anything down. It was horrible. But I fixed it by coming out of the ‘closet’. I hadn’t really gotten sick like this in a while. Mick got out of the car and walked over to me.
“You ok Terri?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine.” I said in between spits. I was trying to rid my mouth of the rancid taste of stomach acid.
“Are you sure?” she asked looking quite concerned.
“Yeah, I just got some in my nose, I’ll be fine.”
“You want me to drive?”
“Na, I’m good. I’m okay, I’ll be fine.”
We walked back to the car and I got in, blew my nose, and off we went. I felt sick for the rest of the day, I had no idea why, I was sure it had something to do with being stressed about the baby situation. We went to a real estate agency and looked into buying some land. She told us that a land auction was coming up and that we could see about getting some pretty nice land for cheep. So we drove back home, and all had dinner together.
Chapter 6
“I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart, there’s a chance we can make it now, we’ll be rockin’ till the sun goes down, I believe in a thing called love!”
The Darkness Permission to Land, 2003.
“Jess, I have something I need to tell you. Well, actually two things, which are both surprises, but well, one of them will have to wait.” I spoke trying to be as calm as possible.
We were sitting on our bed amidst our clothes, which were in the process of being packed. I knew Jess wasn’t happy and was only packing because she trusted me, not that she was very happy with me at the moment. I took her hands in mine, and tried to think of the best way to say this.
“Jess, I quit smoking.”
She looked at me puzzled. I tried not to smile and give it away.
“Oh did you? And why is that?”
“Well, there are two reasons. First is because I don’t want to smoke in our new house.”
She didn’t say a word for at least a minuet, her eyes were real wide and she had the ‘you best not be lying to me or I’ll kill you’ look. I smiled and then a smile came across her face.
“Our NEW house? The house we have always wanted?” She asked excitedly.
“Yes, it doesn’t have a tin roof either.”
“Oh My God! Are you serious!”
“Yes, completely serious. Does this look like a face that would lie?” I asked with the cheesiest face I could muster.
Kylle is off riding her Motorcycle with her daddy. I hope they are having fun. I miss her. I am having extreme separation anxiety! Bleh. I need to go write in my own Journal, the one that i carry around with me. Its like and extension of me.
So! FOR ALL YOU THAT DON'T KNOW!!!! IT HAS BEEN DECIDED THAT DUNSKI IS A JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was walking to class and Megan B said that at 6:00 I need to be in the PAC to work the Fallow spot for the Dunkmisters 'piece'. Horse shit. @#(@)!!# $#):$*%(# Jack ass. Plus, we have to do a tech rehersal today after school! We are supposed to be eating at six! Jack ass. i want to kill him! bleh. jerk. jerk. jerk. jerk.
Well, i must be off, i am almost done reading Rapsody, which i am sure that jess is happy to hear.
"THE FOLLOWING IS MY NOVEL! IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE FACT THAT THE CHARACTERS IN MY STORY ARE TWO GIRLS AND ENGAGE IN UM..DIRTY THINGS, THEN DON'T READ IT. HELL, IF YOUR HOMOPHOBIC WHY ARE YOU READING MY JOURNAL!?"
All For You
Preface
Do you remember when you were a small child and your mother tried to tell you the difference between good secrets and bad secrets? As you grew up you realized that the good secrets were hard to keep, and the bad secrets she warned you about were really lies. Then confusion set in when you realized that some secrets or surprises could be both. This story is about one of those secrets. It was a surprise, and a secret. But to keep the surprise a secret, lies had to be told. Was it worth it? Is it worth it to lie to the one that you love just to surprise them? Now this surprise was grand, but it came with a lie as well. The one that I loved didn’t know that what I had been keeping from her was a life-altering secret.
She is gone now, been gone for almost two years, passed one night in her sleep, at the ripe age of eighty-three. Life is lonely with out her, and I spend most of my time thinking about the past and our lives together. In the end, I realized it was all worth it. If I had a choice to do it all over again, I would do it, exactly the same.
“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”
David Viscott
Chapter One
“They didn't need men because they had each other, a significant other. It doesn't matter if the cat's in pants or pedal pushers. I don't think we're supposed to fly solo.”
