not fun stuff.
ahh.. i keep finding myself in this jumble, confusing maze that i can't get out..
during today's meeting for worship, i spent thinking about the pros & cons of going back and staying in providence. then i got confused caused i started listing both things for both options. i guess you're just supposed to think about one thing? or outweigh one thing over the other. i don't know. i don't know how that works.. but for half an hour i had some silent extra thinking time..
i seriously do not know what to decide.. all the time i've been in providence, i can't think of a moment that i didn't want to go home. I do want to go home too. but this is just a once in a lifetime opportunity that i'll never serendipitically receive again. is serendipitcally even a word.. haha.. like the learning opportunity is just great. i'm for once a little more involved in a few class discussion that we usually have. and it's just like my ideal school with very few students that you can kinda know your entire class. but then back home it's just simply home, that's where i'm supposed to be, that's where my heart is. that's where almost everyone will be once january comes, i can't even think about graduation, and not being there. i feel like betraying my friends and school for debating with myself about staying against returning.. i'm sure i'll miss everyone if i stay. i have second thoughts because i'm not willing to give up any of my current classes. once i'm back at franklin, i'd definately want to take orchestra.. but how is that going to fit with the scheduling? and what about psychology with the awesome, hilarious mr. stricklin. and right now i have 5 core classes without those electives. what about my art class? ughh.. too many things to think about and myriad of them to take into consideration of. i hate my new school because i know no one, no one that understand me, those that i can come up to tell a nonsense joke or attack,hug when i feel down, to study with, to ask questions, to share a sandwich, bathroom partners, yeah.. just like blah blah.. but it offers me more freedom though, like study halls are free period, do whatever in the world you want, leave if you're a senior and want to. and teachers do care more about their students here, since they have like a lot less, so i think that leaves room for them to show their compassions for students, not like franklin teachers didn't.. and maybe with the school's reputation, they can help me get into one of the good college? who knows.. yeah..i don't know how's it going to be when i see the houses with numbers or fema spray painted on them...i can't predict how things like that will be. just thinking about it is pretty depressing already..
i know i'm pretty old.. but i don't feel ready yet.. i can't make a decision for myself. i don't even want to go to college yet. i have no idea which college i want.. so far, i've just thought about the ones that my family kinda want me to go to. i'm indecisive.. my thoughts are not cohesive. i ponder tooo much. and i just noticed that i dont' pay attention to anything at all.. or like to anyone. my advisor asked me how did the art meeting go? i was like what art meeting.. and then figured out what she was talking about, then i couldn't tell her when will art people meet or what day of the week and things like that. i'm just out of it! i keep having nightmares these days too. someone keeps trying to kill me in my dreams.. it's scary. i somehow got away, but it's like an adventure-type thing. i just want to sleeep so i can get some restt, gosh.. so i can be okay for school the next day and not fall asleep in class. i'm tired.
during today's meeting for worship, i spent thinking about the pros & cons of going back and staying in providence. then i got confused caused i started listing both things for both options. i guess you're just supposed to think about one thing? or outweigh one thing over the other. i don't know. i don't know how that works.. but for half an hour i had some silent extra thinking time..
i seriously do not know what to decide.. all the time i've been in providence, i can't think of a moment that i didn't want to go home. I do want to go home too. but this is just a once in a lifetime opportunity that i'll never serendipitically receive again. is serendipitcally even a word.. haha.. like the learning opportunity is just great. i'm for once a little more involved in a few class discussion that we usually have. and it's just like my ideal school with very few students that you can kinda know your entire class. but then back home it's just simply home, that's where i'm supposed to be, that's where my heart is. that's where almost everyone will be once january comes, i can't even think about graduation, and not being there. i feel like betraying my friends and school for debating with myself about staying against returning.. i'm sure i'll miss everyone if i stay. i have second thoughts because i'm not willing to give up any of my current classes. once i'm back at franklin, i'd definately want to take orchestra.. but how is that going to fit with the scheduling? and what about psychology with the awesome, hilarious mr. stricklin. and right now i have 5 core classes without those electives. what about my art class? ughh.. too many things to think about and myriad of them to take into consideration of. i hate my new school because i know no one, no one that understand me, those that i can come up to tell a nonsense joke or attack,hug when i feel down, to study with, to ask questions, to share a sandwich, bathroom partners, yeah.. just like blah blah.. but it offers me more freedom though, like study halls are free period, do whatever in the world you want, leave if you're a senior and want to. and teachers do care more about their students here, since they have like a lot less, so i think that leaves room for them to show their compassions for students, not like franklin teachers didn't.. and maybe with the school's reputation, they can help me get into one of the good college? who knows.. yeah..i don't know how's it going to be when i see the houses with numbers or fema spray painted on them...i can't predict how things like that will be. just thinking about it is pretty depressing already..
i know i'm pretty old.. but i don't feel ready yet.. i can't make a decision for myself. i don't even want to go to college yet. i have no idea which college i want.. so far, i've just thought about the ones that my family kinda want me to go to. i'm indecisive.. my thoughts are not cohesive. i ponder tooo much. and i just noticed that i dont' pay attention to anything at all.. or like to anyone. my advisor asked me how did the art meeting go? i was like what art meeting.. and then figured out what she was talking about, then i couldn't tell her when will art people meet or what day of the week and things like that. i'm just out of it! i keep having nightmares these days too. someone keeps trying to kill me in my dreams.. it's scary. i somehow got away, but it's like an adventure-type thing. i just want to sleeep so i can get some restt, gosh.. so i can be okay for school the next day and not fall asleep in class. i'm tired.