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Lucky People, 1995
The night was humid and damp, a typical Florida evening. A light mist sprinkled on the windshield of my two-month-old truck. I was in a hurry to get home, a great hurry, to see the love of my life.
It was December twenty-eighth and I had missed Christmas with Jessica. It was a situation that required my immediate and continuous presence. We had fought a great deal about my being gone over Christmas. Well, not really fought, we never fought, and that was something that we were very proud of. We just had a disagreement, and it probably would have gone over better had I told my love why I was going. But it was complicated, part was a secret, part was a lie. Jessica became upset and thus we didn’t speak much in the days before my departure.
I was supposed to be coming home on Tuesday December thirtieth. Unable to bear being away from Jordan any longer, I left Miami at ten p.m. Saturday December twenty-seventh. I figured I would be back home in Melbourne, Florida by mid morning. I had been gone for far too long, since the twenty- fourth. Three days was more than enough time to take care of what needed to be done. I saw no need to be gone any longer.
I drove fast, in desperation; all I wanted was Jessica. I glanced at the mixed bouquet of roses in the seat next to me. Jessica would love them. I couldn’t wait to grow my own roses for Jessica. Someday, I would have my own greenhouse and shop.
I took another swig of my Dr. Pepper as a familiar ring filled the car. I reached over and glanced at my cell phone. There was only one person that would call at two a.m.
“Talk to me Beautiful.” I said, grateful that the person on the other line was unable to see the huge grin plastered across my face.
“I just called to say goodnight Terri.” Jessica softly mumbled.
“Did ya?” I said with a hit of surprise in my voice, trying to mask the excitement that I was feeling.
“Yes, and that I miss you and wish you were here.”
“I wish I were at home too, believe me baby.” I whispered, trying to calm down.
“I do. I miss you, when do you think you will be coming home?”
“Soon love, very soon.” I tried not to hint.
“I hope so, because I miss you.”
“Ditto. Okay, I am gonna go now.”
“Will you stay on the phone till I fall asleep?”
“’Course love.”
So there I was fifteen minutes from home, on the phone with Jess, this was going to be the best Christmas present ever. I could hear Jessica inhale and exhale deeply. As I grew closer to the home I shared with her, my excitement grew.
“Jessi, you asleep?”
When I did not receive a response I knew Jessica was asleep.
“Jess, I am going to go now, I love you, see you very soon.”
I hung up as I pulled into our driveway. I had hoped my big brute of a dog, Son, would be fast asleep, and unaware of my arrival. I quietly got out of my truck and sauntered to the door, carrying with me nothing but the roses. I opened the door and the scent of our home filled my nose, it felt so very good to back in our home. I slipped inside, placing my jacket and keys by the door. I wandered to the kitchen and took the flowers out of their protective plastic encasing. Placing several in a vase on the table, I threw the unhealthy ones in the box for the compost pile. With the remainder of the flowers in one hand I went back to the door, slipping off my shoes.
Then I heard something, someone was coming down the stairs. I immediately recognized the ‘thump, thump, thump’ of my four-legged creature bounding down the stairs. He picked up his pace when I came into view. I welcomed him with open arms as he licked me.
“Hey there Son, did you miss me?” I whispered. “Lets be quiet so we don’t wake mommy Jess, k?”
Luckily, Son wasn’t one to bark often, except when he was upset, but when he was happy he would make funny noises.
I tiptoed back into the kitchen and gave Son a rawhide to keep him busy. I then made my way to the stairs and began ascending, secretly hoping that none of them had developed a squeak in my absence. Climbing the steps two at a time I finally reached our room. I made my way to the doorframe and glanced inside.
There she was, my love, the love of my life, in all of her ethereal beauty, fast asleep. She was curled up on her right side in the middle of the bed. The covers pulled up to her chin, her left hand resting on my pillow. Her cat, Sydney, was curled up with her. I walked to the bed and lifted the cat off, placing her on the floor outside the door. I gently shut our door and stood still. I had to take her all in. Her scent filled the room, I took a deep breath, and I couldn’t wait to wrap her up in my arms. God, I had missed her. She was so beautiful, sleeping, breathing, so alive. I walked to the bed, watching her all the while.
I picked the phone up off the bed, pushing the off button, and placed it on its stand. Slipping off my clothes, I left all the roses but one on the bed-stand, and gently pulled back the covers, careful not to wake Jessica. I eased myself into our bed. I was facing Jessica’s now vulnerable back. Unable to contain myself another second, I lightly ran a red rose up her bare back. She arched her back and quietly moaned, but did not wake. I scooted closer, and placed a kiss on her left shoulder. This caused her to roll on to her back, still unaware of my presence. I leaned closer and lightly kissed her lips, the rose in my left hand moving down her stomach teasing her bellybutton. My lips moved down her jaw line, up her very luscious neck, to her right ear. Her eyelids fluttered as I whispered in her ear.
“Hello my gorgeous love.” I whispered.
I let my tongue glide across her ear lobe. Her eyes opened and before the realization hit, I pressed my lips to hers. She wrapped her arms around me as I slid my left leg over her, and came to rest on top of her. I ran my tongue across her lips begging to be invited in. Her kisses, what wondrous things, sent a tingle between my legs. My lips cascaded to her ever-inviting neck, as she spoke.
“Hey there, stranger.”
She whispered into my ear. My head resting on her chest, my arms wrapped around her, our bodies intertwined. I could hear her heart beating. The very thing that kept her alive, the rhythm of her existence, was beating below me. At that moment, there was nowhere else I wanted to be. I was home.
We made love that night. That night it wasn’t just sex, not that it ever was just sex, but it was like the first time, the best time. Our bodies were completely alive. I have never felt more alive than I feel when wrapped up in Jessica’s arms, or lost in her breathtaking blue eyes. It was a night that I will remember as long as I live. It was magical, wonderful, and beautiful, just like Jessica.
Chapter Two
“Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.”
Erica Jong, O Magazine, February 2004
As usual, morning came too soon. I awoke with a wonderful feeling. Now, this was not a feeling of accomplishment, nor pleasure, nor pain. It came to me like an epiphany, it hit me and I was in awe. I was happy! Someone loved me! It was not like I hadn’t known that Jessica loved me, but for the first time, I felt her love deeper than I ever had before. She was now a part of me. I knew at this moment that I never wanted to leave her side, ever again.
Through out our ten-year relationship, we had had our ups and downs, and I wasn’t quite sure how Jessica would react to my news. I knew that once she awoke, there would be ‘discussion’. She would want to know why I was gone. This did not excite me. I looked at the clock it was almost nine. I was surprised that I had slept in so late. I never slept that late. Sucking up sounded good, so I got up and put on my flannel pants and my shirt I was wearing the day before. I kissed Jessica on her forehead and quietly shut the door behind me. Hopefully she would sleep till her usual time, eleven or twelve, which would give me time to think. She loved to sleep, it was one of her favorite things to do, and she took it very seriously.
I let the dog and cat out. Sydney WASN’T an outside cat, or at least Jessica thought so. I thought it was good for cats to be outside once in a while, plus, that meant they didn’t use the litter box inside. Which effectively cut down the rancid stench they left behind. I grabbed the trash and compost box and took them out.
Upon returning inside, I opened the fridge and freezer to see what we had, and as usual, we had more than enough Toaster Strudel to last us years. Well maybe not years, but that was Jessica’s favorite, so we always had more than enough. I grabbed a box and put four in the toaster. I began making coffee. Not normal coffee, some specialty coffee, I didn’t even know what kind Jordan had bought this time. I just made it, hardly ever drank it, just made it. Jessica would have a cup, if and when she made it downstairs. I made my self-some good, old-fashioned breakfast, eggs. To complete the meal, I drank a large glass of orange juice. Jessica completely disliked juice, pretty much every kind, but orange juice was her least favorite. It was probably her least favorite thing in the entire world. Which made me sad because juice is my favorite thing to drink, especially orange juice. But it worked out well because she hated orange juice, so she never drank any, which meant more for me. I certainly never ate any Toaster Strudel with out prior permission, if I did, I would meet an early demise.
I clean up my mess and looked to see what time it was, 10:23. I grabbed a glass of milk and the Toaster Strudel and went back upstairs to awaken my love. I took the steps two at a time, trying not to spill the milk. Hopefully I wouldn’t spill, that would be one more thing for me to clean. I set her breakfast on the banister of the stairs and gently opened the door. I stepped into the dimly lit room. She was lying on her right side so I couldn’t see her face. I grabbed the breakfast off the stairs and went inside, placing in on a dresser. She looked up at me from our bed and smiled at me.
“Hey you,” she whispered.
“Hi.” I replied as I walked over to the bed and gave her a good morning kiss.
“Mmmm… is that what I think that is?” She asked as aroma of her favorite of food found its way to her nose.
“You know it…” I grabbed her breakfast off of the dresser and took it to her.
“Mmmm…My favorite… How did you know?” She teased.
“I guessed.” I smiled and sat down on the bed next to her.
I watched her as she quietly ate. I had to prepare for the ‘discussion’ to come. I had no idea what I was going to tell her. More or less, I was more worried about what she would say. I didn’t know if she would be mad or not. I had to explain myself to her either way.
“So…” She began.
I just stared at her, contemplating what to say and how to begin.
“Did you have fun while I was gone?” I quickly asked.
“I guess I didn’t do much, mostly just lounged around with Theo. Mom called yesterday to check on me. Your dog missed you.”
“Oh, did he? You didn’t miss me?” I teased.
“No, I did. Terri, now will you tell me why you had to go?”
“Is Theo still here?” I asked attempting to stall the coming conversation.
I was wondering about the whereabouts of Jessica’s best friend. Theopiphany and Jessica had been best friends since high school, so it was only natural that Theo came to stay with her for Christmas. She always came to stay with us, and it became apparent that we needed a bigger house, the two bedrooms weren’t cutting it. Theo slept in our guestroom, whenever she came over. She practically lived with us, and when we had guests, she lost her room. It was decided that she needed her own room.
“Stop changing the subject.” Jessica said with an annoyed tone.
“I’m not changing the subject, I am avoiding it. Is she still here?”
“Yes, didn’t you see her in her room this morning or last night?”
“No, all I could think about was you.” I smiled.
She didn’t look happy. She really wanted to know. It really wasn’t fair not to tell her, but it was a surprise. She would love it, she just wouldn’t like waiting for the surprise, which is purposely why didn’t tell her about it until now. It was partly paybacks, she would always have surprises for me. She would tell me she had something but wouldn’t ever tell me what it was. She would make me crazy!
“Isn’t, quote unquote, “her room” actually our guestroom? Where guest’s stay?” I asked defiantly. She just stared at me, like she couldn’t figure out what in the hell I was talking about.
“Maybe,” she responded. I arched an eyebrow at her. “Possibly, ok, yes.”
“That’s what I thought, I’ll be right back.” I said as I got up and walked out of the room.
Son was lying outside the door and got up and followed me as I made my way to Theo’s room. I gently opened the door and let Son in. He loved Theo, he especially loved waking her up by jumping on the bed and licking her to death before finally finding a comfortable spot on the bed to sleep, which usually left Theo sleeping on the floor. I gently shut the door and went back to my room. Closing the door, I noticed Jess was trying to go back to sleep. I took a running jump and landed right next to Jess. I made her bounce and land with a thump. I had definitely kept her awake. She expressed her distaste of this action.
“Terri! Stop! Cut your shit!”
I just laughed. She really couldn’t cuss, it sounded funny coming from her very refined mouth. I wrapped her up in my arms and held her down while she thrashed.
“Get off my bed!” she teased as I immediately attempted to prove that this bed was also mine.
It was at that moment that we herd loud thud. We both looked at each other and laughed.
“Theo is up!” she laughed.
We could hear Theo yelling interjections at Son as she attempted to kick him outside. We herd them pass our door, us all the while laughing, apparently Son did not want to go outside. I got up to help. Upon opening the door I saw Theo struggling to get Son down the stairs. She pushed him down in front of her, but he ran back up between her legs knocking her down. She rolled down several stairs and moaned in pain upon reaching the bottom.
“Shit, Jessica, come here!” I yelled as I ran down the stairs towards Theo. I jumped over her and crawled over to her in time to see a worried Jordan, wrapped in our sheet, coming down the stairs.
“Theo, Theo are you ok?” I worriedly asked. Jordan kneeled down opposite of her, and Son even came down and was sniffing. Theo opened her eyes.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Here help me get up.” I helped Theo up and walked her to the couch where Jessica sat with her.
“Are you entirely sure you are feeling alright?” Jess questioned.
“Yes, yes, I’m fine. I am just developing a bit of a headache.”
“Terri, quick, get her some Excedrin.” She ordered me.
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the Excedrin as I heard Jess yell for some water as well. I let Son out as I walked back into the living room and handed the contents of my hand to Jessica, who gave them to Theo. She took them the pills and looked up at me.
“So, you had a nice trip?” she asked.
“Yes, yes I did.”
I made a face at her, a silent warning not to go any further. Theopipany and McKinna were the only other people, beside myself, who knew why I had had to leave for six days. They had been sworn to secrecy. In the beginning I had made an attempt to keep all of this to my self, but the stress and emotions surround it proved to be too much to bear alone. Plus, I had to tell Theo, who would intern give me advice on how to go about telling Jessica. But being Theo, she had to ask.
“Did you tell her yet?” She questioned and continued to drink her water.
She gave me a malevolent look. I looked at my feet. I looked up at Jessica, sitting on our couch. Jessica looked at me with her, ‘you best be telling me soon’ look. This was a classic Jessica look, she was unable to arch just one eyebrow, so usually it was that look, without actually arching her eyebrow.
“No, but I guess I am now.” I said, glaring at Theo, silently vowing to repay her for this vile deed. I would pay her back, tenfold.
“Well then, I will let you get back to that.” She taunted. “I am going back to sleep. I have a date tonight.” She advised.
“Oh really, with who?” Jessica coaxed.
Theo didn’t answer as she went back up to here room. I was left with Jessica who was seated on our couch, clutching the sheet tight. It was now or never, I had to tell her.
Chapter Three
“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), "On Reading and Writing"
I needed to think some more, I had no idea how to tell her. How do could I explain to Jessica that her life is going to change forever? I didn’t know if she would be angry or not, I hadn’t told her one word about what was going on. This was something that she would more than likely want to take part in, I would hate make her unhappy, or upset, or mad. A high-pitched ring filled the air, the phone. Thank the Gods, a brief reprieve! I jumped up, and dashed for the stairs.
I yelled behind me, “You can get that, I’m gonna take a shower!” I took the steps two at a time.
“Terri!” She yelled as I ran into the bathroom.
I instantly started the water and began ripping off my clothes. I looked behind me to see Jessica defiantly leaning against the doorframe holding the phone.
“Its Mickie, she says it’s important.”
I looked left into the awaiting shower. I took a deep breath and turned the shower off. I grabbed the phone and began putting my clothes back on.
“Hey Mick, What’s up?”
“Not much, is Jessica still standing there?”
“Yes,” I answered as I slipped my shirt on. I caught Jessica’s crystal blue eyes. She hadn’t moved an inch.
“Nosotros muchos problemas.” McKinna said, beginning to speak Spanish.
“Por que?”
“¡Por Que! Because we are! You weren’t supposed to leave for three more days! But no! You had to get home to Jessica, your precious Jessica, and now everything is falling apart here, and you’re gone!”
“Whoa! Calm down now killer, calm down. You know why I had to come back. Don’t worry, we’ll come back. It’s all going to be ok soon.” I reassured her.
“When, when, when! How long till you get here?! I am dying, I don’t think I have ever been this stressed before in my life!” Mick yelled into the phone.
“I don’t know. All I know is that we’ll be there soon. Don’t go driving off any cliffs without me. By the way, thank you McKinna, thank you for everything.”
I hung up before Mick could get in another word. I knew she was stressing, and I was thankful for that, I knew this was all in good hands. I looked over at Jessica who had a look of disbelief on her face. I walked passed her, out the door, down the stairs, out the front door, to my tuck, and grabbed my bag. I turned to find Jessica behind me.
“We’re leaving?” she questioned.
“Yes.”
Silence was all that followed my answer. I grabbed Jessica’s soft hand and led her back inside. I banged on Theo’s door. The only answer I received was mumbled ‘go away’.
“Pack up! We’re leaving!”
I waited a few seconds and still didn’t receive a response. I banged on the door again, once again, I she yelled from her bed.
“Why!? I don’t want to go! I want to sleep! Just let me sleep!” she begged.
“Sorry, hurry up or we’ll leave without you.”
“Sleep, Terri! I need Sleep!”
“You can sleep on the way! C’mon.”
“Where are we going?” She questioned sleepily.
“I think you already know.”
I heard her jump from her bed and rush to the door. It flew open.
“Does this mean you told her?”
I raised my eyebrow, and grinned. “No, not as of this moment. Her time will come, which is precisely why we are to anon on a road trip.”
“Ah,” she smiled. “So, she doesn’t know yet?” she taunted and pointed at Jess. “She has no idea why we are going, or what surprise awaits her?” she teased.
“No, none at all.” I smiled and looked at Jessica.
“You guys are awful! I cannot believe that you guys are keeping something from me!” Jessica half yelled, half laughed.
I walked over to Theo and put my arm around her.
“We’re doing a damn good job, if I do say so my self.” I laughed as we continued to taunt Jessica.
“Come on love, let’s go get packed, so we can leave. That way, soon, I won’t have any secrets from you.”
Theo turned and walked into her room. I looked into Jessica’s eyes, and relief flooded my veins. She wasn’t mad, well that mad… I put my arm around her and kissed her cheek. She laid her head on my chest, as our bodies molded together. I was sure that we needed to go have a talk, and that was just what we were going to do. She nestled her head into my shoulder, and at that moment I knew everything would be ok. Theo walked back out with a packed duffel bag and a jacket.
“For some reason I anticipated this. So, I decided to be prepared and pre-packed.” She smiled and held up her bag.
“You got everything that you are going to need in that little bag? Or rather everything that you are taking with you?” I winked.
“No, there are others, they were just too heavy for me to carry, so I left them over there for you. Muscles.”
“Ah, thanks tough guy.” I said as began walking with Jessica towards our room.
Chapter four
“Honesty is the only way with anyone, when you'll be so close as to be living inside each other's skins.”
Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campain, 1999
I vividly remember this time in my life. It was a time when I was happy, lost in complete bliss. Some people don’t believe in love or happiness, which saddens me, because it is real, I found it. Many believe in it, but think that they will only find it if they are looking for it. This may be true, but for most, happiness comes when you least expect it.
Jessica had no idea what was coming her way, none whatsoever. I was hoping that I would be able to keep this secret from Jessica, you see, I was terrible at keeping secrets from Jessica She was my love, I told her everything, good or bad.
I was never able to by any of her holiday gifts until the day before because otherwise I would end up giving them to her early. This usually caused a problem for holidays like Christmas because by the day before, there is not anything good left. I am sure that if I tried hard enough I would have been able to keep her gifts longer, but I was always so excited that I wanted to give them to her right away. It got to the point where we just celebrated holidays different with each other. Jessica usually got gifts late, and I got them early, so somewhere along the lines it all worked out.
There was another time that I swore up and down not to tell Jordan something, but I did anyway. Theo, Mick and I were driving around in Jordan's Truck and we decided to go four wheeling in the Mesa. I was doing about eighty down a hill and hit some soft sand. I had to break, even thought we were sliding all over the place, because if I hadn’t we would have flipped going up the hill. It was funny. Not really, it scared the shit out of me. I had to stop, get out and go piss, that way I didn’t piss my pants. Mick and Theo were laughing their asses off. I swore up and down that we wouldn’t ever tell Jess anything about that. I remember we had said we would tell her when she was about eight months pregnant. I didn’t see the logic in that. Later that day I went and told Jessica what had happened.
I have no idea how I managed to keep such a big secret for such a long time.
I was never able to by any of her holiday gifts until the day before because otherwise I would end up giving them to her early. This usually caused a problem for holidays like Christmas because by the day before, there is not anything good left. I am sure that if I tried hard enough I would have been able to keep her gifts longer, but I was always so excited that I wanted to give them to her right away. It got to the point where we just celebrated holidays different with each other. Jessica usually got gifts late, and I got them early, so somewhere along the lines it all worked out.
There was another time that I swore up and down not to tell Jessica something, but I did anyway. Theo, Mick and I decided to go four wheeling in the Mesa, using Jessica’s truck. I was doing about eighty down a hill and hit some soft sand. I had to break, even thought we were sliding all over the place, because if I hadn’t we would have flipped going up the hill. It was funny. Not really, it scared the shit out of me. I had to stop, get out and go piss, that way I didn’t piss my pants. Mick and Theo were laughing their asses off. I swore up and down that we wouldn’t ever tell Jess anything about that. I remember we had said we would tell her when she was about eight months pregnant. I didn’t see the logic in that. Later that day I went and told Jessica had happened.
I have no idea how I managed to keep such a big secret for such a long time. Jessica knew I had wanted to open my own business. She had encouraged it, but we both knew we would need to wait until there was enough money for both the store and our home. We wanted to begin building our own home.
Somewhere along the line we decided that we wanted to begin having kids. It was decided that Jess would have a baby before me, since she could work and be pregnant. I would have to completely quit if I became pregnant. I was a lifeguard at the beach, which was open all year. Not that it was always warm, but there were always people out there in the water. It was a good job, kept me in shape, I swam at the local gym daily and always had a nice tan. I don’t really remember my logic behind the having to quit my job but it was there at one point. Plus I had PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which was hereditary. My mom was diagnosed with it when I was about thirteen. She would try to take medication for it, since she was borderline, but it made her so sick. My aunt and Grandma weren’t diagnosed until they needed Hysterectomies. One symptom is trouble conceiving. My mom lost three babies before I was born, and one after me. That was not something I wanted to go through.
. So, one day we were walking through the mall and we saw the cutest little kid wandering around. We stopped and looked around, I went into the near by stores looking for his parents. No one knew who this little kid was. So we, or Jess rather, picked him up and we went to the information desk. The clerk there said that no one had reported a missing child. He was too young to give us his name so the lady gave a description to all the security guards and we waited. We waited there with him for nearly and hour and a half. Finally, a lady ran up hysterical ranting about her missing son. We got up from the bench across from the desk and handed him to her. She was so happy to see him. She hugged him, kissed him, and was all around excited. She thanked us numerous times for finding him. She said that he had been asleep in his stroller and he must have crawled out. She felt just awful and guilty for not noticing that he was gone. We reassured her and exchanged numbers. His name was Joel.
To this day I still talk to Joel regularly and receive holiday cards. Sometimes we even have lunch. That night we went home and as we were lying in bed, we decided that it was time to start having kids.
Chapter Five
“Family isn't about whose blood you have. It's about who you care about.”
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Ike's Wee Wee, 1998
We tried and tried to have a baby, but for some reason, Jess was unable to conceive. We were sad and distraught. We were not sure if I could have one either, since I had this maternal disease that made conception even harder. The doctors said that Jess would eventually outgrow whatever was keeping her from having a baby. So we decided that I would try once. Since there was such a small percent of my ever getting pregnant and if we did lose the baby, we were not going to try again.
The day came, and in I went. We walked out of the Doctor’s office with renewed hope. We may have a baby! We waited anxiously as the day approached when I was supposed to get a pregnancy test. We went in excited and nervous and came out upset and disappointed. It hadn’t worked. We tried not to let it get us down, but I am sure it did. Christmas was in about a month and I began to look for a new job. I was reading the newspaper one-day when I noticed a shop for sale. My mind began turning. I began thinking about starting my own shop. I needed something to get my mind off being pregnant. So I decided to go for it.
I didn’t tell Jess anything about it. I told her I was going for a drive and I would be back later. She said she loved me, we kissed, and I was off. The first thing I did once was in my two-week-old truck was call Mick and tell her that we were going on an excursion. I picked her up at her house that was just down the street. She was currently with a hot bartender that she had picked up at Jess and my wedding four years ago. Sarah had worked all night, so she was sleeping. Since they didn’t have kids yet, they were planning on adopting the first one, she didn’t have any need to be home. But I guess it wouldn’t have mattered if she did have something to do. I loved Mick and we always dropped everything to spend some quality ‘best friend’ time together. So I picked her up and we drove off.
“So, where are we going?” she asked.
“I donno, I have something that I want to do.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, yes I am very serious.” I said looking at her puzzled.
“I know I promised you when we were kids that we would drive off a cliff together like Thelma and Louise but now is really not a good time. I really love Sarah and I want to marry her someday. Can we wait a couple more years?” She asked trying to sound scared, but laughing all the same.
“HAHAHA very funny Mick. No, we are going to go talk to a real estate agent.”
“What for?”
“I think it is time that Jess and I move. I love Florida and all, but I think it is time we, build our house, get my greenhouse going, possibly adopt since…well, since we cant seem to…”
“Wow, are you really ready to do all of this?”
“Yes, I have wanted to spend my life with her since I was seventeen. We got married four years ago and I think that… Well, considering all that has happened in the last couple of months, I think that it is time to take our minds off of it. I think it is time to move. Finally build our own house.”
“That is going to take a lot of money Terr.” Mick observed.
“I realize that. I don’t know. Maybe I will take out some loans or something.”
“Aren’t you guys still paying off college loans?”
“Yes, but if I have a pretty successful business, I can pay off all of the loans quick.”
“I don’t know Terri. I know you are upset about all of this, but I don’t think that thrusting yourself into financial debt is the answer. It is not going to make it all go away.”
I thought a moment. All wanted at that point in time was to get away. Get away from all of it.
“Ah, Mickie, I don’t know. I just need to get out of that tomb we live in. I suppose I don’t need to start my business yet, but I just, I am ready for us to start building our own house.”
“Well, lets look into the house first, and then we will see what we can do about the shop.”
I drove on, thinking, wondering. What would our life be like once we had our own home, and I had a business? Would we then be able to finally have a baby? Why was I so upset, its not like I lost a baby that was growing, it was never conceived.
“Mick, do you think that we will ever have kids?” I looked at her my eyes begging for her opinion.
She took a deep breath, and looked out the window. I didn’t want her to say what she knew I wanted her to say, I wanted her to say what she really thought.
“Terr, You are my best friend, you know that. You have been my best friend since forever and always will be. I think that you guys can adopt kids, but I don’t want you two to get your heart set on having your own kids.”
I knew she was right, I knew she wouldn’t lie to me. I really didn’t want to accept the reality of our being unable to have kids. I began to feel dizzy and my stomach got upset.
“Shit Mick, I got to pull over.”
I pulled off to the side of the road and jumped out of the car. I ran to a solitary tree and puked up my breakfast. I had always had a sensitive stomach, usually when I got upset, I got sick to my stomach. I remember when I was still in the ‘closet’ anytime I had a new girlfriend I would be sick for weeks. I would be able to hold anything down. It was horrible. But I fixed it by coming out of the ‘closet’. I hadn’t really gotten sick like this in a while. Mick got out of the car and walked over to me.
“You ok Terri?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine.” I said in between spits. I was trying to rid my mouth of the rancid taste of stomach acid.
“Are you sure?” she asked looking quite concerned.
“Yeah, I just got some in my nose, I’ll be fine.”
“You want me to drive?”
“Na, I’m good. I’m okay, I’ll be fine.”
We walked back to the car and I got in, blew my nose, and off we went. I felt sick for the rest of the day, I had no idea why, I was sure it had something to do with being stressed about the baby situation. We went to a real estate agency and looked into buying some land. She told us that a land auction was coming up and that we could see about getting some pretty nice land for cheep. So we drove back home, and all had dinner together.
Chapter 6
“I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart, there’s a chance we can make it now, we’ll be rockin’ till the sun goes down, I believe in a thing called love!”
The Darkness Permission to Land, 2003.
“Jess, I have something I need to tell you. Well, actually two things, which are both surprises, but well, one of them will have to wait.” I spoke trying to be as calm as possible.
We were sitting on our bed amidst our clothes, which were in the process of being packed. I knew Jess wasn’t happy and was only packing because she trusted me, not that she was very happy with me at the moment. I took her hands in mine, and tried to think of the best way to say this.
“Jess, I quit smoking.”
She looked at me puzzled. I tried not to smile and give it away.
“Oh did you? And why is that?”
“Well, there are two reasons. First is because I don’t want to smoke in our new house.”
She didn’t say a word for at least a minuet, her eyes were real wide and she had the ‘you best not be lying to me or I’ll kill you’ look. I smiled and then a smile came across her face.
“Our NEW house? The house we have always wanted?” She asked excitedly.
“Yes, it doesn’t have a tin roof either.”
“Oh My God! Are you serious!”
“Yes, completely serious. Does this look like a face that would lie?” I asked with the cheesiest face I could muster.